I posted this also in EMOTIONAL NEEDS...wanted to hear from you all as well..

My first post, but I've been reading a lot on this website. Some background info...my wife and I have been married for almost 10 years. We have 2 young boys, 6 and 4 and they mean the world to the both of us. In the past, I would talk to other W on the internet, but never met any of them in person or really kept in touch with them. The W found out and was hurt. I have also become jealous for NO REASON at all, and also I brow beat her into doing things that maybe she doesn't want to do, like sex every two nights or something. Well, in the past 18 months, I have been gone for 13 of them. I am now in Turkey for a year and just got back from the States to try and work this out. She says she isn't attracted to me anymore, and she doesn't love me like she use to. I told her I will change and I started to prove that while I was home for 10 days recently. I bought her roses and sent them to work, surprised her with a bubble bath, and took care of the kids so she didn't have to worry about them in the morning etc. etc. She is on the verge of leaving me and we didnt sleep in the same bed while I was there. Our younger son was really sick, so I took care of him at night so she didn't have to. My question is, how can I get my wife to love me like she did when we first got married? I want all of that back and I am changing for the better. I don't cuss at her, argue with her, but it hurts when she won't say I LOVE YOU when we get off the phone. IT SUCKS SO BAD BEING THOUSANDS OF MILES AWAY and trying to work on this marriage. I need some help on how to work this out from afar. We went to counseling while I was there, and she agreed to go this week on her own. We also are going to read a book the counselor recommended and I have the book HIS NEEDS/HER NEEDS too. I really think being gone for so long isnt helping either. I was deployed to Iraq for 5 months and now Im in Turkey for a year. But I will be home for Christmas for about a month so I hope we can work on this together. ANY HELP FROM YOU ALL WOULD BE GREAT! THANKS>

Mike

It sounds as if you're off to a good start (the book, the marriage counselor, deposits in your wife's Love Bank while you were home).

It must be pretty scary thinking about how far away you are but keep in mind that people start long-distance relationships online all the time (wasn't that something you had strayed into yourself with OW?)

If you haven't done so already, take responsibility for and apologize for the things you've done in the past. It is your responsibility to figure out why you did those things and to fix those problems. Your wife isn't going to be impressed by what will look like only temporary changes just to keep her around. And unlike an OW you can talk to online, your wife actually knows you, has lived with you, and won't be easily fooled by pretense.

You will also have to be as accountable to your wife as possible to help her trust you again.

Keep posting and reading here and good luck.

Thank you for those words....I am going to do whatever it takes to change and I believe in myself that I have changed. I think she has noticed it, but not sure. She says she can't say she loves me right now, but hopefully soon she will. I pray every night and hope GOD will bring her heart back to me with my help by showing her how much I love her and filling her love bank. I am trying to be patient and let time work, but it is so hard when I'm here all alone to try and make this work. Thanks again...

Let your command know of your situation. Ask Motarman or other's with military background. Maybe something can be worked out so you can go home and take care of your family and keep on the active roster.

JMHO,
L.

Believe me, I have asked the question, just haven't heard anything yet. I'm going to talk to my commander this week, a 3 star general and see if he can help me out as well.

There is some good news as my wife went to the counselor this past Wednesday and she said it was very positive. She is going again next Thursday so it looks like she is enjoying the counseling and hopefully will try and work this out between us. I can only pray and hope right now...

Not quite true. Praying is important, and hope is vital, but there is more thing you can do - plan. Think about what you can do to turn this around, and come up with a plan so that when you get back at Christmas, you are acting instead of reacting.

md,
I hate to say it but to align expectations, I wouldn't count on being able to go home b/c of marital problems. Perhaps you can get some extra leave for the next time you get to come home though. The CO must think of the good of the whole force, if everyone who was having marital problems got to come home, there wouldn't be many left on the front lines.

Sounds like you're doing plan A from afar and that's good, I commend you b/c you are in a very difficult situation and I understand the helpless feeling. Your W needs to want to work things out for success. Perhaps direct her to this site. She can also get counseling at home. Sounds like she has some reasons to be upset but hopefully the two of you can focus on the positives (like the kids) and that you two can move towards a better future together.

V/r,
No way

Thanks for the info. I do understand that the Air Force has more important things to worry about a marital problem, but I thought it couldn't hurt to ask is all. As for my plan when I go home, I am going to make sure she and the boys are first on my list. I actually mailed her a letter yesterday with a DVD for the boys. I even wrote it and didn't type it out. I don't remember the last time I wrote her a letter and mailed it with this technology of email these days. I just told her how much I loved her and how she is my priority now....hopefully her counseling this week will go really well and we can start doing some exercises together....thanks again for all the help.

Mike

Since you are all alone over there, I suggest putting your free time to good use, and reading all you can here. It will help you no matter what happens. Read the articles on the home page, and read the whole site.

Hopefully your marriage will be saved, but if not, this site will still help you.

Usually the spouse DOES choose the marriage, and everything works out. But in the meantime, it is extremely hard. Hang in there and stick with us.

That's my plan believer...I plan to stick with you guys from here on out. I really believe that it will work out, its just hard to not get any feedback from her right now. We have great phone conversations and talk to each other about every other day. I think if she didn't want to be with me, why would she want to talk to me that much? Anyways, I'm thinking positive with all of this and im going to do my best to fill her love bank, even though I'm so far away. Wish me luck and thank you all for all the great advice.

Mike

Brother, my exWW cheated on me while deployed. I had no clue till I came home.

Since you're talking regularly, let me suggest something.

It won't hurt to pour your heart out to her and tell her how being away and being at war has really made you appreciate her and that you want to be a better husband when you come home and want to work with her to make your marriage better than it has ever been. Keep saying to her how much you value her and love her and miss her.

You're in a good spot right now to do this.

Good luck.

Thanks Papa....I plan to do that when I talk to her. We are getting along great now, and hopefully her session at the counselor tomorrow will go good as well. I can only pray and hope that one day she will fall madly in love with me all over again, but its up to me to make that happen. Thanks