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I moved this from "Just found out..."

My WS and I were married 6 years ago. We are now both 29 and have been together since we were 15. IMO we were very happy until I recently found out she was having an EA. We have no children.

Over the last 3 years she has been in graduate school and graduated in December. She got a job as a science teacher starting in January. She had a co-teacher in the room with her for special ed students. This teacher is the MOM.

D-day was July 13th. WS went on a school sponsored trip (conference to Las Vegas) with MOM and around twenty other teachers on June 10th-14th. At this point our marriage seemed great. I had no idea that we had any major issues. Of course we had our occasional arguments but nothing unusual. Since the time she came back from this trip she has been very cold toward me and would not tell me what was wrong. She went out a few times staying out all night at one of her friend’s houses. She has never done this before. After numerous attempts to talk to her about what was going on I decided to find out for my self. She was staying up late almost every night on the computer. At first this did not seem unusual since she did not have to work over the summer. I placed a keystroke recorder on the cpu and found out through IM’s to her friends and the MOM what was going on.

Apparently on the trip he confided in her that he was thinking of divorce and they started talking about his relationship and then eventually about ours. They spent several evenings going out to bars while on this trip and eventually exchanged phone numbers to continue talking once they came back. I have since found out that they spent almost everyday together from June 15th - July 13th. According to my wife they never had any physical relationship but from her IM’s it was not far away. They did hug and kiss from what she has told me. To me it appears they were on step 14 of the 15 steps to Infidelity.
I was logged in on her IM when the MOM sent her a note. I responded and made it clear I was aware of what was going on and for him to stay away from my wife. I then went and woke her and confronted her about the situation. Of course she right of the bat denied that anything was going on. After telling her I had read the messages she admitted to going to lunch with him, but nothing else. She did not know what all I had read and how much I already knew. She had told her friend that she had contacted an attorney and was already making plans to spend time with the MOM after our divorce. After talking(arguing) it over for several days she agreed to cancel the next appointment with the attorney and call MOM to tell him they could not see each other anymore. We went a few times to marriage counseling but she has since stopped going. She wants to see someone on her own instead of us together. I found out on July 31st that she had put a deposit down on a deposit on her own apartment and wants to move out. This IMO was her trying to get me to agree to a divorce. I firmly disagree with divorce and do not want to go that route. I love this alien very much and want our marriage to work more than anything in my life. I have continued to go to the marriage counselor but she still will not go. Her parents have agreed to support her I what ever decision she makes through this. I do not think she has given the whole story to them about the MOM.

I have read a lot on this site and need a little help. She claims that she has not seen or spoke with this MOM for 3 weeks. My problem with that is on July 31st they started back to school. She claims that he is on the other side of the school now and they will never see each other. I find that hard to believe or to deal with. I have asked her to ask for a transfer or for him to ask for one. She said that neither can do that now that school is back open. They have to sign contracts. She would lose her teaching certification if she quit this job and would not be able to teach again.

She told me on July 31st that she had put a deposit down on an apartment and was moving out on August 12th. I was very hurt and upset. She went though he house and wrote down all of the items she wanted to take with her and how she wanted the bills to be split up. I was devastated and told her that I would contact her parents and school to advise of the EA if she moved out. I feel that her moving out is the last stage before her filing for divorce. She tells me the usual things I have read on her like “I love you but I am not in love with you”. I find this hard to believe as just two months ago we had little problems.
As far as her moving out she has not told me what her decision is right now. I am confused and do not know what to do. I am sure that I have left many things out so post a message and I will answer asap. Almost every day is a roller coaster. One day she is willing to try to save our marriage the next she is not. Please help me save our marriage.


BH - 29 (ME) WW - 29 Married 6 yrs together 15 yrs No kids - 2 dogs that think they are kids EA start date 06/10/06 per WW(still not sure) Moved out on 08/12/06
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wait for people to help
dont give up yet your story is just like everyones and itll work just hold on for the pros here

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Wilson,

Okay - I'm no expert, but INVESTIGATE AND EXPOSE!!!! It should be easy for you to flush this out since they both work in the same school and have (presumably) the same principal/boss. Find out everything you can about him discreetly. Make a list of both your married friends, family members with influence over her, her associates, your pastor/church leader, his family etc. This is the most critical step to put pressure on the relationship. It should blow up at the workplace and it may cost jobs, but that is not your concern, since this is not your doing. Let the consequences of infidelity fall on the infidels.

Second thing. Don't believe her when she says it hasn't gone to PA. It is extremely hard to prove, but it is likely that it already has. It hurts but it doesn't really matter, as she's already thinking about a life with OM and without you. Get over it and Plan A - be the best man you can be and don't let her see you sweat, beg, or plead... Prepare to let her go and get prepared to be her confident, strong, and forgiving savior when it blows up in her face. This is the hardest part and it will take longer than you think it will. A lot longer... trust me.

The rule of extraordinary precautions will require her to move, transfer, quit, whatever to get away from him. That is a way down the road, as the most critical steps to take now are to snoop and expose, while putting on your best face and meeting her needs like you did when you were engaged.

All I am and will become in Him,


sbmmal BH 29 (Me) WW 29 M: 07-20-2001; DD Age 2 EA/PA: 5/06 - Present D-Day: 6-3-06 Deployed Since 11/05, Leave Due in 07/05 Home Forever and Out of Army 10/06... Praying for Us and Seeking God Feverishly!!!
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Welcome to MB, sorry you're here.

My friend I think you've got more than an EA on your hands. A week in Vegas? Coming back very cold and staying out all night "at a friend's house"? Ready to move out?

Gather evidence. Install a keylogger on your computer. Watch the cell phone records. Install a voice activated recorder in her car.

Don't wait until she moves out to expose. I would expose NOW, or at least in a few days once you've got some evidence. Expose to her family/friends, your family/friends, her boss and coworkers, your church if you have one, and the OM's wife. Whether they are divorcing or not is irrelevant; OMW needs to know. The more people know about the affair, the more people can put pressure on it and kill the affair.

You need to make yourself the more attractive choice for your WW. This is plan A...aka 'winning your spouse back'. This does not mean being a doormat! I'll let the experts fill you in on that.

Those things said, take my comments into account, but wait for other smarter people to show up. They will likely have better or more complete suggestions.

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i think bitbuckets right my wife denied the affair to the bitter end actually getting insulted id evven ask that.
then i caught an email of hers to the om sayin i know he knows about everything now so get prepared its gonna get ugly

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((Wilson))

Have you talked to your W's parents? If you are only hearing what she tells you, I would start becoming a little more vocal about how much you want to save the M and what the "real deal" is.

Who else knows about MOM besides you?

Have you been in Plan A?

I understand the teacher thing... I work in a school as well. That's quite the pickle.

I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but if your W is moving out it's because she wants to be with MOM. Does he have kids? Have you thought about talking to his W?

My heart is breaking for you, WK...


Me: FWW (34)
H: BS (35)
Together 12 years, no children (yet)
LTA: 3 years
D-Day: Sept. 13, 2005 (I confessed)

So blessed, thankful and happy for my wonderful H...

"God lives in the gathering of saints."
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wilson,

I will spend my time speaking only of the financial implications of what you have written given the time frame.

Do NOT let her dictate property, monies, furniture or terms to you. If she is a mortgage holder, signor on any lease, credit card etc., you must freeze those accounts immediately!!

DO NOT accept any debt payment from her that is one penny less than 50% REGARDLESS OF WHO IS USING THAT DEBT. You will be tempted to make excuses for her due to pity or mistaken feeling of love, there are NONE for her actions.

You have a very unique opportunity to show her the realities of her decisions. Please do not waste it.

Best of luck


Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle

You believe easily what you hope for ernestly

Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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Wilson

Glad you made it over here. I see you've received some good responses and I hope you've read a bunch and internalized a lot of Harley's concepts.

So what is your plan???

Mr. Wondering


FBH(me)-51 FWW-49 (MrsWondering)
DD19 DS 22 Dday-2005-Recovered

"agree to disagree" = Used when one wants to reject the objective reality of the situation and hopefully replace it with their own.
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OK here goes. Tonight I got home from work and she had found this website in the history for the web browser from last nights reading. She read probably everything that I did. She confronted me about it. I advised her that I love her and want our marriage to work. She was more concerned with me contacting her family, friends and work. I told her that I was going to call them that I wanted the affair to end and for us to go to counseling to work on us. She told me that if I called anyone that she would file for divorce tomorrow. I disregarded what she said and contacted her father. We spoke for about 30 minutes and as I suspected she had not been truthful to them either. However they are standing behind their daughter to make her own decisions. While I was in the other room she deleted all of her close friends off of the cell phone to make it difficult to me to find their phone numbers. I was able to get in contact with one who knew we were having problems and was willing to help me anyway she could. Another I spoke with put me off and said she need to go but would call back in a few minutes. She of course she did not call back. I am still looking for more contacts. My main concern is contacting her work. This to me is the hardest. They still see each other there daily and I do not see how our marriage can work with that. However, she will never forgive me if I jeopardize her career. I think this might push her too far. I love her more than she will ever know and do not know if I can risk that.

I tried to call MOM’s wife but he answered the phone. I ask for her but he said she was unavailable. I am sure he has caller ID and knows it was me. As far as other people all of my close family and now her parents know about the A. A handful of her friends I reached tonight and a few of mine are aware. As far as the finances I am not overly concerned. I have already removed her from any account in my name. Most all major bills are joint accounts. House/car/truck etc. Furniture and most household property I do not really care if she takes it or not. I am more concerned right now on trying to save things rather than who gets what.


BH - 29 (ME) WW - 29 Married 6 yrs together 15 yrs No kids - 2 dogs that think they are kids EA start date 06/10/06 per WW(still not sure) Moved out on 08/12/06
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BTW: the "i'll lose my job" thing is total smoke. If she's a public school teacher, and you arent living in rural indiana or something (no insult to indiana intended then it is easy for her to get a transfer to another school. It normally has to be before the start of a new term to make it easy. But if she WANTED to make it happen, and told the appropriate people it was critical for her marriage/whatever, she could make it happen.


ME: H, 35, married 9 years. 3 young sons W:32, series of online "friendships" 1st D-day: some time 2004 (online EA) OM broke off, NC june 2005, but no recovery plan 2nd D-day: june 20th, 2006("ILY" to "friend"). W moved out next day. Oct 2006, starts being around a 3rd guy instead. Mar 2007, stopped? Current status: Separated. W filed D. in July 2006, served Dec 11th, my response filed Jan 8th Most recent thread
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Hi:)...really sorry you are here:(...take a deep breath and know that you are in the right place...the advise here is without question priceless...make sure you are true to yourself though in personalizing it...i agree with everything said here....I SMELL A SKUNK!!!...continue to gather your info, get all the facts strait, and continue to expose...it works!...maybe call the school board first and just ask about the general policy as it pertains to workplace relationships... I definitely WOULD speak to the principal of the school letting him/her know your concerns and wishes to save your marriage (don't disrepect by getting too emotional..just the facts!)...maybe he/she can be your advocate as far as planning workshops, etc in which your W and OM will be attending....spector sof offers a great accountability program for your puter for around $90 ...get your cell phone bill itemized with all the calls that are made (there's your access to the phone #'s)...continue to call MOM's home...his W has to answer at some point!!...again be respectful but honest...oh yah, almost forgot...continue to be firm but loving to your W...after all it is her you love...her decisions you detest...but underneath it all there are some EN's not being met somewhere...figure those out and you will unlock many mysteries...I know your emotions are unstable right now but you seem to be on the right track!!...keep up the good work!!!...j


Me: 36 WBF: 35 DD18, DD6, DS5 Recent confession of SA involving "swinging" by WBF Found MB 7/14/06 Life is nothing more than a series of choices....
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i am a special education teacher in a public school. transfers WITHIN the school system are allowed and will not cause you to lose your job or your liscense.

your wife should go to her administrator and explain the situation and ask for a transfer.

it's not that she "can't"....she doesn't want to

the other end of the building is NOT far enough away...they WILL see each other

if she won't go and ask for a transfer.....you should tell her that you WILL go and talk to her princiapl and supervisor.

they ALL say they will divorce you "tomorrow" if you expose them

tell her that she has a choice.....choose to stop the affair, end all contact and request the transfer or she has choosen for you to expose to her work and ask for their support


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Wilson,

I'm absolutely shocked that you are getting zero support from your W's family and friends.

Not ONE person is supportive of saving your M?

Has something happened in your M that would make them unsupportive? I'm not trying to be the bad guy here, but I just find this hard to believe.

During my A, the few family members/friends who knew about it thought I was out of my mind. If H knew at the time and called them, I'm sure they would have teamed up to knock some sense into me.

We don't have any children, either.

How are things going today?


Me: FWW (34)
H: BS (35)
Together 12 years, no children (yet)
LTA: 3 years
D-Day: Sept. 13, 2005 (I confessed)

So blessed, thankful and happy for my wonderful H...

"God lives in the gathering of saints."
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Wilson,

Quote:

Furniture and most household property I do not really care if she takes it or not. I am more concerned right now on trying to save things rather than who gets what.




So your interpretation of what I wrote is that I am concerned about who get's a couch??????????????


Divorced:
"Never shelter anyone from the realities of their decisions": Noodle

You believe easily what you hope for ernestly

Infidelity does not kill marriages, the lying does
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Wilsonk,

Please read my entire thread!!! Your sitch is very much like mine was!!!!! Start with Thread #1 in my sig.....then Thread #2....then the current one on GQII! You will find alot of great advice throughout my entire ordeal!!!

And just a tease......My FWW and I are doing very well....we just "re-exchanged" our rings and vows last night!!!!

God bless,
MWIL


BH(me)-46, FWW-43, DS-12, DD-14
A- 6-25-05 'til 5-06...Was Recovered! Back at it on 8/14
ME!!!!!!
Thread #1
Thread #2
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I am getting support from a few friends and all of my family but not exactly what I would like from her parents. They are taking the stance of they do not want to get in the middle of our problems. I think they are hurt now knowing about the A but they are still going to support their child. As far as her employer I still have not got the nerve up to call. I have tried a few times to call her HR department to see what the policy is on these type situations, but have not been able to get through. Even if I do I am not sure they will tell me. Last night after she blew up on me about this site, she left to go walking. She was gone about 2-3 hours. When she returned she did not speak to me other than to say what I was doing was causing our divorce. She did not speak to me this morning either. I am so confused and feel like I am making things worse. I am almost certain that she will be contacting an attorney today. I am desperate to make things work but do not know what to do. Obviously she had emotional needs that I was not meeting. She thinks I am controlling and unemotional. She has told me that for the last 15 years everything we have done has been a lie. For instance we always went to the lake on our boat, going on vacations, going to the mountains riding our four-wheeler/camping, watching certain TV shows, etc... Now she is telling me that she just told me that she did these things to make me happy and she really hated doing them. I told her that if I had known she did not like something that we could have done different activities that we both enjoyed. I feel like her not telling me these things has lead to her feeling controlled. I always wanted to do these things because I thought it made both of us happy. Now I see that the more we did these things the more controlled she felt. I feel as if the last 15 years of our lives has been a lie. I ask what her ideal vacation was and she could not tell me. I ask her what she enjoyed doing the most and again no answer. We have had a very good life financially. Honeymoon to Hawaii, went back two yrs later, a good vacation every year except when she was in school, etc... From what I have read and understand now I have given her everything except what she wants the most. Me to meet her emotional needs, but I feel like she is not giving me a chance. I had no idea of any major issues as she never acted like or told me anything was wrong. Obviously we have communication problems. She did tell me yesterday that she did not even want to speak with me until she moved out and did not want to have any contact with me after that.(after she found this site) Any suggestions would be appreciated…

Cymanca,

I do not think I misinterpreted your post. I have not let her dictate our money or property. I do not care if she takes the couch, love seat or the chair or any other household item. I have made certain that all debts jointly incurred are in both names. She did agree to pay ½ of all joint debt. I have frozen all accounts from future use that are in both names. I even removed my name from a credit card we opened up years ago that was in her name.


BH - 29 (ME) WW - 29 Married 6 yrs together 15 yrs No kids - 2 dogs that think they are kids EA start date 06/10/06 per WW(still not sure) Moved out on 08/12/06
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Wilson,

Your W is deeply in the fog. At the beginning of my A, I couldn't think of one good thing about my M with H. It was all a "sham." That is a BIG FAT LIE but your W's feelings are dictating her words now... she feels something for OM, and those feelings she once had for you have been transfered to him... she is not thinking logically right now, she is an addict.

I'm sorry that your W's discovery of MB made her want to end all contact with you (this is an excuse, by the way. Any excuse to sever all ties.) You would think that someone who was on a MARRIAGE BUILDING site was not looking to harm their spouse, but that's just the way the WS mind works. That being said, do you think she will continue to read your posts? That could be dangerous...

Since she is a teacher, is she home right now? I would keep trying to call OMW. She will be your ace in the hole as far as getting your W back.

I'm so sorry for all you are going through...


Me: FWW (34)
H: BS (35)
Together 12 years, no children (yet)
LTA: 3 years
D-Day: Sept. 13, 2005 (I confessed)

So blessed, thankful and happy for my wonderful H...

"God lives in the gathering of saints."
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I tried again this afternoon to call OMW and their home phone is disconnected. I just spoke with him last night. Should I go by their house and try and speak with her when he is not home? I have his cell phone number but have no idea about hers.


BH - 29 (ME) WW - 29 Married 6 yrs together 15 yrs No kids - 2 dogs that think they are kids EA start date 06/10/06 per WW(still not sure) Moved out on 08/12/06
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It is almost 5 am Sat am. She left me a vm that she was too drunk to drive home. She claims she is at friends house. I do beleive her but this is the third time she has not come home in our marriage. All three in the last four weeks. She will not pick up her phone or I would go pick her up. She was still stating tonight that she was done with our marriage and that she would never speak to me due to the contacts I made trting to stop A. I am still devestated. I have slept less than 20 hours in 3 weeks and can hardly function. I need serious help. Please advise.


BH - 29 (ME) WW - 29 Married 6 yrs together 15 yrs No kids - 2 dogs that think they are kids EA start date 06/10/06 per WW(still not sure) Moved out on 08/12/06
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U need to get some rest. Go visit with friends who will help you get some rest.

U have a WS in the house. That's like letting a strange stranger in your home. She looks like your W but she is NOT your W.

Also know that she babbles a lot which makes exposure a must do even for her work.

See a WS is unreliable. She is in the education profession which requires her t/b trustworthy. As a parent if I knew 2 teachers were having an A in my child's class, I w/b outraged.

When she babbles about getting the D. Let her. Let her know you are not going t/d her dirty work for her. Many a WS like to threaten a D then tell the BS to go do it for them. Don't. That's a ploy. You can get the D when u r ready.

Do what you need t/d and do it on your timeframe not her's. That will pizz off the WS and that should NOT stop you from doing what you need. Don't threaten or tell her what you w/b doing. WS' don't like t/b kept in the dark and that's the best thing for the BS.

Practice reverse babble to be safe. Don't take her guilt.

Secure your finances. Get meds from the doctor if needed. Call Jennifer C @ MB for some phone counseling. She will help you get a plan. Take the En questionnaire 1st. Take it 2 times, once as you and once as your W. Give the results to Jennifer with your 1st session.

take care,
L.

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