I'm posting this because I have prompted myself to take more of a lead role in the recovery in my house, which frankly has not gone really well. Some things are better, but some things are not. My wife posts here, as some folks know, and she will see this post... probably within mere minutes of me posting it. Let that not stop you from whacking the crap out of me for things I will say. Let me have it. I am really hoping for an active thread, but what ever happens, happens.
First thing is a self-assessment. I decided to take my own words and use them for or against myself. A time ago, I wrote a guide modeled after a guide by WAT for betrayed spouses. Or course, mine was for waywards. I have decided to cut the pieces of it here and talk about how I have done at them, so as to open up pandoras box for me and have it all out. Honest assessment will lead to honest solutions to problems, I figure... so without further ado...
First, there are basically two types of affairs - Physical and Emotional. Or course, these two types may be combined. Physical is obvious, I suppose, but for the sake of this guide, I will make sure I cover it. A Physical Affair ranges from “innocent” kissing to full blown sexual intercourse. Not subtle. Very ugly. Easy to define. An Emotional Affair is more difficult to characterize. It is an ongoing relationship with the opposite sex (or possibly the same sex) where your important emotional needs are filled by someone other than your spouse. Phone calls, e-mails, instant messages, meetings for dinner, and the like, would fit into this category. The point is, if you have a relationship with someone that you are hiding from your spouse because you are "ashamed" for them to know....it's an affair. Yes, even if you didn't have sex with them. Sounds harmless to some, but this subtle affair can actually be worse than the physical kind. Call it what it is. Don’t invalidate the betrayal of it.
After some boilerplate, I start with the definition of an affair. I must admit, I see clearly what a PA is and I understand, to the degree that I can image it, what that must feel like to have a confirmed instance of this betrayal executed by the spouse. I have personally had unconfirmed notions in a previous marriage, so I know what that is like, but for the sake of arguement, I can say I get what a PA is and that it just plain sucks to even think about my wife doing this. The EA is a little harder for me to wrap my head around. Why, you might ask? Well, I spent the better part of my childhood being super-sensitive to feelings and really just crying at everything. I have no idea how I was ever any good at football...har har. I mean it was pathetic. I would get upset over the littlest things and cry about how mean something was. Then, over time and at a point I am not really sure of, I just stopped. I actually lived under the idea, for a while, that any relationship I was in was something I could walk away from in about 30 seconds, nothing made me cry... I just stopped feeling. It seemed. Now I am on the tail end of that and starting to feel again. kind of the middle ground, I hope... So how does this link to an EA? Well, in my mind, feelings really don't mean much... or didn't. Still learning. Talking with a person online really doesn't mean much to me. If my wife did it(thinking like I did a few years back and before) I didn't really care. It was the physical that I cared about. Big time... like ownership. I care now, and I certainly don't want my wife surrently trying to find some sort of mate online to talk to and get her needs met, but it is still a little hard to make that jump[ that she had an affair in my mind. Simply on the utter importance I place on physical loyalty to me. It is a paradox, actually, because I betrayed my wife with a woman that I did not fall in love with. I really didn't ever want to leave my wife for this person. When I got busted, that was it. I don't recall pining over this OW. My wife may see it a little differently, but I know I was never in love with OW. Not even for a little while. It was a cheap game with one simple payoff. Evil and stupid. No emotion, really. So having emotion and caring about emotion has been a learning experience for me. Made some progress. Still a ways to go.
This Guide comes from my personal experience and from the descriptions of many other Wayward Spouses I have read about for some months.
what a [censored] line this seems like now. Like I was some knowledgeable peron that could help the masses with my great wisdom. PFFT!!!! Personal ecperience?? I came here at the end of 2004 and in that time, people have come here and been in worse shape than me... yet ended up WAY better than me by now. Recovered in some instances. My experience is crap and should be a case study in how not to recover or how to test the limits over a vast amount of time of recovery.
Rule 1: Stop the affair. That you came to a site such as this, looking for help/support is a great step. It is by far not the only step. However, if you are still conducting the affair, it must stop. You will be unable to repair any damage or gain any forgiveness as long as the affair is ongoing. The affair will continue to cloud your already suspect judgment (you know…the bad judgment that got you involved in it in the first place) and you will be what is called a “Fence Riding Cake Eater.”
Also, Betrayed Spouses are encouraged to expose continuing affairs in order to facilitate their ending. When done sincerely, this is not an act of revenge, but rather one of hope for reconciliation. Own up to your mistake and NEVER blame your spouse for “telling on you” when you are the one who was wrong.
rule 1... check. The affair is stopped. over. ended. good so far. maybe this self assessment won't be so bad, eh??
Rule 2: Write a No-Contact Letter to the Other Person stating you are immediately ending the affair, that you will attempt to rebuild your marriage, and you request no further contact. Share it with your spouse and then ask your spouse to mail it to the Other Person. Do NOT fall victim to "in person" closure or tempting "final goodbyes". End it cold turkey. Once the affair is stopped, all contact must be ceased. This rule will vary somewhat for situations where children are born of the affair, but for the “general” case, ALL CONTACT WITH THE OTHER PERSON MUST END. All of it. You need to understand that you are an addict. If you are torn between staying with your spouse and staying with the Other Person, this is addictive behavior. Your spouse is the one who loves you. The Other Person was using you, and you were using them. Continuing ANY contact is extremely dangerous to your marriage even if you are the most sincerely remorseful Wayward Spouse that ever existed.
NOTE: Here is Marriage Builder advice on how to end the affair. This is part 2 of a 4 part series called “Coping with Infidelity”. Whereas all parts are important, and you should read them, part 2 applies to Rule 1 and 2, specifically. Here is a place to start when an Other Child is part of the situation (a child either on the way or already born due to the affair).
I recall doing this. It was an email. Short. To the point. It said,'It's over. She knows. Don't contact me again' or something relaly close to that. Very short. did two things. Stated the secret was out. Stated that I would not accept contact. two for two so far... yea me...I have actually NEVER broken NC. I think maybe I wanted to a few times in the beginning, you know to lessen the blow to the poor OW... stupid WS talk and I am glad I never did.
Rule 3: Read the concepts on the Marriage Builders site. You will need them as a foundation in order to move forward. Study them. Get to know them. Honesty, openness and kindness are all tenets of the principles here. Principles ranging from “What is Radical Honesty and why is it important?” to “Emotional Needs” are discussed in the articles here. The wise man doesn’t write a thesis on the Stock Market without gathering knowledge on the subject, so apply that idea here and study.
Ok... so I have read the stuff around here. I even used to post pretty regularly. My specialty was pissing off people with 'debate' threads. Calling people out over their mean styles of posting or over them saying something I did not agree with at all, after I thought I had a little MB under my belt. Then it got to a point that my wife thought I was spending too much time posting and reading and not any with her... thus hindering recovery. I remember getting in trouble for wasting yet another night on the computer posting when I could have done something with her to help her heal. More on that issue in a moment... I read ahead. I know I am screwed.
Rule 4: Find an outlet for your feelings and thoughts. You are hurting. You will go through a period of depression. You need a place to get it out. You need a place to get answers. Be mindful of guilt. Sure, you should feel guilty for this debacle, but too much focus on guilt can be stifling. If you are sitting in the corner of a dark room rocking back and forth on the floor, mumbling to yourself, due to guilt...this is not productive.
This site has helped countless people in your position, so use it. However, be aware that both Wayward and Betrayed spouses post here and they are all in differing points in their recovery (or lack thereof) from this horrible time. That said, take all posts in and think about them. You may feel as though you are getting attacked. You truly aren’t. You are getting the truth. If someone posts after you, berating you and your behavior, well face it….Infidelity is a nasty, emotionally charged issue and if you were in their shoes, you might well react in the same manner. It is your responsibility alone to make what you get from here constructive.
I suppose for a while I did this. Used this site as a outlet. That is what it is for, I guess. Then I stopped. Then the only outlet was my wife, and well, she is great but not really the best person to talk to about my poor wittle WS feelings after I cut her heart out with a dull stick and crapped on it.
Rule 5: This will likely be the worst experience of your spouse’s life. They will be a prime candidate for depression, so discuss seeing a doctor if they are having difficulty coping. They may need anti-depressants. Point them to this site and invite them to read and participate. They will need support. They are also a prime candidate for their own affair. PRAY THEY DON’T DO IT!
She has committed to this. I have committed to this. I actually think we are solid here. Honest assessment. I think we will stay together forever, but of course I understand that there are no sure things. As for as my life goes, I consider her a sure thing...which maybe that hinders progress because I might not try without 'push' like she might leave. I dont think so though, because I value her happiness so highly that I will do anything to attempt to get it. As I have learned, anything honest.
Rule 6: Get tested for STD’s. If you had sex during this affair, it doesn’t matter if you wore a nuclear fallout suit. Your spouse HAS THE RIGHT to know if they are infected with or have been exposed to any STD’s. So, be a grown-up and go get tested. Now! Then fully discuss the results with your spouse. Again, they have the right to know what STD's they may or may not have as a result OF YOU.
I did this. I was clean. I did it again. I was still clean. I have to admit that I think it embarrassing to have to get tested... but at the time of this specific instance I was so ashamed as to why I was there. I kind of over shadowed being embarrassed.
Rule 7: Your credibility will be shot for a long time. Sorry, but it is the truth. Your lying and hiding and covert actions all add up to you being a low-down dirty cheat. The good news is that you can recover from this. The bad news is that it will be a long road. By stopping the affair, sending the no-contact letter and being an open book to your spouse, you will begin walking this road. You do have the ability to change “I am a cheater” to “I was a cheater and will never be again”.
One of the key requirements of regaining your credibility is to divulge the entire affair to your spouse. Every detail. All of it. Secrets between spouses create and maintain walls. If you divulge all the secrets, you have done something to tear down the walls that now separate you and your spouse. This is a big one. Remember it. It will be a horrible journey for you. It will be worse for them.
The single biggest SCREW UP of my recovery. The worst thing I have done. I have not given her ALL the details in a coherent form. She has some from the beginning. She has 'the bahamas trip'. She has some through out the affair. I suppose I have answered a lot of questions. It has been with the idea of protecting me in mind and never really all that willingly. I hate talking about it, but it never goes away. Now... I am dying to rip that wall down, but since I spent so much time only giving her facts at my pace, she is having a really hard time giving a crap anymore. I should have been completely open and honest, ugly and forecoming about it all in the beginning when she was asking the questions. I was not. I have had moments where she asked questions and I answered them. numerous times, but because there always seems to be the idea of me not being wiling to do it, it wasn't meaningful. And, since then, I was caught in lies of sugarcoating to make something smaller than it was. I real big help. So... I jacked this one up big time. One thing I do know however, is that we have best gotten details out by me writing them and her reading. That has been the successful way to get them out in the past. So... whack away on this one, I need ot... even though I am completely willing to destroy walls, I should still get a beating for this.
Rule 8: Your spouse, whom you betrayed, is possibly going to act like a psycho. One minute they may be talking to you in a regular tone and the next, their head may split open, the devil may come out and they may begin frothing about how much they hate the very sight of you. This is normal. They are psycho. Why? Because you destroyed them!
You have hurt them in such a horrid way, it's indescribable. Imagine someone degrading you like a slave, killing you like the Nazis did the Jews, spitting on your dead corpse like the Italians did to Mussolini and any other horrid “atrocity” you can think of and then lump it all together. Now, imagine that the person that did all these horrid things to you had been professing they “loved” you. Yeah…they are going to be psycho. You put them there. Be part of the solution and help get them out. Their staying with you is not a requirement of this.
Wounded animal was also a great way to describe it. I guess psycho rubbed some folks the wrong way. Fact is, either be an active part of the cure... or get the ****** out of the way. Be understanding of the outbursts and anger. But define boundaries and safety. For yourself and for your spouse. it's a juggling act for sure. I best handled this with CA tactics... ha ha. what an idiot. "I'll try how to wreck a recovery for 100, Alex" Lack of openness and honesty mixed with conflict avoiding. What a powder keg that is. I'm surprised she is still even in the same state with me, actually. Don't do these two things. .oh... back to self assessment. I messed up on openness and honesty. I messed up on being part of the 'help get them out of ******"
Rule 9: You are not the victim. If you were raped, then you were a victim. If you willingly went into a hotel/motel/closet/office/backseat/<your place here> and engaged in sex, then you are not a victim. If you chatted for hours getting endless needs meet from a “friend” online, you are not the victim. Your spouse, whom you betrayed, is the victim, period. You victimized them. You may be dealing with a bad time right now as a result of this affair, but you had the choice to do or not to do it. That is the key. Your spouse did NOT get to choose. You chose for them and hurt them by doing it. Victim. Also related to this area is justification. Well…you had none. If you didn’t like the marriage, then you should have done something about it, not someone. Rational grown-ups would have chosen counseling or possibly coming to this site PRIOR to engaging in an affair. There is no justification for betrayal, so save yourself the grief and figure out as soon as you can that you had no justification for this huge mistake.
I actually did feel like a victim. Man... my wife went smooth off over this sometimes. it was ugly. I think it was like she tried to expose the affair by blasting it through the walls of our house...(little joke there) I felt like the victim of her anger and that is about the stupidest thing I can think of. I stab her. She bleeds on my shirt. I sue her for damaging my clothes. What a [censored]. I made this mistake in the past. I don't think I am a victim at all now. That is a fact. Just noting that I messed this one up too, but I have since repaired it... at least in my head.
Rule 10: Your situation is not likely to be unique. The actions and statements of Wayward Spouses are surprisingly similar. You can gain understanding and support from just about anybody else who has experienced an affair. Additionally, do not try to “snow” someone here. Most have been here long enough to know crap or “fog thinking” when they see it. And if you are displaying “fog thinking”, expect to get called out for it.
I wish more people would bust me over the head... but I know why they didn't. I wasn't honest. I sugarcoated. I tried to look like the good guy instead of BE the good guy. Big mistake. My wife is paying for it right this minute. In the other room while I type thie, over a year after dday and she still does not have all the facts or a husband that totally gets it.
I have a bunch to do. I might be asking questions. Maybe I can still repair this damage.
To my wife. I am so sorry that you have had to endure any of this. The first betrayal. The subsequent betrayals. The horrible days. All of it. You wrote sometime recently that you thought I was worth it. Wow. I appreciate that beyond words.
I think I forgot to mention in my guide how a WS HAS to push aside guilt and lead this recovery. It is part of the just compensation I think. Guilt paralysed me. I left my wife behind worrying about myself. I was angry at people here for not caring about my feelings... Me me me...
pride is a ******. I'm tossing it out the window and starting over. Im here to learn and I plan to start discussing the principles either here or with her. She has given me a ton of answers, and now I am going to do something with them.
thanks for listening.
