I was married for 8 years previously. My ex cheated on me a number of times. It started via online and b4 long that wasn't enough. I always trusted him and only found out about everything at the end. Now in my new relationship I am so insecure. My new fiancé is amazing... he gives me no reason to suspect him of doing anything wrong. However, I constantly check up on him. I check his phone, his email, etc. I confront him on issues that have logical explanations. And sadly, he's not doing anything wrong, I am driving him nuts! How do I get past this insecurity? This is definitely a love buster for him?

(((Mom22)))

The final stage of the grieving process is acceptance and that is where forgiveness occurs. With forgiveness the anger and hatred for you EX's actions no longer hold power over you. That is not to say that there still are not triggers but for the most part that is what is ideal.

But here's where we run into a problem. Most books would say that for the grieving process to run it's natural course based on your length of marriage it would be about 1.5 years. How long did you wait until after your divorce to begin dating? How long after your divorce was it until you were engaged?

If any of that occured during the grieving process, then the process, because you've substituded happiness, halts or slows. So now your fiance is left to pay the tab for your Ex.

So from here, I guess you can make an effort to heal. Maybe some pre-marital counselling. Maybe get a couples devotional and start reading through it together so that you can continue to hear that your fiance is not your Ex. Heck, maybe some individual counselling. Whatever you choose, it would probably be a wise investment to do this before y'all get married. That 2nd marriages have a high failure rate speaks volumes to the mental health of the people entering into them...

I know that I am punishing him for my ex's actions and I feel horrible about it, but I just can't seem to get a grip. We started dating about 6 months after my divorce and were engaged a year later, so it will be approx. 2 years together before we are married. I knew him 3 years b4 dating and I know 6 months was early, but I also feel like God put him there for a reason. We will be doing pre-marrital counseling so maybe that will help. In the meantime, I think you are right, I must be harboring some anger still towards my ex, which I can start to deal with now.

Let me give you some more free advice, deal with this before the wedding otherwise it will trip you up in the future. If your wedding is anytime soon (within the year), I would highly recommend you get into individual counselling tomorrow to start working through it.

As I stated before 2nd marriage have a high failure rate, higher than 1st marriages, don't think that y'all are the excpetion. One big reason behind that is the partners have not become emotionally healthy after their 1st marriage and they plop that baggage right in the center of their 2nd. Heck in some cases their lack of emotional health is what picked out their partner.

That you recognize this flaw now is good. Get help for it. Fix it. This will give your marriage better chances.

Mom22:

You're going through one of the most common experiences of those in your position. The "quick & easy" explanation is that we do have control over our logic/decisions and little to no control over our emotions/feelings. Many of us become frustrated with that concept (me included) and this is probably why the 1st relationship after D usually does not last. It is unfair that we bring dirt from another relationship into the present; however this is a sure indicator that we did not take enough time to properly grieve & heal after the break-up.

The critical time for all of us is from the moment of the final separation and the beginning of a new (monogamous) relationship.

Many gave good advice here and while I do not think your current relationship is doomed - it will surely need special attention and much patience to survive and be healthy.

Good Luck.

FR