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#1720300 07/31/06 02:33 PM
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I am getting remarried in 2 weeks. Its been 3 years since I divorced and about 6 since infidelity and MB entered my life.

I am having all kinds of feelings. I had a milestone Bday and got a card from the X SIL. I have not heard from XH since the divorce. My fiance is great for me and beleives in communication and MB and we love each other.

But I have some sort of guilt. Kind of like survivors guilt. Has it been long enough? It feels funny to run into people and tell them I am divorced and getting married.

Anyone else have mixed feelings about remarriage?


Lora
Lora #1720301 07/31/06 03:38 PM
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Im remarried, and I can tell you this.......IF you have mixed feelings.... DO NOT DO IT!!!!

I myself didnt have second thought. If I did??? I would not have gotten married.

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Hi Lora, I'm so happy for you! I know what you mean about mixed feelings - it's not about your fiance...

I recently began a new relationship - met new guy at a funeral, of all places. Unfortunately, he's too recently out of a relationship - not a married, but engaged - which has forced us to talk a lot about past R's. Previous relationships are always with us in some form. We all lost so much more than the person and the dreams for the future. We also lost many of the connections we had as a couple and unfortunately gained some insecurities, fears, and more difficulty trusting.

I think "survivor's guilt" is a good way to describe it, as we were all traumatized by the infidelity and the years of attempting marriage recovery, but we've survived and are recovering ourselves and our ability to have new, healthier relationships.

Just focus on the "survivor" part, and drop the "guilt" because you don't deserve it. It is and will continue to be an adjustment. I can see that for myself as new guy has lived here (small town) 20+ years, was married for 26 years, most here, and engaged for 3 years to now-ex-fiancee. You are in the process of re-establishing yourself first as part of a couple, now as a married couple.

Enjoy your special day, I'll be thinking of you!


FBS, D'day 12/00 * NC since 5/02 * divorce final 5/06 * property settlement 9/06 What you can do or think you can do, begin it. For boldness has Magic, Power, and Genius in it. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
Lora #1720303 07/31/06 04:55 PM
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Maybe I did not say it right, I am not worried about the man and marriage, just refecting alot and maybe having a mid life crisis too.

Letstry... Whoo hoo, good for you. I thought there werent any men around your area...LOL. I appreciate your understanding and well wishes.


Lora
Lora #1720304 08/01/06 09:57 AM
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Every once in a while when dealing with my XWH or someone from that chapter of my life, I have a guilty feeling, or sudden sadness. I have a good "working relationship" with my XWH because we parent children together through shared custody. I'm happy in my new relationship, and I would never ever want XWH back as my lover (shudder), but I know that XWH and I could probably have worked things out, if we were both willing to make changes. OK. Mosly him. He needed to change. Big time. LOL

I think the longer you are apart from XH, the easier it will get, but if you are parenting kids together or have other reasons for your old life to pop up again -- a milestone birthday, for example -- your buttons may get pushed. If you are someone who values marriage -- obviously you do or you wouldn't have been MBing -- those buttons may be tender a bit longer than someone who is quick to toss the baby out with the bathwater.

Its ok to grieve ... as long as its not impacting on your new marriage. Think about that.

Just my thoughts.


Mrs. W8ing

PS Happy Belated Birthday!


Burned-out W, 41, ENFJ married to INTJ. Blender family of 7 years w/3 teens. H has been injured/ill and in college for 6 years. Co-parenting for 11 years w/XWH who married A #4 of 5.
Lora #1720305 08/01/06 07:14 PM
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Well, the great thing and the thing that is the most different in this relationship is that last night we went for a walk and I brought it up and we talked about it.

He askes and encourages me to speak and doesnt get defensive. It makes all the diffeence in the world and I hope to always chersih it and have it work both ways.

W8, maybe you are right. I am lucky not to see him. But today I got a card from the 2nd XSIL. I miss them a bit, they were like my family for 20 years, and now I havent told them I am getting married.


Lora
Lora #1720306 08/01/06 07:46 PM
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Quote
I thought there werent any men around your area...LOL. I appreciate your understanding and well wishes.
Surprised the heck out of me! You were a big part of my survival and recovery here at MB so I definitely understand and wish you the fulfillment of all your dreams... you deserve it!

Quote
...the most different in this relationship is that last night we went for a walk and I brought it up and we talked about it.

He askes and encourages me to speak and doesnt get defensive. It makes all the diffeence in the world and I hope to always chersih it and have it work both ways.

Even though our XH's were almost opposite in some ways, neither of them was honest with us about his thoughts or interested in our feelings. With XH, I wrote my uncomfortable feelings in my journal (and you remember what problems that caused?!). I feel I have nothing to lose now, so I share what I'm feeling with new guy and so far he's been receptive as well as honest in his responses. We didn't know what we were missing.


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But today I got a card from the 2nd XSIL. I miss them a bit, they were like my family for 20 years, and now I havent told them I am getting married.

What are you going to do? Call them? Don't you think they'd be happy for you?


FBS, D'day 12/00 * NC since 5/02 * divorce final 5/06 * property settlement 9/06 What you can do or think you can do, begin it. For boldness has Magic, Power, and Genius in it. Johann Wolfgang von Goethe

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