I just read a book about getting your man back from the ow. Not a Marriage Builder book. I agreed with mostly everything in it except for making him a little jealous. They suggest letting him wonder about what you've been doing, after all he hasn't been honest with you. Should you go out with other people? I haven't dated and I'm still wearing my wedding ring. H has been in his apartment a month, seeing the ow and not wearing his ring. The authors state it makes you more desirable if he thinks someone else wants you. the ow is using this on him. She says her h (whom she left for my h) wants to reconcile. I'm afraid its working. No one is knocking my door down, but friends keep mentioning "they have a friend" for me to meet. I don't think I want another relationship. But I want my h back. I love him. Anyone have any insight into this question?

I don't know. I'm not ready to date either. Don't want to. Have no interest whatsoever. <P>However, a few weeks ago my BIL took me to dinner to make me feel better, like he said, just like he'd do ANY of his sisters. 'Course we talked about H the whole time.<P>Anyway, H was FURIOUS. MY BROTHER moving in on MY WIFE. Hey, he left and it wasn't like that at all.<P>SOOOOO, there might be something to it. But i'd be afraid he would think I had "moved on". <P>Besides - I just don't want to.<P>Lori

Go for it. I've seen this work several times with people I know. What have you got to lose?

Not sure if jealousy will work; but I've initiated a plan "J" on my H. My H is squirming and honestly I like it. I'm glad I've left him wondering, just like he's left me doing for the last few years! I figure at this point, if it backfires, what have I lost? I just want him to open his eyes and see what he's throwing away. I have a feeling we're(kids and me) aren't important enough. He is enjoying his "single life". Today, instead of coming home to see his kids, he's in Houston. He preferred watching the Houston Astros last game in the Astrodome. That wouldn't be a big deal and would be perfectly understandable IF he saw his kids more. He's here only when there's nothing better to do. Lately there must be plenty better...<P>As for a Plan "J" in your case, only you can answer that one. My H thinks I had a date Friday night. He said,"I can't believe you're going out on a date". I must admit I wanted him to say,"Don't go, I love you". He didn't. He's too stubborn. If I hadn't been able to tell it bothered him so, I wouldn't be recommending it. Just be careful. <P>------------------<BR>For I know the thoughts I think<BR>toward you, saith the Lord,<BR>thoughts of peace, not of evil,<BR>to give you an expected end.<BR>Jeremiah 29:11<BR>

my husband is living here and trying like crazy and i am tempted to date!!! i would if i were in your position. then come the logistics, who? when? what to do with the kids? how do you make yourself not have sex?, all that stuff is worth considering. i actually answered some personal ads on the internet for pen pals and email men. it makes my husband wild. in actuality, he has nothing to worry about, the guys are aware of my commmittment. i like the fact that my husband is a little jealous. it's probably an immature way to increase my own self worth, but hell after what i've been through it's better that going to bars or taking drugs or whatever!! i have been feeling a little rebellious and sick and tired of feeling sick and tired (can you tell).<BR>so, go for it, but be VERY VERY careful.

Letting him wonder doesn't actually mean you have to go on a date. It just means you live your life and aren't accounting for every minute. Go to the library, go to a support group, go out with girlfriends, just don't be too quick to tell him what you are up to.<P>I didn't intentionally keep my H in the dark about my activities, but lately I've been a lot busier. I did go have drinks with a male friend, but it was just as friends and I don't see it as a date. My H started to get very curious about what I was up to. Finally he called me at work one day to ask. I was completely honest with him and told him he was welcome to ask anytime, as I don't have any secrets from him. He got miffed by my having drinks with the friend. Made an implication that it was like his affair. Huh? <P>My interpretation is that he's not quite ready to see me go on with my life. He may have had feelings of jealousy, and I think it surprised him. On the one hand, he wants a divorce. On the other hand, he wants to know that his family is safe and sound right where he left us. <P>If you want to save your marriage, do not start dating!!! I think this is petty and manipulative. But by all means do go out with friends and have a good time. Don't sit around the house moping. <P>After the phone call, my H said he wanted to talk, then didn't. So I don't really know what was going on in his mind. I've learned that trying to figure out his mind when he doesn't know himself is an exercise in futility, however, so I'm just going to leave it. <P>Today, however, I told him I had plans next Friday (I have to tell him because it impacts visitation time). He immediately asked, "So what are you doing?" with a big grin on his face (I'm taking a cooking class). <P>Part of the program is also not asking him what he's up to. This part is harder for me. For awhile after he filed for divorce I was obsessed with the idea that he was seeing the OW again (he broke it off in May). But since he reassured me that he's not seeing her I'm a lot calmer. I still ask him what he's doing, however, but I'm not giving him the 3rd degree anymore.

I think if you provide a proper balance, that it could work. My H was over to visit the kids tonight and the phone rang. I purposely ran to the other phone in my bedroom to answer the phone. After I hung up, he asked who it was. I was vague and distracted. He immediately called *69 and, of course, found out it was our sister-in-law. Darn *69 sometimes.

You dont really have to do anything, just make him think you might be. Lets them know your not sitting home waiting on them and yeah I think it does make a difference if they think somebody else wants us.I did this with my husband and even though I wasnt about to go on a date, as long as he thought I might, he called me constantly.I dont know if it will work or not but it wouldnt hurt to try a little.

<BR>Noel,<P>I agree with all the ablove posts. Jealousy does work, but with what consequenses? I know I get extremely jealous at times when my SO talks to other women and I will work harder to get him interested in me. Most times it's innocent conversations he's having, but I'll feel my jealousy running wild.<P>I think this can back fire. I would suggest just not being quick to explain your every move and to just be busy at the library or anything else. I finally made the decision that I couldn't count on my SO to be in my life so I just started living as though he weren't. I stopped wondering if I should keep the mini-van when I want a smaller car. The minivan was great when we did things together since we both have 2 boys each from previous marriages. I have been keeping the van hoping we'd be a family soon.<P>I also want new furniture and a house, but I've been holding off because I wasn't sure what kind of furniture he liked. I'm going to just go for these things and if we do end up married, we'll have lots of furniture and a house!<P>My SO likes to see the tears, but he also becomes more interested if he sees me taking great care of myself because the possibility of losing me is there. I continue wearing lipstick (maybe a new shade) and ensuring I look the best I ever could. Not that I didn't wear the lipstick for him, I always made sure I looked great for him, but hey, I can't look great 24/7. I've also started wearing a new purfume and that has turned his head as well. It's the little things you can do to spark the interest again. Being positive and standing tall is always more appealing than a crying broken person. I hated myself for crying uncontrollably to him last week and I don't want to do that again.<P>I don't agree with game playing, but it doesn't hurt to be a little mysterious!!<P>Good luck and God Bless!<P>------------------<BR>Carpe Diem<BR>~~ Lady K ~~<P><BR>

I believe it does work <BR>I was totally devasted when my H left me for OW. For 7 weeks I called him, I almost begged him to come back. He did for 1 week and could not stay home and left again. When that happen I cut all contact with him with the exception of a call per week because of my son ( 2 yrs old), and then I didn't answer the call, I saw it was him on caller ID so I let it go to voice mail, once or twice, then I would call back the next day to make arragments for him to pick up his son. I also let his family know that I have a "friend" that was very nice and good looking that wanted to go out. I also let them know that I went out with this "friend" and had a great time, made another "date".<BR>And it got back to H and he did not like it because his wife was no longer the sure thing waiting on him if he wanted to come back home. This lasted 3 weeks. It was very hard because we always talked to each other alot, but I felt I needed to do this to see for myself if it was worth waiting for him. And I'm happy to say that he has been home for 1.5 week and it has been wonderful to have him back. And this time he is not back because he missed his son but because he missed his wife and was afraid to lose "US" forever.<BR>I guess sometimes it works. I was very afraid that he might not care. That would've of hurt! <BR>HB

I spoke with H today, first time since Friday afternoon. Long story short he ADMITTED HE IS JEALOUS and wanted to know if I really had a date Friday night. (which of course I didn't) I still avoided giving him a straight answer and while he accused me of "playing games", I know it's bugging the crap outta him wondering! While the verdict is still out on whether or not I'm accomplishing anything with Plan "J", atleast I know my H isn't ready to give me up yet. <P>------------------<BR>For I know the thoughts I think<BR>toward you, saith the Lord,<BR>thoughts of peace, not of evil,<BR>to give you an expected end.<BR>Jeremiah 29:11<BR>

Thanks to everyone for sharing their stories about jealousy. Sounds like a little mystery is good, even if not actually dating. I guess you just have to know your man and how he would react. I'd like to hear from h who have been the betrayers and hear their opinion.

With my ex, your damed if you do and damed if you don`t so to speak.. he is not a jealous person, and even if he were, you would never know it, because he has too much pride to ever express it.. He knows I am going out dancing, and dating, on the internet. Our 11 yr old, I`m sure, tells him just enough to know, and that is just how I want it.. I tell her just what I want him to know, and that is, I do not want to introduce her (our daughter, being she is curious) to any one, (because she has asked) and get her involved unless I see something panning out.. she gets too atached.. and I told her that.. and I tell her when I am meeting some one, (while her dad is on visitation most of the time) for a bite. and will be back in time to be home for her.. My ex, was told the other day about one of my escapades, and said, good for her, she deserves to go out.. That is just what I expected from him.. and so there you have it.. I will NEVER KNOW exactly how he feels about it.. he won`t reveal that to my 11 yr old, no way.. and never to me either.. never has, never did, never will.. I can only guess, as I always have...<P>wish I did know though...!! <P>Av<P>