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I want to welcome you to Marriage Builders, and, as a formar WW who got P with the xom's child, offer you support, advice, a sholder, an ear.....

As you can see by my signature line, I've been past the initial stages, or D-day(for discovery day of the A) for nearly 6 years now. I want to start out with asking you a few questions to gage where you are at right now.

1. and this is probably the MOST important one, have you told your H yet? Both of the A, and the P.

2. If the answer to 1 is yes, how does your H feel about your current situation? If the answer is no, you HAVE to tell your H and the sooner the better! If you don't tell him, your M can never work the way it could, because you are living a lie.

3. Have you told the xom? Now, people are all over the place with this one. In our case, the xom had threatened my H's life, physically attacked him, stalked me after D-day, we basically felt in fear of our lives. So, when we found out that I was P(about 2 weeks after D-day) we decided that we would NEVER tell the xom. Oh, and it was my H's decision as to what we were going to do. I was even willing to put this child up for adoption if that's what he wanted.

Now comes some advice, that everyone here receives when they first arrive here. PLEASE, read all that you can, from the Q&A/FAQs, the recommended reading, to filling out the questionares. I also suggest that you have your H come read here, once he know's of the A and subsequent P. In fact, it was my H who found this place for us and it has helped SO much. He doesn't post or read here any more, being in the military and his job keeps him VERY busy right now, but it helps no matter what the outcome may be. Please, don't hesitate to ask me any questions! I've been around the block a few times, and am willing to help anyone in any way that I can.

Welcome to MB and I look forward to the answers to the questions I asked.

God Bless!!!


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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tigger thank you so much for offering your support. i really didn't think anyone would be interested. first off, im new here and while i have read the articles, im still not quite familiar with the acronyms (e.g. xom, d-day). nonetheless, let me try to answer your questions as i really need someone to talk to abt this.

yes i have told my H abt the A and the P -- less than 2 weeks after i found out abt the P. that was last sept. im due in april. abortion was put on the table as an option but i just couldnt bring myself to do it. his current stance is that if the baby is born, he will leave. he says the love is still there but he will have to leave once the baby is born. i truly understand his pain, hurt and anger.

the thing is, i still want to try to make the M work -- also to the point that i was willing to put the child up for adoption if onyl to give the M a chance. the thing is, if i put up the baby for adoption, then the truth will have to be known by our families about my cheating and pregnancy and he doesnt want that. right now, everyone around us still thinks its ours.

at one point we considered raising the child as our own. that was, in fact, his initial response. it was encouraging and i told him that what was important was not so much the blood running through the chil'd veins but how he will know no other father but him because he raised and loved him. but as the months moved on, he changed his mind. now he feels he's not strong enough to do it. the child will always remind him of what i did.

i truly love my husband and would do everything i can to save this M yet i fear that because a big chunk of his decision to stay is on whether the baby lives or stays, i can't help but feel depressed about it.

we've known each other for 15 years and what i did was wrong. im fully aware of the gravity of what i did. each day since i told him abt the A and P , im reminded of it everytime i see him sad or angry or hurt. and it isn't easy going through emotional and psychological stress when one is pregnant -- my first actually, which makes the situation even more tragic for both of us.

and the guy i cheated with doesn't know the baby is his. it was a 2time thing. he is from work but i've already left work and haven't reported since january and we've severed ties long before that. \

that pretty much sums up the situation right now. at the moment, i'm researching on adoptions, mostly intenrational. im from asia and the adoption process and procedures aren't that mature yet where i'm from. yet even H isnt too keen on adoption as i mentioned earlier. so it's almost as if i have to prepare for the M to end. it just tears me up inside. i keep praying and hoping, though some may think it foolish, that he would change his mind when he sees the baby and realizes he is innocent. but as H himself told me, i can't hold on that romantic notion. still, it doesn't cost much to hope and pray.

goodness trigger, look at what you'v unleashed? a novel-like litany of pent up emotions -- and that's not even half of it. *smile*

thank you for the ear and encouragement to talk. i hope this long reply doesn't scare you off...

have a good day and God bless!

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tigger thank you so much for offering your support. i really didn't think anyone would be interested. first off, im new here and while i have read the articles, im still not quite familiar with the acronyms (e.g. xom, d-day). nonetheless, let me try to answer your questions as i really need someone to talk to abt this.

[color:"purple"]You are very welcome, Sophia. I know that 5 1/2 years ago, when I first came here, there was no one in my shoes and I felt much like you do/did. I will try to quickly help with the acronyms: xom = ex-other man, d-day = discovery day or the day you told your H of the A, I am assuming you know H, A and P, OC = other child or child of the affair. There are many more, but right now, that's what you need to know. If I slip some in that you don't know, just ask. [/color]

yes i have told my H abt the A and the P -- less than 2 weeks after i found out abt the P. that was last sept. im due in april. abortion was put on the table as an option but i just couldnt bring myself to do it. his current stance is that if the baby is born, he will leave. he says the love is still there but he will have to leave once the baby is born. i truly understand his pain, hurt and anger.

the thing is, i still want to try to make the M work -- also to the point that i was willing to put the child up for adoption if onyl to give the M a chance. the thing is, if i put up the baby for adoption, then the truth will have to be known by our families about my cheating and pregnancy and he doesnt want that. right now, everyone around us still thinks its ours.

[color:"purple"]This is something that confuses me, if you have the baby, your H will leave but if you put the baby up for adoption then the truth will come out. What does he think the family will do or ask or say if he leaves you once the baby is born? He says he still loves you, and that, right now is the MOST important thing for you both. You still have 1 1/2 -2 months to build on that love to strengthen your M before this baby is born. I again would have you invite him to come here and at least read, if not post. There is a VERY old timer here who is a BH(betrayed husband) who is raising the OC as his own who could be very helpful. [/color]

at one point we considered raising the child as our own. that was, in fact, his initial response. it was encouraging and i told him that what was important was not so much the blood running through the chil'd veins but how he will know no other father but him because he raised and loved him. but as the months moved on, he changed his mind. now he feels he's not strong enough to do it. the child will always remind him of what i did.

i truly love my husband and would do everything i can to save this M yet i fear that because a big chunk of his decision to stay is on whether the baby lives or stays, i can't help but feel depressed about it.

[color:"purple"]Your H has now put you in an even tougher spot. He is basically telling you that he loves you, but that no matter what you will loose him, because he won't stay if you have and keep the baby, but he doesn't want you to put the baby up for adoption in fear that the rest of the family will then find out about the A. It sounds like he's scared right now and needs some guidance. Have either of you been to a counselor about this? I can tell you that my H was fairly detatched until our little Abbi was born. In fact, looking back at the pictures from when she was born, he wasn't too happy to be holding her in the delivery room, but about 24 hours later, he was all smiles in the regular hospital room. In all cases of A's the children, whether OC or COM(children of the marriage) are the TOTAL innocents. If possible, see if ou guys could call the counseling line for MB(marriage builders) and get some help from those who help SO many every day! [/color]

we've known each other for 15 years and what i did was wrong. im fully aware of the gravity of what i did. each day since i told him abt the A and P , im reminded of it everytime i see him sad or angry or hurt. and it isn't easy going through emotional and psychological stress when one is pregnant -- my first actually, which makes the situation even more tragic for both of us.

and the guy i cheated with doesn't know the baby is his. it was a 2time thing. he is from work but i've already left work and haven't reported since january and we've severed ties long before that. \

[color:"purple"]At this time, this is a good thing. If necessary, we can revisit it later, but right now the most important thing is to try to save your M(marriage). [/color]

that pretty much sums up the situation right now. at the moment, i'm researching on adoptions, mostly intenrational. im from asia and the adoption process and procedures aren't that mature yet where i'm from. yet even H isnt too keen on adoption as i mentioned earlier. so it's almost as if i have to prepare for the M to end. it just tears me up inside. i keep praying and hoping, though some may think it foolish, that he would change his mind when he sees the baby and realizes he is innocent. but as H himself told me, i can't hold on that romantic notion. still, it doesn't cost much to hope and pray.

[color:"purple"]Which part of Asia are you from? If you don't wish to say, I understand, just wondering. I am so sorry that your H seems to have put you in a tougher situation. Maybe you could ask him what you could do at this point to keep your M intact? Our Abbi will be 5 in March and is the joy of our lives, along with our other children. [/color]

goodness trigger, look at what you'v unleashed? a novel-like litany of pent up emotions -- and that's not even half of it. *smile*

thank you for the ear and encouragement to talk. i hope this long reply doesn't scare you off...

have a good day and God bless!


[color:"purple"]Please, don't worry about scaring me off. There are/were many times when I would get carried away because it was a place that people didn't know me, and I could just pour out my soul about what I'd done! Keep posting, I will answer as soon as I read, or let you know that I can't answer right away, but will as soon as I can. There aren't too many in our shoes who do post, so I try to connect with them when I see them to help them through. At this time, it's pretty much up to your H and his response to the question of what he wants you to do that would save your M. Please, keep posting, and don't give up. Again, ask any questions you wish, I will answer to the best of my ability.

I look forward to reading your next reply. God bless! [/color]


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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Sophia, if your DH is willing to read of the men who sometimes post here, he might be encouraged; they have been in his shoes and made it work. It *is* possible to separate feelings for the child from the A...

As said above, if he leaves you, everyone will know *something* is wrong!! He's not thinking things through.

Have either of you gotten counseling? A good counselor is REALLY worthwhile. I've heard great things about the phone counselors here at MB too.

Best wishes for your marriage,
J
m.19y
3 kids
visitation w/OC 7yo
PS Thank you for chosing life for your baby.
We adopted one of our children and
we cherish her so much.


Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person. -Mother Teresa
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hi tigger and jenny. H and i have talked about being able to separate feelings for the child from A a couple of times but he says he thinks he can't or he simply doesn't want to. and yes i have mentioned to him some posts of men who have undergone or currently are in the same situation as he is. i particularly found campdog's insights on slash's predicament very encouraging. but my H still says it's a different thing and still doesn't seem too sold on the idea or possibility of him loving the child.

while OC may seem to be the most pressing concern for him right now in terms of even considering giving the M a try, i also do know that a large part of it is still dealing with my betrayal. especially since for a time after D-day, i would admit that i fell in love with XOM. yet as i admit (and even he acknowledges it) that i was confused back then, and that what is clear to me now and what matters most to me now is how much i love him and how i want the M to work, he still finds it hard to let go of things we both said and done soon after D-day.

i suggested counseling many times but he doesn't want to. as for calling the MB counseling line, i'm afraid that would be a bit expensive being an overseas call and all. i really do want us to go to a counselor so that there'd be an arbiter or a third party perspective on things, especially since most discussions/ talks on the subject are against athe backdrop of hurt, paing, anger and fear that can easily overpower whatever love and hope there is. but he doesnt want to go to a counselor <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

almost every night since D-day is a discussion, if not an argument, over the details of what i've done and how the only chance for this M to work is a choice between the him and the child. actually, i also want a paternity test done because even as i'm mostly certain it's the XOM's, what if it was really ours? again, last night i begged him to consider staying at least a week or a month after the OC is born so he could validate how he would really feel seeing and holding the child. still, his stance is he doesn't want to.

*sigh* im really at a loss and i don't know what to do anymore at this point... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

but thanks for all your insights and advice -- they're helping me in more ways than you know.

take care both of you and have a good day!


ps: i wanted to send you pms so i could give you my yahoo messenger handle but it doesn't seem to be working. would love to be able to chat with you realtime, sometime.

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Because my yahoo isn't my main I will post it for you:

removing email now;)

Last edited by tigger4jdt; 02/13/06 11:06 PM.

Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
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sophia, I think tigger has my email. I can't post it here.

Finally: get counseling just for YOU! Like you said, you guys could use an impartial 3rd party, so get it for YOU. Sure, it'd be good if he went, but go anyway. If the counselor doesn't seem helpful, ask for/see a different one (particularly one who supports marriages). Also, since you have considered thepossibility, are there any adoption counselors where you are (who would not profit from your decision)? I'd really like to see you get some real-time help.

God bless,
J.

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WOW, this is very sad. You are in a tough spot. I agree with the above posters who say to spend the time trying to repair your marriage. Being a BW, who is and has been a proponent of no contact, I can't imagine how this must be for him. Or you.

I can give you some insight as a BW, who lived it. I was livid with humiliation and anger. The oc was seen as an embarrassment and humiliation. I think your husband sees it the same way. He is obviously torn here. I know I was. I kicked my husband out, took him back, kicked him out again. I lashed out and let him have it. The first years of knowing you have been betrayed are not easy. OC or not.

He is thinking about his own life and his choices right now. For me, I was extremely selfish at that time. I didn't care how he felt, or what he thought. I cared about me and my life and what my future was going to be. And yet I loved him. There was lots of conflict in my head. There were still decisions to be made. Stay? Divorce? Right now he is humiliated, which is why he doesn't want anyone to know. That is a hard hurdle to jump. The dammed if you do, dammed if you don't cant' be easy on you. I'm sorry.


However, have you read this whole site? Front to back? Print it out and try to live it. Try to save your marriage for now and see what happens then. You have time to work out some things.

I know this isn't going to be popular with people, but let him know that he comes first. The worst marriages are the ones where the children are put ahead of the spouse. Kids grow and leave to live their own lives. The marriage needs to be the primary, most vital and strong relationship in the house. It allows children to thrive in security. For you, right now, maybe you could find a way to let him know that you see the marriage and him as first. That you understand what this all is doing to him. That you are hurting for what has happened and that you love him and are sorry. Keep the child out of those conversations if you can. Concentrate on you two. As long as you get rest and keep yourself healthy, you will not be depriving your baby of anything. Find someway to connect apart from the affair and the child. He says he loves you, remember that.

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lynn, thanks for your post. i agree with you with trying to save the marriage first. i see how he hurts each day. and each day, i try to tell him i know but more importantly, that im sorry and that love him so much and would really want to work on our marriage. but it's tough keeping the baby out of conversations. besides it pretty much like staring him at his face (im due april), it's one of the main issues for him in terms of even giving this marriage a chance.

tigger, jen and lynn... thanks for your time and insights. frankly right now, my hope is waivering <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

i get the feeling the end is soon and it hurts so much. i wouldn't be surprised if some would think like -- well i get what i deserve, like it's all my fault anyway. maybe so. it was a mistake though. but i guess not everyone is lucky enough to get second chances *sigh* still, i hope. it's really tearing me up inside. yes even us 'offenders' feel the pain. im crying my eyes out even as i write this *tries to smile*

i really love my husband so much and i want to make this marriage work. and i pray with each day and waking hour that there still could be a change of heart. i'll hold on to that miracle, no matter how thin the thread may be...

take care and God bless...

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(((((Sophia)))))

Your pain is real. After several years, it became clear that my husband's pain (the offender's pain and guilt) is worse than mine, the betrayed... it's harder to live with having hurt people you love as WELL as yourself. I'm not a big Oprah watcher, but she once called adultery "soul murder" and that phrase never left me--is SO true!

So I'm sorry you got yourself into this and I sincerely hope your marriage makes it.

PLEASE get some support for you, and FIND what made it possible for you to A. in the first place. Even if your marriage fails, you'll want to work this stuff out before any other relationship, or the same patterns could repeat. And maybe if your DH sees the progress you make in counseling, he'll be more open to you and/or counseling.

Huuugs,
J


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Sophia,
I read your post the other day and I have been thinking about you.
I am a BW that is raising the OC. My H has Primary Custody of "Lil Bit." She is now 4 1/2 years old. We have had contact since the DNA results confirmed she was H's child. Lil Bit was 5 wks old.

I know that being the BW is much different from being a BH. But, I can fully understand his feelings, because they were my feelings at one time as well.
Women and men deal with these things differently.
For me, when H placed Lil Bit in my arms that first morning, I melted. All I knew was that this little girl was going to need someone to protect her and care for her.

For men, it is a different ballgame.

I know you feel that it is hopeless at this point, but please do not give up hope. Hope is not lost, as hard as it is to see right now, it is there.

Keep reading, keep posting... and above all keep hoping.

Tigger has my email and my yahoo id if you ever need a shoulder or just an ear.

Hugs,
Stacia


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No waters He cannot part;
No brink He cannot cross;
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thank you for the hugs -- it's such a comfort and it gives me strength and hope somehow. even as i only read it on screen, i can really feel the sincerity. or it could be just desperation on my part since i haven't talked to anyone about it in person *grin* im just kidding... i really do feel your concern and all the warm thoughts and prayers *looking crazy here smiling & crying at the same time*

stacia, it's great to hear your insights. i share and agree with your observation when you pointed out how different men & women react to things. a woman's motherly instinct i guess usually takes over. for men, i suppose besides the love of course, is the pride of the child being their own flesh and blood. though i've also read some encouraging posts of BHs raising the OC, including that of tigger's H, hutch and campdog. and those also give me hope.

this week could be the decision week -- rounds of discussion on whether to stay or go, with or without the baby, putting it up for adoption. my mom's flying in from the US next weekend to stay for a month and hopefully until i give birth. that same weekend, H is leaving for a weeklong business trip.

i cant help but get the feeling he would want to make the final decision before he leaves. worst case scenario is that i'll have the week to pack up and go and so i won't be here when he gets back. im hoping for the best for this marriage and dreading the worst at this point. yet even as i dread the worst, i can't help but tell myself that maybe even that storm and a little bit more time, hope can be renewed. pathetic? maybe. but it's just that i still cannot bring myself to give up *sigh*

i remember in one of our discussions that he doesn't want to sign the birth certificate. i told him we could put it off until after a month or two -- until he has seen and spent time with the baby, done the paternity test, and/or really has made up his mind that he just can't accept the child. while he has said that he doesnt want to give it a shot, like what you said stacia, im still hoping.

H was the one who brought me to this site -- made me read the articles. but i dont think he visits anymore. i took a shot at posting in here as the cheating and pregnant wife looking for insights mostly. i never thought i'd get as much support and encouragement in terms of holding on and making the marriage work. interestingly though, i have yet to see a man's perspective or comment on this thread.

stacia, thanks for the posting, the concern and encouragement. have a good evening -- im just about to start my day.

take care and God bless!

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before he left for work this morning, he told me to plan my life. he expects me to leave as soon as i can *sigh* so is this really how it's going to be? how i wish i had someone to talk to or a shoulder to cry on right this very moment...

sorry guys, just needed to vent...

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Sophia,
Unfortunately, sometimes that's how things end up. You said before that your mom is coming. Would you be able to go to the states with her? You need that physical support, especially at this time in your pregnancy. I think that if you push for anything from your H right now that it will push him too far. Is there ANY possible way that this child could be your H's? I wish that I knew what better to tell you. Being the WW, you need to do what your H's asked. I would see what you can do by way of a letter or actions to prove to him that you realize the mistake you made, and that you are willing to work with him to make it right.

You also said that your H used to read here. Do you know why he's stopped? See, on my D-day, I was willing to give everything up to save my M, and was lucky that my H didn't want that. I SO wish I could help you more. I'm at a loss as to what you need to do, if there is anything at this time, to save your M. Please keep posting, and if you wish, email me at the yahoo address. Maybe we can brainstorm on what can be done.

Don't worry about coming here to vent, that's part of what this board is all about. Keep us updated. God Bless

****edited for clarity****

Last edited by tigger4jdt; 02/20/06 08:54 AM.

Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
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Sophia, would your H be willing to come back here and talk to some of the men who have raised their WW's OC as their own? It may be worth a shot to put him in touch with K or Sundog.


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DS 15
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faith, i asked him before already but he said he has read the posts. it seems that's as far as he would go. im not sure if he has posted anything here or tried to communicate with those in his same situation. he doesnt even wnat to seek counseling... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

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I have heard varied advice on that subject. Some say divulging such truths only eases the guilty parties' consciences, and, in turn, burdens the other parties. I used to think complete honesty was best but, after hearing other perspectives...am not so sure.

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I have heard varied advice on that subject. Some say divulging such truths only eases the guilty parties' consciences, and, in turn, burdens the other parties. I used to think complete honesty was best but, after hearing other perspectives...am not so sure.

Which truths are you talking about here? From what I know and from what I've lived through, telling the truth can only help both sides of the WS/BS coin. If the WS holds the truth in for fear of hurting the BS more, well then they can't have a M in the true sense of the word. The WS will be constantly worried that the BS will find out the truth sooner or later, and usually they do. What causes MORE pain is that yes, the BS is hurt more when the whole truth comes out, but the longer the WS holds it in, the MORE pain the BS is in, and the fact that the WS was holding yet more from the BS is what causes that MORE pain.

Now, if you are talking about having the BH raise the OC as his own and not telling the xom, well in many situations, it's what's best. I'm not saying that the WW should not tell her H of the OC and xom, but, for instance, in my own situation, the xom was VERY violent, from threatening my H's life in front of a neighbor AFTER he had attacked my H physically, to stalking us after D-day, AGAINST his CO's(commanding officer in the military) direct orders, until he was kicked out. SO, we have never even thought of letting this psycho know of the possibility and have never done a DNA test. My H knew before he made(notice I said HE) the decision to claim the OC as his that this OC wasn't his(many things to prove that that don't need to be discussed, just know that we knew). The truth was known by those that needed to know, me/WW and H/BH.

So, when you say that you don't think that complete honesty is necessary, it IS in a M, and I will ALWAYS stand by that.


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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i will not be a hypocrite and say that keeping the truth about the A and the P from my H never crossed my mind. that maybe i could pull it off and get away with it. but when it did, i immediately knew and believed in my heart that it's not right. he deserved to know everything, especially in this case. he was the one betrayed and to fool him even more and for much longer would be even more cruel.

it is also not just easing the guilty party's conscience. it's giving the person you love, the offended party, what is due him -- the truth and the right to take action based on the truth. i don't believe telling the truth is a mere act of selfishness and self-preservation. it is the first step to setting things right. it is owning up to one's mistake and bad deed, and more importantly, facing the consequences of one's actions.

that is what i'm going through right now -- facing the consequences. and it's not easy. from where i stand right now, everything still seems uncertain. i'm scared of what will happen and how this story will end but i am hopeful.

'truth sets you free' -- now that may seem self-serving. but it is just the first step and often times, the 'what now' after the truth has been told is what makes or breaks us all.

God bless!

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Sophia, how are you doing? I haven't been on the im lately, but still think abot you and your situation. If you have the time or chance, give me an update.


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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