Mellow...i think i may have found posts from this person. i read many but don't see any connection to my WS or OW. don't see that i could even remotely be my WS. Blackbelt talked of severing all ties except emails. my WS has not severed all ties....i see him every evening on computer playing pool, IMing, and they are going away tomorrow together for the night. that's not severing ties or wanting to work on the M.

It doesn't sound the same to me Mellow.

That poster says her affair started differently. Doesn't work with her partner.

But, tough to know what's real vs just written.

WAT

OK, Glad it's not the same......I read the other's posts quickly and thought there may be a connection. Just wanted to give you a heads up.

The other poster claims the OMW posts on here. It would be interesting to know who that OMW is to give her a heads up. What a shame for her.

Anyway, glad it's not you.

Well exposure has finally happened. OWH received anonymous phone call yesterday telling him my WS & his wife were having A. He begged her to stay but she didn't say anything, hasn't confirmed or denied A. She has told her 2 brothers. She tells my WS that she doesn't love H anymore and that if he leaves me she'll go with him. My WS doesn't know what he's going to do. Still says he loves both of us. He is going to his parents tomorrow to expose. Believe everything will change tomorrow and not for the good either.

I'm so afraid he is going to move out. Nothing I can do to stop it. I haven't been doing well doing Plan A. Have made some changes with myself but have cried for over 30+ days, have begged him not to leave, have begged him to stop the A. It's so hard...had to get medication but stopped taking it b/c it made me too numb & it destroys what little sex drive I had.(That was the main EN I wasn't meeting enough) Guess if he leaves I'll have to get back on it to keep some sort of sanity.

He's still blaming me for causing him to begin the A. He has reminded me of all the reasons his feelings for me changed even though he still says he loves/is in love with me. I realize OW is making big deposits in his LB with any withdrawals being made yet. So of course she seems perfect, probably the one he wants to choose to be with. He's in the "fog" just like everyone on here describes.

We've had good times/close times since I found out about A though. We've been out together several times, worked together in the yard a couple times. Get along surprising well everyday that he's here, even with the crying & the pleading. He never gets mad, just holds me, reminds me he's still here.

Is this just too strange? Or has anyone else been in a similar posititon as me where WS stayed in home, A continued, no secrecy since I learned of A. Is it too much eating his cake?????

I dread waiting for him to return tomorrow after he has been to his parents. This all is just too hard, too painful. I feel consumed with the hurt, the uncertainty of what will happen. I can't seem to do anything or get anything accomlished in a day. Only thing I do is cook a meal and laundry...everything else is too much to handle.

I read this post by Starfish this morning and thought it might help you -

It is the fear that paralyzes you, sends blood rushing through your veins, sours your stomach, and interupts your sleep. It is the fear that gives away your power, your hope, and your forgiveness. It is fear that robs you of the active self and traps you in the role of patronizing enabler who will take them back at ANY cost...even if the price is too high. It is fear that keeps you from confronting and exposing. And fear that prevents you from enforcing your boundaries and having compassion for yourself.

Fear of abandonment.
Fear of rejection.
Fear of reaction....yours, theirs.
Fear of future...the unknown.
Fear of destitution and want.
Fear of failure.
Fear of losing.
Fear of loss.
Fear of solitude.
Fear of settling.
Fear of change.
Fear of lack of change.
Fear
Fear

Infidelity creates FEAR....and fear is crippling. Research shows us what we already know in our hearts....when we are fearful....we are unable to fire up the parts of our brains that "process" information on a logical, rational, spirtual level and create solutions that increase the odds for success in crises. When we are fearful....we don't use our neocortex....but instead, it is our limpic system which lights up our MRIs....our animal brains wired for "fight or flight".

There is no HOPE in our animal brains....because our indentity, our souls, our compassion....don't reside there. You are only capable of conflict or escape when you are there....so you must find a quiet place to deal with your fears so that you can confront, expose, do all the things that overcoming infidelity entails....all the things that happiness entails. You must value yourself as well as protect yourself, without fear of losing your WS or enforcing boundaries.....because if you don't....all your fears will be realized anyway.

MB is not designed to trap you in a marriage where your feelings are crushed and disrespected or the vows of marriage are meaningless. It's designed to help you overcome fear and give you hope that marriages CAN recover from infidelity....but you must be brave and be willing to risk losing your WS in order to regain trust, fidelity, security.

You must be willing to see beyond your pain and take logical and systematic steps to undermine the affair and increase the stability and security of your marriage. That takes courage above pain. It takes the peacefulness of knowing you are strong enough to lose a self indulgent and unrepentant spouse or recover with a flawed, but motivated one.

Don't let your fear take back a spouse who isn't ready to do the hard work recovery after infidelity entails. It is an invitation for misery.

If you don't believe you CAN survive without your WS....you cannot do what you must do to ensure success.

Stop being fearful of their threats...they are just excuses to leave or be selfish.

Stop being fearful of their reactions....their reactions arise from their guilt...not your boundaries.

Stop being fearful of taking a stand....it's the only way to gain respect or trust.

Stop being fearful of being alone.....until you can stand on your own and risk losing them, you will NEVER know if they remain with you by choice. And you will never know if you want them or you NEED them.

And if you need them....even if they return....you are in trouble chere.

--------------------

Thanks Believer,

I found this several days ago!! Printed it out and have read it many times. I know it's so true of me....i'm terrified!!!!

I've been thru this all once before with previous husband but at that time I still had kids at home to raise, a job to go to every day. Now my kids are grown, married and living on their own. I'm retired now and have nothing but time on my hands. Since all this I can't concentrate on anything...tv, books, sewing, crafts. there was always tons of things to fill my days until he came home. I'm a very dependent person..I have never even mowed!! I worry about so many things that I'm going to have to take care of on my own plus then there is the overwhelming pain and hurt of this betrayal. My WS has always taken care of me and I've relied heavily on him to make financial decisions, and all kinds of other decisions, to do the mowing & weed eating of a huge yard, to take care of home repairs. He promised to always do this & to always love me, to never put me in this position ever again. I love him dearly and already miss him beyond words anticipating his leaving. Yes the fear is a huge issue with me. Most I fear the loss of his companionship, his presence in the home, the anticipation of his arrival home, his daily phone calls, my need to take care of him.

I can understand why you are so frightened. But you need to be able to make a nice life WITHOUT him, if it comes to that.

I failed to save my marriage. My husband has been living with the OW, and has been for 3 years. My life is better than it has ever been, and I'm 58.

I was completely miserable at first, but once I started working on making a better life, I got happy again.

I'm the same age you were when your H left. I know I have to make a life for myself if he should decide to choose her. I already have some pluses that I need to remember. I have many great friends. I have 2 daughters that I'm very close to. I have 3 wonderful grandchildren that I adore and who live close enough that I can see anytime I want to.

Right now it's hard to even comprehend that life could be better without him...for a long time I thought it was the best it could be WITH him. It's just the journey there is so scary and painful and lonely. People survive but don't even want to think that I might have to try. It's still so early yet...just been a little over a month since D-Day.

Well, you are still very early in this, and usually the WS goes back to the wife.

But don't waste 18 months like I did. I could hardly work, cried all day, and was a real mess. The folks here helped me realize that I would be okay no matter what happened with my marriage.

I'm a completely different person than I was 3 years ago, and none of it was by my own choice. But my life is good again. Please take care of YOU. All of this is so emotionally draining, you need to always remember to nurture yourself.

With my last husband I wasted 7 YEARS!!!! 7 years!!!! We were separated 6 of them and I allowed him to come and go to our home and bed as he pleased during all those years and then we got back together for a year and then he left for good and divorced me!!!

Shortly after that I met my present H and thought I'd found a lifetime of love and happiness, trusted him implicitly and thought up until I retired that life was wonderful....then I retired and had more time for him but he didn't have it for me and neglected my EN and I his, I found things to occupy my time, hence the A and the mess we're in right now.

How in the heck do you people do Plan A???? It is so hard! I'm not doing a very good job of it. At first I did, because I guess I thought the A would stop. It hasn't even after exposure. It continues without the secrecy. OWH just ignores the A and doesn't discuss it. His mother never said a word when told. His father never told him to work on the marriage, just that he would stand by whatever decision he made. His adult kids know but don't discuss it with him and have not contacted me whatsoever. WS is furious because I talk to my adult children about it and is always concerned if any of my friends know. Doesn't want to look bad to anyone. I believe he believes he was justified in starting an A. More of the fog you people talk about I guess.

Lately all I do is cry, plead, nag. I know I have to stop, I know I have to get on the right track with Plan A but it's just hard hard hard to do! I feel like I'm being his doormat, allowing him all the cake eating. I give, give, give and only sometimes do I get back. I keep telling myself Plan A is not about me but about showing him a changed me and a pleasant atmosphere to live in but then I see the A continuing right under my nose. WS says he knows it's wrong but can't stop it. Says he doesn't know what he's going to do. Says he knows at some time he's going to have to make a decision. Says he's afraid he'll make the wrong decision. Says he loves us both and doesn't know how he can just throw the OW to the side and forget all about her when she loves him so much and he has deep feelings for her now and when she was there for him when he "needed" her. Says he enjoys talking with her, being with her, doing things with her and that the sex is great.

This past weekend I was sure he was moving out but at the last minute decided to stay if I would have him. I know this all is playing heavily on his mind. He's not eating like he should, has lost a lot of weight, drinks more than I think he should, is cold and distant at times and at others I see the old H peeking through. He continues to blame me for causing him to have an A(I know this is the fog you guys keep talking about). Says if I been like I am now 7 months ago he'd never gone looking.

I know he fears that if he chooses to stay and work on our marriage that I will "go back" to being the person I was before. He has also said I've changed too much. Says I'll throw the affair up in his face....I've never even gotten to the angry stage yet, just incredibly hurt! Said I'd stopped loving him and pushed him out the door. I truly believe he believes he is totally NOT at fault in seeking out OW.

It's just all so hard when he becomes so cold and mean hearted and the wall is up and then other times I see my true H. I have a big issue with fear as I've mentioned in my other posts. It just makes me crazy so much of the time. Can't seem to get strong.

My FWH said all the same things, LovingStill. Right down to, if he came back, I'd never let him live it down...to the oh, but I love her and we share so much crap.

Year and three quarters later...no way. Says he was crazy about a fantasy, can't believe how good marriage could be, couldn't envision it...contentment, teamwork and safety prevail.

He's intimate for the first time in 17 years. True to his thoughts, feelings and beliefs...which he shares.

Plan A isn't a doormat unless you make it so. Stop making it so. See where in your marriage you manipulated each other...where you nudged so he'd move...and focus on you...owning what you didn't, loving yourself for who you really are and inject respect into your Plan A. You can do this.

Until you see your own choices, your own power, he can't see his...you're in the way. Know in yourself you aren't the cause, control or cure of anyone...can't be done. You're human.

I remember cold, mean hearted...walls and sniper attacks. I put them where they belonged...into a hopper on my head...so that they wouldn't go straight into my brain, where I would believe them. I kept his words there until I could let them in with the knowledge these are his...only his...not mine. I got a hold of my own fear, insecurity, how I thought life should go and traced back my emotions to my own beliefs.

I did crazy. Wasn't a fan. I like sane much better.

You can do this. Do your own Plan A FOR YOU...keep your focus on you, not him.

LA

Today my WS & OW are out looking for houses to BUY!!!! He already has a house in a neighboring town but doesn't want to go there! Guess it's not good enough for her. He says he's moving out but doesn't know what she's going to do. Why won't he just admitt that she'll be leaving her H and moving in with him....I bet very very soon after he does.

Says he still loves me but that he can't let her go & that she loves him too. He keeps giving all kinds of reasons why we can't work it out. He says I've pushed him into making a decision sooner than he would have with all my crying. Says he can't take it anymore. Well, I just can't stop hurting and crying. He says he feels like a rat trapped in a trap. Cares about us both but is so sure we can't rebuild...too many problems. Has a zillion reasons why not. I don't want him to leave, but he just won't give her up. I feel like all hope is gone now that he says he's leaving and looking for a house. What do I do? Just let him go gracefully??? Is that possible? It hurts so much. I don't know what I'll do with him gone.

I have good intentions of doing a good Plan A but just can't seem to pull it off. I know I need to back off but when I try I always end up failing. What should I do?????

You know what to do. Why are you unwilling to do it?

Your tears cannot make him anything.

Your pain is yours.

You're half this marriage...he chooses his half.

He can't give you reasons for why it won't work...you're half is yours. Your reasons are yours.

This whole post was about him...and asking what you should do. To what? Make him? Let him?

As long as you believe you have the power to let him go or stay, gracefully or otherwise, then your intent is not good or pure...and you won't learn from yourself what you need to learn.

You're hurting. You're here when you hurt. What books have you been reading, which threads, what exercises have you been doing...for you?

LA

I've read SAA, HNHN, and have just started on Love Busters and have Dobsons book Love Must be Tough but haven't started it yet.