Hey - Faith (and others who know my story...)

I received an email from XW this morning. Her father is going senile - and he was one of the sharpest attorneys and best entertainers in his town. It is very hard on her and her sister. And he has lucid moments, and it is as hard on him as you might imagine. XW wants to take the kids out of state to visit him, but is afraid to bring it up with me. I have been formulating a letter to give to her to tell her it is time to decohabit (I know - I know - procrastination is one of my strong traits....) I recently told her I was praying for him, and got his # and have been trying to call him just to offer my prayers. That touched her.

I have been given thoughts lately of the possibility of a need to write her a letter, explaining that it would be best for our kids if we worked things out. I would explain that I have moved on emotionally, and that if anything happened, she would have a LOT of work to do. I doubt that she would do it.

I have realized lately that it will be best for my kids if XW and I are friends.

I have wondered about the possibility of a future with XW. But one can only be stabbed in the back so many times. I have reached my quota. I am not even sure if it is worth saying anything. I would love to send her and the kids to XFIL's house for a couple of months, but the whole out of state custody battle kills it. I will not allow her to take the kids out of state, without a golden legal contract, which we do not have yet.

Then I get this....



I have tears in my eyes. I am not sure why.

Comments?

far

Well...it's up to YOU as to what you're willing to accept from XW in the relationship department. If YOU are comfortable with being 'just friends' with her, that's fine. Let her know that.

If not...then make that clear to her as well.

I can't imagine how hard it might be living with your XW. Not something I could manage, I'm sure. I'm sorry to hear about xFIL...that kind of thing is tough on everyone.

{{FAR}}

Firstly, check with your atty before you allow her to take the kids out of state. It worries me, too.

Second, as Owl said if YOU want to develope a friendship with your XW and see if more comes of it then please for your own sake develop some firm boundaries. I will be praying for you.

foundareason,

What an absolutely perfect letter to put the D back on YOU.That is a classic tactic to get the blame back on YOUR head where she feels it belongs.

Now if the letter had started " I can not believe how wrong I was to do what I did. Will you/can you ever forgive me" then you have a true non-manipulative note.

This email was not for you , it was done for her.

Just my opinion.

X2

Sounded just like manipulation to me. I can't belive you are still involved in this. You don't need friends like this. You need true friends.

I think is wanting develop a friendship with his X to make this transistion easier on the kids. That is why I said clear boundaries need to be in place so FAR does not get hurt or used again.

Translation: "I suddenly need something from you so now I want to suck up to you and be friends so I can get it. Is that okay with you?"

Please keep your eyes wide open. I totally agree with Cymanca.
Mulan

I would have to agree with Cymanca here, but ultimately it is up to you far.

If you become friends it will ease her pain and guilt.

Be careful before you expose your back again to her.

Good to hear from you though.

I am neck deep in my own emotional crisis and with out reading more of your story, I am going to just comment on what you said here.

If I seperate from my wife, I plan on doing mostly the same as you. That is cohabitation and friendships for the kids. That is as you know a tough road to travel, but I have made this choice based on my past.

My first wife cheated on me and I let her have her own space, we lived in seperate houses and tried to be friends. When she asked me if she could take my 2 year old son for a vacation to her mothers house across the country, I was eager to please her to build some points... I wanted to take him camping.

That was the last I saw of her or him for 2 years!

I will never let another woman do that to me, and I would caution you against letting even the possibility of it happen to you.

As you said, you are apprehensive about it in the first place with out a leagal contract in place. Let that be your rock in every and all negotiation with her. If she is truly your friend and wants to continue on a path of friendship, she will understand your wants and needs to not only protect yourself, but her and your childeren.

Its cheesy I know, but I think this is a time for the "Total radical Honesty" policy.

Just my humble 2 cents.

Good Luck,
Vash

Owl - thanks. It was hard living at first, but has eased. It is more convoluted than it comes across - but we essentially are typically not there at the same times, except a few evenings. I appreciate you urging me to look out for me.

FF - BOUNDARIES. I need those.

Cymanca, BK, SO- every opinion counts. That is why I brought it to the council. Thank you - I will incorporate everything said here.

Mulan - she needs my support. Also - she visited some kind of legal center (the bill came in the mail) and received something from the state child support department. I think she was trying to force more money out of me. She was very pissy at me for a couple of days after that. I suspect she was informed that the judge's statement --that we will work out spousal and child support upon decohabitation, her money is hers, my money is mine-- stands firm. That is really just speculation. I know she is in a lot of pain. The wine bottles tell me that. Her dad is going down. I know I would hurt. (I wrote about dad today in the AD forum...) So - yes - I know she wants something. I do not know if she is coniving, or just trying to ease her pain and get support.

Hope - thanks for watching my back. I will keep it against the wall. Trust me.

Vash - you summed up my greatest fear. I hurt for you in that situation.

I will never be less than a daily part of my kids lives. I am fairly well prepared to make sure of that legally.

Thanks, all. There is no rush except FIL's sitch, and really XW made a lot of the decisions over the last couple of years. It is time to reap the crop - and her father might not get to see these kids, or they him. Sad. But I am fairly well detached at this point. I must watch out for my kids. They need their father in their life.

Got my back against the wall, and my ear to the screen.

Thanks for interpreting. I really appreciate it.

far

FAR,

Why not offer to go WITH your wife and kids to visit her father, with the stipulation that you and the kids will not be separated at any time during the trip? Can you do that? Would that protect you and the kids from her trying to move them to the other state?

FAR,

Who knows what is going on with her? Does it matter?

As a friend of mine stated...until you see and hear "tears of repentence" then it is nothing but manipulation. She may be sorry...but still not sorry for what she has done. She is sorry the way her life turned out, but not sorry enough to accept responsibility for it and to make the changes needed.

Words are words. Actions are actions. Ask yourself...is she sorry? Has she changed? If not, then continue on your mission.

Take care of the kids...keep your boundaries as stated before. if you decide to, you can email/mail her and just let her know that friendship with her comes with the whole package. It really is an all or nothing deal. You dont need to be "friends" for the sake of the kids. You can be cordial...you can work together for their good. But that doesnt mean friendship, as if you all will hang out together and the like.

Until you see tears of repentence, then this is just another WS wanting it all.

Oh yeah...and glad to see you are doing pretty good!

MM, as uusal you sum it up perfectily.

Lady C- I can not afford to travel with them. I do not anticipate that XW would try any funny business - but read Vash's comments. It aint worth it. I will likely get an RO next week, just for added protection.

MM - good to hear from you. I agree with you. I will keep my back to the wall, do what I need for me and the kids, and see what she does. I am not sure there is a future for her and I, because of where I am now. She would really have to do a lot. A LOT. Crying - repenting - changing. I just do not see it happening. And - she is just exploring the "friend" thing....

I need friends who have not betrayed me.

I need to stay focused on my mission.

How are you?

far

Okay. Getting things rolling again. Not much contact with my wife. Spending most of my time chasing the kids around. And getting my new business up and running.

A lot less stress nowadays!!

I think de-cohabitation and a complete financial break will reduce my stress.

I will offer prayers for you.

far