Just thought with all the break-ups and considering AGG will probably be making that hard step as well tonight. I think it is appropriate to start a "Break-up as (PAP) painlessly as possible tips" thread.

So here are my tips:

1. Do not obsess.

There will be flash-backs, pictures in your mind, memories, words spoken...these things will pop in your head so quickly and suddently you won't even know it's cominb, but it is up to you to also shut these off as soon as you find yourself thinking about the person, change those thought immediately. You will just find yourself obsessing if you don't.

2. Keep busy.

Very busy, make yourself because you will not want to do a thing. There will be a very big part of you wanting to be sad and do nothing, but it is important that you make yourself become active. Walk, exercise, get together with friends, call and talk to friends. If you don't, your sadness will build and you could eventually find yourself going through depression.

3. Do not listening to music that is sad, love songs, etc. turn the station, listen to instrumental music only, listen to talk shows, news just don't make yourself crazy by listening to those songs that will make you sad.

4. Take one day at a time. For today, I will not call him/her.

5. Know that this pain, this hurt, this loneliness will pass. That you will get through it and that it is the right thing for your future. We got through our divorces, we are strong enough to make through this too. For whatever reason the break up is, we know the last thing we want is someone wrong for us, someone who is not compatible, someone who does not have the same goals we do or someone who does not love us the way we should or loving them the way they deserve.

6. Find some humor in your life, it is there no matter what, laughter is the number 1 thing you need right now whether you think so or not...

Okay, anyone want to add?

Anna

Good list, Anna. I will add a couple of others, which apply if you are the dumper rather than the dumpee.

1. Make sure you are at peace with the decision. If you are not sure, if you will have remaining "what ifs", give it more time. Once you make the decision and the break, you may well be sad, but you should not be second-guessing yourself.

2. Make sure you take the high road during the breakup. That means no dishonesty, no being distant or weird hoping that the other person will break up with you thus saving you the bad guy status, and last and most important - no overlapping relationships or even starting to look around for a replacement. You owe your BF/GF the courtesy of ending the relationship on its own merits, not on the merits of "I found a better deal".

AGG

AGG,

Good additions.

I think that "don't date for a while out of respect for the other person" should be it's own # though. I think also, it should be out of respect for the person breaking up if your feelings were strong for the person as both need time to grieve.

I would also after reading your post like to add yet another one.

1. If at all possible, don't pick up your things at a later date. Often women and men wait and then make excuses to pick up this or that item to see the person again. That just prolongs it and makes it hard on both parties. If at all possible pick it up on the day of the break up. If not possible, pick it up just as soon as possible and drop the items they left off as soon as possible.

Also, on your first "make sure you are at peace with your decison." Mainly, I agree with you and I think that you proved me wrong on this break up with G. I thought for sure you would break up again but then I thought in the month or so G would talk you into getting back together again. After reading your last post, I now think that you and G are broke up for good and that you do have peace with it.On the flip side, though, I do think it is dangerous to go too long as I have seen people marry the wrong person, including myself, because of too much an attachment and staying together past the time we should have.

Speaking of break-ups. I broke up with J this week. Just really didn't want to make too big of a deal of it on here but it looks like this time it's also over for good. I know I'll have good days and not as good days getting through this. This morning I was a little sad, I dreamed about us all night last night which I haven't done all week, then of course, this is Friday, for one year every Friday morning J has called me with a "Good morning sweetie, Happy Friday" call. I missed him a lot this morning, but kept plugging at my work, got a whole lot accomplished and by afternoon snapped back out of it.

So, looks like now AGG, we are some what in the same boat once again. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> Although, I can't say it's because J wasn't compatible with me. We had a lot in common, he was wonderful, I loved his quirky, dorky side, I loved his sensitive caring side, we both loved to work out, loved doing just about anything and everything together, we never fought, he was my best friend and my lover, we shared a lot. I also loved the way he respected me, I never saw him once look at a woman's body while I was with him, even when beautiful women would try to get his attention, I have to respect that a lot. The only thing I could see we weren't compatible in was conversation, I love a person who can talk current events, talk about there thoughts, that was not J at all, he wasn't much of a talker or debater, but I compensated with having other friends who did meet that need, so J didn't need to.

Well gotta run. later.

Take care and good luck with your future.

Anna

{{{{{{{ Anna }}}}}}}

Good point. I have nothing at G's place, and will drop her stuff off (and her keys) this weekend, while she is gone...


Woo hoo, can I have this in writing??? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />


Oh, I understood that part, and I appreciated the guidance. I just hoped that I knew myself well enough to stay away from that trap, but you never know, so thanks!

Holy cow, Anna.. I am speechless... What happened? You never gave any indications of trouble brewing, only the reference that perhaps you were doing too much "fun dating" instead of really spending much time together... Who initiated it?


Yup, bummer <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.


Interesting, I could have said all the same about G (substitute "man" for "woman" etc <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" /> ).. It's only when I started looking past the dating part and towards the life together part that I started having problems with the relationship - G and I would have made wonderful companions... But there is a big difference between a companion and a partner!

Well, I am very sorry that this happened - hopefully you can tell us a bit more when you are ready!

AGG

No and this thread will self-distruct in 0.30 minutes. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />


I don’t mind talking about it.

The break up happened suddenly. I am so verbose, I’ll give the short of it for those who don’t want to hear the long of it.

J wants to consider marriage in 4 to 5 years, he does not want to commit to an engagement until then either, that use to be my goal but now due to changes in my life, I want to consider engagement in a year and marriage in two to three years.

The long of it for those who have time to read a short book...

When J and I first met, my sons have been through a lot, a divorce and a tragedy quickly afterwards, there was no way I would consider another change in their lives, they needed stability, plus for me, my marriage was a very painful time,.

I am very happy now for the first time in years, even with ex's drama still linguring in the background, there's a peace in my household I have never had...I feel so independent, I have healed from all the pain of my marriage and ready to move forward, my goals are changing.

My sons are happy, stable, thriving in school and sports, older son has new positive friends. I have seen the flip side of what a wonderful man can be like towards me. J is so calm, so gentle, such a wonderful person. I can’t seem to find many incompatibilities at all. So the last couple of months I think possibly I can see marriage in my life sooner. I mentioned it to J and said something like, "In a couple of years if I consider marriage, would you?" Without hesitation he said "yes, of course".

I pretty much knew we were compatible as a couple, but didn’t know as much how we would do with my boys interacting as well. So, recently, I started inviting him over more to be with me and my kids. The last 6 months he'd go to son's baseball games, even volunteered with me at older son's swim meets, etc. but the last couple of months I started inviting him to dinner, to spend time with me and the boys during the “every other” weekend that I usually spent mainly with them...this labor day weekend was spent with J, me and the boys BBQing, J brought over icecream and cokes one night and we made floats. He played video games with my boys, etc.

However, there were several little hints that made me think that I was the only one who really wanted to see if there was compatibility. While J would go a long, the effort didn’t seem to be there with him.

So I could see we needed to really talk about this, as he had known two years ago I wasn't considering marriage and wouldn't be for another 4 or 5 years and this was a suddent change.

Last weekend I sat down with J and said to him, "We need to make sure we are on the same page. This is what I want. I want us to spend time with the boys, see if we are still compatible as a unit, to eventually determine if there is marriage in the future for us and I am hoping if there is, not putting a specific date on it but within the next year we could become engaged with the thought that within around the coming two years, we would be married." “I would like to know what your goal is?”
He seemed shocked, I saw him blink hard, almost like he was thinking, “Did I see what I think I just saw look"…and he said, "I have thought about you as my wife and what that would be like some day, and I have thought about marriage with us, but I have always thought it would be 4 or 5 years though." I said, "I know but things have changed in my life, and while I don't want to marry before older son goes to college, I would like to consider the possibility of marriage before younger son is 18." I said, ‘It also occurred to me recently that I really want more of a guaranty some time in the near future that we are working towards marriage, and this does mean eventually becoming formally engaged.”

He said, "I'm sorry, I think you are moving faster than me, I want to consider it in 4 or 5 years.”

I left and said I really had to think about things more.
He was sad, he didn’t want to see me go, but I went…

I knew immediately it was time for us to say good bye. A good friend of mine suggested giving it time to all process. Monday J calls me, I answer, he says, “I know you were upset and our talk didn’t go well, just calling to let you know I do love you very much and I am hoping you are okay.” I said, I am. Then he said, I am going to work out, do you feel up to going? …I told him not tonight. Tuesday he called again, I said not tonight again. It then occurred to me Wednesday he’ll call and ask me out for the weekend, and I shouldn’t prolong this any longer. I wanted to tell him in person but since we talked face to face over the weekend, and since sons had activities most of the week, I decided to tell him over the phone. I hope that wasn't the cowards way out. Anyway, So I called Tuesday night. When I told him, his voice was shaking, I couldn’t hold back and cried, I couldn't tell if he was crying or not, but I do know that his voice was very shaky at this point. I was surprised he was shocked, but he was. He didn’t want to hang up, he said he knew I was upset but thought we could work through this, I eventually told him I needed to go because I was getting too upset. We haven’t talked since. Honestly, I don’t think he’ll change his mind, I think he’s 38 never been married and that’s the way he wants it. I think he did love me very much but I wasn’t “the one” and while I am sure he will miss me it will not be enough to change something this important.

Wow, when I spill it, I really spill it…

AGG, I hope you are doing okay this weekend, I am very sorry it didn't work out with you and G too. I smile when someone on here finally meets the "one", and the day will come when I get to congratulate you, I am sure, and then like JFK JR said when he met his wife...(one of my very favorite quotes, I am sure I posted it on MB before), "Now I know why all the others did not work out."

Night,

Anna

Anna, I am glad you are holding up OK - you and J have a very long history, so I know this must hurt. Sorry <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />.

I am still suprised at the reason for the breakup - certainly if things were going as well as you said, is there really that big a difference between a 2 year and a 4 year timeframe for marriage?

I am sensing something, and please tell me if I am wrong, but it really seems that you were basically ready for marriage (not today, not next year, but you could visualize it with J), whereas J had more "in the present" kind of attitude - "it's working now, so sure, at some point we'll probably get married, but hey, let's not worry about that, let's live in the here and now".

Am I close? Because if that is how you saw his attitude, then I would also be questioning the relationship. I know you were crazy about J, but his attitude has often struck me as someone who is not ready for, or worse, interested in, marriage. Yes, he loved being in a relationship, but I don't see how a guy can be 38 and still think of marriage as one of those "in the future" things - unless he really does not want the married life.

He seems to be similar to GG's and Lexxxy's BFs, guys who never married and it is far from clear if they even want to. Oh well.

Sometimes I wonder why there are all these guys out there who talk about dating someone for 4-5 years or more before even thinking about marriage. Heck, if I were like that, I could still be having fun dating G, with not a care in the world. I guess I don't want to be that way, though, because I have a family to take care of, and no time for "fun dating". Hmmm, maybe that's what it's all about - those of us with kids are quite different from the never married no kids crowd (I know, there are always exceptions), and we kinda want to know and plan our future. In other words, we are OK with fun dating, but if we find someone we feel compatible with, we want to see it grow to something more than just dating for years and years. What do you think?

I know you are right, Anna, and one day we'll meet Mr/s Right and know why all the others were wrong - but like you said on my other thread, after finding someone who is "so close", I really dread going out again and starting to weed through the crap.

AGG

Hey B2M, Thank you so much for the hug!!! you are so sweet!

AGG,



My short version was wrong and misleading, I am sure that is why the surprise, I need to edit that. I could have worked on a compromise with our time differences but the thing that ended it for me was J is unwilling to commit to even an engagement to show me that he is really serious about marriage even if it's in 4 to 5 years. Big sign to me that just perhaps I am like G was, close to being the one but not the one but unlike you, J won't face that or it could be that he just doesn't want to marry any one. Either way, now that my goals have changed, I need to move on.


Yes close on J being very "in the present" guy. It is something J has admitted, has been reading on relationships and how to adjust to a more traditional way of thinking, has made mounds of progress and is very committed in our relationship but just couldn’t make the next step of engagement.

Maybe I am kidding myself but I do think he was different from the guys out there who just want to date, no commitment. J committed to loving me, he reads and tries to improve himself and our relationship, he was there for me when I was at my worse being sick, when I needed his support through my kids adventures, etc. etc. This year especially J has proved to me that he just doesn't want the all fun and no getting into the serious issues.

When I came on MB and said it seems like J and I are just out having fun and not really experiencing life experiences. I really thought through my issue with that. Thinking about it now, I resolved it in my mind but never came back on MB and said my conclusion. We had experienced many issues together, I think that the thing that was throwing me off is that we were so compatible, our relationship was so easy going, we had few issues between us and those issues seemed to compromise very easily between the two of us, J was great with pitching in and doing his share on everything, helping out, and he was there for me, wanting to help me in any way with the issues I faced in my career, with my children, etc.. The only thing I needed to do in my mind now was spend more family time, not couples time.

The big clue that maybe we weren’t on the same page, was when I was thinking about how I told J a few months back that I was really ready to have him spend more time with me and the boys at the same time, even though he was receptive to this and said he was wanting it to, and even though this past couple of months he’s been willing to spend this time together, it occurred to me that I was the one doing all the inviting…and I asked myself…Has J ever asked me and the boys over to his place? Nope. Even though he invites me to his parents now…Has he ever invited me and the boys over in the past year? Nope….

I think you did hit on something when you said there's a difference between the single mom and dads and the singles who have never been married. Even though G does want marriage, J and G have never been married and they both seem to lack a lot of maturity in so many ways, and I think that maturity comes with all the things we have to live through, through marriage and through our children. Coincidentally too, G and J have very similar backgrounds. J comes from a very wealthy family, different from G though, he was an only child but from what I see he got just about what he wanted from them, and still can. The difference I see though, is J is the one who has constantly bring his parents down to earth, he budgets a lot and does not spend the money he really could spend, he has to tell his parents "No, do not buy me, get me anything else, I do not need a better car, I do not want this stock etc., I do not need new furniture..etc. etc.!" while G seems to love it. J's parents are retired, they seem to focus so much on J, I think he is what makes them so happy, it seems to make them so happy when J accepts their gifts.

So true, and what you said about going through mounds of pictures and women stating “I can go out in my comfy jeans or put on a cocktail dress…”etc. etc. I so know how you feel! I need time to get past J and my relationship, but even then I do not want to go through all those mounds of mens pics and read, “This really isn’t my thing but my friends talked me into it”….etc. etc.

I have to run now. Incredibly I have allowed my son to purchase a pig...FFA...'splains it all! I have to go pick him up as today is a work day to get the barns ready. The pigs come in in October. Two times a day we will be going to this place to feed this pig. My sister said, "What are you thinking? Did you not keep in mind, your child tells you and begs you to buy them an animal but YOU will be the one who feeds and takes care of it and you let him get a PIG." So funny! Oh and not to even mention...I am alergic to cow hair which will be all around the area. Have I totally lost my mind!? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/confused.gif" alt="" />

Huh...
I read you both guys, and I just see how similar we are, and I learnt more about myself going through your stories, your feelings...
And I can't stop wondering... we have our children and we are devoted parents... to raise our children to be decent people when they grow up is obviously our main long-term goal, and it is hard as it gets... so speaking of 'romance' - why can't we 'live in the present' too, why can't we 'forget future' and have some 'just fun' in life...?? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />
I guess, if soo, it wouldn't be who we are anymore...


Well, I'm going now to take my dad fishing... I found out it makes me sooo relaxed... and hopefully 'forget' that future is uncertain (hi wiftty <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />) and enjoy Today, even if I have no fish for supper. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Bingo!! I was thinking about you and J this morning, before I read your response, and I was going to come on here and post that the more I thought about it, the more convinced I became that J did not want marriage. Sorry. So I was not surprised to see your post, Anna.

I believe that J, not unlike Lexxxy's and GG's BFs, or probably most late 30's early 40's NMNK guys, is simply not the marrying type. I think there is a big, HUGE difference between someone who has always been looking but simply hasn't found anyone (e.g. G), and someone who hasn't felt ready to "settle down" all through their 30's. And I think this is why G was looking at a 1-2 year timeline of dating before marriage (because she WANTED to get married) and J (and M and L) seem to be more in the "many years away, if ever" timeline (because they love the single lifestyle).

As we discussed on Lexxxy's thread, a person can be totally committed to a relationship (e.g. J), but not have any intent to marry. And, as we discussed, there is a huge difference between the two. Committed relationship is a rental, you can leave any time without too much guilt. Marriage is a purchase, and it does box you in and tie you down.

I think that marriage-type people like us MB folks actually like the security of marriage (with the right person, of course), while others may never want to be so tied down. I think that J, M, and L fall into the latter category.

And, most importantly, I think that when a marriage person meets a non-marriage person, it is a huge difference that cannot be overcome. Sure, initially the non-marriage person says "hey, sure, we'll get married in 5 years or so", because it seems so far away, and because s/he knows that the marriage person needs to hear that. And the marriage person thinks, "heck, I can wait 5 years, I am in no hurry". But I think in time, the non-marriage person gets settled in the dating/relationship mindset and feels happy as pig in slop, and the marriage person starts getting subtle signals that there may never be a marriage in the future - and then there is an impasse or a breakup.



LMAO.. Must be something in the air - I am now thinking of getting my kids a kitten, something I was gonna do last Hanukkah but didn't because I just met G and she was allergic to cats.

Oh well Anna, you seem to be holding up very well. FWIW, I think you did the right thing and I am proud of you.

AGG

This is spooky, B2M - I was just pondering this exact thing, and I think I'll start a new thread on this topic, as it is something that I am really curious about. Stay tuned <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

Hey, at least my son's pig has the chance to get my son scholarships and scholarship money. Some man starting talking to me when I was leaving my son. He asked if the water was turned on in our barn, it wasn't, then he asked my son's name, what school, yada, yada, then he said, this is our forth year and last year my son's pig auctioned for $7,800. Woohoo....so later picking up my son he said, "I want to take it home when it's a baby." I said, "No way, this is not a pet, this is your college fund! Do not get attached! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> HAH!

As well as you do too. I think divorce toughens us all...

OK, maybe we need to resurrect this topic. Here I am three weeks after breaking up with G, and she now started e-mailing again asking for my "reasons".

I have tried three approaches, none of which worked.

One was to stay fairly superficial, as in "We are too different". She kept saying "but help me understand!"

So I gave a few general reasons - "we are different in how we manage and prioritize our time, money, activities. We have totally different energy levels". To which she said "What are you talking about, the only thing different is the sleep pattern, and I am working on it!"

So I gave a few direct examples "you have piles of stuff, you couldn't go to camping/baseball/matinee with us, you don't cook or clean, you are not financially independent". Well, of course she had an explanation/justification/reason for each one.

Anyway, this is mostly a vent, and I know the only thing to do now is to go dark. It just saddens me because I can see her sitting here, thinking, "AGG was this nice guy, but he was so critical and unaccepting of me, and rigid, that he ruined a perfectly good relationship". I really wish that she would understand, and learn from it, instead of debating with me...

Any other thoughts?

AGG

my "woman's" point of view...

2 different people on 2 different pages. you were ready to end the relationship, she was not. so, in her mind she has all the answers to your reasons why you broke up. and yes, as a woman i can relate and i agree that she is probably thinking, when she thinks "angrily" about the situation, that you should have been more accepting of "who she is" because she i am sure feels that she accepted you for who you are. we women, when we are the ones being "dumped" will sit around and think forever and wonder "why?". you can give us a hundred reasons and we still want to know why. i think it is just the nature of the beast agg.

if we dump you, it is a whole diff story. we have our reasons. we don't sit around and think about them. but being "dumped" is rejection, like it or not. and rejection requires reasons. she needs to feel better and to think she was not the reason it ended. she is trying to do that by continually asking you for reasons. she is trying to make sense out of something she sees as senseless. and she is trying to hang onto you, for now, through the emails and questions. it is hard to completely let go all at once. in 9 months you obviously got very very close and even looked at this together as a long term thing at one point. we women don't let go over night when things were that close. (i should say we women does not mean ALL women, there are some who are different i know... just covering by butt here for those who may not agree with me).

you may have to go dark. answer her questions once than dark. it feels cold to do but she will move on eventually and heal from this hurt. just assure her agg that it was not all her and her stuff that caused the break up. she just wasn't right for YOU, but maybe perfect for someone else. in your eyes for what you need there were some things you would have liked to see change about her habits. but maybe to another man she will be just perfect the way she is. so i cannot reiterate enuff to please just be sure she isn't left thinking it was all her.

2 different people on 2 different pages agg... that is what it is to me.

mlhb

Thanks mlhb <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />. I went out of my way to tell her exactly that - that it's not that she is bad, just bad for me, just like I am bad for her.

So she comes back saying "I don't get it, how am I bad for you, we were perfect!!". Ugh.

I will go totally dark, because as you said, she just won't get "why" no matter how I try to explain it. So I'll stop trying. Thanks <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />.

AGG

any time agg, any time...

hey, next round is on you ok?
hehe

mlhb