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How do I know what is right? Do I stay do I go? Am I wrong for having these thoughts? I know the right thing is to stay and try and work on it but I am tired. I am tired of being pushed down with disappointment.

We got another letter this weekend from the OW now she wants and Amnio done. At first I couldn't wait til the OC was born to find out I wanted to know now. Now I am scared and wish I had more time to figure things out. I am afraid of what might happend when we find out in 4 weeks. Her claim is that she wants to find out so both "parties" can get on with there lives. How do I deal with this? How do I put things aside and work on our marriage? How do I look at my H and say "yes you are what I want and this will work". The letter this weekend was a major set back for me. Between this and moving I feel like I can't breathe. I know moving is the right thing.

Does anyone of any self help books that may touch on this subject?

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I am so glad to hear from you again I have been thinking about you.

Hun I really wished that you would send that letter of NC even if test comes back positive that it is your H there is still no reason for her to contact you guys till the baby is yours, that will still give you time to work on rebuilding the marriage. See how the letters bring you down, you dont need that right now. Her not sending her letters will let you focus on what is important, you and your marriage.

The only good thing about getting the test done is finding out for sure. If it turns out to not to be your H then that is one less thing you will have to worry about, and much sooner of finding out.

I dont know but wonder and hopefully someone will be able to answer if the amino is as accurate as a DNA, if it is not and you have it done and come out postive still have the DNA to double check.

I understand your fear of the test. Some days I was so hopeful that the OC was not my H, I wanted the test fast so I could get the good news and move on, but somedays I didnt want the answer cause then it would confirm my nightmare into a reality. And somedays I was just so sick of the roller coaster of emotions I just wanted it over with.

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How do I know what is right? Do I stay do I go?

That question you will constantly ask yourself, all you can do is take it one day at a time, sometimes you need to listen to your gut, to your heart and sometimes you need to listen to your head on what to do.

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I am tired of being pushed down with disappointment.

Did something happen? Is your H still showing all the postive actions?

With all the stress that you under with the move, try to find one hour a day to do something for yourself. Walk thru the park, soaking in a bubble bath, anything that you can enjoy, give yourself some time to step back and breathe.

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Does anyone of any self help books that may touch on this subject?

Sorry I dont know of any, I had to do it the hard way and figure it out myself. I hear others mention so many good books on here I am sure they will pass it on, I wished I would of known about them when I was in the beginning so I wouldnt of been so confused and alone.


When you learn to forgive someone who has really hurt you and forget the wound that they have caused, then you truly love that person.
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T-storm, thank you for caring. Our Attorney was sending out the letter of NC on Wed. So hopefully OW gets it by today. I probably shoudn't have accepted it but I was curious. I pray now that there are no more letters. We even told the Atty. to put in there that when the OC is born to contact her office instead. Fortunatley, OW doesn't have our TX#. It is sad that one stupid letter can bring me down so fast.

H is still trying his hardest by actions more so that just words. But I still second guess everything he does.

I have read "surviving and affair" and "after the affair" nothing really touches on this situation. I guess my only hope is to read this site and get advice from wonderful people like you. H has read this site on his own and brought to my attention that it can work and that there are so many in our situation and they are working it out. He is right but I still don't know how to cope and try moving forward.

As far as the amnio DNA I think that is pretty accurate. We have to talk to the Atty. about that. If anyone knows about that please advise me.

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If you are over 35yrs old then they will do an amnio to check the number in the child's dna markers to make sure it does not have down syndrome, ect... I would have to imagine it would have to be accurate in order to check for genetic disorders ect.

I had one for genetic testing. I know you can have a dna test done with the results because it checks the genetic markings. I think they only give it at a certain time between 10-12 weeks otherwise it gets riskier. I am not sure on the weeks you can google that if you want.
If she is going to get the test anyway to check for abnormalities then that is a good idea.

I would have you attorney arrange the test and have the lab send you a copy directly , do not wait for the OW to give you the results you never know if she can forge a test paper to show you. Have the attorney contact her and ask for the DR name directly and the day the test is scheduled for to make sure it is actually happening and then have them send a copy of the dna results to a lab that you and your husband hire to compare with the dna sample your husband gives them. You know this does not have to be done on the same day as her amnio so do not let her try that crap. If the test is negative great sue her for the money for the test, if not you and her split the cost of the dna test. I swear it does sound like she is an old pro at this.


ALL OW DON'T RESPOND OR COMMENT ON ANYTHING I POST EVER. I'M NOT HERE TO SPEAK TO U! I am here to speak to other BSs that Can relate to my situation and OUR shared experiences. I COULD CARE LESS WHAT ANY OW HAS TO SAY ABOUT ANYTHING, EVER!
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Ok who is ready for this one. I was just served today with and "order of injuction of harrassment" against me. The day I found out I called her 3 times she kept hanging up. I didn't even get to say anything but please don't hang up. What really cracks me up with the system is that she even states in the request that I said please don't hang up and the last thing she said to me was "don't f--call back". Well we talked to our Atty. and I talked to the person who served it and both said it pretty much means nothing unless I contact her. Well no problem here we are moving across the county Saturday. That takes guts considering she has all most suceeded in ruining my life. She is not the victim I am. That's our wonderful court system. The only thing that bothers me for some reason is that I really wanted to find out what she looks like. But it is not worth getting in trouble. I have never even had a traffic ticket. Thankful this doesn't go on your record. I looked into all of that.

As far as the DNA our Atty. contact the judge by phone and he said if he rules on the court order that she can do this with the amnio he will allow us to do it where we move to and keep it on file. At least that is one thing in our favor (if you want to look at it that way) Oh she also put in her petition that she will pay 100% of the cost. Am I supposed to thank her. Well, once the judge makes a motion on the petition we will take it from there. She should have recieved the NC letter by today from the lawyer.

The more that happens I believe she targeted my H and swooped in. (I am not saying that he isn't guilty because this wasn't his first A). I am sorry like I said before a women with 3 kids (by 2 different guys) doesn't get PG by accident. Yes my H shouldn't have been irresponsible either but come on as a women you should KNOW!!!!!

As for H he has been still moving ahead with his changes but when I get set backs like I did today and I just not sure if I am willing to do it. Although, right now I have no choice with the move and all. I am trying to step back and look at all of the changes and believe they are permenant but i am so scared. He seems sincere and remorsful but I still second guess everything. I just get frustrated that after all of these years and with such a horrific thing that happend he is finally showing me why I married him and fell in love with him. But is it too late???????

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Ok who is ready for this one. I was just served today with and "order of injuction of harrassment" against me. The day I found out I called her 3 times she kept hanging up. I didn't even get to say anything but please don't hang up.


Boy you are one that I dont want to be on the bad side of LOL LOL!!!

Let the OW fun begin!! Put a post up asking others for OW stories and watch you get flooded with responses. One reason
I am glad that we are NC, one less headache for me. And yours sound like yours had some experience in this. Must of graduated from OW 101 at the top of her class.

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The only thing that bothers me for some reason is that I really wanted to find out what she looks like.

I had that need too, I had seen her from a distance coming out of her work and passing by on the road, but never saw her up close. It use to drive me crazy, with wondering if she is prettier, and all that that. And my stomach would get in knots when I was uptown and saw a woman with a baby and wondered if that was her. I finally did get to see her at court (there is your chance right there when it is time to go to court) and I could hardly sit still with glee when I saw how butt ugly she was :-)

Do you know when the test is going to be done yet?? Let me know so I can cross every finger and toes for you. I did like that she said to you "find out for sure so you can move on with your life" makes it sound like that she is not even postive. When we recieved the papers for paternity there was more then one possiable fathers listed that was to be tested, makes me feel very justified in calling her a slut, so I did have some hope, but luck wasnt on our side.

I am so GLAD that you guys moved ahead and gave her the NC letter!! Good for you!! You dont need her to be setting you back, what you have to deal with is enough. It is normal to go one step ahead and 3 steps back. That will continue for a while. With time it will less often to happen.

Your fear is going to be around for a while, time and the continued work of your H will help ease that. I am not sure that it will ever go completely away, but I do know it will get less.

You discovered the A, the shell of the marriage has been shattered into a million pieces, your asking can all the king horses and all the kings men's put this marriage together again?

I think your first step to help you is that your power to negotiate necessary changes will never be greater than in this moment, and you should not deal it away too quickly. He must know, and believe, that the sky will fall if he has one more escapade or even a serious flirtation with another lover. You must convince him that you mean business. You must also stress that from here on out that you two must be a united front, that together you will stand side by side and deal with this together.

Be very honest with your feelings, he cannot try to help change things if he dosnt know what is going on inside you. Opening up to the one that hurt you is asking alot, but if your H is really trying then he needs to know what he is up against.

With time and his continued action you will need to search your soul, to find the answer of if you can forgive him. Right now still so fresh in your discovery, that answer will not be able to answer, you are still there, that shows that you are least thinking of it. Keep in mind while you are sorting things out that forgiviness dosnt mean that you are saying what he did was ok, and just because you forgive donst mean you will forget. But it is a good thing for you, not him, when you do find it in your heart to forgive, my wound really started to heal when I finally decided to forgive (and it was months down the road before I did)

Let me ask you this? You have mentioned that you stayed because of the kids? Is that the only reason? Was there any part of you that stayed because of your love for him and wanting to make it work?

Some marriages cant withstand a A and they are not able to overcome the hurt and the guilt. but you will see here that many do, we here are the proof that you might want to hold onto to show that it can work, that it can be better marriage then before.

But even if not, even if you find that you can not because it was to much for you to bear or because of your H continued actions, either way you have friends here that will support you in whatever decision that you make.

Just take it one day at a time hun, and even if that seems to much then go hour by hour.

Hugs


When you learn to forgive someone who has really hurt you and forget the wound that they have caused, then you truly love that person.
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Ok you need to fight the injunction. It can be used against you in the future if you do not try to at least fight it. you can do this without a lawyer, the burden of proof is on her. It only takes one hearing and if she doesn't show for the hearing then you win.

You need to take it to court and make her prove it! You can't help that her phon or your phone was all staticy and you couldn't hear clearly and tried to call back a couple of times.


ALL OW DON'T RESPOND OR COMMENT ON ANYTHING I POST EVER. I'M NOT HERE TO SPEAK TO U! I am here to speak to other BSs that Can relate to my situation and OUR shared experiences. I COULD CARE LESS WHAT ANY OW HAS TO SAY ABOUT ANYTHING, EVER!
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very good point Cordella, you shouldnt let her get away with making false statements about you. It is very easy for anyone to get a order, without proof.

After readying Cordella post it made me think that what happens if something serious did come in the future and you did need to defend yourself that you did not do whatever, no this is not on your record but there will be a paper trail, it will be known that at one time you had one served on you.


When you learn to forgive someone who has really hurt you and forget the wound that they have caused, then you truly love that person.
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Well, look at it this way. All this crazy action on her part is just pushing your H far away from her and probably sealing his stance that NC is best. She is acting like a total nut job.

I agree with the others, fight the injunction.

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All this crazy action on her part is just pushing your H far away from her and probably sealing his stance that NC is best

see there is a sliver lining to every dark cloud :-)

go to be gone for little over a week. Hang in there hun and will check on you when i get back


When you learn to forgive someone who has really hurt you and forget the wound that they have caused, then you truly love that person.
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Ok we have finished our move across country. We made it sound and safe with all 4 of us 3 fish and 1 snail. H and I have had some heart to hearts but I still am having a difficult time. You do alot of thinking traveling across 9 states in a car. I still don't have the answers. Will I ever? As far as fighting the injuction it just isn't possilbe now. I wish I could but it is too much right now.

Ok now we wait to see if the judge grants OW the prenatal DNA test. In a way I hope he does but then I wish we had more time. If it is granted it won't be for at least 3 more weeks. Somebody tell me I am doint the right thing by trying to work on my marriage. I don't even know how to work on things anymore. So much damage has been done over the years. He claims he has changed and I do see some things different, but the fact remains he cheated on me for 3/4 of our marriage off and on. Now this! Is it possible to reconcile?

I know being back here is a good thing because all of the bad started when we moved out west 8 years ago.

Any advice to get these gross visions of them outof my head? Even though I have no idea what this one looks like.

Do I destroy my kids or do I stay and see what happens? I know I sound pathetic and confused but I am!!!!!!

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Ok, DM lets get you off the subject of the possible OC and on to healing your M if that is what you want. I assume you do since you moved with him. The pictures in your head will go away in time but what you can do is when the appear push them away with positive thoughts. You CAN heal if he has really made the decision to change. Only time will tell. What will it hurt or change if you give it time? You will not destroy your kids by D'ing though it is very hard on them, so don't be a martyr just for them. Have you picked up the book "Surviving An Affair" yet? If not do so right away.


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DM, click on the link What the WS and BS must do to recover and print out the article. Perhaps you and your H can read it together.


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It's a tough call... I was watching an old Dr. Phil on the Tivo this morning... I thought these 7 questions to ask yourself about your (F?)WH are important...

Dr. Phil’s Seven Questions for whether or not to try again…

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An affair does not necessarily foretell the end of a relationship. How do you decide if you should stay, or cut your losses and move on? Dr. Phil has seven questions to ask to determine if your cheating partner deserves a second chance.
1. Is this an isolated event or a pattern? (History of cheating, flirting, inappropriate behavior with other women, websites, pornography, etc.)
2. Does your partner own his bad behavior or make excuses for it?
3. Does he have insight into how he's hurt you or is he oblivious?
4. Is he sorry for his choice or sorry he got caught?
5. Is he willing to clean up his act, or is he in denial?
6. Is this out of character or does he have an insensitive gene?
7. Is this a legacy or new behavior? (Did he have important male role models who cheated on their wives?)

The previous seven questions you asked of your partner. One major question you have to ask of yourself is: If you reinvested in this relationship and allowed yourself to trust, and your partner cheated, do you have the depth and strength to recover from it, or would you be emotionally bankrupt?

Dr. Phil says this final question is the deal-breaker. If you can confidently say that you would have the courage to recover, you can move forward in your relationship with a spirit of optimism.


Beware, even if he passes the test (my H did for the most part, except #1) these patterns are extremely ingrained. Not just patterns to cheat, but patterns of selfishness, immaturity, codependency, and so on. It takes time and a lot of work to break out of it, for both of you.

MSA


BW 43 me
FWH 39
M 1992; DD 18. 13
OC 8-05 - no contact
In recovery 8 years
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Our favorite resources were: everything on this site (including quizzes!), counseling, and "After the Affair" by Janis Abram Spring.

DM---you don't have to decide today. You can say as I did, that you'll give H 1 or 2 years to work hard on this marriage, that you'll both give it all you've got and THEN re-evaluate how it's going. I call it "probation". Within a couple years, it really should be better if you're WORKING on the marriage (ala above resources). And if not, you will be able to say you really gave it your all, rather than wonder what would have happened if you tried.

Keep in mind, if you drop your marriage now, you'd both take all your marital quirks/issues/problems into the next relationship and nothing will really be solved.

So give it a try! I know it's hard... Hang in there.
J
married 19y and counting
3 COM
8yo OC


Do not wait for leaders; do it alone, person to person. -Mother Teresa
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It has been awhile since I have been here. I think I need to come back and vent. I feel like I am going to break. I hate living like this. Becuase H decided to quit his job, finish school, moves us across country (to be back with family and be away from OH) and moves us into my sisters. How do I try and feel our M. I tried to bring down the wall a few weeks ago and I just can't. I did give into my feelings but it didn't last long. I just can't forgive and try to move on. I don't know what to do. I just don't know if I can try to heal this marriage while everything is still up in the air.

A quick update....OW said petitioned for a prenatal DNA and she would pay for it. We agreed. A judge finally signed the order and granted it. Ok so H called the DNA place there is one where we are. They said she set up and account but they haven't heard from her. So they contacted her doctor and he said that he told her he refused to do it. Well all of this time she said that he approved it. It is even in the court papers that she filled out. Our Atty. now has to figure out whats going on. They haven't heard from her in awhile. She finally stopped sending them nasty "fatal attraction letters". So again we wait.

I just feel like I can't move on and start to heal our marriage until I know the truth. Is that normal? I know H is trying and wants to but I can't. So do we stay like this until OC is born? Life sucks!!!!!!!!

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DM, have you read any of the books recommended here? What is your H doing to make ammends and change? Is he transparent? Is he repentent? Sweetie, this takes time which is why we all said use this time before OC is born to work on the M. It is a process.


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hello DM

i've read your posts and would like to add inputs based on my personal experience.

First i can feel that your H is sincere in his effort to rebuild your family, so you should at least give him a chance to prove over a period of time how sincere and dedicated he is.

I know its hard but you have to accept that you've been through storm but soon the storm will pass and everything will be ok -- this are just trials a year or two from now you will just look back and remember how it has been today

Be well informed meaning ---> you should read a lot of articles about how others have gone through infidelity and survived, read about emotional needs and coping with infidelity, read and read

I know the road ahead is not easy but you will have to deal with what is happening one day at a time. Since the OC is not there yet and is not yet proven to be that of your H you should try to concentrate on you, your H and your kids (your family) period

Stop communicating with the OW because she will just ruin your life with all the things she will do and say (as the others have advised you should cut all communications with her and messages or updates should be through your lawyer)

In my experience, we have more peace of mind when all communications from the OW stopped (i ignore her when she texted me, we changed phone numbers, we cut communication lines)

Be strong, for you and especially for your kids. Stop caring about the OW.. she is doing all she could to upset you and finally give up on your M so that she could have your H for her own. She is very ambitious indeed.. And dont give in to all her demands, she dont have any right to demand anything...

and also pray that God will grant you peace and more courage to face each day.

From all of us who've been there and still fighting and or on the road to recovery, we understand how you are feeling and we are all here for you

Hugs to you

denise


dday aug 05
ds was 4 and dd was 3 months old when the A happened
he went home sept 05; stayed for 3 weeks and left us again for ow after 3 weeks
he left preggy ow end of oct 05 and stayed with us since then

we are no contact and recovering
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I am so torn. We just found out OC is H's. What do i do. Does no contact really work? Especially if OW is psyco. I thought in this 9 months I would know what I would want but I don't anymore. I love him but I just don't think it is enough. What about my precious babies??? H doesn't want anything to do with OW he barely even knows her. I was a very short lived A unlike like his last one. He has had some major changes but I just don't know. I feel like I have been stripped of choices. I am a stay at home Mom and I love it but if we D then I can't. Actually, I can't stay home either way because now we have to figure out CS. Our ATTy. is working on that. OW doesn't have one I hope that works out for us.

Is it wrong that I wish we didn't have to pay anything. H didn't want this baby it was her choice not his. Who anyway at the age of 38 gets PG by accident. She now has 4 kids by 3 different fathers. My H pretty much knows her last name and that's about it. They had a class together. He really is working on us and say he would fight NOT to get divorced but I just don't know that I could live life knowing there is another child out there that is his. What makes me even more sad is that I wanted another child. That is not going to happen. Someone please help me. I don't know what to do. I can't even think clear. What should I do.

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Good morning, DM. I am glad you came back. So DNA proved the OC to be your H's? If your H and you want NC with OC, it is OK. C only works if both H/W can agree on it and it sounds as though your H is not interested anyway. It really is ok. As for OW is harrassing you in anyway then think about getting an order of protection against her. In the meantime take whatever steps necessary to protect your family.

Yes, you can recover from this. What have you and your H been doing to recover your marriage?

No, it is not wrong to wish that this didn't happen and that he didn't have to pay. The problem is he took the risk, it goes with the territory. I know it seems unfair because OW gets the choice of carrying the pregnancy and keeping the child. I wish it were different but now your H will pay for this mistake for 18 years. Try to think of it as taking care of the child, not the money going to OW.

Give yourself some time. You have been hurt badly by all this. We are here for you. {{{DM}}}


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me: FWW/BS 52 H: FWH/BS 49
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DD 21
DS 15
OCDS 8
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