OM's wife absolutely suspects.

OM's wife is also OW #1 from OM's first M.

The package also contained very personal items of OMs. Some with his name on them... with his squadron number on them.

OM's time in the military was the proudest in his life.

I signed the letter with my name.

Maybe I should have been more direct, but "these don't belong to me" really says "they belong to you." "I'm sorry for hurting you and your family" means "I intruded on your family."

I really had the best intentions sending the letter and the book. H is not happy with me and feels I betrayed him. He thinks I should call the police and give them an advanced warning of what might transpire over the next couple of days.

I will think about calling the OMW and giving her the heads up. I'm exhausted and going to bed now. Thanks for the feedback.

((MF)) sorry about your crumby day!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Katie, I would at least make sure she gets the FACTS about why you are sending this so she understands it was an affair and that her H is still stalking you. Those are facts that she absolutely needs to have in order to protect herself and perhaps save her marriage. Did you sign your full name so she can get in touch with you and ask questions?

I am getting ready for work but wanted to post a quick update...

Yes Mel, I did sign my full name in case she wanted to get in touch with me.

I've been thinking more about what you all suggested, and I think I will call his W and give her a heads up when I get home from work tonite. I should probably ask H first.

H is still uncomfortable with my decision but he understands. I told him withholding the information was loyal to OM and I wanted to be loyal to us. He agrees she had the right to know, but is afraid of the ramifications. He is afraid the situation could turn dangerous because of OM's mental state.

Thanks for the help y'all... I'll post more after I talk to OMW.

Katie -

Tell him to post to me. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

I'm a Pastafarian.

I just got home and gave H a quick call. As I suspected, he does not want me to phone OMW. He said "the package is enough."

He did say he would be home in an hour and we could discuss it further. He said this all makes him very uncomfortable.

I just want to cry.

Oh, and WAT...

Thanks for the laugh!

I needed it.

Well, really its' NOT "enough." What is enough is the FACTS, to which she is entitled. She can't do anything without the facts, Katie. This was a nice tease, but not enough to help her.

I wonder how the OMW will feel? At least your H has the facts, she doesn't. She will be devastated because she KNOWS something is up, but has no idea WHAT. And her H will only tell her what he chooses.

It would have been kinder to just whip her [censored] in a parking lot. At least she would KNOW what was happening and could defend herself. This is much worse.

Yep. And if all the truth comes, the discomfort will be intense, but short lived - followed by a profound feeling of relief. Like when you're beating your head against the wall - and you stop. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh.

If the truth doesn't come out, the discomfort will be chronic - always playing in the background and indefinite.

WAT

Gee, thanks for the support.

I AM NOT SUZET.

I WANTED TO TELL THE OM's W, AND I DID THE BEST I KNEW HOW AT THE TIME.

With guidance from this board, I agreed it was best to call her. Since I sent the package without H's approval, I thought I would tell him I wanted to call before I did so.

JUST BECAUSE HE SAID NO DOESN'T MEAN I'VE GIVEN UP.

We're talking about it when he gets home and I will do my best to convince him. Maybe we can even call together.

Your responses made me cry. In no way did I say I agreed with my H, and you're talking to me like I don't understand what's going on here.

I think I'm going to leave this thread now. I don't have anyone else to talk to about this and I don't feel supported here.

Goodbye.

This is really interesesting to me...

I can see why a BS would expose without their spouse's consent...

But, Mel and WAT, shouldn't the FWS be more concerned with the BS's feelings than with the OP and OPS?

I think I'd have a big problem with it if my H wanted to make contact with OW or her SO (if she had one) despite me telling him it was not ok with me. I think I'd feel betrayed all over again, like he had decided what was best and done just exactly what he wanted to do -- with OW -- regardless of my feelings.

I agree that the OMW should have the truth ... and that her H probably won't give it to her, and that sucks. But I guess what I'm struggling with is -- is it Katie's responsibility to provide that, over her own H's objections? It seems like it's much more important to take his feeling into account be able to come to an agreement with him than to worry about the OMW.

I'm not trying to argue -- I have TONS of respect for both of you -- I just was hoping that you could maybe fill in the gaps on this a little better. Is there something I'm missing?

Thanks!
-AmI

It was not the responses that made you cry.

You sent the pkg knowing it was going to upset him yet you did it anyway.

Yes, that was a good first step.

Was it enough?

Probably not.

What do you so about it?

Katie Mae,
go read Mrs. W's last post on SUzet's thread. I think this will help you talk him into you calling the OMW.

You might ask him how he would feel if he got a box like that with no explanation.

AMi, the FWS should be concerned about making amends to her victim by making sure she gets the truth. The BS's "discomfort" does not supercede her right to know or Katie's moral obligation to get the word to her. Katie should not be contacting the OM EVER. She sent the box of stuff to his WIFE.

AMIOK,

Intially you may feel that way, but what's right is right and moving forward as your husband can demonstrate over time that he is committed to doing right by you, in word and deed, you should come to respect his decision.

No doubt, you may intially see the action against your wishes as continued betrayal and ignoring your feelings and concerns. You will definitely question his motivations (i.e.-is he trying to break them up so he can be with OW, is he being vindictive and still consumed with thoughts of her and not me)...but in time, that hurt shall pass IF your WH actually did do it for the right reasons and commits to a proper recovery.

The uncertainty, fear and apparent lack of respect will no doubt inflict pain on the BS. Why would any BS trust the WS's motivations. However, if done right and for the right reasons, exposure is move designed to protect the marriage not hurt it. It's counter-intuitive and may take time to process but it's for your and your marriages benefit in the long run.

How many times do we see the OW and OM continue to stalk and contact the WS when their spouse has no idea about the truth in their life....however, we RARELY ever see OW and OM's contact the WS's after exposure. The OW and OM's have been shown the consequences and rightfully KNOW that their spouse will be contacted immediately if they break the no contact rules. Until then, they think they can interfere in your marriage forever. They think the WS still cares for them and is only in no contact cause the big bad BS made them do it. Maybe they can resume a little contact in secret so why not approach WS once again despite the No Contact letter obviously written by BS. They must be releived of all delusions of loyalty and continued guarantees of secrecy.

Not to mention, of course, the OP's spouse MUST know and a BS that thinks otherwise becomes a co-conspirator to the perpetuation of the LIE. By exposing, even against the BS's will and desire, the WS is relieving the BS of such moral obligation. You can thank them later in recovery when you both process it all (as I have been thanked for some of the independent actions I took like snooping and "changing just to get WW back" that mistakenly upset Mrs. W so last spring).

Mr. Wondering

I know you are struggling... please know that those who post here are looking out for you and for the other BS. DO the right thing... communicate with her... you've taken the hardest step.... now finish the task you started. You owe yourself and the BS nothing less than complete honesty.
I wish you well and pray for you to find the courage to act.
Remember... be brave... if you're not... pretend, nobody will know the difference.

Katie...

No one here compared you to anyone else, well actually, someone did, but that someone was you...C'mon, don't do the "Goodbye Cruel Forum" post...That is very old and tired, you are more intelligent than that. BECAUSE I think you are smart, I also think that somewhere deep down you knew that that letter/pckg. wasn't sufficient...

I'm not saying this is FACT about your intentions...BUT when I read your posts last night, this is what I thought as a FWS...1. NOT ENOUGH INFO FOR OMW 2. In your letter, speaking directly to OM in an appologetic way was...BAD FOR ALL FOUR PARTIES INVOLVED-shows loyalty to OM-leaves the door open a crack...I'm not saying that those were absolutely your concious intentions...I'm just telling you how it looks from the outside...Especially considering your bursting into tears when OM told you he was moving and your own admission that you have yet to fully withdraw...

I chose not to post those things, because I understand the microscope that you are under when you decide to share things here as a FWS...I'm sure you'll agree that it is very understandable that the posts of we FWSs are naturally suspect here...Katie, I like your posts, I agree with much of what you say around here...Whether you decide to process this on the board or not, I think that you should question your intentions regarding the enigmatic exposure to OMW...I'm not trying to be critical of you or mean to you, I'm just reminding you of the constant internal work that goes with the territory of being a FWS...

Just my .02...


Mrs. W

DITTO to Mrs. W.

Even if your intentions are not "to leave the door open"--caring how you "end" a relationship is just that: caring. You didn't need to tell him that you thought it was "for the best" unless you cared at all about his reaction. Right?

This is contact!

Understanding why you said those things is an important opportunity for your own healing--a window inward!

Ahuman and Mrs. W are right...I did that too...wrote an apologetic letter to OM...he never left me alone..it became - are you okay? I haven't seen you around? Is your husband treating you okay?? all which I gave on to sprint..

It took a pretty nasty no contact letter along with exposing to his wife for OM to get the picture...OMW left him...and i think the nasty letter i sent at the same time as exposing is what kept him from trying when his wife left.

It was a month past d-day...and NO opening was left for him in that letter....Sprint greatly approved of the letter <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Ahuman is right - this is something you need to look at inside of yourself...

Katie...

The "I hope you understand" written TO the OM, but *disguised* as a letter to OMW...Well, that's just a BIG SLAP IN THE FACE to OMW, IMVHO...It also serves to remind her of, and almost "rub in", the secret language, et al that you've been sharing with HER husband...

Also, if I were a BS, I would VERY MUCH RESENT being given a book about surviving an affair and recovering my marriage from the OW-My guess is she will completely REBEL against reading it...I think the thought of even holding a book that was once held by her husband's girlfriend and illicit lover would make her want to puke...You do get that, right?

Mrs. W