My DH and I think he's an Aspie. Are any auspies or auspie spouses on the forum? I would love to discuss MB'ing w/ an auspie spouse.

MFF

Well first you need to find someone who works specifically with adult ASD and get him a diagnosis, otherwise it is pointless acting as if he is when it could be any number of things.

If he is Apergers I would think he would have some kind of track record in his behavour patterns.

Care to share more?

SP

Sure. Actually the start was me trying to figure out the tactile sensitivy issues. I was searching around for info on that, and autism was the only thing that came up. That lead to aspergers, and he fit the diagnostic criteria perfectly. He has extreme tactile sensitivity (sometimes being touched is painful to him). For ex., stroking his arm is sometimes OK for him, but sometimes it's extremely ticklish/painful. Sometimes just setting my hand on his back is too much. He will only wear cotton tshirts and jeans because any other texture bothers him. He's very mathematical (very successful computer engineer). He cannot feel empathy, sympathy, jealousy. He does not fantasize or lie. He just 'can't' do those things. We have a lot of friends, yet he doesn't feel any social connection or friendship to them. He doesn't feel like he has any friends, nor does he seek any.

He recently told me a story about his childhood. When he was small and his mom took him to the beach, she never had to watch him. She would put him on a towel, and he wouldn't leave it because he hated the feel of sand. :-)

His grandfather was an engineer, and quite 'odd'. His mother shares a lot of the same characteristics. Two of his first cousins are borderline autistic.

We don't have any serious relationship threatening problems - I love him for who he is and absolutely trust him. But there are issues, things that we don't know how to solve...

We live in a remote area - they could probably diagnose it in the nearest big city (300 miles away). However, because he is OK with who he is and WE are functional, it just hasn't been a priority.

MFF

Ok we will take it thst he is likely Aspergers. so what are the issues you cannot deal with.


SP

Hi MFF. Same thing here...my H is undiagnosed but remarkably exhibits the symptoms, I'd even posted several months ago that I think that's what it is. I'd be happy to chat about it. We're doing well now but we've certainly had some up's and down's in the past.

<raises her hand> my H too. formally undiagonsed but autism runs in his family, he displays almost all the symptoms and scored a whopping 38 on the Autism quotent test i had him take (Neurologial normals score about 16).

It certainly makes life interesting.

So why have none of you gone for testing and found out where H stands in Neuro/brain function and the other specific tests. Those tests you have done yourselves, only show the probablity of ASD, they do not investigate what how and where it afffects your H.

When you know exactly what you are dealing with - both of you - then it makes a huge difference to how you both function in the marriage.

SP

The answer should be fairly obvious. They won't go.

Actually, living in the UK, AS testing is almost unheard of for adults. even if he was inclined to get formally diagnosed (which he is not), it would be almost impossible to do so without us paying for the privlidge personally and it would not be covered under the NHS and nor does out private cover cover it.

i know the areas it affects him in. living with him for the last 10 years has taught me that. it is pretty simple actually.
He has absolutley no understanding of how social interaction works, what is and what isnt appropriate. He follows scripts and if the situation deviates from that he gets either anxious or aggressive.
He does not understand empathy. He cannot fathom it. He cannot put himself in someone elses shoes.
he is convinced he is the normal one and the rest of us are mad.
he is obsessed with facts. The Guiness Book of World Records is his most treasured posession.
He gets really upset if someone quotes a fact that is wrong. He is compelled to correct them if he knows the answer, regardless of how appropriate it might be.
He has a funny walk
He doesnt deal well with consequences (hence the info in my sig line).

I dont think he very badly affected. his newphew who has just been diagnosed as an aspie, is much worse than him.

I do understand both of these responses.

Athough some adult ASD want a diagnosis, not for the label but to try to find out if they can improve their lot in life.

I also understand the UK, I am British.

So, when you met them, what did you think of their behaviour?

Or, didn't you notice it.

SP

honestly, i didnt notice it. i thought he was different. sweet and earnest but at the same time uncomprimising.

he was a breath of fresh air.

he still is in a lot of way.

When I met my DH, he was 24 and never had a girlfriend (it was not so strange - we both worked in a high tech co. and that wasn't an unusual situation). He had a low self esteem, family history of depression. I liked him from the first moment I laid eyes on him (it's true, love at first sight). There's an honesty and kindness in him that is impossibly pure. It's not that I didn't notice the quirks, it's that I didn't judge them. They are not toxic or pathological, and I enjoy being around someone who thinks about things very differently (makes for interesting conversation). The self esteem has come up over the years, the depression hasn't been around for a long time. We have been together for 10 years now.

I am hesitant to ask, but interested to know, how the physical aspect of the marriage works within other AS marriages. We are a kiss/hug/hold hands couple. Beyond that, we have a lot of problems synchronizing... He's either not interested and there's no way to GET him interested (try seducing someone incapable of fantasy... just try it.) AND he has absolutely no conceptualization of how the female mind works (I think that would fall somewhere under inability to empathize). Our love life is a dark comedy. :-) Occasionally, things fall into place and it's wonderful. I just wish there was a way to stay in that zone... Or get back to it more often.

MFF

MFF, us too when it comes to our love life. We are also quite affectionate but when it comes to "the bedroom" we are out of whack. He seems to have very little need and the thought just doesnt occur to him. There have been times when i have been using my feminine charm to full and blatant effect and he will kiss the top of my head and go and watch discovery channel.

Thanks for sharing that. :-) It sounds exactly like our situation! I wonder if low-ish need is common with ASD?? Seems like it very well could be.

Do you feel like other aspects of your marriage are good? I feel like we do particularly well in friendship and as a couple. Never fight about things.

Has your H ever wanted to know much about your relationship history before he came along? Mine has never wanted to know anything. He doesn't care if I mention parts of it, but there's absolutely no curiousity. That bothered me for a looong time, until I found out about ASD. Then I realized maybe it's in a different brain pathway than what I've experienced before... It's not that he doesn't care because he's a callous person. He just doesn't care in the kindest, most loving way. :-)

MFF

ps. I'm a 1971. Our ages are close, and relationships fairly similar in time frame. I'm glad to finally meet up with someone in a similar boat.

I am so glad you guys have got together - my two "psuedo sons" I just adore, they are both about your age which is about my DS age. I seem to know a lot of Aspergers folks from 22 - 45 and these two boys have no Mum to support for them. I also have a grandson who is Aspergers, and so dealing with them a lot and running a support group for something else that the two attend, it all comes together. They are delightful and very kind. They both have sexual relationships One very high drive, the other I will ask about it when I bring him over to do his laundry tomorrow. He has had GF's and mentioned thinking about them producing a kid and was more worried about their unhealthy habits hurting the kid, than producing another ASD child.

I don't know if I will be any help to you, apart from understanding. Maybe having a couple of diagnosed guys to ask about it and also being able to ask the psychiatrist who is working with one of them (I have POA for one of them as he has no one else to care for him if he should need NOK) to better function socially. I know it is a long shot. Maybe I can get some info that might help. or if you prefer I can leave the thread now you are not alone.

SP