Please bare with me I am extrememly confused and upset. I have been married to my husband for 10 years. 7 of those years he has lied and has had 4 affairs (1 woman twice). Now this last one happend to be a fling suppossedly happend gee only 3 times. Well now she is pregnant. She has ordered a paternity test for when the baby is born. I can't wait that long. I also don't know if I could go on anymore and do this. He says he hit rock bottom and is a changed person. He also claims to have found his faith again. He says that it was his selfishness that got him there and the fact that he felt good to have someone flirt with him. He swears he has "seen the light". Is there anyone out there that can honeslty say that have survived something like this? We have 2 beautiful children 7 & 2. How can a break there hearts anymore then there Daddy has. There is so much more to the story that it would take days. We have been talking about moving back to our home town and now he says we should to start new. Please someone help I am falling deeper and deeper into a hole. Do I stay for my kids??? I am so confused!!!!!

DM, breathe. keep breathing. it will be ok.

dont make any big decisions right now. you have plenty of time for that. just take things one step at a time, one day at a time.

yes, there are people who have gotten through this and lived happily ever after. some ended up divorcing and some managed to rebuild with their spouses. but they all survived. you will too.

how far along is the OW?

devotedmom---welcome to marriagebuilders!

I'm sorry for your pain.

I advise you to do 3 things: 1)read the articles on this website (policies, Plan A and B etc). 2)get "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring and BOTH of you read esp. the part about CONCRETE steps to rebuilding trust (that might include moving away). 3)get counseling if there is ANY way you can afford it. I've heard great things about the MB counseling by phone.

I'm suspicious of your husband's turn-around after 7 years and 4 OW. He might be genuine, but to PROVE it, there are concrete things he can do to earn back trust. That's where guidance from books, articles, and counselors can help. If he is not willing to read them or go to counseling, then he's NOT for real! A person who truly reaches bottom and feels repentent IS willing to do whatever it takes to save his marriage.

Do not make a permanent decision right now!
Be very very kind to yourself while you sort this out--be your own best friend.
Confide in someone you can trust not to spread it around and don't tell many others.

Hang on, DM (nice name <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) You are not alone.
J
married 19y
3 COM
7yo OC, visitation

Welcome and sorry that you had to find us, but there is great many compassionate people here that can try and help you find the way.

I know things look bleak right now and you are very unsure of what to do but take it slow, keep posting and you will find the answers.

There are some on here that H has had more then one affair and I am sure they will be able to give you some good advice.

Hang in there and keep in my mind that you are now amongst friends.

Thank you for answering me back and giving me advice. As far as the OW she is about 6 weeks. We are going to an ATTy. tomorrow to figure things out. We talked to the Chaplain at my H's work. She feels that as a devoted Christian I need to look to forgiveness and learn to love again. How is that possible? My H has been going to school to finish his degreee he has only 4 classes left. We are trying to move back to our home town. This is where we stand since he found out she is pregnant. He lost it at work and resigned. He with drew from classes for this last summer sememster and now wants to put the house up and move and finish school then look for another job. He feels and so do so many others that it is best to start anew elsewhere. Although, once it is proven to be his child we will financially be tied for the rest of our lives. How do I do this????? He has no feelings for her he barely even knows her. He met her in class. He wants nothing to do with OC except what he has to. The Chaplain and afew others that know what is going on claims that my old H is dead and now he is new and born again. How do I believe it. All I do is pray and ask for guidance. I feel so alone and empty. I am in need of a friend who understands! I apologize if this is all jumbled. I can't think straight.

"How do I believe it. All I do is pray and ask for guidance. I feel so alone and empty. I am in need of a friend who understands! I apologize if this is all jumbled. I can't think straight."

you believe it by his actions. It has not been enough time to really figure it out yet. If she is only 6weeks then this is really a very recent event.

What has he done? that is verifiable. He can give you lip service all he wants but what has been DONE???? Is he still speaking to the woman? Has he told her in writing or otherwise not to contact him again?

Has he taken the initiative to contact the attorney and make all the other arrangements to move or gain your trust? Have you been the one he has relied on to contact attorney or make decisions? You need him to step up and protect your and your children, not follow your lead.

Make him accountable to you for his actions.

ok I will stop and allow you to answer.

He may "want" to be new and reborn, but I don't think it can happen this quickly with his long history of cheating. It CAN happen, but it takes a long time and it requires a lot of work........from both of you.

Look for consistent action of change, remorse and consideration of YOUR feelings above those of OW. Not just talk, but action.

Chaplains and friends can be a big help. But don't let them talk/push you into something that doesn't feel right to you. Forgiveness is good, but don't worry about getting there right away. That will take time. You are still trying to decide if you want to stay in the M at all. Go very slow.......and decide what is best for you, what you want and what you can live with. You have some time. Don't let H dictate the plan that you must follow.

And a very important idea. You are allowed to change your mind. You are in an emotional hurricane and the outcome is unknown. It is uncharted territory........no road map of where to go and what to do. You need time to sort it out. And you just don't know what you want yet.

We have all been there. I felt pressured that I must know what to do and make my choice early. It was the simple advice that "I could always get divorced" that allowed me to try and work on my M for as long as I could knowing that I wasn't stuck with that decision if it couldn't be repaired to my satisfaction and happiness. At almost 2-1/2 years after d-day, I can say for sure that I am staying. It has taken me a long time to get there. But having the feeling that I wasn't trapped by that original decision has helped me move forward and try.

I am so sorry that you are in such a miserable situation. You can survive.

love is not the problem

you love him

[color:"red"] T R U S T [/color] is the problem

the good chaplin missed the target by a mile ! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/shocked.gif" alt="" />

you can forgive him when you are ready (after he consistently shows he has repented ~and~ has permanently changed his ways

you can (and do) love him

and you can both forgive him and love him and decide it is not a safe marriage where you can remain

they are S E P A R A T E issues....

the TRUST is the key

prayerfully

Pep

[color:"red"] T R U S T [/color] is not "won" .... it's not like the lottery

T R U S T is most like a [color:"blue"] paycheck [/color] that one [color:"purple"]earns [/color] with [color:"green"] hard effort [/color] and [color:"red"] reliability [/color] when it comes to [color:"blue"] ~getting the job done~[/color] !!!!!!!

not just talking about the job .... no one gets paid for ~that~

ACTIONS speak ... words mumble

Pep

DM, welcome to MB. I am so sorry for what you are going through. My H had 3 A's in the last 5.5 years. One of them lasted 2.5 years and resulted in an OC. We are slowly getting on the path to recovery. It is not an easy road to walk but only YOU can decide if you want/can do this. If you are a Christian, my suggestion is to pray, pray, pray for God's guidance and peace. I also recommend that your H get into IC to deal with his issues, get the book "Every Man's Battle" and the workbook that goes with it for him to read and work through. As for moving, that is the best idea. Often Dr. Harley recommends this as a means to ensure NC (no contact) between the infidels. Since the OW is only 6 weeks along you have plenty of time to see if your M is going to be able to recovery AND get your legal ducks in a row. We are here and we are all walking a similar path. {{DM}} those are hugs for you.

Ok I am sitting here crying both because I am devesated and because I have found people that I have never met that care and understand. We just got back from seeing an Atty. Which he was the one that initiated it. She told us our options which isn't much. Now we sit and wait until a DNA test is done when the baby it born. OW just sent another riculous letter saying that she is doing a "parenting guide". What a joke. She is acting like this child is here. As to everyones concerns and questions (thank you for responding) I have seen changes that I wanted to see the first 3 times. But I still don't know if they are real. One thing I have to say is that he gave up his job and the gym and those our 2 of his most precious passions. He also has stopped all contact with her. Although, he says it just happend 3 times it doens't matter it only took 1. Besides that he has had 3 others. He keeps wanting to pray with me which he never did before. He even broke down in front of the attorney. He has taken all of the first steps for us moving. He initated the conversation with our childern about us moving. The oldest was upset (7) my daughter is only 2. There are some things that I wnder if are just works and others are actions. He finally admitted to sleeping with the first one which was about 6 years ago. He said it was a short lived (about 3 months)relationship with everything but intercourse. How dumb did he think I was. Anyway, all of these years he stuck to that even with counseling. Now last night I looked him in the eye and said finally admit the truth and he did. I know this is probably jumbled by I am typing as I am thinking. I don't know if this means anything but he is having the Atty. draw up a paper stating that they can also talk to me about everything. I guess now I wait and it is in Gods hands. I just wish I had a sign to tell me that staying with him right now is the right thing to do. I know moving is the best thing we have wanted to go back to our home town for some time now. He just needs to finish 5 classes for his BA. I have suppported him through a tough job and school for 2 years now. When is it my turn. Now when we move we will have to live with family until we find some place and should that be together or apart. I have to think of my chldren and there life financially and he will have to finish school. I never thought it would be like this. He was supposed to finish school, find a new job then resign and we would find a bigger home. Now I have no idea what we are going to do. Even when he gets a job a chunk of that will go to OW and away from my kids. I am NOT saying money is everything but I wanted a decent house and things for my children just like any parent. I feel so lost. does it just come to you when you feel they are truly remorsful and sorrowful. I am sorry this is so long. I am so alone. My only best friend that I poured everything to was my H and now that is gone. I have no one to hold me and say it will be ok and mean it. I can't even have him touch my hand or except a glass of water from him. HELP!

DM, give it time. What his actions will tell you over time should be your sign. Trust your instincts too.

Sorry to hear this has happened to you and your kids. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />


I hope this woman has some health insurance to cover the cost of the medical treatments for her pregnancy and delivery etc..


Has your WH asked the OW (if the child ends up his) if she would considered giving the baby up for adoption? Better for this child to have a clean start void of all of this mess and being so unwanted.

Has your H given you any idea as to why he had 4 affairs in 7 years? What is his justification/excuse for this horrible behavior? What was he looking for when he had a "fling" with a classmate that he barely knew? It may make a difference to you as to whether he can stop doing it or not. He definately needs some counseling.

I understand your financial concerns as far as CS goes. It stinks. If you are not sure you can stay with your H, you may consider filing for legal separation and setting up CS for your own kids. Even if it is temporary. However, if he has quit his job, then there is nothing to be had at this point. Pay attention though. If OW files for CS before you (if it comes to that!), your kids may get CS based on what $$ is left after OW/OC are paid each month. You might want to look into this. It varies state to state.

I remember how devastating this is. Still is, when I remember the early days. Take strength where ever you can find it. Here, on MB or with friends. Do you have any friends or family members you can talk to about it? You will need someone.........it is a long tough road. I am not saying it wasn't worth it. Just long and hard. Whether you divorce or stay. There are no easy, pain free options now. Thank your H for that. He created this mess and your pain and your distrust and insecurity. He needs to step up and try to put this back together, if he can. You may be passed fixing up the M. After 4 affairs, you are certainly allowed to say "no more".

We are here to help. We have been there, too. I didn't find this board until I had been in the mess 6 months and OC had been born. How I wish I had these ladies experience earlier. But I was grateful when I found them. People who knew what it felt like and could understand the special circumstances and pain an OC adds to a A. What a blessing!

Here is something that you might want to consider, weather you decide to work it out or not file for CS right away. File before the OC is born. The first one that files get the most money. You will still have to pay but if you file first then you will get the most and she will get the lower amount. If she files first she will get a bigger chunch of the money.


It is very very important that all contact from OW is stopped until OC is born and dna test is proven to be his. this will give you some months to really concentrate on repairing the marriage. Until the OC is proven to be your H there is no need for any type of communication!! Have your H send her a certified letter stating that he is requesting that she in no way contact him or you by any means Physically, letter, email, text, etc..... until the OC is born and then she can contact your lawyer, giving her the lawyer name, phone number and address for which then the lawyer will set up a time for a DNA test. If it is proven to be yours then the lawyer will set up a court date for CS and visitation if you guys decide on contact. If your H is really serious then he will have no prob with sending the letter to give you guys time to heal.

I do not want to get your hopes up but I do see some positive actions from him, with giving up his two passions to avoid contact with OW, those are good signs.

Him giving permission to talk to you (my h did this too with lawyer, CSO, courts, insurance) is showing that he is not wanting to hide nothing from you, that he wants you to have a choice in the matter

Admitting after all these years that he did lie about what you already knew..... He has hit rock bottom, wants it all out in the open so that all issues can be addressed and you can start with a whole clean slate, plus it shows that maybe he knows, no more lies, even little white lies at this time of trust issue is not a good thing.

Those are positive steps, but they are ONLY ONE OF MANY, and you will just have to wait and see if they continue, to see if he really means it this time.

Get the lines of communication open and do alot of heart to heart talk, it will be hard to believe in anything he says but it is a important step, work every day to keep that line open.

Keep us posted hun!

They will look at his last year income tax returns and base it on that, they will say that you was cabable of making that so your CS payments will be this, get a job to get it paid, or find yourself in heap of trouble, (besides the back payment growing, jail, driver license suspended, credit ruined, and income taxes with held)

I am glad this can be done! I guess they would if it was OW filing.......so it should be true for the W and COM! I didn't get this far in my divorce filing, so I wasn't sure how it was done.

Thanks, Thunderstorm.

I know I am back again. I find that right now this site and communicating with you wonderful people is all I have right now. Ok this is where I am at at this point. H and I have been having heart to hearts all day well as much as we can w/o the kids hearing us. OW actually, filed the other day but we obviously don't have to do anything until it is proven. Although, we have retain an atty. and she is handling everything from this point on. H has only had contact via email about a week after he found out. The last email he sent it was to ask if she really thought he was going to leave his family. Well that fueled her fire. then he came out to where I was (we were visiting family he came out a week earlier then planned) he told me allof this. Then about a day after he told me she texted him. I don't him if he was serious that there were no feelings then he should call her and tell her not to contact him except via email and to order a DNA test. Then I said I would listen and for him to NOT let her know. Well, he did all of that. From that point on he has made no contact and I for once in my life know that that is true. He came back 4 days before us and when he was here alone any move he made he had his mother with. And since I have been back he hasn't left my side. I don't know if these things are good or bad right or wrong good signs or nothing at all. OW hasn't been able to make contact with him anyway being that he was forced to resign. They cut his email and cell off immediatly. She started trouble at his work. Anywasy that is why she sent this certified letter today. In her note she said that she has to know way to contact him and would like a number (like that is going to happend). She also said that she wants to do this without the messy legal costs and time. It doesn't matter because our Atty. will be sending her a letter stating that she is our counsel. With all of the investigating tha I have done and reading all of her emails and letters I honelty feel she new what she was doing. I am by NO MEANS EXCUSING MY H he is 110% to blame but I feel she looked for an easy target. I think she felt that because of the work he was in that he had money. I base that on the fact that she took it upon her self to estimate how much CS she would get. The OC isn't even here yet or has even been proven to be his. As far as your concerns about money...We are going to have to take his pention early and be pentalized on it. But we really don't have much choice. Also, we will have the sell of the house. As soon as we get settled when we move and he is and school and we have all of our schedules planned he will have to find something until he finishes and finds a new career. We have been working for this for so long and for my childrens sake he needs to finish school. I am fortunate that our finances will be ok for a few months. Thats all I need. I hope this makes sense and I am sorry for the long posts. But this is the only comfort I have right now besides prayer and looking at my childrens faces. Am I a fool for saying or thinking that maybe I should work on my M? I keep telling myself that I am going to stick it out for my kids as long as i can. Now I wonder if that is just an excuse for me to stay with him. Oh another thing he has done is go to his parents with everything. He went to his Father as a broken Man, Son, Husband and father. I know that was hard especially that he was raised in a family with strong family values, morals and religion. I pray I am not scaring anyone away with my long posts. Once I get started I can't stop. thank you to all that care. I may not know you ladies but it is comforting to her your advice and realize i am not alone

real quick call me spacy but what does the "D" mean when someone has there kids down and it say DS11 or DD 10

Belle, your welcome. And yeppers they do that so fathers cant just quit there job to get out of CS. What also bites about it is that they used my H's last year income tax...... when I found out what he did with a co-worker, I said quit the job or leave... he quit, so that meant he had to start all over again, bottom of the pole so not making as much money. Which was fine with me. Marriage is more imporant then money. BUT they based it on his old job because of the taxes. SUCKS!!