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Joined: Oct 2006
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dj6307 Offline OP
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I believe my husband of 3 years has too much of an interest in looking at super skimpy bikini girls on the internet. He has even gotten into looking at some porn, but not sure if he is still doing this. I have caught him several times looking at both (even masturbating) and have confronted him as well let him know that I am not happy about it. The main reason I am not happy is because he is doing this when I am not around and then lies about it saying he is not doing it. There have been many times when I walk into the room he closes the browser window real fast like he is hiding something. I know what he is doing. When he does fess up he tells me he is doing it to get ideas for me and he only thinks about me when he looks at the other girls. He says his feelings don't change for me when he does it and he doesn't do it to hurt me. He has purchased me several of these bikinis during our marriage and when we were dating. I really like the bikinis and he loves them of course but I think that he can't get enough of them out of me so he goes online to look at them. When I get upset about it he tells me that he won't look at them online anymore unless I am with him to look at them too. But this promise doesn't last long and he is back to looking for himself. I am not jealous of the other girls, but it does concern me that I can't trust him and the fact that he is lying. I think that this might lead to something worse like cheating (although he says he would never do that). I also don't know if I am overreacting to this and whether or not this is normal for a husband to do to his wife. I realize that men love to look at beautiful women and I don't have a problem with this, but when they are wearing next to nothing and sneaking around looking at them online is when I get upset. We are actively trying to get pregnant and this makes me a little nervous when I have this issue with him. I told him last time I caught him sneaking around online that if it happens again we are going to go get some marriage counseling due to me not being able to trust him and for his overactive sexual drive. We do have great sex together, but our 2 - 4 times per week doesn't seem to be enough for him. Other than this he is a great husband and very affectionate towards me all of the time and treats me very well except for this lying. I caught him again this morning which looked like he was on a discussion board with a bikini website. These are only the times I am catching him....he is most likely doing this much more often at work (he is self employed). Should I go forward with the marriage counseling? Any other advice that might help me with my plight? Thank you.

Joined: Jul 2006
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This activity is just like a drug, first you see the online stuff and eventually there is not enough there to please, so he moves on. I would seek help now, see if he will seek help with you and find a way to resolve this pattern and fill the need with something else. This is what I would call an emotional affair, and any kind of affair is not healthy to your marriage. If he is indeed hiding his activity from you, or at least lying about it, he is aware that it is not a healthy activity for the two of you, and lying is not healthy to your trust in him, so even if he thinks it is harmless, there are issues that errode the foundation of the marriage.


Phil
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I respectfully disagree with philc on this. Most guys (even those who say they NEVER do this) have done this or do this at times. In most cases this has nothing to do with him having feelings for other women or not loving his wife immensely. People grossly over react to this, while the lying can be a concern, maybe he lies to you because of your reactions to this behavior. Ask him what his desires are, what turns him on, etc...maybe he is reaching out in a way because he is unable to speak to you about his fantasies. Just a thought, I do not want you to get the impression that because he is doing this that he is automatically an awful person. Talk to him first, ask him to open up (you open up as well) before seeking counseling.

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This caused my best friends divorce! She had found out that he was doing this and didn't no if it had become more than just the internet. If you confront them, they will probably lie anyways. After he left, she found disgusting pictures on the computer and ended up never turning that computer on again. I don't know if it was the thrill of so many women on the internet or the possibility of getting caught.

You're worth more than that!

By the way, if you find boxes that are marked confidential or personal of his, don't look. Mine had porn in there!

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dj6307 Offline OP
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Thank you to all who have replied so far. I am glad to have replies on both sides of this issue, but does confuse me a little. I do wish I knew exactly how much he is doing this behind my back. That would help me decide what I need to do. When I have confronted him in the past about this, I have a rational conversation with him as to why he does it. He gives me his reasons and then tells me he won't do it anymore if he knows it upsets me so much. But like I said that promise doesn't seem to last long. I ask him what he would think if the roles were reversed and I was looking at men online. I thought he had got my point.

As far as his fantasies go, I'm pretty sure I satisfy them.....maybe not every single one, but there are some things I am not comfortable with and he is fine with that.

I had found porn on our computer shortly after we got married, but I know he erased it all and don't think there is any more, but who knows.....it's probably pretty easy to hide that stuff.

I dearly love my husband and hope that something like this would not lead to divorce. He knows that I do not believe in getting divorced unless cheating is involved. I have told him that infidelity is the only reason I would end our marriage. But honesty and trust are huge too. If he would lie about this, what else would he lie about?

I welcome more comments and will do a little more reading on the possibility of an emotional affair.

Thank you.

Joined: Oct 2006
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I shared this with my best friend and she wanted me to pass the following on to you.

Here goes...

My husband was also into porn when we first got married. I confronted him
on several occasions. At the time when our son was younger, I found
explicit CDs right by the computer where our son would play games. I
confronted him immediately and said he wouldn't do it any longer. With the
popularity of the internet...things just got progressively worse over the
years. I suggested counseling, each time he said he'd stop...

Towards the end of our marriage...yes, the end of our marriage, things got
much worse. He had purchased a web cam and I found naked pictures of him on
the computer. He had been communicating with other web-cam people (men &
women). All of this was going on while I was sleeping in the room next door
and our son could have also potentially walked in at any time. When I
discovered this I confronted him again and told him if he had any respect
for me whatsoever he would not do this in our house...it continued.

One day he took me out for dinner to tell me that he didn't love me
anymore...after being together for 14 years. What he was actually saying is
that he chose his internet porn lifestyle over his family.

It's an illness and an addiction. Do not take it lightly. Especially in
light of the fact that you are trying to get pregnant. What is going to
happen if you can't satisfy his sexual needs during your pregnancy. Who is
he going to turn to? It doesn't always just stay on the computer...my ex
had been emailing several women as well...whose to say he never met up with
them?

I'm not trying to scare you, but I do stress...take this very seriously. I
would highly recommend not a marriage counselor, but perhaps a sex
therapist.

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dj6307 Offline OP
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Thank you for sharing happysangel, I am going to take your advice and move forward with the situation. But I need to find out how often he is engaging in this activity first, without him knowing. I don't like the idea of being a spy, but if he is doing this everyday or even a couple of times a week, that gives me more ground to demand that he quits and we go see a therapist.

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I'll pass this on to my friend. She is going to join the list herself. She was at least greatful to know that she is not the only one having/had to deal with it. That's why she had frank advice.

Take Care and Good Luck.

I'll say a prayer for you :-)

Joined: Dec 2006
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I don't think you are overreacting, but I can understand why you would feel that way. I have the same type of problems. My husband and I have been married for a year. I have caught him looking at porn on the internet several times. I have stayed gone for days because of it. And I recently caught him in the garage masturbating to a x rated magazine. He doesn't tell me he will stop. He says I am overreacting, and that most men look at porn. He says he will do what he wants. I know he does not do it all of the time, but it bothers me. What I want to say to you is if you get pregnant the problem will get worse. I was nine months pregnant when I saw the porn on the internet, and I felt awful. When you are pregnant your hormones are crazy and sometimes you feel like a wale. So, when your husband is looking at that you can't help but feel insecure. I told him I will not tolerate him disregarding my feelings. That is what you should do too. Stand your ground and realize your feelings should matter. But if they don't take your feelings into consideration anyways; there definitely wrong. Unfortunately, like you I don't know what to do, but I know that I am not going to tolerate it.
Good luck to you.


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