I apologize about the double post across topics, but it was suggested that this might be a more appropriate forum for this issue.


I have been married to my wife for 10 years and we have 3 children together and I have one step daughter.

About a year ago, while on booting up my computer, I received a popup stating that I had files that still waiting to be burned to a CD. I opened it to find several pictures of my wife in suggestive and alluring poses.

I confronted her and she had said they were supposed to be gift for our anniversary, which was over 2 months away.

She had been spending hours playing an online game (which has been uninstalled and deleted)and several times I had caught her not playing, but sitting in one spot and talking to one particular person. I had mentioned this and she stated that she had made some friends online. She had indeed, and even been asked to become a contributor to the team website. It had always been difficult for my wife to make friends due to some insecurities issues, so I let it go. I did, however, suspect that something may be going on. With the discovery of the pictures, I put a keylogger on the the PC and found that she was engaging in Chat-sex with this particular person. I also found her pass-word for a private email account, and upon getting into her emails I found further evidence of an emotional affair. She said all of this wasn't real and she viewed as the same thing as viewing ponography. She was also planning a trip to visit a friend (a female, who I have met)who lived
in the same state as the person she had been talking to. I confronted her and she swore that she would not meet him and even changed her flight, to be over 200 miles from the man. She did not however cancel the trip. I gave her the benefit of the doubt and stopped looking at the chat logs, and she had also deleted the email account that she had had and replaced it with another one that I had access to (for a wile at least).

To make a long story short, I found out about a month ago that she had met him not only on the initial trip, but on a later trip with her family to repair damage to a family condo due to the hurricannes (although, this time I'm told, she was never alone with him, as family her family was there). He apparently had a brother that lived in the same town as her friend. I confronted her again and she at first admitted that she did indeed meet him. Then that their had been kissing and heavy petting.

After much hand wrenching and aguing, about a week ago, she admitted having sex with him on the couch in her friends living room (classy, huh?)

I found out he was a 22 yr old college student, although since my wife only knows what he told her on the game ( at least, as far as I know)he may be even younger. I am 37 and my wife is 33. My wife explained the entire affair, in intimate detail, to me, stated that this may have been this guys first time, due to his inexperience and brevity of the act. I only mention this to illustrate what she has said to me. I supposed she could just be just trying to save my ego.

I told her I was seeking a divorce and she begged me not to leave her and our family. I told her that since she had not ended the relationship, and continued to speak to him. Including sexual topics includidng their time together, how could trust her?.

I finally I emailed this man and threatened to 'come have a 'man-to-man' talk with him' and in short threatened to kick the living ****** out of him. My wife swore that he had not contacted her, but a quick check on her phone found 3 text messages from him. I again confronted my wife and she crumbled to the floor and begged me to forgive her again and that she had told him not to contact her , but she had tried to do it nicely. I again contacted him, leaving a voice message essentially telling him that I would put him in the hospital, if I ever heard her even mention his name again. She wrote him an email (in which she let me read) stating bluntly that she wanted nothing to do with him again. Shethen changed her phone number and as far as I know hasn't heard from him.

I have to say that I have been a pretty insensitive husband over the years, I drank quite a bit and at times, and could be dissmisive and sometimes nasty in arguments. She stood by me though 2 DWIs, before I finally got my act together. I was told by my friends that I wasn't paying enough attention to her and had lost my previous long term (6 years girlfriend due to the same reason. My wife had over the years had asked me to pay more
attention to her and, although I love my wife more that life itself, foolish pride caused me not to.

We have been to counseling and she is seeing a therapist. My wife admittedly has a problem with seeking the appoval of men, which I believe stems from the her father's drinking and his failure as a parent, and I believe for the first time she is confronting her problems and is working to better herself.

I am haunted by the mental images of my wife with another man and the thought that she could throw our marriage and family away for a cheap romp with someone she really did know.

She has said that she never intended for this to happen and she it was a fantasy that got out of hand. She says that she lied to keep us together, and she just wanted it to go away, despite her continues contact with him.

She says that this 'boy' had fallen for her and she didn't know how to end it properly. Her continued contact with him makes this a more than a little hard to believe. None-the-less, I am trying to be positve.

Everything I've read state that once a women cheats and is forgiven, she will do it again. Despite how I feel about my wife (Istill love her)I think I am OK with divorcing her, but there are children involved and this is effecting them already. I can, I think, continue to be her friend, if I leave and would try to help her get through her therapy and get better, but I don't know if this is simply an unhealthy desire to still be around my wife. The lies are more difficult than the physical act to forgive and my don't wish to be a fool any longer.

Does anyone have any advice or insights?

Bump

Should you forgive her?

Only you can answer this.

Should you divorce her?

Only you can answer this.

If you decide not to divorce her, the information on this site and the people on this forum can guide you through a process that can result in a better marriage than you ever thought was possible. During that process, you may find your reasons to forgive her.


Really? What have you been reading?

So, decide what you want. Recommend you read some stuff here before deciding and stop reading that other stuff.

Dolias-

There is another thread floating around here that I'll ask the author's of to come give you a hand...they're FWW's (former wayward wives) who have both had online/online-turned-physical affairs, and might be able to help you.

I've been in similar straits as yours...my wife had an online EA due to gaming as well, and was all set to leave and live with OM, even though she had never met him in person.

Some quick advice. First...KEEP SNOOPING, even if she says she's stopped!!! And do not reveal to her how you know things, but confront her every time you find contact between her and OM. Make it clear to her that you will NOT accept continued contact between her and this guy. OF ANY KIND!

Second, read up all the information you can on this site...not just the forums, but on plan A and B and all the other great information as well. There are a couple of books that help a lot..."His Needs, Her Needs", and "Surviving an Affair" are a couple.

If she's willing to reconcile, then marriage counselling (MC) is a MUST. Find a counselor who is PRO-MARRIAGE...there are many out there that are not.

Keep posting here...you'll find it to be a tremendous help in a lot of ways!

I've got to ask...what online game was she playing? I'm going to place a guess here...it was an MMORPG...like Everquest, EQ II, or World of Warcraft. I've seen TONS of marriages in your situation cause of these games friend...including my own.

Hang in there...keep the pressure on her to end contact completely, and keep your own cool as well!

Dolias, only you can answer that question if you should forgive your wife. Some people are incapable of forgiving those that have wronged us.

I HOPE YOU CAN FORGIVE HER.

If you could read this thread that Owl recommended, it might be helpful for you and your wife. (Listed below)

You will get to know many of us that have been through a similar situation as your wife by getting involved with emailing with OM. For some us, we knew this OM from school days, others met as strangers on line.

I will tell you it isn't easy to get out of this hold.
Most of us are (were) NEEDY for attention and affection.
(We weren't getting these Emotional Needs met quite enough from our husbands, yet no excuse. How could they compete with something new and exciting?)

Well, anyway, I am finally out from under this dark cloud of the on line affair and the sunshine feels pretty darn good.

Could you have your wife start posting on Cardsonly's thread? I think it would help her A LOT. You could post there also; we will try to honestly answer your questions.

Click here for the thread:
HELP! WITHDRAWING FROM A PAINFUL ONLINE AFFAIR

Is there any place for an A that would be considered "classy"?



The images you are haunted by will slowly fade from the front of your thoughts to the back when NC has happened and you are in true recovery. Between IC/MC and help from your WW they will be replaced by more comforting thoughts. But, they will NEVER go away completely.



Well, read my signature and you'll see how I feel about that line. Because that's what it is... a line.



Don't believe everything you read. There are plenty of women here that would prove that statement wrong as well as be equally offended by that comment.



First -- If I could grant you a divorce right now would that make things better.

Second -- Don't let the children be the reason you stay. I'm not a big supporter of Dr. Phil, but he has a saying that I firmly believe in.

"It's better for children to come from a broken home than to continue to live in a broken home." - Dr. Phil

The betrayal you feel right now is still raw. If you love your wife then don't jump ship quite so soon. Give time a chance along with IC/MC.

Dolias,
I am a FWW that had 2 online affairs. The first one, I met up with the OM. I never met the 2nd OM.


I never intended my online affairs to happen either. I think you will find this to be the case with most affairs. I found myself deeper and deeper into the affair and didn't know how to turn away. It became a "drug" to me that I needed daily.

You said that you still love her. She has asked for forgiveness and has claimed to have broken all contact with this man. PLEASE make it clear that you will NOT accept any further contact with this OM.

Have you told your wife this? My husband said these same words. He told me honesty was MOST IMPORTANT. Yes, I had deeply hurt him, but he needed me to be honest with everything. I had to completely understand this to stop my lies. I had to also feel safe to come to him when I failed.

Please keep posting. Read up on this site and get to marriage counseling.

Just thought I'd update you guys. I just found out that my wife has HPV, Human Papilloma Virus, following a recent Pap smear. Apparently a 'high risk' strain for causing cancer. And since I have been unaware of the infectoin or the affair, I have it now too. She may have had it for years and even before she meet me, in fact so too could have I. In my opinion, while it is possible that either her or I had it, it is far more likely that she contracted it during her affair. Condoms offer very little protection, and now that we have decided that we are going to go ahead with the divorce, my options for someday sharing my life again with someone are very limited. We are both asymptomatic, as not all strains cause warts.

We are now waiting for her test results to see if ther are any precancerous cell present. I soon will be going to a urinologist to get tested for a full spectrum of STDs now and am concerned that an examination may reveal a growth inside me. The problem is that if she does have cancer, and it is caught quickly she may lose some of her cervix, or in fact none of it. She has had a tubal ligation and is not planning on more children. If I have it, however unlikely, as the link between the virus and cancer is not well established, I may lose part of my penis, or at least have some urination and sexual funtion impairment. This will make any future relationship difficult to say the least.

Just venting and I am sad that this is one more thing that my wife's stupidity has taken from me. I know the post sounds a little selfish. I am truly worried about my wife and I would gladly trade palces with her if she does have cancer. I am just heart-sick and depressed. How could she have been so thoughtless?