I would love to hear advice from Men and Women alike. I have been married to my girlfriend of 5 years (we've known each other for 12) for 3 months now. She is extremely clingy and I don't exactly know how to handle it. We already spend practically 24 hours a day together. We are both artists, so when we're not working we're pretty much just hanging out together. But sometimes it gets to be a bit much. She'll seem upset if I don't want to go out into town with her (even if she's just going to get her nails done). She had to leave for a Dr.s appt. with her mom out of state, we were going to be apart for 2 days, and she was crying before she left, and when I asked why she said "I'm just being a baby, I don't want to leave you". Now I should add that what attracted me to her so much in the beginning was what a strong woman she was. So it is kind of a turnoff when she starts getting really clingy. It seems like everytime we have even one night apart she expects me to be all weepy when it actually comes as a relief because I'm actually getting some time to myself. I feel that this might happen because I am actually a very affectionate person, but in times when I need a little space she takes it as if Im upset with her. When in acuality I'm just worn out from feeling the need yto be extra affectionate all of the time. We are 25 years old but I feel like Im with a teen at times. To loosely quote a television line "I always wanted to know what it would have been like to be with her in highschool, and now I feel like I am with her in highschool". We have led very different lives, I pretty much took care of myself from the age of 16 on, and she was pretty much coddled by her mother until we began dating. Men, how do you handle an extra clingy wife? Women, How can I broach this subject without causing her to burst into tears? (which she does pretty much everytime I try to bring up an uncomfortable topic) thanks.

Is there a reason that she is so insecure?

Are there abandonment issues that may have followed her from childhood?

Try picking up the book His Needs / Her Needs. It could give you a lot of insight into this type of behaviour.

It is available from this website if you can't find a copy in a local bookstore.

thanks, i'll be sure to pick the book up. She does deal with abandoment issues regarding her fathers death when she was 9.

A professional IC could be very helpfull for you W in getting over this.

Although it is "her" issue you do play a very important role in helping her to get through this issue.

If she will see an IC over this offer to go with her and make sure that the IC knows that you are willing to play an active role in helping your W with this.

Good luck!

What is an IC? I want nothing more than to help her get through this. I have my own issues to deal with and she requires so much attention that I totally neglect myself. I feel that the quicker she is able to work on herself without so much dependance on me, the sooner I can start addressing some of my own issues too. Then hopefully we will have a much more mature relationship.

I should also point out that the reason I posted this in the "Negoiating" forum is because I want to find a happy medium. I want to be able to be very affectionate, without dealing with the cold shoulder when I need a little time to myself.

IC = Individual counsiler

Listed below is a link with most of the abr we use here:

http://www.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/sho...ge=0#Post402212

I would say this has a lot to do with the loss of her father when she was 9, she was probably not over it at the time or was not allowed to grieve for some reason and just had to brush it under the carpet. Maybe she did not grieve because she felt she had to support her mother? She may panick because she fears losing you like she lost her father. Do you know anything abvout the circumstances of his death?
I think in any case you might still need the help of a councelor.

I agree with the above poster. I lost my parents when I was 19 and had been dating my now husband since I was 17. I was very clingy to him, afraid to lose him too.

Now I still like to be near him but when we have to be away he helps me out by calling me every few hours, telling me where he's going and making sure I can reach him - just in case.

Maybe it could help her too.. if she knew you were okay when you were apart. She definitely sounds like she has some kind of seperation anxiety.. once she spends time away from you and sees your okay it might make it easier.

Although the His Needs, Her Needs book recommends against separate hobbies (or else you might grow apart), perhaps she does need just one separate hobby. Something fun she can do without you, perhaps with a female friend who shares the same interest. Or maybe even a solitary hobby so that she can experience her own company as something pleasant and not something to fear.

Aphaeresis thats a gvod idea. I think everyone needs something they do seperate (I could be wrong) because you cant spend every waking moment together..

What I actually question is was your wife always clingy (when you too were dating)? If so, did you really expect her to change when you got married?

I would definitely second the counselling. Encourage her to do things on her own to a point. If you are busy, say so. I'm sure there are plenty of times you have artwork to complete as part of your livelihood. If you are free, why not consider going once in a while to keep her company, etc.? Maybe you could set some times for recreation together and let her know that other times are for your personal needs. Do this in a very respectful way.

I also am in a relationship where the two of us spend quite a bit of time together, so I understand that sometimes one person "needs space" and needs the freedom to get things done (or frankly, "Just Chill Out"). I am perhaps the more "clingy" one, but I have realized over the years that sometimes my husband would rather play video games/surf the net/watch tv than whatever I want to do.

Read the Policy of Joint Agreement(POJA) and section on Negotiating. I think it's perfectly appropriate for a husband not to want to accompany his wife to her nail appointment (my husband would DIE if I asked him that). She probably REALLY has a need for both affection and recreational companionship, but you need to set some limits on how much and how often. Once again, be respectful. How would she feel if you asked her along to something she would feel is "tedious" or boring(like a Dr's appt or such)? Does she have girl friends/hobbies? Does she spend time on those at all?

Be patient with her. I'm sure she loves you very much.

I had been married for several years before my wife and I spent our first night away from each other. I don't think it's unusal on your wife's part to not enjoy those absences. It sounds like you are a pretty independent guy and I tend to think it is more you wanting to be away from your wife for alone time than it is her being clingy. My guess is that she is picking up on your desire for more alone time and that is what she is reacting to. To be honest with you a marriage is a very intrusive relationship. There is no "alone" time or individuality. You become a unit with your spouse, you share everything. I'm sure you understand that, but it sounds like that notion is one you aren't entirely happy about accepting. Regardless of either of your true feelings and motivations I'd say the best way to deal with this is open and honest communication. You aren't a bad person for wanting to be alone sometimes, but obviously your wife doesn't feel the same way about it as you do. That's where the two of you being open with each other can make all the difference. Prepare yourself for your wife to be a little upset, but the best thing you can do for her is to give her your honest feelings. Work together to compromise on ways to maximize both of your happiness. Dr. Harley's Marriage Builders philosophy can help the two of you to do that.

I was like this during the first several months of my marriage. As time went on, I sort of "grew out of it." Looking back, some of it probably came from my distrust of him and his private "activities." (I found his magazine stash just a week after we got married and it shattered me emotionally.) Keep in mind, I was only 21 years old at the time.

He would ask for alone time and I would become very upset, feeling that it was a rejection from him. Now it is me asking for the alone time!

Like Broom said, be open and honest. Discuss this with her in a loving manner. If she cries, let her cry. Tell her it is in no way a rejection of her, that sometimes you just need some alone time to recharge. Also you might want to look at your relationship and your past and see if there might be anything that she is distrusting of. Of course I don't know your situation but it doesn't hurt to ask.

It sounds like her fears come from her past. I think the suggestion of counseling is a great one.