Well I think the plan A 180 is coming to an end. I told the WW yesterday at the MC that I am done. I no longer want to live like roommates and ready for divorce unless she starts to commit to the marriage. She has made no progress in the 4 months of MC and I am tired of the bull around the house. Those of you that have read my thread think that I have been week. But I do not believe that she wants to work on the marriage and hasn't from the start of MC. So soon if things do not change I have to go file the papers and start ending this punishment for me.

Tired of the bull that I am going through

Thanks for the help but it might be time to end it

Betrayed-

The choice to end your marriage is entirely yours, of course.

I'd recommend that you take the efforts that myself and others have to get your wife to start facing the true realities of her behavior BEFORE you reach the plan D point. Right now, you've really not done a thorough plan A...you've not taken any actions to force her to face the consequences yet.

Have you considered taking the advice you've been given here before going to plan D?

I have done 99% of the advice that has been given here. I have not taken away the internet. Which is not something that I think will stop her. She can spend and does spend 8 hours a day online at work. So taking away the internet at home is not worthwhile for me to loose it also. I also have not taken away her car, her cell phone which she used to talk to people she meets on the internet. I currently do not think that she is doing anything wrong on the internet. As far as I can spy without my spyware installed.

The things that are wrong with her are hormonal or has to do with what happened in her childhood. I will not talk about these things and she is getting help for the childhood problems but not the hormones.

But I am tired of the roommate that is just using me for a financial crutch. I came out at the MC and told her that I needed her to commit the the marriage. I want her to put her wedding rings on, and stop acting single. As of yet she has not shown me any commitment. She did move some of her stuff back into the master bath. Her toothbrush and makeup. Not sure if this is her sign that she is moving back towards me or not but I want to see the wedding rings on her finger as a commitment to work on the marriage.

So what other advice have I not followed that I am missing here?

BIC, I think you may be onto something. It may be time for Plan B. Your energy in Plan A seems to waning and I can understand since there is no end in sight. I don't see how you can lose if you move to Plan B. What if you filed for a LSA for now and went ahead with a seperation? That way, if you do decide to divorce, you would be in a better position to make that change.

I would also suggest that you call Dr. Harley on his show tomorrow and tell him about your situation. He will give you FREE, VALUABLE advice after he assesses your situation.

Too bad she is not getting any help for her ADULT problems. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/rolleyes.gif" alt="" />

I am not sure that a LSA is any better in Cal then a divorce. I have not checked into them but I here you separate everything just like a divorce except she stays on the insurance policy. So we would have to separate the house and all the financial things anyway in a divorce. I am thinking that the paperwork for D will tell her that I am serious and not taking it anymore. Then see if she stays on the fence or works on the marriage. As now she is not working on it.



I will try and call the show. But I have a IC meeting at 9am PST. He is only on from 8am until 11am here. So I am kind of going to be gone in the middle. But Friday looks promising.

[color:"red"]Thanks Mel I love your input always[/color]

Well things are taking baby steps here. She bought me some Valentines candy hearts and put them in my backpack that I take to work. I found them when I got to work. She has also moved some things back into the master bathroom. She is not back in the same bed yet but I am still hopeful.
The biggest move that I have seen is the laptop is no longer hidden, she leaves it out and not password protected anymore. So she is not hiding things from me on the computer. No password and leaving it at home is a large step. She is also very friendly with me and we talk a little more then we use to.

I wish that we were making better faster progress but time will tell. My IC still would like me to make an end date and plan on the future without her if it comes down to that. WW is still not committing to anything in the future at the MC.
I still would like her to touch, hug or kiss me. But as yet she has not taken that step.

Just letting all know that I am still out here working on things ever so slowly.

Slow but steady is the secret. Right after Dday we (the BS) always wants to "fix it." We spend all of our energy to that end. What is effective about Plan A is when we just do the right things and stop trying to have R talks all of the time. When your W feels comfortable around you, she is letting you make those LB$ deposits!

Isn't it amazing how much can change in 10 days? Continue the good work. There is still a lot of hope and a lot of work left, too.

Mark

Here is what I would do. Journal daily/weekly about how your WWacts toward you. When times get rough or you get frustrated look back two months and see where you were. Sometimes you need to remind yourself of the progress. Slow and steady wins the race. I really think that you and your WW will reconcile, it will just take longer than you originally had envisioned or hoped for.

Thank you both,
The waiting game is the hardest game of the all. I can do the plan A and the 180. I can act nice all day and play with the kids. I can go out and do stuff for myself. I can do things that MB tells me and things my IC tells me.

The waiting game is something that I am having a hard time with. I know baby steps, but my wants and needs are also being neglected while I am waiting for the light.

Taking things one day at a time.
I already keep a journal by order of my lawyer. Plus it helps me know what I am feeling and what money I am spending on the children. Along with what she is doing.

Wow,
I guess after yesterdays MC meeting she has a new found interest in the marriage. I told WW that I wanted her to show me some commitment to the marriage. I needed her to show me that she wanted to continue working on the marriage.

This morning the wedding ring was on her finger. I am a little shocked and amazed. I guess the recovery has started. Slow but sure she is coming back into the marriage. Now I just wish that she would move back into the our bed.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Awesome! You had better get working on that Valentine's Day present now. No excuses!

Well the WW may be turning into a FWW. Believe it or not last night she actually slept in the masterbed without me asking her. I noticed that she moved the nightstand back in from her little room into the master. I went to bed as normal and she stayed up. Woke up later in the night to notice that she was sleeping in the same bad with me. I am so happy today <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
Should I say anything to her? She did not tell me she was coming back and I have not said anything to her about it yet. Still in the no touching rules set up by her. But I am hoping that soon that will change.

So for Valentines day I bought her flowers, a card, stuffed animal and took her and the kids out to dinner.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I'm so happy for you! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Yes, IMO, you ought to tell her how happy you were to find her sleeping next to you.

~ Marsh

Oh, this is great news. I have been following your sitch since I started posting myself shortly after you.

This once again gives me hope.

God has been and will be faithful.

Easy there trigger! I know these are positive developments, but I want you to know that you are about where I was three months ago. Don't start bringing up the "F" just yet. The key is continuing to allow your recovery to continue at a snail's pace without pushing. I know how you want to take these recent developments and run with them, but the battle isn't over just yet. However, these are the crumbs you need to sustain you for the continued difficult months ahead. You are definitely on the right track, however. Keep up the good work!

I am crawling along at snails pace. Maybe even a 3 toed sloth <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> But I am looking at all the positive things lately and I know that we are improving. No where near complete. Maybe at about 5% recovered. I have a long road ahead but Moving down the road finally. It is better then sitting at the crossroads waiting for her to make a decision. At least she is moving in a direction now. I am not being pushy with her. I have not asked her to come back to bed with me since December. I did tell her at the last MC meeting that I wanted her to start to show commitment to the marriage. I asked for her to put on her wedding ring. She did that. The rest she has done on her own. No pushing from me. I spend the night now coaching baseball and softball with my kids. The sport I love to coach.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> I am still happy!! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Things are moving along slowly. WW is sometimes working on the marriage and sometimes seems to be distant. But all in all she seems to want to be married to me.

I get an earful now about spending money. Our accounts are separate so I pay my "share" into the household bills and then get to spend/save the rest of my take home money. Anyway I went out and bought a new motorcycle (old bike was 10 years old and needing major work<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/teary.gif" alt="" />). I did ask her if she was ok with me spending money on a bike and she said "it is your money" Needless to say now I hear almost every day about something that she can't afford. I just ignore it as she got herself into this situation.

MC in my opinion is still worthless. Not providing anything that is useful to helping us get back together. My IC is driving the MC sessions through me. But now my IC doesn't think that WW is working on the marriage. WW will not give permission for her IC to talk to my IC. My IC thinks that she is still hiding something.

Anyway I think that things are much better this month then last. Still not intimate, but hugging, kissing, and going to church together.

Thank
BIC

I'm pretty much in your same boat right now. Does your WW have "daddy" issues like mine? Just keep plan Aing as long as things keep improving (no matter how slow), and hopefully you'll eventually get to where you need to be.

I suspect the same thing, BIC. Can you find out what it is?