I'm holding a major grudge against my husband of five years and I just can't seem to get over it.

Six months before we got married we had intamacy but nothing physical mostly revolving around the death of one of his relatives. However three weeks before we got married everything seemed normal again in everyway.

When we first got married there was NO intimacy what so ever at all. There was very little conversation and no sex. He would stay up watching things on TV that he knew I wouldn't watch with him until 2:30 and was gone by the time I got up. I was crushed and cried myself to sleep more than once. On top of just not being intimate, he also made some really mean comments that hurt my feelings even more. Mostly about why I was unemployed. I was trying to get a job but there just wasn't a lot available in my field at that time.

After almost a year of that, we were about to have our first child. We must be incredibly fertile to concieve one of the few times that it was humanly possible for us to concieve. Things were good for another nine months until the baby was about 7 months old. Then he lost his job and I decided to get one near his parents house. We moved.

When we moved, he once again completely withdrew from me. He ignored me, left me home alone where I didn't know anyone and took our child to see his parents where they stayed all day. Sometimes he'd just leave our child there and he'd come home without her and ignored me. It occurred to me that the cell phones that we'd had before right have we'd had the child had helped our marriage so I got cell phones which he refused to answer.

After another 6 months of this we started marriage counseling. At this point we've been married about 2.5 years and had what I would consider a healthy marriage for about 9 months of it if that much.

The marriage counselor told my husband that he was wrong to do the things that he was doing, that he was neglecting me and our marriage and that he needed to straighten up. He was completely on my side. I didn't need him on my side, I just wanted him to tell me what I'd done wrong so I could fix it. To this day I still don't have a reasonable answer for what was wrong except that he claims too many changes at one time.

Counselor after a few months tells me I just need to forgive him and that most people would be satisfied with the fact that there were too many changes.

Well here it is two years and another child later and I'm still not ok. DH has been working hard to make things better for two years. He has been a lot more attentive but most things in our marriage seem to be at his convenience and not at mine at all.

I find myself getting very depressed and anxious. I don't want to let myself be happy with him because what if he starts ignoring me again. I mean I pretty much feel like he struck out three times. I don't have what I think is a good reason to just shut me out of his life when I needed him.

So I'm angry, I'm scared, and I'm hurting my marriage with this. I'm throwing the first three years in his face every time I get angry and I just don't know how to stop. I still want to be married to him but I'm resentful that I never got to be in a "happy" marriage before having children and sometimes feel that that's the only thing he wants me for.

Thanks for any help you can offer. If I can't get help here, then I think I may be hopeless.

anon:

Welcome to MB. Please feel free to vent here.
(better here than to say something stupid to a significant other)

Have you read the free material on this site ?

Maybe a good area to start is "His Needs, Her Needs"
If DH is willing maybe you could fill out the emotional needs questionaire. You acknowledged he is working at making things better - have you awarded the action ?

I am a little confused about some of the things your are presenting.

Another advantage to a board like this is you can be completely honest. Try avoiding absolutes like

"NO intimacy what so ever at all" & "no sex"
when you mentioned children later on I had to go back and re-read it.

Another area to look at would be love-busters - see which ones you should avoid.

We could use a little more information about your age, his age, etc.

Maybe someone else will chime in with better insight -
I just want you to know - I'm cheering for the marriage.

Thank you for responding. I've been reading the other thread that I started in emotional needs but I can use lots of advice because I apparently I'm not good at this whole marriage thing.

I'm 27 and he's 29. Anything else you want to know just ask. I'm an open book.

Hi,
I feel your pain because I am in a similar situation. I have not been able to let go of some of the sufferings I faced early on in our marriage, including financial problems, lack of support, lack of physical intimacy and neglect. Now I have communicated how I feel about being treated this way and expressed that I will have to take a drastic decision if it continues. He is definitely trying to make an effort but everytime we had a fight I used to throw it in his face that he has caused me so much pain. Finally I sat down and allowed myself to feel all the negative feelings, thought about what they were doing to the marriage and just let it go. I dont know how it happened but when I realized that he did a lot of things unconsciously I felt it was unfair to hold it against him. I probably did a lot of things that hurt him but he doesnt throw it in my face all the time. Think about it and you might be able to let go.

Wow... You sound like my wife (no offense). To get my full story, you can view it on this "Resolving Conflict" forum. Long story short: I was a jerk, I said mean things, and we've discussed it before. Then finally, she wanted to be separated until she could clear her head. Well, that lasted for about 3 or 4 days until I came over one night and we talked. I currently sleep in our guest bedroom. Every moment (which is not much now) that we're together, she has a "friend" attitude towards me now. She would rather go out with her girlfriends than spend Saturday nights with me, and she doesn't talk to me the way she used to. She's not happy & cheerful.

The similarity between you and her is that because I struck out 3-times, she too doesn't let herself be happy with me. I think she's scared that I'll go back to the way I was.

We just visited the marriage counselor yesterday and we're both going back. She definitely wants to stay married, but is not letting herself be happy with me yet because of what I put her through. She claims that it's going to take a long time. I am going to change no matter what, but how long can she hold a grudge? I know I have been a jerk in the past. I have promised to change but never have. Now that I am changing myself, I feel like it's too late...like she's lost almost total interest. I am going to continue to change and be happy, but it's hard now because the person I want to be happy with, is not happy and refuses to be happy for a long time.

What do I do?

*Why are us men jerks most of the time?