DDAY 11/05 In recovery. Been through MC. Working on ourselves now. He (WH) wants me back and right now I don't know what I want. Somedays i feel happy we are trying to make this work and other times I just don't know what I want. Flashbacks have been one of a few problems that are still in the way. He is in a full time graduate program and sees OW everyday. He says there is NC. I don't know if I believe him. If he is going to be late from school, or has to go there on the weekend to study, I feel tense and uneasy. When he was cheating on me (for a month), he would tell me he was that he was studying with her and the rest of his study group. It was his excuse to spend time with her.

I recently exploded at him when he called to tell me his ride wanted to study or a upcoming exam after class and that he was going to stay late too. He didn't come home until 930pm ( his class got at 4pm). I was furious, and when he got home I let out all my frustrations. I told him I didn't want to be with anymore, this stress wasn't worth it. All my frustrations came out again. Can you blame me? There hasn't been a day that goes by when i ask myself,"why me?" why do I have to live like this and suffer? It's not fair. He is so afraid to mess things up and is always trying to do things to please me and that's not I need from him right now. I think he should stand up to me or I need to know how I should deal with these painful flashbacks. He's in that program for another 2 years and this is something I have to deal with because it's going to happen again. If this relationship is to work it has to be equal at some point. Every time I rage at him, there is nothing for him to say because I have the right to be mad. So what can I do to control these feelings every time a flashback occurs? Please help?

tiare, unfortunately recovery won't start until contact ends. Your feelings of fear and anger are completely rational and will continually get worse until this torture stops. Trust can never be restored until contact truly ends and until then, you will die a death of a thousand cuts when he continually violates your trust and puts you back to day 1 of recovery. He is in a state of perpetual withdrawal that prevents him from ever recovering.

You say that there is nc, but there is no such thing here. Like you said, "he sees OW every day."

Are you married to him?

Hi Tiare,

Welcome to MB - so sorry you are here. It is a good place to be under the circumstances.

My H's A started in his graduate program with a classmate (MBA), so I know exactly what you're going through. Basically, until school was over, we didn't have a chance.

I got the whole "we're in a study group so I *have* to see her" and "we're only communicating about school." We even had an accountability partner in their class who knew the whole story.

It did no good, because WH was not strong enough to see her every day and not give in to the urge to be with her.

Even after school ended, we struggled. Our real recovery didn't start until he instituted total NC - MSN Messenger came totally off the computer, email addresses were changed or passwords given to me, and phone numbers were changed.

I know how you feel - I felt as though it was a choice he needed to make - school or me - but I felt like a total *itch even suggesting it. I sometimes wonder - if I'd said "school or me" and stuck with it whether we'd be farther ahead now....

Is there any way he can postpone his studies? Transfer to another school?

It is possible that the A is indeed over. But that constant contact with the OW isn't good for him or you, and ultimately it will compromise recovery (or, at the very least, delay it for two years).

Blessings,

G

You guys have helped a lot with your comments but...no one has posted how to deal really with those flashbacks...When I kiss my girlfriend I still feel his lips over hers, when I see her underwear the only moment I can picture is when they were taken off by his hands...

Any psychological tecnique to get rid of those thoughts?

Darius, there is no way to "deal" with those flashbacks. You have to live with them until they go away over time. LOTS of time. And hers will not go away anytime soon because he is still seeing the OW.

So I have to wait 2 years and go thru this @#!# every week until then? That's no way to live IMO. I want to believe there is NC but it is hard. Tranfering to another school is not an option and he is not going to put his life on hold for her. Maybe it's pride but I'm not going to let her think she's won by him having to make drastic changes to his life. They both need to deal with what they've done and I don't want him to runaway and hide from this like he tends to do. There has to be a way to get through this?

Are you MARRIED?


tiare, you said "I want to believe there is NC but it is hard." But why would you believe something you KNOW is not true?? You told us yourself he

.

No contact means NO CONTACT. Seeing each other every day means that is not happening.



But she has won. She gets to keep him in her life without consequences. She is not suffering at all, YOU ARE. You have not won anything if contact is continued, you have LOST because that means the affair will be on-again/off-again and the marriage will never recover because he is in perpetual withdrawal.

Would it be possible for him to skip one semester and that would put him in a different class/studygroups? Not sure if that would be possible, but might cut even mor econtact out.

When my husband was in a program that involved a great number of hours at the school and study groups in homes, I went with him. I took a book and read or studied while he did the same. I have spent many nights camped out under a drafting table just to be with him. I spent many many nights reading while they studied or drafted.

I started hosting the study groups at our house. I was there with him.

I know that is not going to stop the contact, but it will at least put you in the same location with him.

Would it be possible for the two of you to go talk to the dean? Tell him the situation and see if he can offer a soultion.

As for flashbacks, whew, they just come at you when you least espect them, don't they? Time. Changing your thoughts as things come up, but that isn't the easiest thing. It does get better- except at anniversaries of events. Time helps.

Darius,

Threadjacking is not something I support, but in a way it's answering both you and Tiare.




It is true that there is nothing you can do to make the visions go away. Those will slowly disappear when NC has been established and you are on the road to true recovery.

The only way I can give someone an idea of what it will be like is to compare it to physical pain... in my case I use braces as an example. Anyone who has ever had braces knows that the first few days after getting them tightened leaves your teeth very sensitive, but as each day passes you go from eating soup, to soft foods, and then eventually to regular food.

Visions are similar to this because in the beginning you are very sensitive. As time goes by during true recovery, along with the help of the WS, those "flashbacks" slowly go from your main thoughts to the back of your mind. They will never disappear completely, but be asured that, just like braces, the pain will not be there forever. Eventually, after all the painful tightenings, even the braces come off leaving you with a better smile. Same goes with recovery... only it's called a better marriage.

To answer some of your questions from earlier. No we are not married, together for 8 years. We planned to get married after he graduated. Holding off for another semester is out of the question. We live in another state and wish to return ASAP. If we are going to have a chance to survive together, I want him to finish school, if not it just adds to the negatives. I will leave him if he doesn't finish this. If he flunks out our future together is pretty much ruined because I'm tired of waiting for him. If we wants to leave me, than it's his decision. It would be fine by me eventually and I'll probably be better off. Who wants to live with someone who betrayed them? I look at many couples and I ask myself if they've ever experienced what I'm going through? I don't think they have and that just pisses me off and makes me want not want to put up with his s!@#. As of right now, i don't really know if I want to be with him. He says he wants to be with me only, I want to give him the benefit of the doubt even though I am lowering my standards.

Talking to the dean is out of the question. It is not their business what goes on with us and the OW. If he really wants to be with me than he has to deal with temptation everyday. He is going to see OW and what he does is up to him and will decide our future together. It's his decision. I am here to be supportive and encourage him in his studies so he can be successful. It's hard to do... I'm not putting much stock in our future together. I love him but if he really wants to be with me, if he really wants to be honest with me and make our life better, than it all needs to start now! The OW has been warned and I think she will stay out of his way.

He has been doing nice things for me and trying to open about everything. He talks to me everyday about OW and if she speaks to him or not. To this day she has not by his admission. There are times when I will still get upset, cry , threaten to kick him out of our house, threaten to leave, or find someone else to get revenge. It's been getting out of control lately and it's causing too much stress for the both of us. I want us to heal!
Hopeful, thank you for your encouraging words. I know it will take time but I was wondering if there's another way to deal with this. I guess I have to be patient and he has to learn to live with this until I cool down.

tiare, the fact of the matter is that if you do marry him, you will do so knowing FULL WELL what to expect. This is a likely indicator of things to come in a marriage. If he cannot handle engagement, it is unlikely he will be able to handle marriage. You are one of the lucky ones who were forewarned of things to come in a marriage. I hope you use that gift wisely and wish you the best.

well....i would say that getting married to a known cheater would be a bad idea...

and if he will not transfer to another college, then what can you do?

the images my dear WILL NOT go away. it is something that you LIVE WITH FOR LIFE...and make a distinct choice.

EITHER YOU CHOOSE TO LET THE IMAGES RULE WHO YOU ARE...DICTATE YOUR FEELINGS TO YOU OR YOU DO NOT VALIDATE THE IMAGES..WHICH ARE SEEDY LIES.

I to this very day, when I see my xh, I see the lies...sometimes I don't...which is good. but many times, when I see his face, I see speedy snippets of his actions...I see flashbacks to a resort in the bahamas...I see the tape made by the private investigators of them leaving a restaurant walking hand in hand with his business partner along for fun...i see the day i busted him...

they just flash fast before my eyes.

when I was working on my marriage and attempting to save it, I was too busy to let them come into my life...but after I gave it up, they came fast and furious...after I knew that it ws not to be saved.

and now strangely it's good. It is ok. I am now able to see there were TWO men in my life...my husband who is not there anymore...like he's dead...and my xWS..the man who MADE THESE IMAGES HAPPEN.

it for me, was a way to heal. I saw the lies...I saw the inability to want to change or heal his family...and the flashbacks along with his actions have helped me move on...and move on quickly.

to those really dealing with it, just realize that there is the one you love...and there is the wayward spouse. the WS is one who's doing and made that darn movie in your head. your H or W is not that person....but they are two distinct personalities within the same person. wierd I know...and you want to do all you can do to exorcise the demon that is the WS.

but tiare honey, cut bait. that's what we say in my town for letting them go. cut bait dear.

It's not that he doesn't want to get married, we wanted to start our careers first.

Justpeachy,
I am sorry for your loss and pain. Please make no mistake, I know his cheating has changed things for us forever. MC has helped recognize what he has done and I what I have done to contribute to the problems in our relationship. We are both working on these issues. He is dedicated to making this work and I want to give him that chance because I love him still. He wants to change.

"to those really dealing with it, just realize that there is the one you love...and there is the wayward spouse. the WS is one who's doing and made that darn movie in your head. your H or W is not that person....but they are two distinct personalities within the same person. wierd I know...and you want to do all you can do to exorcise the demon that is the WS."

This is how I see my SO. Only I am rooting for the one I love. the other personality is the one I want to lay to rest. Don't tell me I am wrong for giving this a 2nd chance. Everyone else here in this forum is struggling with the same thing I am and even worse. Again he wants to change and I want to give him the chance but at the same time it is so painful for me that I need to reach out for support. Our MC counselor said the hurt will always be there but lessen with time. She never said how I could deal with flashbacks and this is what I was looking for.

thanks to everyone else who offered their advice

IMO, flashback will go only when you will be happy in your relationship, so dont even count on flashbacks because you are in a process to rebuild the relationship. once you overcome the damage. you will not be bother even if the flashbacks comes or go. this will become history and thats it. currently you are feeling bad because you are going through the recovery process so concerntrate on it,
thats how I look at it.
KFH
BS me(33)
WS W (33)