"Cat fight"? Hissing and spitting?

Again, I am merely expressing my opinion, as it is my right to do. Your use of these terms under these particular circumstances speaks volumes about your mentality with regard to differences of opinion.

I based my perception upon the tale provided by your daughter and her commentary here in this thread.

Did you really think that NO ONE would read THAT sordid tale and NOT ask certain questions?


As for "failure" -that's your word, not mine. My statement was quite specific: A year post-yuck does not a "successful marriage" make.

Again, my stance is that sometimes it is indeed better to part ways. If this brings your blood to a boil, then you have a serious problem.

BTW-Your daughter seems to think she has "passed" her HIV testing. Apparently she is unaware if the incubation period for this virus...

What is it with you CinnamonSugar?Good grief, get off the STD hobby horse already! If NSYN was exposed, she was exposed. By the time she found out, it was too late. She passed the tests, and just refuses to borrow trouble from tomorrow. If it happens down the road, it was still already too late when NSYN found out.

Sheesh.

Why are you beating this horse?

Are you an OW/OM CS??

ALL,

Okay. God is in control. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" /> He has a plan and instructions will be revealed on a need-to-know basis. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> God is still in control and if I seek first his kingdom and righteousness, all these things will be given unto me. God is in control. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Called home tonight. Nobody answered, so I called MIL's cell phone. She answered and was reluctant to talk to me. She said I knew you were an abusive husband because of your controlling behavior and she said that I needed to leave my WW alone. No contact via phone henceforth by request of WW. I told her I was thankful that she was there and it was reassuring that DD was in good hands. She said she was angry that my dad had sent help cards to her side of the family. I told her I had no control over how my family was reacting to the possible destruction of my family and out of concern for their firstborn son. I reiterated that I was committed to doing whatever was neccessary to reconcile my wife and give my life over to God - completely. She wondered how I knew she was there and I told her I had heard her voice on the phone when I called two nights back. She didn't believe me. I finished the conversation by saying that I loved my wife and daughter, that I was thankful for the opportunity to re-prioritize my life, and that I would do anything to reconcile with my wife. She asked to include "backing off" and I said, "Yes, to include backing off." I was cordial and thanked her for talking to me and for being there for WW and DD. A lot of bile and vitriol in her voice with a much different perception of reality than mine... Should be expected, as nobody can see the changes I've made but God and my troops.

A word or two on the history of MIL and FIL and WW for context. MIL divorced FIL when WW was about DD's age. FIL was accused of being controlling and abusive and I believe an adulterer, most of which was likely true. FIL is an adopted child and has carried that resentment with him for life. WW still has issues surrounding her relationship with FIL and control is a big part of that. He used to buy her love - which is why the money thing was such a big deal and potentially a huge tactical error. MIL married another man whom she is still married to today, but has never really recovered from depression or scars of the past with FIL. I believe there is a hyper-awareness of controlling behavior there that I didn't realize existed until now. I mentioned WW's relationship with FIL to MIL and she got angry and said it had nothing to do with it. I responded by saying that it was a vulnerability I should've tried harder to understand and prevent myself from similar behaviors that would exacerbate that pain.

As for me and where my controlling behavior and independence came from - it's my mom's influences from when my parents divorced and my mom did the same things. It is my choice to change it and outgrow these things. When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me. (1 Corinthians 13:11) It is time to stop being a hurt and scared kid and grow up in the Lord with the knowledge that he is in control and if I submit to his will for my life, he will lead me to life in abundance.

WW is making arrangements to take control of her own life and become independent of me. I don't know if the A is still ongoing or what she plans on doing. I don't know where her heart is, but I do know that she is still desperate for financial support without success in her career right now. I am praying for wisdom in the next steps and how far I should go with the financial support, given her past and the present issues making it appear that I am trying to control her with the money. This will be a trying two weeks until I am home, but I cannot reconcile with a wife who will not communicate with me.

I am making arrangements to begin extensive IC from here and continuing it through my time at home on leave. I think it is an important step, since WW asked me to do it prior to deployment and I failed to yield to her...

I want to reconcile myself to God as Jesus reconciled me with Himself... I was reading last night and found an encouraging verse on reconciliation in 2 Corinthians 5:18-19: "All this is from God, who reconciled us to himself through Christ and gave us the ministry of reconciliation: that God was reconciling the world to himself in Christ, not counting men's sins against them. And he has committed to us the message of reconciliation." I think God wants us to understand what he has done for us by placing similar circumstances in our lives that we can recognize the sacrifice he has made in reconciling our sinfulness with his love. I am honored to be in that position and I want to achieve this greater understanding.

I also found another verse that connect's my WW's prophetic statement that God revealed to her that she is like the Israelites. From Hosea 3:1-3: "Go show your love to your wife again, though she is loved by another and is an adulteress. Love her as the Lord loves the Israelites, though they turn to other gods and love the sacred rasin cakes. So I bought her for 15 shekels of silver and about a homer and a lethek of barley. Then I told her, 'You are to live with me many days; you must not be a prostitute or be intimate with any man, and I will live with you.'" I don't know what the sacred rasin cakes <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> are or how much a shekel <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" /> of silver is, but I can see the significance of letting her go on her own path and then seeking reconciliation on God's terms in the future...

One last verse that I found encouraging was from Hosea 2:7: "She will chase after her lovers but not catch them; she will look for them but not find them. Then she will say, 'I will go back to my husband as at first, for then I was better of than now.'" A ministry of reconciliation indeed! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

We have an awesome and mysterious God that reveals himself in extraordinarily personal ways. We are all truly blessed.

NSYN - Thanks. OM1 is divorced with two kids and OM2 I think is also divorced with a child. Have begun limited consideration of recovery plan, but feel led to focus on IC and knowing God for now. I agree that MIL being there is good from perspective of A, but not sure how much of her own experience will be projected onto WW. Sorry for the long post.

sbmmal

Another day, another challenge. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Too bad your MIL is not going to support you in this, but not entirely unexpected.

Your IC will be a much better barometer than your MIL of how much your behavior needs to change. Since MIL apparently is going to believe anything your WW tells her, just treat her with the same polite detatchment. Of course you will still be calling to speak with your daughter.

Keep emailing, even if there is no response, really light, no pressure. Last I checked, your MIL did not control the portal to the internet.

As your MIL sees you being polite and respectful, even when others do not extend you the same courtesy, maybe she will think twice about what she is hearing from her daughter. Then again, maybe she won't, but you tried. God will help you to be kind to them, even though it's now twice the irritation for the same low price.

If the mountain will not move, Mohammed must go around it. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I've got all 6 grandkids this morning, so my thoughtful time is somewhat limited, but just as the Bible teaches that "while we were yet sinners, Christ died for us," we don't have to wait for somebody else before we enter into a ministry reconciliation towards them. If we did, we'd never be able to get started at all. In her mind, you are most likely the enemy, at least to a certain degree. That's her angle. Through grace, it doesn't have to be yours. I'm glad to see that you're finding guidance and confirmation for this approach in the Scripture you're reading.

t&l

hi sbmmal

My H and I have gone through a number of deployments the last one some weeks ago where nothing happen thank goodness,he gets to go all over at a moments notice. what fun ... not.

Our story in brief is that our little boy died of a freak infection while he was deployed. I guess I blamed him for not being there, he blamed me that sort of thing. I actually hated him & wanted to kill my M and go to my little boy, nothing else mattered, not me, not him, not the other kids I guess I was very deep in depression and self destruction. So I had an affair which seemed ok to the person I was then while he was away, and then realised what I was doing & like your wife I ended it before he got back but the damage was done to us both.
Been a long road back together and not easy at times but it was worth it and we are happy. I'm very lucky to have a wonderful forgiving man.

If there is some way our experiences can help pls just ask.

I have read your posts and have some thoughts to offer, I'll think on them and post a bit later during the weekend though if you wish to ask something before pls do.

all the best

AW

Your post clearly demonstrates why I need to keep talking about HIV testing.

The incubation period is 5 YEARS; She had "passed" nothing.

And, no-I am not an OW / OM CS. I was someone who was drawn to the thread because the thread's originator is military & so are my husband and I.

SB-I hope you do not mind honesty because here it comes:

Why are these people treating you as if you are an abuser and blatantly calling you an "abuser?" Why is your wife so eager to become independent of you?

You said you are giving your life to God and "making a change." What exactly are you changing?

You admitted you were "controlling"-How did you maintain control over your wife? To the point: What exactly were you doing before that was so wrong?

Note: If you are an abuser, calling on God will not convince your wife or her family members that you will not abuse her again because:
1) Recidivism rates for domestic abuse are quite high
and
2) Many abusers claim to "find God" and swear they will change if only their victim would forgive them and return. ie-It's a common and well-known tactic, so while you may be truly sincere, it may seem contrived to an outside observer.

Also, many Christians believe that a wife should defer to her husband. The reasoning is that the man is "the head." This is another reason why "finding Christ" seldom helps abusers (and many victims advocates inform victims of this fact.) Abusers want control and the Church basically co-signs that concept. Many abusers and controlling husbands even use the bible to reinforce their position...

LOOK CinnamonSugar(uh huh, as if)...

You are NOT helping...Gunning for one member in particular is quite telling about just who/what you are and exactly what your agenda is here...<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

This man is being advised by wonderful people doing a great job helping him to apply MB principles towards the goal of recovering his marriage...WHICH IS WHY HE IS HERE-TO LEARN THE MARRIAGE BUILDERS PROGRAM...You are new to this forum and it is crystal clear that you do not understand the tenets of this program...

Do you have a website for helping people recover from infidelity with a proven sucessful track record? If so, perhaps you can share the URL, and should anyone feel that they would like to learn and apply your methods then they are free to do so...I feel sure that is not the case here...

Again, I ask you, did you read the sign on the door??? It says...

MARRIAGE BUILDERS!!!

Now, if you have a further axe to grind, BigKahuna has started a thread just for you...Here is the link...WE WILL ALL BE MORE THAN GLAD TO RESPOND TO YOU THERE...(*said the spider to the fly*)...THINK YOU'RE UP TO THE CHALLENGE SNOTTY SPICE??? Not responding will speak VOLUMES about you, btw...

Mrs. W

OKAY...

Do not judge, or you too will be judged. For in the same way you judge others, you will be judged, and with the measure you use, it will be measured to you. Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother's eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye? How can you say to your brother, 'Let me take the speck out of your eye,' when all the time there is a plank in your own eye? You hypocrite, first take the plank out of your own eye, and then you will see clearly to remove the speck from your brother's eye. Matthew 7:1-5

When they kept on questioning him, he straightened up and siad to them, "If any one of you is without sin, let him be the first to throw a stone at her." John 8:7

If we claim to be without sin, we deceive ourselves and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, he is faithful and just and will forgive us our sins and purify us from all unrighteousness. If we claim we have not sinned, we make him out to be a liar and his word has no place in our lives. 1 John 1:8-10

Can't we all just get along? We really need to put the rocks down, have a seat, confess our sins, and grab a pair of pliers to remove the planks from our own eyes before applying tweezers to remove the speck of sawdust in eyes of our brothers and sisters.

CS - Your judgements as an outside observer are valid and true in this world. However, I will defer to the judgement passed by my Father in heaven and I am standing on the verses above to ensure I don't commit the same felonies against my wife. I am only changing one thing to fix this mess, but it is a fundamental change - ceding control of my own life to God, which has been necessary from the beginning but I have failed to do until now. This process has been instrumental in helping me recognize the symptoms of a fear-based control in my closest relationships. I have been overly critical, kept people at a safe distance by not revealing my true self, not shared my feelings with people who wanted to know me deeply when I should've, and gotten overly defensive when called out for having the wrong priorities in my life and my family and KNEW I was wrong, but was too prideful to listen. These are my crimes. I am having the surgery to remove the planks from my eyes right now in the middle of this storm and my one true God, not some hypocritical facade of one, is my surgeon. I trust him implicitly to make his blessings come to pass in my life. Thank you for your concerns.

I read Love Must Be Tough last night, nearly cover to cover. I drafted a "Tough Love" letter and feel like that may be the next critical way to make her think differently about the A and its impact on our family. I'll post my final draft for review when I finish it. I really need your prayers NOW for wisdom and discernment in this darkness...

sbmmal

Aussieswife,

Please be the first to chime in and respond to your reaction to the final draft of my Tough Love letter.

___________________________________________________________
WW, 1 July 2006

It is a bizarre thing, how a person can get so close to a problem that he can lose perspective on it altogether. It becomes too difficult to see the issues clearly and to evaluate the possible remedies in context with the larger world around us. WW, over the last month, I have been dragged unwillingly and unwittingly into the chaos of your unfaithfulness and have tried desperately to ascertain the roots of the adultery that you committed. Simultaneously, I began fighting a spiritual battle to protect the things I most cherish in this world, you and our delightful child, while hastening my own efforts to develop into the mature Godly man that I was sent to Iraq to become. Along the way I have attempted to expose and slay the beast of infidelity as the enemy to our chances for an abundant life together. I did this by inviting other believers, our family and our friends, to hold us accountable for our commitments, our actions, and our failures, while simultaneously lifting us up toward the divine standard we've aspired to achieve.

Despite my most valiant efforts, the infidelity in your heart continues and you, the woman I love more than anyone else in this world, consistently deceive me, constantly ignore me, spit venom in my face, and fabricate lies to justify your behavior, despite the eternal consequences it will have on you and our beloved daughter. In the past few days, God has helped me gain some perspective on your infidelity and on all aspects of our marriage relationship within the context of His word and this incredible journey we are each invited to go on with Him. When I have immersed myself in the problem, I have found myself tolerating it, co-opting it, and appeasing it in an effort to protect you. What God has called me to do is to step back and see myself in the storm, understanding His will for my life, and to stand for my marriage without hesitation or regret.

I can assure you that my tolerance for this kind of turmoil in my life or in the life of my daughter has reached a terminal threshold. If you want to leave, you are certainly free to do so. I will not stop you. In fact, doing so could be for the best for all of us. I doubt that I can ever trust you the same way again or feel the depth of love I once felt for you. I know I certainly wasn’t a perfect husband, but I have never shared intimacy with another woman since we began dating almost ten years ago and I am proud to be able to call you my only lover. You violated that sacred trust – I forgave you too easily in the past and we didn’t seal that sin out of our lives, but you made a promise never to allow that mistake to be repeated. Yet here we are again in the same disrespectful situation. WW, if you cannot choose between OM and me, you are devaluing all of us and I will not stand for that. I’d rather face life alone, with the possibility of losing custody of DD, than to be part of your cruel love triangle. If OM is the one you want, I hope the two of you will be happy together. I’m still not sure how something so wonderful became so dirty and distorted, but that is between you and God. We both have to answer to Him in our own way, and my conscience is clear that I have repented my sins and I’m truly leaving them behind me with His help and that of accountability partners and a Christian counselor.

So where do we go from here, WW? I've been doing some intensive thinking, a lot of diligent learning, and hours of incredible praying, and I believe that the time has come for you to walk away from me. It will not work for you to continue to dishonor the one type of human relationship that can even attempt to emulate God's love for his church. I cannot accept continued demonstrations of how little respect you must have for the commitments you have made to me and to DD as my wife and her mother. You and I were married before God and our family and friends on a magical day where we pledged eternal love and commitment to one another and put past indiscretions behind us for the chance at a new beginning. God was in attendance and he heard us both clearly pledge our love and our lives to one another. Do you remember the butterflies and our conversations about them afterward? Now, you so easily defile our marriage, defy our family, and disrespect the changes you clearly recognized and predicted God was making in my life in favor of another man. Like you have demanded through your mother and what I have come to realize is that we both some time apart. We have that between now and when I return from Iraq from leave and for good. I think you should consider leaving our home, perhaps going to live with OM or your parents if you choose. If in the future you decide you want to be my wife, then the discussion will be reopened. However, I will not make any promises of reconciliation beyond what God promises. I’m doing everything possible to move forward, make positive changes within my life, and remove you from my heart to spare myself any more pain. It’s not going to be easy. You have been my only love – the only one I ever wanted and needed. But that was then and this is now. God bless you, WW. I will miss you.

All I am and will become in Him,
sbmmal
____________________________________________________________

Any comments or modifications would be greatly appreciated, especially with regard to how this aligns or deviates from Plan A and Plan B in Marriage Builders.

Need mountains of prayers NOW for wisdom and discernment.

sbmmal

I'm not Aussies wife but I am an Aussie. I'm not a real Plan B or Dobson letter expert but one comment I think you should consider is saying "I will not share you with another man" or I refuse to be OM's girlfriends husband.

sbmmal

ok the letter first.
Parts good, parts not so good.

well first I think you need to be clear on what you want and how you want things to go.
Your letter is really a Plan B type letter which is saying GO and one day if you want back in maybe we will talk.

Thats ok if thats what you want - might need to work on the letters wording a bit though <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

What about Plan A???

Any Plan 'A' is almost impossible from where you are now. Your first job right now is very simple .... STAY ALIVE and keep your mind on your job. Right now, if thats only for your daughter.
You have done well just to get some people on side & working for you back home.

I do not think your MIL is giving good advice right now. She is emotionally reacting - of course - to her daughter who has most likely lied like a trooper - pardon the pun. I would expect that she has been told you are Atilla the Hun and Genghis Khan all rolled into one and the worst husband since the next betrayed one. !! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
She didn't cheat, YOU made her do it. Hey been there.
Mum has likely bought that hook line & sinker due to her own issues with her first husband, your WW father. She is predisposed to accept YOU are at fault. Therefore her advice as such to separate should be treated with sceptism.
If a professional like Harley advised it and gave reasons as they would, then that at least is part of a 'plan'.
I think you should reconsider this letter right now. But keep it in reserve.

ONCE you are back, you can do a Plan A properly, let her see the changes in YOU. However if she wants to go 'for a while' - this really means to let her go on with her affair without having to feel guilty if she sees you every day - then you cannot stop her.
Thats said, I'm not sure it would be wise to let your daughter go while she is not really holding it all together. I'm not sure if letting your MIL care full time is that great an idea in case things get 'dirty' so to speak.
Perhaps you should take your dd and go visit your parents if they live any distance from you for a while.
But maybe its jumping the gun here talking about a separation right now. Many WW say that but not all actually really want it.

I do think that a lot of the issues here are your ww's and that after the last betrayal no boundaries were set. She did it once before with no consequences so.....? Remember we are dealing with a WW here who has impaired logic and is the centre of the Universe. Thats just the selfish way you think in this state.

Did your WW first meet the OM's in any way to do with her career area she wants?? There may be some basic issues right there.

As far as you limiting her spending, that was a good move though I feel you were being manipulated to reverse it. Right now any extra $$ is only funding her affair.
REMEMBER an affair need not just end due to no physical realtionship continuing. Emotional affairs are as bad if not worse in some cases.

Overall I feel you are doing and have done all you could have from where you are. Perhaps now is the time to avoid talk on separation and if brought up say you do marriage not separation and just leave it at that.

I feel you may be jumping the gun and should reconsider a separation if only because its what she desires and her desires are suspect right now.

Please think on this and if you still want to go down the plan B path then set up all the things you need to do to do a GREAT Plan B.

AW

Just a quick note (for now), I completely agree with AW, that you should wait on Plan B until you have a chance to get in more Plan A. I suspect you were thinking that anyway, and are just trying to get all your ducks in a row - is that correct?

The letter is good, insofar as an expression of your thoughts and feelings, but as a PBL would need considerable trimming. (WS have short attention spans. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)

It would be better to take out most of the parts that deal with her betrayal, at least the way they are worded now. I wouldn't exactly call them DJ's, because every word is true and valid, but more of what you say will get through to her if you approach her in a way that is less attacking (even though she deserves to be attacked).

I know you didn't mean it that way at all, and were just trying to give her enough information to understand your point of view. But rather than just saying you did this, and this, and this, you would say, when you did such-and-such it hurt me terribly.

Just some initial impressions to keep in mind. When I have a chance I will look at it in more depth.

You will have to be careful though - once your PBL is ready, the urge to use it becomes almost overwhelming, and you aren't there yet.

I liked your previous post about judging, BTW. It shows that you understand you cannot control anything about others, and what they say or think. Keep God as your guide, and you will avoid the pitfalls of those who only read the "man is the head of woman" part without really internalizing the "man loving his wife as his own flesh, for no man hates his own flesh, but nourishes it" part.

AND THIS IS WHY I'M SO GLAD I'M HERE...

Aussieswife. Thank you for your advice. So many conflicting ideas about how this works. One thing I got from the Tough Love book was the fact that I've made myself appear needy and desperate with phone call frequency. I'm backing off and letting WW's natural curiosity kick in now. I'm going to see if I can get her to the table via e-mail on a consistent basis.

I recognized that pulling the plan B trigger seemed a little premature since I can't actually see or talk to my WW face to face, nor can I hold her to the plan B with any effectiveness. It was a very good exercise to vent to a letter that could be used in the future. It almost allowed me to separate myself from this insanity mentally and emotionally. I need that before I get home so I can be the best me, with the ability to draw her to me from quiet confidence.


No. They were all friends from where she lived in CA and lived out her rebellion to it's fullest there...

I am reading incessantly and trying to remember what my wife needs. It seems like so long since we got off track when I use 20/20 hindsight and so long that I've been gone... Over 13.5 months as of today. She likely needs the reminder as much as I do.

She sent me a response to a devotional I sent her and in it she said that DD and her were watching the DVDs, so I know my message is getting through and that I am there without being there. Puts less pressure on me to communicate with WW in her state. Hard to know whether we are at the beginning of withdrawal or still in the EA/PA... I am inclined to believe the former if her mom is there, but no way to tell. Will call my battle buddy and gain some perspective. Nevertheless, we are connecting over DD's parenting issues and I know we both have a shared value system here and that she thinks I'm a good dad for DD... This is and must be much of the focus of the early reconciliation and I agree that DD going anywhere from home with WW right now would be bad for DD.

Thanks for your support.

All I am and will become in Him,
sbmmal

NSYN,

Like I said to AW, I was reading the Tough Love book and trying to find a way to execute on that guidance. In some ways I see her trying honestly (not in the context of an A) to live independently and I know I need to respect that desire she has to be able to not rely on me financially, while still calling a spade a spade with regards to the infidelity. I am definitely in the dark without night-vision-devices right now. I will be calling to talk to DD tomorrow AM, as I think 72 hours is sufficient to demonstrate "backing off" without total abandonment/lack of concern for DD...

One of the things that Tough Love book talks about is swift accountability upon discovery, which I think is met with MB by exposure principles. I know that this has/is working as intended, with a domino effect from concerned family calling other concerned family/friends. I didn't let anyone know about WW's issues in CA when we were engaged and I regret that now because she was never openly remorseful and didn't feel the accountability from anyone other than me. Although I know that guilt has followed her into this situation as well.

I was thinking about the submission verse and the full context of husbands and wives responsibilities to one another. It struck me that WW and I are both uncomfortable by the way that MIL's husband talks to her with a demeaning tone. I think that what I said in the judgement post is still an honest assessment of my crimes of fear-based control, but that I am nowhere as bad as MIL may believe I am or even tolerate from her own H. More likely WW has vilified me as indicated by AW above...

Going to make arrangements for IC anyhow, and call MIL's husband to wish him a happy b-day! I love PDAs and God's timing... Thanks for the advice ladies. It is helpful and I will file what is a very rough-draft PBL letter that may never need to be unleashed, but has helped me re-affirm my beliefs and convictions so I don't continue to co-opt this thing if it is continuing...

I feel a lot better for whatever reason. Maybe ignorance is bliss. Maybe CS has left the forums and I can feel "the force" returning to MB. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> Thank God regardless.

YOU GUYS ROCK!!!
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

sbmmal

sbmmal - Your Plan B letter has several disrespectful judgements. I would not send it. It is much too early for Plan B.

Dobson's ideas differ substantially from the MB ideas. Dobson believes that you should tell your spouse that you cannot be their keeper, and let them go.

MB believes in a Plan A first. I suggest you keep reading and posting here. I promise you that whichever way your marriage goes, you will come out a happier and better man.

ALCON,

The PBL is now in my file 13 (recycle bin). It was a necessary step for me to get over that irrational emotion and desperate need to speak from the truth after the MIL interaction. Much better DJs come out here in a post than in my Plan A. So far so good. I understand Dobson is not MB and will stay the course here, while applying dignified distance from time to time to reel WW back in and make her think I'm over it.

I spent the evening reviewing the thread by Mortarman about the Roles of Husbands and Wives. I read the entire thread and neglected sleep for it - very good and thought provoking. I've got some work to do as I continue to realign my world with God's will for it. Fortunately, my Eve also has some work to do too, so I and my "helpmate" will have a great blueprint to work from as we go forward. I was so relieved by the Word of God tonight in MM's message that I found myself laughing aloud in the middle of my dark room at 2:30 AM. Awesome!

NSYN - Finished your story and am truly honored to have you here on my thread. Sorry for your losses but in awe and amazement at what you've gained in this process.

Everything I have learned and everything God has and is teaching me has given me complete peace about the eventual outcome of this trial. I honestly see myself grabbing my place next to Jesus in the boat and catching a nap, despite the storm that suddenly rages around me. This is where I need to be to keep cool and collected throughout the coming weeks...

Thanks to all for the feedback and support.

All I am and will become in Him,
sbmmal

Sounds like you are doing well. As Independence Day approaches, my prayers go out to you and all of the others standing in harm's way.

Were you planning to get out before all of this happened? The reason I'm asking is because I work for the Navy and have seen lots of men get out because their wives insisted, only to get divorced anyway.

Believer,

We were both in agreement about me leaving the military earlier this year before all this mess. I love being in the military but I know that there has been so much time lost to deployments and training... I need to do this to prove the commitment I have made to WW and I feel complete peace about it no matter the outcome...

Thanks for the support of all of us over here. Hoping not to see any rocket's red glare or bombs bursting on my 4th... I'll save that for next year!

Not much new on the homefront so far as I can tell. I called last night and left a positive message on the home phone and mobile phone.

All I am and will become in Him,