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I have never done this before, so please be patient. I am a 39 y/o paramedic/firefighter, been married for 12 years this coming 08/27, have a son 10 and daughter 8. I have known my wife for about 15 years. We had some problems late last year and went to counseling three times. I thought we were on mend. I am deeply in love with my wife and love being married and spending time with family but I work lots of hours to pay for some bad decisions in the past...average 88 hours week.

We never seem to get to spend time together and she has stopped trying to do so. I cannot even get her to hold my hand or sit with me. Tells me she is not "in love" any more but still loves me as friend. I do not remember her telling me that there were any current issues and she confirmed with counselor that she has not told me.

Two weeks ago she said she wanted separation. Feels like I am controlling her, wants freedom. I of course, not thinking that we had a problem, was devastated. We just bought our home a year ago, spent almost every dollar into fixin it up the way she wanted it.

Last night she started a conversation with "I think I want a divorce." I have not slept or eaten since. I have never felt so much emotional pain in my life. She has always been my best friend. I have no other friends to confide in, she has always been the one. I don't feel like I can function. No matter what I say she rolls her eyes and tells me I have caused her too much pain in the past.

She tells me I am very moody, controlling and degrading and make her feel dumb. I was not aware that I was doing any of these things before 12/05. Since then I have done everything I can to stop the negative behavior. I started medication about 7 weeks ago and she claims it has helped greatly but she still does not want to stay.

I have no support system. My parents and sibling have never really been close. I was physically abused at home and left early. I know (NOW) I need counseling and am willing to continue...we just started back last week. But she says it's too late.

What can I do? I was not aware that I was hurting her emotionally. She did not tell me that my behavior was offensive. I don't know if I can change, but I REALLY want to keep my family intact. I don't want her to move out, I don't want her to take the kids. SOMEBODY PLEASE HELP!


Me 40 (paramedic/firefighter) W 36 (clinical coordinator) S 11 D 9 married 12 years
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You do understand she is having an affair I hope?

Please check out as a first step the infidelity FAQ's in my signature.

The line "I love you but I'm not in love with you" - classic affair marker.

She's on someone else I'm sorry to say.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Sorry that you are here... start reading...maybe make a call to the Harley's.. get a game plan.
We will be here to help.

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Set up an appointment with a MC immediately too.

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Hi, SLM,

I'm sorry you're in the position to need help, but glad you've found the best place to get it.

I'm not sure how we can help you, and probably someone (more expert at marriage building than I am) will be along shortly.

88 hours a week is a LOT of work time! I do understand that sometimes it's necessary to catch up on financial things by working a lot. Does your wife work outside the home?

Do you suspect that she may be having an affair?

(((SLM)))


"Your actions are so loud that I can't hear a word you're saying!"

BW M 44 yrs to still-foggy but now-faithful WH. What/how I post=my biz. Report any perceived violations to the Mods.
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Welcome to MB - so sorry you are here...

Nevertheless, you've found the right place to be. The people here have been through this and will help you execute a plan to recover your wayward wife. You need to do the hard work and start reading everything you can on this site. Especially how to execute a Plan A - basically being the best you that you can be to win her back and not letting her see the unattractive pain she is causing you... Save that for everyone here.

It would help if you could provide more information on your situation. You may need to start snooping to find out what is really going on and figure out the truth...

Most everyone here is fully behind helping you recover your marriage... Keep reading.

All I am and will become in Him,


sbmmal BH 29 (Me) WW 29 M: 07-20-2001; DD Age 2 EA/PA: 5/06 - Present D-Day: 6-3-06 Deployed Since 11/05, Leave Due in 07/05 Home Forever and Out of Army 10/06... Praying for Us and Seeking God Feverishly!!!
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slm, she is saying all the textbook statements that someone in an affair would say. I hope I am wrong about this, but your first order of business is to rule an affair IN OR OUT so we will know what you are dealing with here. We must know the truth in order to know how to proceed.

To find out, you should not ask her, but you should put a tap on your phone, spywre on your computer and perhaps even a GPS on her car. Check your phone bills and cell phone statements to see who she is talking to.

But, do not ask her if she is having an affair. She will only lie to you and wll just go deeper into hiding if it is true. And if you find out it is not true, you would have insulted her for nothing.

Secondly, just relax. Just because she feels like a divorce now does not mean she will next week. Once we know what the real problem is we can help you repair the rift in your marriage, ok? JUST DO NOT DESPAIR because this is FAR from hopeless. Most of the recovered marriages here were once on the verge of divorce, so it hardly means the end.

And lastly, and this is VERY IMPORTANT:

a) do not move out of your home. If she wants to seperate, tell her you are not interested in a seperation. Let her move. DO NOT MAKE THIS EASY FOR HER

b) do not agree to divorce or seperation. Tell her you are only interested in working on your marriage. PERIOD. Then smile sweetly

c) do not LOVEBUST. http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi3400_lovebust.html Do not grovel, plead, or beg either

so, hang tight and get to work and find out if she is having an affair. And most of all: CALM DOWN. It really will be ok, we are here to support you.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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I do not believe she is having an affair. We are both working so many hours (she works 45-60 week) and running the kids around to have time for one. I still believe her. There are no other signs of an affair. We share our work schedules and she works in a lot of fire stations doing physicals.

The problem is that I feel like I have not been there for her. I have been critical of the way she takes care of the house, the kids, etc. At first I did not realize I was doing it. She pointed it out and I have been working on self improvement.

I know I have caused much of her pain and current distate for me. I now realize I have been treating her like my dad treats my mother, I I don't like that either. We are not close bu dad constantly belittles mom.

I manage all the finances, so I know where $$ is going. So I know some of you think it's an affair but I do not think so...I am confident it is not. The problems started with my treatment of her and negative behavior. That's where I need guidance. I want to show her how much I love her. Ireally believe that I have a medical condition and anger management/belittling issue. Depression runs in my family and a lack of communication. The medications I have been taking for the past seven weeks has mellowed me a great deal.

How do I win her back? I do not believe in divorce or separation.


Me 40 (paramedic/firefighter) W 36 (clinical coordinator) S 11 D 9 married 12 years
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slm, I would get your hands on the book His Needs, Her Needs by Willard Harley ASAP. In the meantime, read the link to lovebusters that I gave you above.

I would also suggest that you contact the Harleys for counseling. They are PRO-MARRIAGE [unlike most marriage counselors] and will not waste a minute of your time in attracting her back into the marriage. Steve Harley will be worth EVERY PENNY and he will give you a PLAN on how to repair your marriage. He is $185 an hour and is well worth the money.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Snoop. Check up on her. I guarantee you are wrong. Your next thread title will probably be "OK You were right - I should have listened"

Have a look at the Basic concepts as well as the infidelity FAQ's - read everything on this site. Harley's basic concepts will help you build a strong marriage. But that will be impossible if she is having an affair.

You ignore this advice at great peril to your marriage.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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#1 thing you should do, even if you think she isnt having an affair... change how you work. working "88 hours a week", you dont have a marriage. you have a bording house.
With the situation like that, there is actually some chance that she is not having an affair, and it really is about you.
[or in this case, lack of you ]


ME: H, 35, married 9 years. 3 young sons W:32, series of online "friendships" 1st D-day: some time 2004 (online EA) OM broke off, NC june 2005, but no recovery plan 2nd D-day: june 20th, 2006("ILY" to "friend"). W moved out next day. Oct 2006, starts being around a 3rd guy instead. Mar 2007, stopped? Current status: Separated. W filed D. in July 2006, served Dec 11th, my response filed Jan 8th Most recent thread
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slm

I hope that bk is wrong... but I have to agree with him.

I was in a similar sich... never even considered an A... even when I was jealous of a certain man, my mind didn't even go to PA. It wasn't until I inadvertantly found proof that it hit me. It could never happen to me. My W would never have done that to me.

But it happened. Actually, for me, finding the proof of an A pulled me back together. I was in a state like you are for 2 months not knowing what was going on. (I didn't find this site until after). When I found out about the A... then atleast I had an answer and could build a game plan. Don't get me wrong... I am not wishing an A on you... but don't ignore its possibility.

The fantasy of "love" is the biggest high out there... and she will find a way to make it happen if that is what is going on.

Keep checking and posting. This place can really help.

Shaden


BH (Me) - 38
WW - 36
Married - 16 years
2 children - 10,12
DD1 - 05/30/05 - EA suspected, W wanted space
DD2 - 07/01/05 - EA/PA discovered & confronted WW
DD3 - 07/21/05 - Further contact discovered and now ended.
11/07/05 - exposed to OMW...
07/01/07 - separated to give "space". recovery was not progressing.
09/04/07 - DDAY all over... new OM.

Patience with God is Faith.
Patience with myself is Hope.
Patience with others is Love.
FAITH REQUIRES ACTION!
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slm

BTW... my first step also was to go through in my mind all the things I felt I did not do well enough for my W. I wanted to change everything all at once. I kept telling her all that I had discovered about myself...THIS DIDN'T HELP. It was too late for that... I only seemed more pathetic to her and helped strengthen her resolve to leave me.

Discovering what you need to do to become a better person and a better husband is paramount to your future... but you need to just do it... don't tell her about it. She'll notice if it's happening.

The good news... once I confronted her about her A... it ended within a couple of weeks. We have gone about a year without contact and things are going fairly well. Every situation is different, but there is hope.

Shaden


BH (Me) - 38
WW - 36
Married - 16 years
2 children - 10,12
DD1 - 05/30/05 - EA suspected, W wanted space
DD2 - 07/01/05 - EA/PA discovered & confronted WW
DD3 - 07/21/05 - Further contact discovered and now ended.
11/07/05 - exposed to OMW...
07/01/07 - separated to give "space". recovery was not progressing.
09/04/07 - DDAY all over... new OM.

Patience with God is Faith.
Patience with myself is Hope.
Patience with others is Love.
FAITH REQUIRES ACTION!
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slm, and maybe you are right, there is no affair. I hope you are. But just RULE IT OUT, ok? Are there any "friends" to whom she is confiding?

I can't tell you how many times a spouse has been SHOCKED SHOCKED SHOCKED to find out their spouse is having an affair when they never suspected it. Please just RULE IT OUT.


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Just had conversation with wife a little while ago, I'm still certain no affair. Recently talked with her mother today and she identified the things wife confided in her were my failures. I love and respect mom in law. Has done best to remain neutral and even defended me many times when she thought wife to be wrong. Other family memebers have recently told me that they were shocked by my behavior. Even physician friends made comment about disrespectful attitude toward wife one time.

Problem is I did not see any of what they are/were saying. Now I do and I am not sure I can convince wife of realization. She has emotionally shut down. Years of bad habits have gone unrecognized by me. I have read His Needs/Her Needs. Tried to get her to read it but she won't pick it up. Just got Love Busters and realize that I have been doing many of things mentioned that are destructive.

I really appreciate the feedback. Those of you who are not convinced about an affair, I'm sorry that you may think me blind. But I seriously believe that I have made so many withdrawals that there is a negative balance right now. She just wnats away from me before "she begins to hate me."


Me 40 (paramedic/firefighter) W 36 (clinical coordinator) S 11 D 9 married 12 years
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my husband was working 60 plus hours a week and had an affair- seems that people in an affair make time

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Read up about Plan A and SNOOP


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
Joined: Apr 2001
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Quote:



I really appreciate the feedback. Those of you who are not convinced about an affair, I'm sorry that you may think me blind. But I seriously believe that I have made so many withdrawals that there is a negative balance right now. She just wnats away from me before "she begins to hate me."




Understand. And that may very well be the reason. It is still important that you take the effort to RULE IT OUT. Everything you have told us sounds exactly like a wayward who is in an affair. Don't just dismiss it without checking first. Just rule it out, ok?


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Here is a good article, slm: http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi8111_leave.html

p.s. I hate to sound like a harpie, but it is not uncommon for a man or woman to come here and swear up and down there can't be an affair, only to be absolutely shocked when they discovered an affair was the problem all along. The spouse is sometimes the very last to know, the very last to believe. Nothing you have said here convinces me there isn't. So, please: just RULE IT OUT so we can move forward.

I honestly will not mind being wrong about this!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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SLM... I wonder... if you KNOW there is no affair... what made you come to an infidelity recovery board? Could it be in the back of your mind you are concerned about this yet don't want to face the truth? I hope you are doing better today and pray that you are right about there being no A.

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