This marks the beginning of the beginning for saving my family, my WW, and myself. I'm committed to doing it with God in control. I am taking a stand for my marriage, for the truth, and for myself, and I am committed to seeing this through for the sake of my 2-year-old daughter and an unbroken family. Here's my story:

I found out about two weeks ago that my WW had been having a EA/PA with the OM she met about a month ago. She has been alone for most of the last year due to my role as a company commander preparing for and deploying to Iraq. I have been trying to keep in touch with her as much as I can, calling about once a day. She's been trying to keep busy with her career and her pursuit of her dream of becoming a singer and songwriter, which I've financially supported, but not been enthusiastically behind her on. She is displaying a lot of the apathy about our marriage covenant, about what she is teaching our daughter, about how she may be hurting me, and about the fact that I cannot do anything about her actions while in Iraq. She chose to admit her actions to me, but she is still covering it up and I believe she spent last night with the OM. I have already discussed neglect for our DD and am trying to reiterate the need to protect her throughout this process. She seems disconnected.

So far I've spent a lot of my time trying to figure out what my WW is spending hers on, calling her consistently, praying and seeking God, trying to find out who the OM is and what he does, formulating a plan as best I know how, sending notes and gifts to demonstrate my love for her, and reiterating her responsibility for the choices she is making for us. She said that she wanted to begin working full time to support herself and I called her on it and told her she should begin paying for the cell phone she's been using the crap out of to talk to the OM and gossip with a friend of hers in Kansas. I'm contemplating closing the joint credit card and letting her choose how to spend her money, while still transferring enough to take care of the DD and keep the house they're still both in.

I'm headed home for leave in July and I want to set the conditions now and make sure that do whatever I can now to hasten the end of this relationship. I have determined the identity of the OM, I have a phone number for him and another for his business partner (love the internet). He is supposedly divorced with custody of his two children and a self-employed contractor who sets his own hours... Need some help with the next steps to take. I don't want a divorce and I don't want to succumb to the 358% increases in divorce amongst Army officers in the last 5 years...

Thanks in advance for your responses...

--------------------
sbmmal

BH 29 (Me)
WW 29
M: 07-20-2001; DD Age 2
EA/PA: 5/06 - Present
D-Day: 6-3-06
Deployed Since 11/05, Leave Due in 07/05
Home Forever and Out of Army 10/06...
Praying for Us and Seeking God Feverishly!!!

It's harder to Plan A from afar, but you can still show your stellar qualities as a loving, caring husband.

I think that emphasizing the need for responsibility toward your daughter is very good. It injects a much needed bit of reality into the fun fantasy of Affairland.

From your description, it sounds like you mostly need to keep on as you have been, and once you get home you will be able to take a much more active role in this. What you are doing now will put you in a good position to finish Plan A/go to Plan B once you return.

It doesn't sound like you have been, but don't bother discussing your relationship much. Just gently insert your own viewpoint if she says something you don't agree with.

WW: I want a divorce.
You: I don't believe divorce is the answer. What is best, is for us to work on our marriage.

WW: I never loved you. (or) I love you, but I'm not in love with you.
You: Remember the time we [insert happy memory]? I miss times like that, but I know we can be happy again, once you end your affair with Mr. Nogood.

Just keep redirecting fog into truth, but in a way it almost seems as if you are agreeing with her. You can read Orchid's Reverse Babble Thread for some great ideas.

Keep hanging out here, keep your strength up, and keep on praying. You can do this.

I don't have a lot of great advice for you but I did want to respond to you.

At times in my life I say why me? What did I do to deserve this and I feel a little sorry for myself. Then I read something like you wrote and I realize in some ways that I have got it pretty good!

It is people like you that make this country great. You put your life on the line to fight for the freedom everyone in this country takes for granted. You sacrafice so much and at such a high cost by having to leave your home and family and then you have to worry about your life.

I want to thank you personaly for your service to our country. I also want to tell you that there are a lot of people that have had the same problem that you have. A person I know got back from Iraq after a year and divorced. His wife had an affair. They had not been married long and no kids so he was lucky. He is now dating and he is very happy. It takes a while to recover from this.

You must break up the affair. To do this you must expose the affair to everyone and anyone. It is hard to do a lot when you are not at home but I would not enable the affair at all. I would certainly not pay for her affair in any way shape or form. Read up on plan A and there are others on this site that can give you better advice than I can.

Again, God Bless you and keep you safe. It is a shame that your wife is not being faithful to a true "Patriot" and instead is seeking out attention with a slimeball that is not fit to be mentioned in the same breath with you.

What do you know about the OM? Is he also military?

Welcome. First I would like to say thanks for your service in defending our way of life. Please tell your comrades that we support them and are grateful for their many sacrifices.

I suggest you secure your finances first. These wayward spouses can do some crazy things.

Have you exposed the affair to anyone?

My friend, I know what you feel right now, I was once on the same boat. Hold on, you started on the right move, keep on researching about the OM. Don't do anything that will jeopardize your future, consolidate your forces/resourses, start saving money, take care of your health especially. All your actions must be calculated, being in this forum is a great help, keep on reading! God is on your side. A long way to go, preserve your strength.

Do you have anyone here who can help in the meantime? Family, friends, her family ... Anyone who could put some pressure on the affair, and how she's taking care of DD, etc?

You said most of your time is spent trying to find out what she's doing -- is there anyone close enough to keep an eye on her for you? I hate to think that you'd have to be so distracted by wondering about her wherabouts in the dangerous situations you must face over there.

Any chance you can get emergency leave, and/or a hardship discharge/separation (it's been over 8 years for me, so I can't recall of the top of my head the requirements for those)? I see you're due to separate 10/06, but that's a long way away considering the problems you're having at home.

Is your chain of command aware of your situation? Your unit or base Chaplain could be a great place to start.

As others have said, engage family and friends to help - if for nothing more than to ensure your DD is protected and taken care of. Expose to those who don't know and might be able to bring positive pressure on your wife.

You might also want to seek out Mortarman (though he's got a very full plate right now). He's a solid Christian and former Army.

Finally, listen to the advice you get here - there are a lot of people who have been where you are and understand what you're going through.

And with God for you, I wouldn't get caught up worrying about statistics <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

not_so_you_neak,

Thanks for your support and response.

Love the reverse babble, but it is very difficult without the ability to interpret body language to figure out when she's being sincere. How much should I assume she's lying?

sbmmal

ihadenough

I'm working on the exposure plan and what to say to whom. I've already left a warning voice mail on OM's cell phone. Coward never answers the phone - must have something to hide... Planning on threatening to use the PA system in every home improvement warehouse store to call OM and his business out publicly. That should really piss off his business partner who is married - I think.

I don't want to go too broad for her sake, which is probably stupid.

Here's the list:
OM's Business Partner
WW's Maid of Honor/BF
WW's Business Partners
Our Mutual Friends (Couples) from Church
Our Mutual Friends (Couple) from her former Work
Next Door Neighbors (Married Couple)

sbmmal

Longhorn -

Thanks for your support.

I'm still researching to see if either he or his business partners are former military. Nevertheless, I'm sure that due to their proximity to multiple military bases their contracting business is supported by military folks who would be none too happy to find out about OM and his PA with a military wife. Should I use one of those PI services to find out more about OM? Which are recommended? Are you aware of any way to get local phone records for a home phone from the phone company or is recording the only way to do it?

sbmmal

Believer -

I'm putting extra protection on the finances and seeing more of a need to do so sooner than later. We just got done spending $2500 on her pursuit of her singing/songwriting career and I'm running a bit lean on the credit cards of late. May tell her to start using her own, put up another boundary like I did on her cell phone, and pull my name off that joint account without her knowing it.

sbmmal

noble1992 - Thanks for your sentiments and encouragement. I’m seeking God for strength and guidance hourly.

1 Corinthians 13:8 - Love never fails.

sbmmal

How do you know how much she's lying? It's the old saying, if her lips are moving...

It sounds flippant, but it's really not. One of the peculiarities of the WS is that they will not tell the truth if a lie will do. Even if the truth would have served them better. She will rarely, if at all, tell you the truth, so it's best to just assume she's lying and let it slide off your back.

Reverse babble still works whether she is lying or being sincere.

I would vote against the PA system - you were being facetious, right? Other than that, all the people you have mentioned are good candidates. Call those you are close enough to, to feel comfortable discussing it with them in person, and send letters to all the rest. OM's business partner should get a letter, just to keep a formal record of it for you. You are right, he will not be happy from the negative publicity.

Keep your eye on the goal, and understand that the chances are best that it will ultimately be you, and not your WW, who ends up deciding the fate of the marriage. Let that comfort you now, while she seems to be holding all the cards. It won't always be that way. Everything you do now is laying the groundwork for when you take back firm control of your life and everything in it, via Plan B.

If your name is on the phone bill, you should be able to get a copy of it. If not, try to create an online account with whichever company provides the service. Ditto with her cell phone. If there is already an account, it couldn't hurt to try getting in with her usual user names and passwords.

AmiWalsh -

Thanks for your support. It looks like you and your FWH are in R - congrats on making it work.

I'm going to contact one of my best friends from church who live nearby and have him and his wife check up on them. I told my WW that she may be neglecting our DD and I think that is sinking in. I'm also trying to get the phone numbers of our neighbors so they can let me know what's really going on.

sbmmal

brokenbird -

Emergency leave and a hardship separation is not an option for a company commander. I've had other soldiers who are faced with similar circumstances and I have been unable to get them all out of country. Leave is now coming and will be in God's perfect timing. Thanks for the verse as well.

sbmmal

ALL,

Thanks to all for your support. Here's an update on the situation:

I'm trying to develop the "right" exposure contact list for both WW and OM and to figure out whether her claims that "it's over" have any legitimacy. I was on the phone with WW yesterday and she said she wanted me to only call once a day since it was too intense. I offered e-mail as an alternative. She e-mailed me yesterday very late in the evening back home. I don't expect her to keep up on the e-mails and I think it will be an indicator. In it she said:

"I think that e-mail works well because it allows me to express myself without feeling pressured into "making a decision."" Cake eating statement if I've ever seen one.

"I feel horrible for ever hurting you and it is not my intention to continue to do so. It has been really difficult to hear your heart lately. This is due in part to a lack of trust based on past experiences and a desire to be allowed the freedom to make my own choices. If I were to decide to give our marriage a chance I would want it to be because I chose to do so not because I felt guilty enough to stay. I think that you probably feel the same way."

I spent some of my time looking over recent e-mails before the EA/PA began. We were making significant progress and getting closer, but the sky crashed down when I had to break the news to her that I might not be able to come home on leave. We had been planning a trip to Europe initially, then scaled that back, and then there suddenly weren't enough slots to get out of Iraq. The problem has since been remedied, and I'm able to get out in less than a month for leave. I’m still trying to set the conditions for her to move from active A to aggressive R before I come home. Is it naive to think that I can get her unplugged without being there? We don't have any family out in WA, and she's got a whole new pack of friends since she left our church and went to a new one. Our old friends are on the exposure list and I will call one of them in the morning to see if they'll swing by the house and pick her up for church since she already said she'd be going back.

I have been trying to remind her that she has all the free-will that she wants to exercise, but that she still has to be responsible about the choices she makes that impact our family. It is a hard balance to strike, since I get the feeling that she's not being altogether honest with me. The finances are beginning to be a concern - she booked a timeshare in Vegas without consulting me yesterday and I'm not sure it was for me, although she said it was. She claimed that she thought it would be good for us to be more "spontaneous" and drop everything for a trip to LV.

Responsibility is sinking in a bit though. She's finally working on her business and trying to get money from deadbeat clients who haven't paid. I asked her whether her sudden drive to go full-time was a result of her wanting to see if she could do it on her own. She said yes and I applauded her initiative (reverse babble) and said that I've always hoped that she could let me be a stay at home dad. Her one desire used to be and probably still is (outside the fog) to be the best mother she could be and not need to use daycare for our DD. She's a marriage and family therapist of all things.

I'll let you know how things are going. She, the DD, and the cat are all sick. Tonight's call was weird at the end once I shifted to talking to her about the realities of our finances. She immediately wanted to get off the phone and my initial suspicion was that there was another call coming in, but I couldn't discern the call-waiting with the crappy connection. I told her I wanted to pray with her and she almost kept insisting to get off... We were able to pray, but I could tell she wasn't really into it. She also forgot about father's day for me... A real kick in the nuts, but an indicator that she is still wandering in the fog.

I'm going to write her an e-mail to encourage the plan for us to go to Las Vegas together now that she's made the arrangements. More reverse babble, but also an opportunity to seize on the truth and keep myself in the fight.

I was being facetious about the PA system at the home stores, but I think about that with a smile and I even developed a PG version of the script as a bit of comic relief for myself after an evening of praying, worshipping, reading other stories of Plan A successes, balling, and re-focusing.

I can't lose focus on my marriage or my troops and the responsibilities I have to both are immense. However, right now, my marriage and family is coming first and my guys are going forward into the wilderness with God's grace.

1 Corinthians 13:8 - Love never fails.

My friend, I would like to remind you again that you must keep your cool evrytime you talk to your wayward wife, in no case you threathen her, you are giving her ammunitions against you. In my case, WW filed a case against me with the assistance and support of the OM. Remember, at this period, assume that OM knew already that you discovered the adulterous relationship. Expect the worst, they will file a case against you, that is if they have the evidence, they will do anything that will protect themselves. Do not telegraph your punches. This is the period of gathering information and building up your intelligence. Remember Sun Tzu, know yourself first, know your limitations, up to what height you can manage your anger. I know it will be difficult to control your anger, especially to people like us who are exposed in combat. Take it from me, I told myself before, that I can control my emotions. But it proved me wrong, I went way beyond, threathen all those that I can threat, the result- case was filed against me. It took time for me to recover, I was the one investigated not the OM, I was the one placed in hot water and labeled as a wife abuser, etc. etc. But God is just, many Christian brothers came to my defense and help me recover my composure. They helped me a lot, they ensure that all my actions are checked, they even proposed decisions and did things for me. I wish I can share all my thoughts to you. This forum is not enough, how I wish I can share to you my experience... for me the this is the greatest battle I ever fought. It is almost 2 years now since DDay and I still fighthing, I am still in Plan B, still recuperating from the wounds I got when I was ambushed by the terrorist world of ADULTERY!!! Now, I take control, WW wife wants to come back but no way, she has to convince with overwhelming evidence...

Did you already tell her you got leave? Sounds like you did, but if you didn't, don't. Is there any way that your arrival home could precede when she thought you would be there, by a couple of days?

Anything is possible, and a lot depends on what stage her A is in now, but it is most likely that you will be fighting this still when you go on leave, and just as possibly, when you return. Prepare for the worst, just in case. I know you would prefer to have it wrapped up quickly in a neat little package, but even the shorter A's are generally longer and messier than that. This is truly a war, not just a short set of skirmishes.

You may have to allow for more time, just because you are doing this long distance, but time is on your side. Nearly all affairs end eventually - statistics are on your side in that one - and you are setting up in the best possible way for a recovery after that happens.

noble,

So far so good on keeping it cool. I'm doing what I can to use brains instead of brawns and keep this fight at the strategic level. No one needs to be bothered by the bloodshed and tears that way. Just one objective at a time to win this strategic war. I think her comment about it being "intense" for her is because she's trying to juggle so many relationships at once and because I'm so overt with the "I am committed to loving you, but I feel like you are disrespecting our family, the marriage covenant, and neglecting DD..." statements or discussions about the financial situation and the support I have provided her to pursue her dreams. As a company commander, I've learned from the mistakes of my soldiers where my rights end and someone else's face begins and that threats of the use of physical force will serve no strategic interest here...

I appreciate your advice and I've already taken precautions since my wife is so quick to use the "verbal abuse" card at the most insignificant argument or change in tone. I think that's why she told me, she expected me to explode, as we have some history in the issue of infidelity and the wrong responses from during our engagement and a previous year in Korea, and I explained to her how much it would destroy me if it happened again while I was here and that it would be over... She has admitted that she "wanted me to pull the trigger" in her fog and keep her from getting messy... I praise God for my composure and for being able to keep my eyes on the bigger picture.

1 Corinthians 13:8 - Love never fails.

sbmmal