DISCLAIMER: I had intended for this to be a positive post, but it sounds quite depressing to me. Therefore it may not be helpful for those in the beginnings of reconciliation.

I know that many of you do not know me, but I do check in everyday, and I mean everyday. (OK weekends are hard but I try to take a peek)

I am not really sure why I am checking in tonight. In reading tonight I got to feeling a bit nostalgic and finally have some time to post.

We are 6 years 3 months from d-day, and still reconciling. It has been a long hard fight, and I am not going to say that we have this wonderful marriage now, and I am thankful that the affair woke us up to our problems. I honestly think that even to this day I wish I had never found out (and I know that just about everyone out there disagrees with this) but FOR ME the pain was too much, took such a toll on me, my poor children, and it is still there.

The affair still enters my head everyday. I still wonder about his child almost everyday. The child has been adopted by her last husband, and really was never a major issue with my problems with healing. The affair has been the problem, the child is an innocent person that didn't ask for all this. I do hope he is happy and well cared for. He is 6 1/2 now.

6 years, and sometimes I still wonder why, I still want to slap him silly, and am still struggling to find me.

Don't get me wrong. I love my H very much. I am glad we are still together. I want to grow old together. But I read posts of others that truly feel reconciled and wonder...where are we going wrong. There are days that things are great, more often than not. But then one of us will do something, and we start the old stuff again.

I really think that we reconciled all wrong. And I mean for us. I know that there is no right or wrong way. But we went thru so many marriage counselors, I know that he would never step foot in another office again. And I know that I focused on all the wrong things in therapy, and in life. I think I skipped over dealing with the issues of the affair, marriage and healing, and wanted to rush on with our lives, making a lot of mistakes along the way. I focused on finding comfort in all places but where I should have, with him. He was/is there. He wants to be here, be with me, says he loves me. He has been open, dealt with me questioning, doubting for these past years, and is still here. I am so sure that he is tired of it. This man is an open book, hides nothing, has given me no reason to suspect anything.

But I sit here as a shell of what I once was, taking on all to fill every moment so that I don't have to think. This is not an ah-ha moment, not just a recent revelation. I think it is more of an admission, to finally say it because you know what, I have been keeping this inside for at least a year now.

I know I need help with depression. I need to either get my meds right, or remember to take them!! I take them for about 2 months, no help so I take them when I remember. I have been struggling with depression since before I met him. And therapy would probably help.

So my life is so bogged down with girl scouts, working at a mothers day out program, starting a new hobby to be a part time job...am I still trying to fill that void? I also get so overwhelmed that with all that I am taking on the things that I want to keep up with are being pushed aside. I loved to prune my houseplants. They are lucky if they get water once a month. I love my animals but hardly have any time to spend with them.

People on the outside, at scouts, at the church daycare program see a different person. Even my H sees a different person, than what I am truly feeling inside. They would not guess I feel this lost.

I started this post to say that life does go on after an affair, but somewhere all this crap came gushing out. It may be the anonymity of a forum in that I finally feel I can let it out, and happened to have the time. Whatever it is, it is here, and as much as I want to delete it all and start to tell you how wonderful I feel...

Anyway, I do not want it to come out all wrong. I truly feel blessed in my life. I have a wonderful husband, I have 4 awesome children, I am branching out and trying to find my way, and enjoying myself. It is just when I have a chance to STOP this all comes into my head...

I just want the bad thoughts to go away...

gosh and here I thought I was doing so well...

I so want to hit "delete" so bad because I do not want to sound like I am looking for sympathy, for someone to say "Bless her heart" ... I really wanted to let you all know that life can be good...
AAAARRRGGGHHHH

Now I know you said this wasn't for newbies, but I had to read it. I'm only about 3 month since d-day but still feel like I'm not ever going to be able to get past it. The thought of my W being with another man just kills me. It has totally changed who I am. Your post was actually really good for. It reassures me that I can still have a good marriage eventhough the thoughts of the affair may still enter my mind everyday - even 6 yrs from now.

I just really struggle know that she was capable of doing such a thing. I hate the way I feel and get very depressed at time.

Anyway, I just wanted to say thank you for the post and I am glad you didn't delete it.

Thanks,

Thanks for your post, it was encouraging, your sign on Not Giving Up is also encourage. I guess I am a newbie, 16 months since my d-day of 2 alleged OC by the same OW and I feel like enough is enough, I need to change my environment, or demand my h step up and make some critical choices.

I can't imagine 6 years out, I can't even imagine 6 months from today. It is still day by day for me.

God Bless You
Ann

NGU, I couldn't ignore your post I will share with you where I am.
My H's affair took place 1992 Spring and he didn't finally end it until May 1993. We have 5 wonderful children, the fifth was born while he was deciding to stay or go.The OC was conceived 4mos after my son was. He was born in Sep'93, she was born in Jan'94. (Ironically she was born the day before our 20th anniversary. In Jan we celebrate our 33rd anniversary and we are glad we are still together.
We reached this point due to perseverance and both of us willing to work. One thing I did was FORGIVE THEM. That doesn't mean I forgot, I just forgave them. He, albeit reluctantly, has always been willing to answer my questions. I don't think about it anymore unless there is a trigger, and there will always be triggers.
We never see her because he chose not. We do have it written down he can, but he didn't want to. He felt it wouldn't be fair to her or our children. ( They don't know about their half sister.) We pay CS and she is carried on our insurance, medical and dental. ( Those bills are triggerss) Iam waiting until she is 18 and we no longer have to pay for his stupidity. But sadly, when she is 18, so is my "baby".
This is getting long. I'll stop. However moving past this situation is possible. Maybe what you need is examine things and find what makes you happy withing your marriage.
Remember to always love yourself.

**************edit*************

Marriage Builders========SUPPORT SITE

Hey NGU, An oldie here who hasn't logged on in forever. And what do I see, another oldie. Hate to hear your personal recovery hasn't been good. Keep the faith ole girl. You can do this for yourself. Claim your happiness.
I'll be praying for you.
Z.

I am a little over a year from d-day. My husband and I divorced over it all. He has a child with the OW that is 2 months younger than our youngest child. I have good days and bad days. I am still a combination of angry, hurt, and numbness. He is wanting to put our family back togther, but I don't know if I can. I want to, I just don't know if I can. I was very glad to read your words. Sometimes I feel like this desolation has gone on too long and that I am just holding on to my heartache. I am glad to know that I am not alone in these feelings no matter how long it has been. I pray everyday and hope that god will grant me the grace to know what to do. I will pray for you and I hope that you find some measure of peace in your life. God bless.

NGU,

I am 2yrs, 2mos, 24 days post d-day. That day just sticks and you can always count it down. My DH chose NC. He has been truly remorseful, has answered questions when asked (I haven't wanted to know a lot), I think issues with depression, especially if they existed before, are a big part of our difficulties. I have gone the opposite direction. I have pulled back from all the extracurricular stuff. Time to focus on me, slow down. It's easy to just keep yourself so busy that you don't have time to feel, or think. I think in the end that doesn't really help us.

It's great to see some of the people that have responded to you and know that they still drop in and check things out. There isn't alot of activity here since I joined. I have found the most help from going back in the archives to posts from those "oldies just dropping in" to help heal the pain. Knowing that we are not the only one going through something like this. It feels very isolating. It feels more isolating than "just" the A. (Like just an A isn't devastating enough).
It's a long road with the OC. It's 18 years, always waiting for the other shoe to drop. What is OW going to do, say, or want, or "How is she going to **ck with my life now?" It's always there in the background and isn't going to go away.. That is hard to deal with in the long term. All we can do is try to make the M, the best we can and heal from the A. Make the M into something that we thought it was, wanted it to be.

Sorry, I'm rambling.

Best Wishes

FTS

I haven't been hear in months, probably over a year since I’ve posted. Today is 2 years since d-day, and to read your post, it was like reading my own. I can relate to it so well. Things are going really good for us, given what it could be, but the thoughts, the pain, it just never seems to go away, it seems like there are "triggers" on a daily basis. I have just learned to manage it in a way that somehow, I just seem to be getting through the day, and the next day is there and I get through it also, and the next, and the next, (you get my point). I was never on med's, we never went through counseling, couldn't afford them, only a few talks with a pastor. "Our" life just keeps going, and it just seems to get easier to live the day-to-day life as it goes on.


My husbands A and having OC changed me. The way I look at things, life, my family, the way I plan for my future, everything about me. There are days that I wonder what I was thinking to ever try and stay to work things out, but when I look at the "big picture" or the "overall" I'm glad I did. We love each other, and we get each other through those bad days. (He has them too!!!)

We chose contact; we have his son (1 1/2 yrs) every other weekend. He is a pure angel and our daughter (5 1/2 yrs) absolutely adores him, she counts the days till we have our weekend again. H pay's child support, it was legalized through the state, but thankfully, we have not had to go through court for that or visitation. OC's mother is not such a bad person. We seem to be able to work most things out without too much of an argument, not that things are pleasant between us, but we all know it could be a lot worse from the other.

Sorry, I didn't mean to go on & on. It's just been such a long time. Anyhow, I understand where you are coming from, and I will keep you in my thoughts and prayers.

Hi NGU,
I've been meaning to post to you and haven't had lots of time.

It has been 6 years and 8 months since d-day.

I agree with TexasGirl about the forgiveness. It has to come from you. When you get it, it will happen.

Also can you slow down just a bit? If you keep busy to keep from thinking, sometimes you end up with unresolved issues. Maybe you can do a one on one with the Harleys? It's so worth the money.

I still get a 'feel sorry moment' from time to time, but I have begun to dwell on current happier events in life. Instead of looking at all that has gone wrong, I take time to thank God for the happiness and goodness I have, you know?

I also have tiny triggers when dental or health bills and insurance payments come for oc, but it no longer consumes me for more than a moment.

I too await the day oc turns 18, and unlike TexasGirl, my baby won't be 18, rather my H and I will be senior citizens. I just worry about having enough to pay for our old age should something happen to either of us. We carry only catastrophic health ins. on ourselves as H is self employed. We carry premium on oc for fear of having bills for oc and us in the same year.

That's about where we are now. Aside from some intrusions from ow from year to year, we are doing well. Yes NGU, she still does things to us. We've learned to just let it go, but that takes a few days for me after an episode. :-()

Ok to review, Take it easier, perhaps counsel, and forgive and let go.

Easier said than done, but it can happen for you.

Prayers for your happiness to begin~

love
Debi

I will admit that I have not checked in here in a while. It has been 3 years and 1 month sice 1st D-DAy and 2 Years and almost 1 month since 2nd D-Day.

It is not a easy road and I still have problems with accepting the situation, but it is a day to day thing. I now can only live day to day, and that is the way it should have always been. I am still in my healing and forgiving process.