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Joined: Jun 2006
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Perhaps the answer to the problem of Affair Marriage posters causing serious injury to those of us who take offense is this one:

Create a separate and distinct section for "Affair Marriages"

This way the other folks could steer clear of such negative stimulation...

Thoughts?

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I can see that fiftyleven people have read the idea and have yet to speak...

Think about it guys-it would address the of "fairness" (this being a public forum and all) measured against the fact that these Affair Marriage tales are offensive to a great many of us and hurtful to boot...

What say you????

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I think no one has answered because we tried to get a WS forum before, and it was never started.

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I do believe I posted that in a thread last week.

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The Other Woman site seems to handle them CS. Maybe go a trolling over there.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
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glory b what a good idea!

A WS forum here? NOT SMART IDEA...NOT GOOD AT ALL.

We only recently got a dating divorced forum...and that is b/c many of us suffered enduring divorce and starting over as a result of unrepentant Ws and the vorciferous OW/OM on the rampage to destroy our families.

But a WS forum. BAAAAAD idea. and dumb too!


me:37 BS; s:7; xh:38; OW:26;eloped w/OW 1 wk after D: 12/29/03. OC born 3/17/04. Happy! Blessed to be the mother of a wonderful son..great profession..Life's good!
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NOT a WS forum; An AFFAIR MARRIAGE forum.

That is markedly different.

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A better solution is to learn the skills necessary to be respectful of others, and to not antagonize situations. Segregation usually is unsuccessful in solving these issues.

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Quote
The Other Woman site seems to handle them CS. Maybe go a trolling over there.


Trolling? Are you now lashing out in anger at me?

I am trying to come up with a way for these people (who obviuosly will not leave because they think they have a right to be here) a way to peacefully co-exist with the other folks on MB.

I don't want to read about Affair Marriages either.

If they had a place to post and discuss Harley's concepts, I could purposely avoid it, as could YOU.

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Sigh...not a WS forum; an AFFAIR MARRIAGE forum.

People who don't like reading Affair MArriage tales could then avoid being exposed to them...

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I think it is a really bad idea - just having the forum would imply that these marriages were supported by the Harleys.

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It would be wonderful if there were enough compassion on the MB forum to create a safe space for affair marriages.

Not to condone them, but to support them in the monumentally difficult task of healing and bringing wholeness to all concerned. Sometimes that might mean ending the affair marriage. I suspect that wouldn't always be the best route.

Unfortunately, it seems to me that MB does not have the structure nor the high level of respect, compassion, and safety necessary to pull something like that off.

I sincerely wish that were not the case.

Oh, and a private forum for WS who are working on ending their affairs works very well indeed -- in a safe and carefully monitored environment. I don't think MB is quite ready for that, either.


Sunny Day, Sweeping The Clouds Away...

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no...no....no

we should NOT give any support

the hope that the affair will run it's natural course and end......

that's what keeps somoeone like me hopeful....the BS who still loves their WS and wants the affair relationship...even if it becomes a marriage to fail....as most affair marriages do

so they have a chance to save their marraige....a marriage that noone had any right to break apart by stealing someone else's spouse

if my H and OW marry.....and the marraige begins to fall apart.....there i am so hopeful....ready and waiting to have a chance to begin a new relationship with my H

and your telling me that my H or OW should be able to come here and get help to save their marraige?????

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I think it is a really bad idea - just having the forum would imply that these marriages were supported by the Harleys.

I have news for you: in some cases they ARE supported by the Harleys. Let me give you a quote from LoveBusters (chapter fifteen, "Restoring Love after Infidelity"):

"In most cases, I do not help an unfaithful spouse and the lover creating a lasting relationship. Instead, I try to help restore the broken marriage after the affair dies a natural death. But in Dean's case, both of his former wives wanted nothing to do with him, and without their cooperation, reconciliation was impossible. So I helped Dean make his next marriage last."

So there you have it, like it or not.


BH (me) 32 WW 29 Together 6 years Married 1.5 years EA/PA started january 2006 D-Day 06/04/06 Exposure 06/14/06 06/15/06 A ended 06/15/06 WW moved out 07/01/06 Currently in plan A
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and your telling me that my H or OW should be able to come here and get help to save their marraige?????

No... because you obviously still want your WS back. The Harleys don't support an affair marriage in such cases either.

However, I personally feel it would be better if affair marriages where the condition of "the former spouses want nothing to do with them" are met could be supported here. The Harleys do support them.


BH (me) 32 WW 29 Together 6 years Married 1.5 years EA/PA started january 2006 D-Day 06/04/06 Exposure 06/14/06 06/15/06 A ended 06/15/06 WW moved out 07/01/06 Currently in plan A
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The problem, in my I'm-new-here opinion, is just that: anyone can post anywhere.

Unless someone starts labeling people by their current marital situation you will always have those who can't stay in their own sandbox. Creating a separate forum will just put the Affair Marriage people in one place so Betrayed Spouses can use a shotgun on them. Likewise, trying to preserve a forum just for Betrayed Spouses makes them easier to target and the vindictive Wayward Spouse has an easier time poking at them.

I believe "Marriage Builders" means we're all adults here (anyone from West Virginia? -- sorry, couldn't resist).

Please don't get me wrong about my personal stance on this. I have suffered greatly as a Betrayed Spouse and if my wife "hooked up" with one of her lovers I would not want to come here and read about their marital success OR failure.

I can't go anywhere in the REAL WORLD without seeing something on TV endorsing cheating behavior or hearing that personally-offensive-idiotic-and-hurtful song "Unfaithful" by Rianna.

I, as an adult, have to accept that life isn't out to make me happy all the time (OK, it's never out to make me happy). People will be people and all opinions are just that -- opinions.

If you disagree with someone on here, ignore them or respectfully disagree. AND MOVE ON.

I know there is a real concern that some with a warped view of the Marriage Builders concepts will advise those in despair to take action that is unwise or hurtful. But they could be getting the same advice from a bad counselor or friend.

We're killing a lot of innocent electrons beating this issue to death. But I guess that's why they call it a community.



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A better solution is to learn the skills necessary to be respectful of others, and to not antagonize situations. Segregation usually is unsuccessful in solving these issues.

Hear, hear, K! That just makes too much sense...

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Eav, I just wanted to offer you a hug. My ex married her affair partner, so I know of whence you speak.

Oddly, I do not hope for their marriage to end. I want my daughter to have stability in her life and at this point, her stable life includes an ongoing relationship with her stepdad. I never wanted that, fought against it, and still cringe at it sometimes. But when I look at it from her point of view, I see that this is what she has known for 2 1/2 of her short 3 1/2 years of life. I know that our divorce harmed her. I also know that another divorce doesn't help -- it just destroys more.

I rebuilt my own life and am very happy with it. There have been times of tremendous grief and loneliness, but in the end, my life is just about the same as it was before things went to heck. I am happy, my life is good, and the sources-of-chaos in my life have mostly been removed. (DD is a source of entirely different chaos! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />)


Sunny Day, Sweeping The Clouds Away...

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No... because you obviously still want your WS back. The Harleys don't support an affair marriage in such cases either.

However, I personally feel it would be better if affair marriages where the condition of "the former spouses want nothing to do with them" are met could be supported here. The Harleys do support them.



but you are taking someone else's word for what their BS does or doesn't want.....

do you think they are all being honest about it?

would i expect my H's OW to say "his wife still loves him so much and i'm afraid that if our marraige ends he will go back to her?"

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Just J

thanks for the hug!

i'm glad that you have made peace with your life and found happiness

it is wonderful that you have made your DD's happiness your priority!

i really appreciate the hug though...this waiting, hoping, and plan B stuff can make a girl a little sad...



i've noticed something-you said your X married her affair partner

...there sure are LOTS of people here that say their X marraied the affair partner......i thought the % of this happending was supposed to be very low? i've seen many, many different people post about it and i'm beginning to think that percentage is way off and that it happens ALOT

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