Contemplating. I'm not sure if they will really help...but I'll try anything. I'm finding that I'm having to be the strong one and help get WS through the fallout of his affair. He's mentally tapped out and unable to cope. He's sunk into a deep depression and has, just this weekend, asked about IC. We started couples therapy last week. So, while I'm staying strong for him and trying to build him back up, I have very little support (from him to me). It's immensely hard to keep the stiff upper lip and focus on him when I'm hurting so badly. I'm pouring all I can into making him feel loved and worthwhile. I'm no psychologist, but I'm certain he's unable to accept that someone/anyone values and loves him as much as I do. He dug himself so deep into this hole of lies and betrayal, and he can't find his way out. I'm trying to show him the way, and get whatever outside resources I can (IC). I know he needs to deal with the pain he has caused. I shouldn't have to mask it and paste a smile on my face. I feel that he's not strong enough to face it, though...not yet. His issues are further reaching than the lies and the affair. I'm hoping the IC will help. In the mean time, I need to do something to help me. I'm not a fragile person, but sometimes I feel like I'm going to break from the weight of carrying him and me through this.

Hey OB1! How are you? Are you asking about AD's for you? I took Lexapro for 2 years plus. I just weaned off them about 6 weeks ago. They got me through the roughest days. Is the A over?


You have to take care of you before you can take care of someone else. Are you getting any support? Friends, IC, church anything?

If you are able to find the strength try exercise first. The efficacy of exercise and Ad's is basically the same.
I always told the doctors I called on that they should try to get patients to do exercise first. I sold Zoloft (sertraline) but would recommend that if you do try an AD to get a psychiatrist to precribe rather than a family doctor. There are variables among the meds which can be tailored to your situation. Most FP's are ignorant to the subtle differences.
Also, note that if you're weight sensitive, discuss that with your doctor... some AD's increase weight 9Paxil is the biggest offender). Some also increase anxiety (prozac). If you are often tired and not anxious, prozac might be your best choice. Lexapro is not a good for those with suicide risk... it is lethal in overdose (albeit a high dose).
Again, exercise and a psychiatrist are your best bets.

Good luck

FF! Yep, thinking about AD's for me. The emotional rollercoaster is hard enough for me alone. Now I'm taking on more in trying to help D with his issues.

I want to say yes, but I'm still uncovering "information" that has funky but reasonable explanations under normal circumstances. Under THESE circumstances, it looks like he's lying to cover other lies. I have to let it go...for now. We've agreed to discuss affair related subjects in therapy ONLY. We'll work through it there until he can get to a point where he can discuss it outside of therapy without the converstation going south.

I've got a couple of good friends (husband and wife) that are trying their best to help us. This weekend, we got called over by my parents and mom sat us down to offer her full, unconditional love and support. He appeared pretty stunned when she said that she still loved him no matter what. She pointed out a lot of his good qualities and stated that he IS a good person. He messed up and now he has to do his best to fix it....and she would help how ever she could. I think he needed to hear it. He holds my parents in high esteem and knowing he let them down is a HUGE deal to him. His mom is dead and he's not close to his father. My parents are like mom and dad to him.

What about Zoloft? is it a good AD to ask the Dr. about? I agree with the exercise thing though, it always helps so much.

I vote for anti-D's. Most work in about 21 days. Like MEDC says, exercise helps too.

As for going to the shrink, it can be expensive. I knew what my problem was, and didn't want to rehash it to the tune of $300. an hour.

I do think that IC or group counseling is good.

Some anti-D's have side effects. Mine makes me feel strange in the morning, nothing awful, just different. Also there are sexual side effects - a difficult time getting an O. So be sure to ask your doc about those things.

okay...
Zoloft... good choice for women and those that are made sleepy by medications. It tends to have less somnolence than some others (especially Paxil).

Paxil is a good medication for a man. It does contribute to weight gain so if you're a man or a woman that has lost weight as a result of the depression... it is a good choice. Otherwise, weight gain for women can be a problem.

Prozac is available in generic form now. Good choice for those without insurance and without GAD (generalized anxiety disorder). Also has the least amount of issues with stopping med.

Lexapro... already discussed. Effective medication see above notes.

All of the SSRI's have the potential to increase suicidal tendancies. If you are currently or have been suicidal in the past... please be wary and aware of this issue.

I again, will very strongly suggest that if you have not tried exercise and you have the strength to do so, do it before you try any AD. Again, the benefits are equal if not better than AD's and the only side effects are good ones. There are a lot of studies out right now that are looking at a persons ability to discontinue AD's without severe side effects. There seems to be a good % of people that have extreme difficulty getting off them... even if they are weaned.

Remember that alcohol is a depressing agent and should be avoided during any AD therapy.

And again.. the psychiatrist is a great way to go... they know these medicines very well. If your insurance will not cover a psych visit... do your homework before you go to your doctor. Primary care physicians... even most of the good ones are painfully ignorant to some of the issues regarding AD's.

I've been on Effexor XR for around 3 years now, diagnosed with GAD (Generalized Anxiety Disorder). I've pretty much consigned myself to being on them for the rest of my life. But it's okay. The only bad thing is when I miss a dose.

If you start an AD, never ever let yourself miss a dose. Yick.

One really funny thing - Effexor is supposed to have a tendancy to cause somnolence, yet I only experience sleepiness when I /forget/ to take my pill.

Ultimately, the worst part about it is it's price... over $100 for a 30 day supply.

Effexor is better for not gaining weight too. There is also Wellbutrin, which does not have the sexual side effects of some drugs. Cymbalta is also another good AD with few side effects, it's one of the newer drugs. For some people Lexapro makes them sleepy, but the parent drug Celexa doesn't seem to have the same effect.

I would stay away from the older AD's like the tricyclic drugs, unless there is a real need for them. They have too many side effects.

Yes, I understand. I did the same thing but again remember to take time out for you! You need to be cared for too. Oh, when they get in deep with the lies covering lies it gets very difficult. I am glad you are getting C, just be sure to continue to provide a safe environment for him to come clean to you. Are you doing any sleuthing or just letting the C handle the process for now? When you say the conversations go "south" is that anger, denial or he just can't handle discussing it? That is awesome about your mom. Can I borrow her when you are done? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/tongue.gif" alt="" /> If you need a place to vent, you know you can come here right?

So sorry you are going through this. I am glad you posted for some help at least with the AD's.

Lexapro worked well for me except for weight gain and the nausea never completely went away. Helped me through the worst of it though. I did successfully wean off of it once I got to the point that I didn't feel they were helping anymore. I am doing fine now without them.

I think the exercise is a great idea, trying to work on that one myself. I am not a fan of medication, but I think AD are helpful in these situations if needed. Personally I am on Laxapro and have had good results. Minor side effects, the biggest one being sexual and trouble with having O. Which doesn't seem to be a problem for WW when we do have sex. Anyway just my $0.02.

Up until Sunday morning, I was still sleuthing. This weekend was an emotional breakthrough (breakdown?) for him. In our time together, the closest D has ever come to crying is getting a little teary eyed. Saturday, after talking for 2 hours, the waterworks started and he asked for help. For the next hour, I just held him and reassured him while he let it out. Sunday, we got "the talk" by mom and dad. We had a BBQ at our house that afternoon, and he held it together. After everyone left, he slipped into his withdrawal. I eliminated all distractions and we sat down to talk. He was feeling very hopeless. Again, he broke down and cried. Again, I held him for hours (through the night) while he let it out. I promised him a better day on Monday. I would be there for him and do my best to keep him upbeat and positive. Emotionally, he's just not capable of dealing with what he's done to himself and the people around him. We're getting him the IC he needs and I am doing my best to provide him with a safe environment. I'm focusing on the positive and leaving the hard stuff for our therapy sessions. When we try to deal with it on our own, it gets ugly. I try to stay calm and monotone, but the subject matter gets him riled up. He becomes angry and defensive. That leads into more hurtful words from him. Which, in turn, makes him feel worse because he didn't mean what he was saying...he was lashing out.


Vent, brainstorm, get advice, etc.

Just {{{OB1}}} for ya!

ohbratti1,

Sounds like your H needs to be on antiD's too. Is he?

I am one of those people that didn't believe in antiD's. I refused to take them at first. I went from Nov. to April (2nd D-day) without them and then wound up at the doctor's office crying my eyes out to them about my situation.

Everyone I knew told me to go on meds, so I finally caved in, and boy am I glad I did. They have helped me tremendously. I know this b/c I was on Lexapro and was tired all the time so I switched to Cymbalta. I had to wean myself off Lexapro and during that time I was miserable. Everyone around me noticed and when the Cymbalta kicked in, it was a huge difference. Now if I am just an hour late taking one, I feel the depression coming back.

I really like Cymbalta. It is pricey though. I don't know if you have insurance or not. I do have insurance, and I pay 40.00 for a 30 day supply. The side effects I got are gaining weight and I can't orgasm during sex (which doesn't bother me b/c we are sleeping in separate beds anyway and I'm not into SF at the moment). But I do think I might switch to Effexor b/c it is cheaper and hopefully I can orgasm again and lose the weight.

Good luck!

--CO

Hey hope your having a good day..
I've been on med's for almost 3 years, started on Zoloft, but I switched to Prozac about 2 yrs ago, Zoloft worked good but I felt kinda numb, on Prozac now and like it better. I felt less alert on Zoloft, and didn't really notice how much until the Doc switched me. Yes the meds help, but as you know there is no silver bullet, I agree with exercise and lots of prayer...

F-26