Hello,

Okay, of course this has to do with my own relationship but I am gonna ask these questions about how you guys feel, because women are just wired differently...

1. As a man, if you are in love...Would spending weekends only with your woman be enough?

2. If you work about 15 minutes away from your GF but live about 45 minutes away..consider you get off work between 6 or 7 and work 10 to 11 hour days...Would you rather come see her for an hour or two or just go home and spend time with her on weekends?

Thanks for answering....(p.s. I am sure as soon as women a thread that says "question for men" they'll wanna to respond, it's in our blood, so go for it.

Well, I can't answer for the men, but I can answer for my husband from when we dated and even now when he works 10-11 hour days.

If he worked a 10 or 11 hour day he wanted to go home and sleep, not that he didn't WANT to spend time with me, He did, but he was phyiscally and emotionally exhausted after such a long day.

And he was content to spend time with me on the weekends when he was rested.

Put yourself in his position Anna, if you worked 10 or 11 hours a day, and had almost an hours drive home, would you want to stay awake for another hour or two and then drive that hours drive home when your really exhausted, and knowing you had to get up early the next day and do it again?

That's an hours drive to work, 10-11 hours at work, another hours drive home thats 12-13 hours, he gets home makes and eats dinner, gets a shower and unwinds from the day thats another 2 hours, talks on the phone to you for a bit, and that might give him 7-8 hours sleep, MAYBE depending on how long you talk.

Even now, if my husband works 10-11 hour days he wants to come home get a shower grab a bite to eat and go straight to bed. Thankfully, he doesn't work 10-11 hour days very often, but when he does, he's usually tired at the end of the day.

Hi TR. Last night after posting this, I was talking to Lucks and a light went off...I remembered the days I worked 11 or 12 hours a day and I would not have wanted to come to his house. I get off work very early, so of course I would be more than happy to go to his house.

I think since he had changed jobs and was closer to me, I just had a moment of "stupidity". Also, "that time of the month", let's face it, my brain thinks differently, I should not take anything I think seriously during this week. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

Thanks for the help.

Anna

I get those moments of "stupidity" too. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Its actually selfish in disguise.

Thats why nowdays I rambled it down here in writing...to get some perspective.

I just have to wonder why ask us instead of asking him.

Every guy will be different. So to set expectations of what he "should" want based on what I or any other guy wants is just asking for trouble.

It sounds like you've figured that out. I wish you well.

Enlightened,

Good question. It is just my personality to sort out my feelings, get opinions and then talk to him about things.

Here's a little of what's been going on. I've been wanting us to spend more time together through the week for several reasons, 1. so we can see how we are with every day life. You ever heard of the "weekend Disney dad"? Because we only spend every other weekend together and the opposite weekends we usually just have one date, and we rarely see each other on week days, I feel like we have the "weekend Disney romance".

Last week for the first time in about a year we got to spend the entire week together, it was wonderful. We spent half the week at his house and half the week at mine. But that was just one week and it probably won't happen for another year or so.

Just FYI, We never spend the night together when my boys are home.

Last night I asked him if he wanted to come for dinner. He said, "It's kind of late." So I said, "Oh okay" We said are good byes and I hung up and thought, "Are men just different? He never wants to come over during the week and spend a couple of hours after work. It's only 6:30 and I don't think it's that late, I love every moment we get to spend together. Shouldn't he be excited to get to see me when he hasn't seem me in a few days? Is this a man thing? or Is it that we have an unbalanced relationship where I want to see him more than he wants to see me?" AND for some stupid reason, it never ever occurred to me at the time that for 1, it is that time of the month and I always question things more, and 2, I got off work at 4:00, which is a big, big difference. When I had to work over time a few months ago and I would get off at 6:30 or 7:00, I would have not been in the mood to go anywhere but home.

So, anyway, today I am fine with knowing that he was just tired and needed to go home.

So, now I guess I am still back to, "How can we make our relationship less of a "Disney romance" and more real to life to see if we really are compatible. As it is right now in two years we have never got in an argument. We debate, we disagree but we just don't really argue. Are we compatible or is it just we don't have real life things to compare to? The little time we spend together, we have fun, we go out, go to the movies, go shopping....we will be driving along going to one place and he or I will say, "I was needing this or wanting to do this." and the next thing you know, we are heading in another direction and doing something spontaneous. We just seem to click, but it's the weekend and there's no responsibilities, no children, just the two of us, usually.

We do things with the boys too, but usually just fun things and usually on my weekends with the boys. He also meets me a lot when the boys have a game or meet, and he has even helped me volunteer at a meet for my older son. So I guess that's real life things, but just doesn't seem enough to determine if we are really compatible.

But how in the world when he lives in one direction and me in another, will we be able to go beyond this "fun romance" into a more true to life relationship?

Does my problem make sense?

(It could still be that time of month talking and maybe next week I will realize, I had no problem, the grass is green and the sky is blue and the world is beautiful again.... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />)

Anna

Anna,

I completely sympathize with your concerns about the "Disneyland Dating" thing. I believe that your concerns are valid. As I said many times, that is why I question LDRs, because it ends up being nothing more than mini vacations, without the need or opportunity to get into the real issues, ones that might cause disagreements.

For instance, when G and I spend the weekends without my kids, it's always great. It's just like you described - there are no responsibilities, it's easy to be spontaneous, everything seems to be easy and effortless. But as we know, that is a mini-vacation <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. The minute the kids come into the mix, or the other chores/errands need to be done, it's a whole different story. Those are the times when G and I have had some "misunderstandings" - and IMO, if you and J do not spend much of that time together, you are not seeing the reality of married life. Like I have told others, you can spend months or years "dating" each other, but if it is little more than fun dates, you really don't know the other person, or how compatible you are. Then people say "gosh, we've been dating two years, never argued, we must be compatible", but time has very little to do with it if you avoided real life situations and real insightful discussions on how you will manage money, kids, etc etc.

Anyway, I think the way you spend time together (every other weekend together, and only one "date" on the "kid" weekends) is not enough to get you past the Disneyland dating scenario. I would ask you why he does not spend the weekend with you when you do have your kids. If it's been two years, why not spend some real time together as a group?

Now, regarding your original question, it is an interesting one. G and I just had an argument over this very issue <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />, and I am afraid that I came out on the same as J, as if I did not want to see her as much as she wanted to see me. So maybe it is a "man thing", I dunno. But yet your story made me see just how different I am from J, and I still got blamed for not "putting in" enough effort, which is kinda funny by comparison to J. Here's my story:

G was going to visit her family for two weeks, leaving on Sat morning. I was going to follow her, leaving about three days after her. So the previous weekend, we spent the entire weekend together (Fri-Tue morning), and we talked about seeing each other on Thu night, just before she was to leave. Thu night was my only "non-kid" night that week, so I felt like I was devoting my onle free night in a week to seeing G, which I did gladly. But then, G said that I seemed hesitant about seeing her before she left, and she thought that I should have been more excited about it. I told her that I had a ton of things to do, and that I had the kids, and that I really needed to get some errands done, and that still, in the end, I decided to go see her, so what's the problem? Besides, I was going to be with her for a whole week in just a few days anyway. Well, she felt that I should have been more "excited" about it, and that no errands are more important than seeing each other. Well, I hate to say it, but I immediately viewed this as the "here we go again" thing, that it's easy for her to say that nothing should be more important than seeing each other, given that she has no kids, but that seemed to ignore the fact that I don't live the single lifestyle, and I do have to raise kids, and deal with all that goes with it, including grocery shopping, cooking, etc etc...

What got me even more cranky is that after all this, I offered to drive her to the airport on Sat morning, so that she could spend Fri night with us. Well, she thought about it, and said that she'd rather not, that she needs to finish laundry, and pack, and she's stressed about the trip, and it would be too hard to pack and unpack at my house, then to repack again, blah blah. I agreed with her, but pointed out that it seemed strange to me that she viewed me wanting to do my errands as not being "excited" to see her, but that she viewed her issues with laundry and packing as "non-negotiables". Well, she didn't agree at all - she still felt that it was "normal" for me to forgo my errands in order for us to see each other, but that her Fri evening was non-negotiable.

Anyway, I don't mean to threadjack, but I just wanted to illustrate that this "you should be excited to see me" thing seems to be a common thread - and that depending on the person, there may be no pleasing them. It probably is a sign of one person being more "into it" than the other, or maybe just a difference in personalities, I dunno. I know that for me, I don't like that kind of pressure, that I have to be "excited" about seeing someone - to me, if I weren't exicted, I wouldn't be making the time to see them. I know it sounds un-MB like, but I just don't know if I can put on this "I am so excited" act every time we see each other - it seems very artificial.

Well, I don't know if I helped any, I think I actually confused myself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

This seems to be a common problem for so many of us in a break-neck busy world filled with complex blended family post-divorce relationships, etc.

No easy answers. Lots of adult-level, honest, transparent communication is required to make it through this maze.

I have to say, that I've taken to insisting on doing more "real life" type of things together vs "Disney Land" dates only. If my partner isn't into sharing chores & common tasks & daily life stuff, that's become an automatic disqualifier for me.

Marriage is my ultimate goal. If someone won't participate in reality dating, then I already know we're not going to be compatible in reality marriage.

Please 'scuse the threadjack......

AGG,Let me translate this for you, b/c I kind of think I MAY know what G is thinking here (being a woman myself <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />).......See, your night of errands could possibly wait so you can see her b/c they prob are not ones that have to be done by a certain time frame, you know, w/ a dead line, as opposed to G's who HAVE to be completed that night b/c she is flying out the next day. No wiggle room there.

See the difference? I know what you are thinking.....why the big deal? You right. It's not a big deal, but women, generally, we have these little bitty tests (I've done them too, not proud of it) when we are feeling insecure about our relationships (and I'm thinking b/c of the latest events b/w you and G and your almost breakup, that she still not feeling 100% about things) to see just how into us our guys are.....

I'm thinking this may have played some part w/ your issue too, initialy, Anna......I'm sure it crossed your mind that, hey, maybe he's not into me as much/loves me as much/ b/c if he did, he'd want to see me as much as possible, no matter the day or time! Am I wrong here?

You know, I've often said/think that it's amazing that men and women manage to stay together. We just are SOOOO different on so many levels. Not to sound cliche, but the Mars/Venus thing does have some merit.

DW

Threadjack.

AGG, what happened to backing off? Sounds like G is doing the tit for tat thing to me. Otherwise know as keeping score. Testing to see how much you're willing to give of what she askes as proof of your love. Kinda shows she's not really getting the family responsibility stuff.

OK, back to disney dating. I completely agree with the reality check. Life's not all fun stuff. Who wouldn't be their best going out for dinner, visiting theme parks, museums etc.?

I might even use the term disney dating on my profile on a dating site. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> I like it!

OK, Anna is gonna come here soon and beat us up for the threadjack <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.. but maybe there's some relevance to her situation, I dunno...

DW:


Thanks for the translation, DW <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. You are absolutely right, that is exactly how she saw it - errands can be flexed, but her schedule could not. Understood. But here's the rub - it is all a matter of perspective. And once again, for n-th time, I did not need G to agree with me - but to at least agree that there may be two valid perspectives, and that it would do us good to validate each other. I went out of my way to validate her position, and said that I understood that she felt stressed and could not make the time to see me. Fine. My beef was that she did not seem to be able to validate that perhaps, just perhaps, my feelings of stress and being overwhelmed with my own getting ready for the trip, getting some errands done, and having my kids around the whole time, were just as valid. See what I mean? That would have meant a lot to me.

Instead, she said that her schedule was fixed and left no wiggle room, but mine could and should be flexed in order for us to meet. Well, this is where my Taker comes in, and says to me "Geez, AGG, sure she can make it happen if she wanted to - after all, she sits there all week with nothing but free time on her hands, and it is only by her own choice to sleep and rest that she cannot get her laundry done for the whole week - if seeing each other was so important to her, why can't she get her butt out of bed an hour earlier, or spend an hour less getting ready, and get her laundry done?". Like I said, "no wiggle room" is a matter of perspective. I am OK with validating her needs, but I get nervous (or my Taker does?) when my needs don't seem to get validated.

We talked about it at length afterwards, but I don't think she gets it. She did go as far as saying that perhaps she just does not get how much work I have to do in my daily life, because I make it seem so easy and effortless. I think there may be some truth to it. And certainly when I do all that I do in my daily life, and then see how little G "accomplishes" in her time, I see a huge gap. But what do I do? I don't want to whine all the time about how hard it is to be a single dad with responsibilities; but if I don't, and I feel that G does not see it and then thinks that I am not putting in enough of an effort, then that doesn't work either.

I dunno. Like I said, I know how she sees it, and that is fine. But I am bothered that she does not seem to see my point of view. I don't want to be "right", I just want to hear her say that she appreciates that it ain't easy being a single dad, and that me spending essentially all of my free time with her is a lot more than many people seem to do.

nams:


As far as backing off, we agreed to spend the weekends together, but not the weeknights, to give us each some time to ourselves. And that has been working well. This week was an exception, because she was heading out on vacation a few days ahead of me and we were going to miss our normal weekend together.

But I agree with you, this seems to be a glass half empty vs. half full issue. To me, we just spent four days together, and after a five day break, were going to spend another whole week together. So, using Anna's example, this should be heaven <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. And that is how I saw it too - we spent lots of time together, and would again in a few days - so why can't I spend the few days in between taking care of my kids and then the one single free evening I have to myself as an opportunity to do some errands that are sorely neglected? But to her, she was not focusing on all the "together time" we had, but on the five days apart. To her, the idea of five days apart was awful, and we needed to do all we could to see each other during that time. Ugh.

I can't say that she's wrong (she's not), but I also know that to me, five days apart, in the midst of many days together, should be perfectly normal. And when I get criticized for putting my "errands" ahead of that, I get defensive. Sure, I know, I can skip all my errands, but at some point, it'll catch up to me. Ever hear of an ISTJ who can consistently put play ahead of work? Me neither <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. Problem is, G acknowledges that sometimes the errands need to be prioritized, but in practice, it seems that she always wants to put time together ahead of the errands. It works for her, because she has set up her life to have almost no errands; mine is not set up that way, and I am not ready or willing to change to that lifestyle.

I suspect that we will need to revisit all this at some point, because it is not sitting well with me. But, we did have a great time on vacation, she is so loving and sweet and great to be with. At least on vacations, where there are no responsibilities or kids or whatever....

AGG

And certainly when I do all that I do in my daily life, and then see how little G "accomplishes" in her time, I see a huge gap.
___________________________________________________________

AGG,

WOW. WOW. WOW.

You might want to re-read what you posted. It makes you sound VERY one-sided...ME vs US. And I hope you know I've so rallied for this relationship to work. Yet...and it's a BIG yet.......

If this is truly how how you feel about G, that she is "unaccomplished", LET HER GO. Let YOU go.

How can you be with/support/treasure/build-up/defend/POJA with/love forever/love unconditionally/smile at every morning, if you feel as if she's "unaccomplished?"

For me, that would be it. OMG....unaccomplished????

Now, her days may be unproductive compared to yours....and, sounds like they are.

Then you need to step up to the plate and END THIS. Something tells me that you NEED her much more than you let on.

Heart vs. common sense.

Sucks, doesn't it?

I don't feel that G is "unaccomplished". But I stand by what I said, that I accomplish more than she does in day to day life. I think that G would agree with that assessment, and I don't see anything judgemental or critical in that assessment. It is a fact. I do not pass judgement that she is a "failure" or "unaccomplished". It's no different than if I felt that I exercised more than my partner or earned more than my partner or whatever - it wouldn't mean that I felt that my partner was a lazy slob or a financial failure, just that we were different in certain ways.

Same thing here. I don't mind that I do more chores than G does. I am perfectly happy being the "doer" of chores and stuff, and have her be more of the creator of the peaceful home environment. What my post was about is that I do get defensive when she starts criticizing me for being the "doer". Like I said, I don't want a medal for raising two small kids and running a household and making myself available to see G all the time that I am free - but it would be nice to get an acknowledgement that I do that, rather than a lecture on how "time together" is so much more important than "errands", unless of course (and this is my Taker talking now), it happens to be her errands, like laundry, which of course cannot be messed with <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

<a stranger, adrift from GQII, drops in to respond to this post...>


And why could she not make her preparations two days in advance?
The don't have to be done on the last night. Yes, there is wiggle room.

-AD