Just curious. And here's more nosy questons:

1. Is it a long distance relationship?
2. Are you two serious?
3. Who pursued who?

C'mon, I want screen names, cough it up. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Jo

well, actually, i currently am "hooking up" i suppose you could say with an mb member. he actually doesn't usually post here anymore but this board is how we "met". We have been talking for several months now and just taking it very slowly getting to know eachother. Neither one wants to make the mistakes we made before in our marriages or to have someone in our lives that is not exactly who we want. we "pursued" eachother i guess... just from talking so much we found many commonalities and it is going from there. yes, it is long distance but if things work out in the long run i am relocateable. if i was not or if one of us was not i am quite sure we would not allowed the thought of this going any further than friends. i posted about this in another post and his name on here was gekko.

why do you ask?? is there a member you want to "hook" up with???? i don't think you just asked this innocently! ha! mlhb

Hi mlhb,

Thanks for responding.

I inquired because after reading here a bit I couldn't help but imagine it happening. Two people with all the Harley's principles under their belt looking for love and finding one another was inevitable, IMVHO.

I actually hope to see more of the same.

I'm very happy for you both.

Lv,
Jo

Maybe we should start a "looking for love" thread here? You know, locations of people, other specifics, kinda like an introductory service. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

thanks resilient, we shall see what happens.....

i have read the harley's books, he has not. he was actually not a posting member for very long compared to the rest of us... i think he got out of it what he needed at the time (and i don't mean me! lol) and is at a different place now. i think he still reads here from time to time and i'm sure if he felt he had something to add to someone's post he would add it. when he was posting he always had something extremely intelligent and witty to say. we did take the emotional needs questionairre along with another one from this site. he is very open to stuff like that. it just helps you get to know eachother better. on many many things we are on exactly the same page.

the distance sucks and yet is a blessing at the same time. i think our friendship would have progressed entirely too quickly if we lived in the same town. (we are talking there are several states inbetween where we live from eachother so...) when you live that far away from eachother you cannot help but take it slowly which is exactly what we both want to do.

time will tell will this... so far i think he is terrific and want to continue to get to know him and see where this goes and he feels the same. and that's all i really can say about it all! i certainly didn't come to this board "looking for someone"... he posted one day, totally caught my attention with his wit and intelligence and it just kind of went from there. mlhb

hey nams... why the heck not??! ya never know what could happen... maybe,just maybe, some very happy well adjusted couples could come out of it all... wouldn't that be a nice thought? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

mlhb

Hey Jo--

'member me?

How are you?

I don't check this out often but couldn't resist answering when I saw our name.

I am OK...two years past the divorce...

I have been in and out (and in and out...sigh) of a long distance relationship...not sure these days if I am in or out. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" /> It is difficult.

Otherwise, though I am good...on friendly terms with my X, which is good...

Staying way busy with friends and other activities and trying to take life as it comes...

I hope all is well with you... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

E

I can imagine that some people would hookup at some point in time. If people lived near together, it would be natural to want to meet, if only to amuse each other with "war stories" about marriage and divorce. I imagine there could be a lot of laughts at the ex's expense.

i supposed you are right justin, but actually we hardly EVER discuss our exes... so much a part of the past we don't want to remember are they! sometimes we do, but very rarely... mlhb

I have hooked up with someone, but I'm not givin' screen names! Like mlhb, he does not post here anymore.

-Yes, it's long distance. Funny, I just kind of alluded to this relationship in another post. In our situation, the long-distance will likely be the deal-breaker. There is just no way for us to know each other on a daily basis (which is EXTREMELY important) without one of us moving. And who wants to change their whole life just to get to know someone? Talking on the phone every day or every other day for hours is fine and you do get to know a lot about a person that way. But you will never know their habits--you'll never know what you find annoying, or what endears them to you more. We have visited several times. I even did shots of tequila with his ex-wife (quite an experience, let me tell you). But I still don't feel like I really know him.

- Is it serious? It could be, but we haven't let it get too serious because of the distance. There have been some issues with dating others. We both know it's not practical to commit only to each other, but neither of really wants the other to date. This has become more of an issue lately because I've met someone I really like and I'm not sure how to deal with the whole situation. We agreed early on that if either of us met someone we felt we could get serious with, then we would likely stop our friendship. That may sound needless to some, but both of heed to the "Not Just Friends" school of thought :-) Sometimes we talk about the future and how we could possibly change things to get to know each other better, but I don't realistically see it happening.

- We pursued each other. It was definitely mutual from the beginning.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> Hi Jo, long time no see........hope things are well with you........

I know of four couples--

Two who married, where one person moved to be with the other.

One who after they met and got to know each other, there were certain issues they couldn't overcome. And it wasn't the move factor.

And the other from my understanding, are not sure at this point where things will go, and are just enjoying the time they have when they do get a chance to be together.

Hey Jo,

Hope things are going well with you, we don't hear from you often anymore!!!!

Sing see that you posted too, how are you? Enjoying the summer?

Nice to see some familiar names!!!

Dawn

This board was not intended to be a substitute for match.com. Unfortunately, most of the posters here, especially on Divorced/Divorcing and General Questions, have not been divorced nearly long enough to even consider a new relationship. Some of us know of one poster who started a relationship with another poster while both were still married - and it made a bad situation much worse.

well, then those two knew better didn't they? i don't think anyone comes here with the intention of meeting someone to pursue a relationship with. i started out on the general boards when my ex and i first split because i did not know what to do. once i accepted and knew it was completely over and that we were in fact divorcing i came over to divorced and after divorce/dating to see what life was going to be like single again, etc. met someone else who was divorcing as well, both our marriages are dead and dead, my ex already moved on, etc. i see NOTHING wrong with what i am doing. i probably would not use a dating service personally. and i am very particular about who i am with ,especially after a bad marriage. i live in a very small town where quality men just do not exist. this has been great so far, getting to know someone who gets it all, who is up to my standards, who is a snob like me. i never would have met someone like him where i live.

so, i see nothing wrong with it. we're both legally separated and just waiting for divorces to get finished and finalized. our marriages are done and we are free, in the eyes of the law, to do as we wish. shame on anyone who is still very married or supposedly trying to work on a marriage if they choose to hook up, but my sitch is completely different and i see nothing wrong with any of us who are in the spot gekko and i are, seeing what could be.

but again, i am sure no one comes here to treat it as a dating site. and i don't treat it that way, i just fell into this! i still come here to read and offer advice, not to see what other men i can scope out. i understand what you are saying, but i truly see nothing at all wrong with it. mlhb

Provocative question, Jo. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

You may remember that my H and I met here in 2000. I know Nellie remembers, and suspect we are the couple she is talking about in this quote.

From Nellie:


mlhb,

From mlhb:


My H and I were in a similiar situation to you. His prior spouse had moved the OM into their marital home, (by then, my H had moved across the country), and my prior spouse was with his final OW (in a line of OW). Both of us were waiting for the final decree.

To some, mbhb, that is still adultery. You may not feel that way, but many do. My H and I disagree about it, actually. I have felt guilty and wished we'd waited, he has no regrets.

My H and I have been through h-e-ll and back... and I attribute much of our struggle to the fact that this was a rebound and decisions were made in the beginning that didn't take into consideration all who would be affected (mainly, our children). The harm that Nellie speaks of directly relates to our two sons - his and mine. I don't discuss their issues publicly, but will say that she is right, it made a bad situation worse - especially at first.

Neither of us were here to find a new spouse. Both of us were here to save our marriages. Neither was to be saved, for reasons documented on MB (especially on my side since I seem to be a rather, um, prolific writer <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />).

Finally, I will say that because I was honest about how we met, MBers came to me (back when my email was public access) and shared their stories. I know of four couples who married and many, many more who hooked up for sex or companionship. I'd say at least ten more.

If I had to do it all over again, everyone who knows me knows I would have done it differently. I was in a vulnerable place emotionally (ending a 20 year marriage) and my H (a FBS) was also. This is the danger in sharing such intimate details about yourself (and I don't mean sexual). We committed the ultimate sin by agreeing to email away from the site... and Harley is very clear on why that is wrong - and we are proof of what can happen.

Back then, I had some contact with Steve Harley (long story). He said that I was a valued member here with insight and to keep sharing... I took his word, which is why I continue writing.

well, i appreciate the insite and input...

i am totally just going to see what happens. we are both scared and working at this slowly. friends first! and go from there... but thank you. very interesting.

mlhb

Well, so much for my attempt at subtlety, nb.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Unfortunately, in the early stages of a relationship, few people, even those who are generally sensible and thoughtful, are open to advice or to learning from the experiences of others.

oh, i am definitely open to listening to anything. i just don't believe at all what i am doing is wrong. if both of us were not legally separated than i would not be treading here. all that concerns me is being ok in the eyes of the law, and there we are both ok. we have been getting to know eachother for going on 4 months now. we are not running down the aisle here. he is not involved with my kids at this point and i am not involved with his. i do NOT feel in any way, shape, or form, that we are rebounding here. both of us have dated others before we "met" here. i have not been with my ex for a year and a half now and he has not been with his for going on a year. we are not rebounding. what difference does it honestly make how we met?

i have no issue with hearing other's experiences, and for the poster who married someone from mb and feels she would do things differently, that is her. i am no where near that with this, just getting to know someone. i'm certainly not going to stop getting to know someone just because he is from mb and just because our divorces are not final yet... we are fine in the eyes of the law with the separations.

not yelling at anyone so please do not take my post the wrong way. he is a great guy so far and someone i could really see in my life. matters not to me how we met. we are ldr as well, so it is not like we are just living and breathing eachother in person every day. with ldr you MUST take it slowly, you really have no choice. i think it makes it better to really get to know someone slowly this way.

i do appreciate the thoughts. all i was doing was answering the original posters "provacative" question... lol
mlhb

p.s. i also do not see it as the "ultimate sin" to email away from this site. if you both are divorced, or legally separated and on your way to divorce, so what? email, call,do what you want to do. there is nothing wrong with talking and getting to know someone. you certainly aren't going to do that via the site. this is just me ladies, but i see nothing wrong with it if all your ducks are in a row. if 2 people do not have a separation or divorce, than i would agree they should not be pursuing eachother.. but otherwise, who cares? go ahead and find some happiness if someone you meet here is a person who can bring that to you.

It may be legal, but that doesn't make it either right or a good idea. It some states you can get divorced in six weeks, if there are no kids, but that doesn't mean it would be a good idea to start dating as soon as week 7 rolls around. Aside from the fact that legal separation is not the same as divorce, it takes a long time after divorce before most people are ready to date, and most people here who have begun relationships too soon come to regret it. There is a lot of truth to the axiom about waiting one year after divorce for each 5 years of marriage.

As to long distance relationships - they often progress faster than face-to-face ones, and with fewer reality checks.