maybe something someone else says can help me decide to want to meet an EN i don't like.

truthfully i'm not even sure if this the importance of this EN but i am guessing he would like it...

my DH likes to watch TV, i really hate how much the tv is on so i generally find something else to do. during the school year it was homework. now it is cleaning or if everything is good, sudoku puzzles (done in a different room, i could do it on the couch next to him but i find myself choosing to go in our room instead, because it is more comfortable there... at least that is what i tell myself)

i don't like how much my DS watches tv. i think it is bad for him. but that is what he and dad does together.

even when i do watch tv, i don't like the majority of the programming out there and that it's hard to not say so.

today i have been forced to look at my lack of desire to meet an EN of my DH. and it has lead me to look at an even more general thought.

because of my reaction to the tv thing, i'm now left wanting to look at myself a bit harder. because i'm not really so sure i really care about meeting DH's ENs anymore.

i'm worried i'm going downhill and i want to address it. why would i not be wanting to meet any of my DH's ENs?

thoughts?

FL,

Have you considered that your H may NOT like to watch TV so much as it is his way of decompressing and turning off his mind? Does he have favorite programs or does he just sit down and channel surf until he finds something that sort of catches his fancy? Ok, I KNOW about sports <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> but seriously think about this.

I am not sure how YOU would meet his EN to watch TV, since it does not involve you other than you want to be with him. It is a habit, just as reading is, but it can also be escapism as well.

I would bet money he does not find many of the shows that good either other than sports and "how about that US Open?" <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

My point, consider this from a different perspective. If you want him with you rather than watching TV he may need something that decompresses him. Oddly, most women don't seem to need this as much, could be a guy thing, I don't know. But, I will say my thumb is in excellent shape, as well. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Consider some other form of recreation, one thing I know is that often I don't want to talk when I get home from work. I've had more than my fill of conversation, so just sitting, reading the paper, having the TV on, whatever is decompressing for me. W and I will share watching a game show or Dr. Phil on the nights we watch it, AND talk about it, but most shows really are poor. I tend to hang in sports, history channel, discorvery channel and such.

Oddly, this seems more social than reading a book, because I don't really mind being interrupted by my W and talking with her or even doing chores as she finds them for me. When I am reading I usually am pretty focused.

So just some thoughts to consider what is really bothering you. Consider what this is "doing" for him. Then consider if there are ways to both relax his mind AND meet your EN's. It seems to me that here it is YOUR EN that is not being met.

What do you think?

God Bless,

JL

Just an idea, but I use H's TV time to met my EN of Affection! I'll put my head in his lap and he'll play with my hair or rub my back and arm. Could you use this time to do the same? It makes H feel like I'm doing the whole TV thing but I could care less, most of the things he watches is not interesting to me. I can sit there, read a book, and tune out the whole world. How's your LB balance?

that's just it i feel like i'm disconnecting myself.

this is what was first being discussed with FF, and as i wrote to her about how i feel my DH is trying to meet my ENs i thought to myself... "and how are you doing in regards to the same thing" and that made me think... maybe i'm not.

it's very confusing!!!

jl, my post to you didn't make it, i got some funky error.

obviously the next one worked just fine....

of course the one that was lost was the longer one <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

i'll try to reconstruct

How do you know it is an actual EN?
If it is an EN how high is it rated?
I don't think it is required that you meet every EN with the highest importance if it is not that important to him.
If watching TV with you is a 1 for him then I would say give it a 1 effort.
I think concentrating on the most important EN's gets you more deposits into the LB.

I would say if you didn't care to meet the most important EN's then you would need to take a look at yourself like you are doing now.

jl, as always, thanks for the response.

this is going to be a shortened version cuz it is time to go home soon...

he surfs, normally on the golf channel. (he thought tiger would win us open, in memory of his dad, but tiger didn't even make it to the final round! i didn't see who won)

remember he has a different schedule than most. if he is not on a photo shoot, he is home. he averages 2 shoots a week. sometimes more, sometimes less.

during school year, he had kids to get off by 8am and be ready for their return at 3pm. about 20% of the time, i get kids to school either because he is gone early on a job, gone early to golf or to let him sleep in.

he does more of the shopping/cooking than me. he is usually the one to do laundry, although i'll help put it away.

during the summer the kids DS12 and DD16 are home a lot.

if he does not like tv, he is doing a good impressio of someone who likes tv!!! i don't like tv, therefore, i turn it off and put on music instead. seems logical, you only watch tv if you like it.

we no longer play backgammon on a regular basis, he got sick of my lucky rolls.... (i should of purposely lost more!!)

he has not actually mentioned anything about wishing i would watch tv more. this is just all based on my own thoughts.

so you are telling me to find alternatives for him....

but i don't think that will be appreciated...

when i watch with him, if i talk or asks questions, it bothers him (same goes for when he is reading paper).

the more i look at this the more it think it really is more about me and my needs then him.

which just leaves me feeling selfish <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

we have never done the EN questionaire...

Hi FL_G

Squid loves TV too. I don't. More to the point she loves ME to sit with her while she watches TV. I tried for a long while but I couldn't do it.

The way I see it TV watching is an action, the EN must be for something other than Eastenders and reality TV.

I try to offer lot sof alternatives to TV where Squid and I can spend time together and its been fairly successful if tiring. Also there ARE shows we both enjoy and watch together. I think its easy companionship that Squid appreciates not me staring at the goggle box with her. I hope so anyway !

not his fault by the way. i have mentioned it, he has said he would. I have not followed thru and printed them.

ok, actually i have printed them a couple of times.

i've never followed thru by giving them to him.

cuz then i will have to fill out too

and it looks hard to fill out

and i fear if mine don't say he is doing everything perfectly he will be offended.

and that will just make things worse.

bob, DH loves tv. he has never really given me the impression that he would love for me to sit with him.

companionship does not seem to be a high EN of his.

of course, now we all know, i don't actually know his ENs now do i?

"when i watch with him, if i talk or asks questions, it bothers him (same goes for when he is reading paper)."

This is a universal truth for all men. Do not ask a question when it is in the middle of a sporting event or a T.V. show. Thats why there are commercials. LOL. My FWW does this when she misses part of a show. She won't wait for a commercial for me to explain. I told her it doesn't make sense to me. You miss a part then ask me what happened. Now we both miss a part while I explain. Who is going to fill us both in? LOL. Wait for the commercial.

It sounds like you want him to do something other then watch TV. Play other games. There are a million of them out there. My wife won't play backgammon with me either for the same reason.

Just my 2 cents

ok, i'm leaving for now....

i'm just feeling more and more like a failure and my mood is taking a major dive.

i'll come back when i get a grip of my emotions so i can make this be productive instead of what is happening to me right now.

ok, that made me seriously laugh. thanks for that.

Ermmm...you want to come to MY house and try to talk during Squid's soaps ! I think its a universal truth for folks engrossed in TV , not just men ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Oh bOb you just hit the other universal truth my friend.
It is different!!!! When you do it to the female of our species.
The female is doing it for the right reasons. The male is just being rude.
If I interupt Mrs. Hurting during her shows I get the look of death possibly with a finger in front of the mouth telling me shush.
I have been dumb enough to tell her she does it to me only to receive the it's different reasoning.
So far I have been unable to wrap my mind around what is so different but I am sure it is true. Because she told me so. LOL

I am not being facetious, but how can TV be an EN?

Is it coming in under recreational companionship? Because to me, that should be two-sided, as in something you both like to do together.

It doesn't feel right to me that you have to amuse yourself for long periods of time, while he does something you don't like. If it were just an hour or two to decompress, that would be one thing, but if it's all the time that seems like a problem.

Neak - Dr Harley says Peanut Butter Sandwiches can be an EN. Not that I disagree with your other points.

ok, cute comments about the whole talking during tv, but lets move on now... the initial laugh helped but now i would like serious help again.

remember, DH has not told me he would like it if i would watch tv with him more. but i do believe joining your spouse to watch tv can be an EN.

maybe it is a balance thing.... i'll have to think on that more.

even if it is, how do i fix it?

" i do believe joining your spouse to watch tv can be an EN."

Ok so you believe it but:
Is it really one of his needs?
If so how important is it to him?

My first MC put it like this as far as needs are concerned.

You may think that you are doing something really good but if it isn't that important to your spouse then you are not getting the points you think you are.

For example I thought my FWW liked getting flowers. She liked them but not as much as spending the same amount getting her hair or nails done. I thought that by getting her flowers this I was making some nice deposits when in all reality they were small ones. Now I get gift cards to nail or hair place and for the same amount of time and less engergy I get more points.

If you are looking for a fix that is up to you. Can you sit and watch some TV with him? I like needings idea she laid there and didn't watch TV she just spent time with her H.

I hate going shopping at the mall. My FWW loves going to the mall. I go just to spend time with her get myself a pretzel and consider it exercise. Problem solved.

Maybe he needs some time to decompress. Then you go off and get busy. He thinks you are busy so he keeps watching. He keeps watching TV so you keep busy. It could be you think he would rather watch TV and he thinks you are to busy so he keeps watching.

Communicate with him and find out. Then you can plot a course of action