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Joined: Mar 2002
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I actually made my decision quite some time ago, but wanted to make sure I was consistent and at peace with it before posting about it. I want a divorce.

At first (end of Dec, beginning of Jan), I wanted a divorce because I needed things that STBX wasn't giving in the M, and I knew he never would. Now, I want one even if he does all I need. I know it is a subtle difference that doesn't effect the outcome, but it is an important difference to me. There is literally no conceivable scenario in which I would reconcile with him.

It takes a lot for me to be done with someone. I will try to maintain a relationship through all kinds of painful events; however, once I am done - I'm done. I just want this period of my life behind me so that I can move on free of the shackles.

So, having said that...Has anyone ever gotten a D in MD? Any tips on timeframe, pitfalls, etc?

Any advice is more than welcome.

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I don't have any advice for you but I wanted to say hi. I just decided this weekend too. I can't imagine a scenario where I would feel that a reconcilliation would happen. I was really relieved and happy at first and today I felt sad. I cried a lot today, not over losing him to the OW but more over the death of a dream of having us together. I came to a real ah-ha moment today though. This is the beginning of the dream of finding someone to have a truly good marriage to show my children how it should be. I like to focus on the positive and that's the thought I need to hold onto now. This is what is best for my children and I need to find the joy in that. I'm with you, I want this period in my life to be over and to be free to move on without his judgement and constant criticism.

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Forgiveness,

I hope that you are in a place where you can move on without anger, hate, or remorse. It literally took me years to get here. (Note the date I registered.) It wasn't a momentous epiphany for me, but more of a gradual process. I think I was done before I was willing to admit it, simply because I'm not a quitter.

Having said that, I'm very glad you took the time to say, "Hi," to me and wish you the best during this time.

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I am very disgusted with WH actions but no I don't hate him. I don't think I will have any remorse because I have been very unhappy for years.
I have actually considered a divorce off and on for about 10 of our last 22 years but I held on through a bad situation thinking a divorce would be awful for my children. I am also a SAHM and I knew if we divorced, I would have to return to work. So when they were little I really stayed for that reason-I did still love him and want to make him happy.
I realize that I will always love him because we shared 22 years together but that isn't enough when he constantly tells me what a piece of worthless carp I am because I don't work and all the other abuse that comes out of his mouth. He refuses to admit he has any problem or contributed at all to our marriage problems.
He has steadfastly refused to prove he has no contact with OW and shows no remorse and states no desire to work on our marriage. We are in counseling simply because he doesn't want me to tell our children the truth about what he has done. I've repeatedly told him that I won't lie for him. If I lie to my children then they learn not to trust either one of us....and I can't let that happen.
I've been 8 months with no affection, emotional or physical connection, and 22 years with verbal abuse. I look at the affair as simply more abuse in a more intense fashion.....I'm done and I want to start the next phase in my life.

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How old are your children now?

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Takola, here's website for you:

http://www.divorcesupport.com/divorce/Maryland-Divorce-Laws-564.html

you should be able to find out what you need to know. I am in georgia and the laws are a little different.

i would suggest this for general advice
1) get a really good lawyer
2) give the really good lawyer the most money you can. it is amazing how good lawyers work with a healthy retainer.
3) do whatever the lawyer tells you to do.
4) take the high road. pride takes like crap. but swallowing it over and over again will bear fruit later in the divorce.
5) get a support system - family, friends, therapist, church, whatever. make sure the people around you believe in you and can help you with the heavy emotional lifting you are about to go through.

good luck.


I wish I could say something classy and inspirational, but that just wouldn't be (my) style.
Pain heals. Chicks dig scars. Glory... lasts forever.
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Takola, I'm just finishing up a divorce in MD. In MD you have two stages of divorce, limited divorce (similar to other states' legal separation) and absolute divorce. For a quick absolute divorce, you need to prove certain conditions, such as abuse, adultery, etc. Otherwise, you must go through the limited divorce first. If both of you agree to the separation, the limited divorce duration is one year. If it is not agreed upon, then the duration is two years. At no time during that time period may the two of you "cohabitate," meaning sleep under the same roof. You also cannot have sex with each other or the clock resets. But also keep in mind that in the eyes of the state you're still really married and you technically may not have sex with anyone else, either. That would be adultery and the other spouse could then file for an absolute divorce on those grounds. Ain't Maryland grand?

I'd be happy to go into more detail and share some of my experiences with you that might help you make informed decisions. Depending on your location in MD I may even be able to recommend an attorney. Feel free to email me at
gonean91@yahoo.com if you want to discuss further.


and I knew then that I would have to live, and go on living: what a sorrow it was; and still what sorrow burns but does not destroy my heart --Jane Kenyon
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Takola
My children are 14 and 11.5. They know we are having problems and are considering a divorce but they do not specifically know what the problem is. I can't see any way or reason to lie to them about the cause. WH had the affair, refused to end it, and I offered repeatedly to work it out and try to stay together. He continued contact and showed no remorse or desire to stay together.

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At no time during that time period may the two of you "cohabitate," meaning sleep under the same roof. You also cannot have sex with each other or the clock resets.

The very thought makes me ill.

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The very thought makes me ill.

I'm getting to that point myself! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />


I am the BW,
He is the FWH
D-Day: 12/02/03

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God bless you. Sorry for your pain. This too shall pass. His loss.


me:37 BS; s:7; xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
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Takola, I got your email and will respond either this evening or tomorrow. I've been very busy the last several days and haven't had time to get an email out. Thanks for your understanding.

Mike


and I knew then that I would have to live, and go on living: what a sorrow it was; and still what sorrow burns but does not destroy my heart --Jane Kenyon
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Sorry for your pain. This too shall pass. His loss.

That's the funny thing. I always assumed this would be very, very painful. It isn't. It isn't joyous, and it isn't heart-wrenching. It just is.

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Tak, I know you've used the concepts and did all you could to avoid this situation. That is perhaps why you are at peace with it.
About painful, I learned that everyone mourns, some mourn during the marriage, others after D day or even longer after. It could be you did mourn during the M.
Good Luck to you, your future awaits.


It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
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I'm getting to that point myself!
I was to that point so long ago...can we say "duty sex"??

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Me too. H and I had "the talk" tonight. I am desolate, crushed, and lonelier (if that's even possible, haha) than during the past several years. We're going to sell our house, split the proceeds, and do a no-fault divorce to conclude our business by the end of summer. We haven't decided yet when to tell our 16-year-old. I feel like I'm going to explode with grief right now... trying to stay strong and look for the silver lining...


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{{{{wendymg}}}} Sorry for your pain. In your post you said "Me too", but I'm not sure what you mean. Tak seems to have a lot more peace with her decision than you do. Could you post more about your story? Maybe on a separate thread where others would see it?


FBS, D'day 12/00 * NC since 5/02 * divorce final 5/06 * property settlement 9/06 What you can do or think you can do, begin it. For boldness has Magic, Power, and Genius in it. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
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Tak, I apologize, I wasn't trying to hijack your thread (oopsie). I was actually inspired by your solidity in your decision and the resolve that comes through in your posts... all the best!


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Wendy, I'm sorry for the misunderstanding. You sounded like you need more support and I thought people might not see your post on this thread. I surely don't speak for Tak!

I agree, I admire Tak's resolve. Sometimes you just do all you can do and realize that any more is just running your head into the same brick wall. There's nothing left to do, but pick yourself up and move on. It sounds like you've reached that point yourself.

In Al-Anon I've heard a saying that forgiveness is giving up the hope of having a better past. It took me a long time to give up the resentment that my WH had forever taken away my dream of having a "happily ever after" marriage.


FBS, D'day 12/00 * NC since 5/02 * divorce final 5/06 * property settlement 9/06 What you can do or think you can do, begin it. For boldness has Magic, Power, and Genius in it. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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