Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our guidance forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 24 of 26 1 2 22 23 24 25 26
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175
IP, look, if you need to talk to someone, on the phone, tonight IF he does leave, please let me know and I will post my phone number..sometimes it just helps to talk to a live person...don't send that email...go into Plan B....If he does leave tonight, leave him w/ good memories of you being strong and independant....fake it if you have to and when/if he closes the door behind him, then you can break down...please let me know if you wanna talk on the phone.. I will be more than happy to listen and help in anyway I can...I am a rookie at this but I can listen and empathize w/ you....


"If you want a good wife, then you have to be a good husband." BS-38 (me) WH-34 0 kids Together 3 1/2 years Married almost one year before DDay WH EA 9/06 DDay 11/06 Plan A 1/07 WH asked for LSA 2/07 Plan B 03/07 LSA effective 3/07 H moved out 3/07
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 169
I
in_pain Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 169
Here is my Plan B letter:

Let me know what you all think:

Dear H:

I love you with all of my heart. I am so sorry for what I did 7 years ago. When that happened, I begged you for your forgiveness. I really thought you forgave me and we put it past us; we went on with our lives. Over the last several months, I have learned a lot about myself and relationships. I realize that I didn't handle things well in our marriage. I know that I should have done things differently. I know now that I may not have been easy to live with at times and that I did not fulfill all of your needs. Because of this, I want to apologize to you for my part in creating an environmnet that helped make your affair with her possible.

I want to make up for the mistakes that I made in the past. I am willing to make you and our relationship my number one priority. I want to become the wife of your dreams. I want to put the past behind us and build an amazing future with you. However, I cannot do that until you end your relationship with her.

Until then, I will avoid seeing you or talking to you. I have made arrangements with ____________ to help make it possible for you to see ________________(DS). She will provide the transportaton to pick him up and drop him off. If you need to communicate in any way it will have to be through __________________.

Please respect my decision to separate from you this way. I have suffered terribly because of your relationship with her. It hurts too much. I love you.

As soon as you are willing to completely and permanently separate from her and you are willing to work on our marriage, I will be ready to discuss our future together.

I want us to be able to rebuild our marriage some day. I want us both to be able to meet each other's needs and to avoid doing anything to hurt one another. We need to create a new lifestyle in which everything we do makes both of us happy. I want to be your best friend, your lover, and your world. I want to always be there for you when you need me. And I want you to be all those things to me.

I want you to know that is all very possible. We can find our way back to each other and make our love stronger than ever. It can happen. Don't throw it all away and regret it later.

I love you very much and I know we can have a great future. I've made mistakes, but I learned from those mistakes. I want you back and I will make you happy. We were meant to be together. God brought us together for a reason and God can help us find our way back to one another. We can work through this and make things better. Don't be afraid to open your heart to me.

With All My Love,
IP


BS (Me) - 31 WH - 31 DS - 2 in January Found Out About Affair - 10/6/06 Married - 10/10/98 Been Together Since - 10/27/90 H won't have NC with OW
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 169
I
in_pain Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 169
Quote
IP, look, if you need to talk to someone, on the phone, tonight IF he does leave, please let me know and I will post my phone number..sometimes it just helps to talk to a live personin

I may need to take you up on that. Do you mind?


BS (Me) - 31 WH - 31 DS - 2 in January Found Out About Affair - 10/6/06 Married - 10/10/98 Been Together Since - 10/27/90 H won't have NC with OW
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
call the Harleys

I'm not so sure the timing is right.... can you hold off just a little on Plan B?

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 169
I
in_pain Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 169
MIM: I take it then that the A happened in 2000, just two years after you were M'd, and at the time you had no children? How long did the A go on for?

IP: My emotional affair started in 1998. We were married in October 1998. The emotional affair went on through the first year of our marriage. I cheated that first year as well. The affair ended at the end of 1999, I think.

MIM: It would have been extraordinarily difficult on your H to handle your betrayal, particularly as it apparently occurred within the "honeymoon" period of your M.

IP: Exactly. It's not just the fact that I cheated that hurt him. It's a lot of things surrounding the affair - the timing, etc... I don't think I'm ever going to forgive myself. I absolutely HATE myself for what I did. The fact that he is leaving me because of it my destroy me forever.

MIM: At this point he's probably suspicious of those changes; he probably thinks that it took 7 years and his announcement of wanting a divorce in order for you to decide to make them.

IP: You're right. I don't know what to do....I really did make the personal changes and I am being very genuine when I say those changes are permanent.

MIM: I say give it time and continue to show your H that you can be the best partner in a LTR / M. Make sure that if he leaves, he leaves with the best impression of you.

IP: How can I continue to show him that I can be the wife of his dreams if he leaves and I go into Plan B?

I really need a plan....He's going to leave me tonight. I don't think I can handle it.

When I think of him being with her it makes me so sick. I just want to die. I just picture her smiling and groveling because she has him and I don't.


BS (Me) - 31 WH - 31 DS - 2 in January Found Out About Affair - 10/6/06 Married - 10/10/98 Been Together Since - 10/27/90 H won't have NC with OW
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
I agree with Pep. I think that this is not the right time for plan B just yet. I think that the carrot of plan A was working but there wasn't enough stick involved. I would really like to see some more military grade assault aimed at breaking your WH and OW apart. I think you need to get more on the offensive.

There is no way that you should send that email, and I would make no reference to your prior indiscretion in your plan B letter. I would maked a broad statement about how you were 50% responsible for the state of the M pre-A, but don't allow him to continue using that excuse for his current behavior.

Counsel with the Harleys and get a plan. I think this includes some LilSis type plan Aing coordinated with some things to majorly make the OW uncomfortable for continuing to pursue your WH. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions. Does she go to church? Expose to her pastor. Re-expose at your WH's employer. Let them know that he tried to break up with her and she sent some pretty awful text messages, but continues to pursue your WH. Talk to her parents again and let them know how your WH was going to try and work things out with you, but she wouldn't leave you two alone. Tell them about the texts. Get your WH's family and friends to put more pressure on him to cut this OW loose. Like I said, a little more carrot, and a ****** of a lot more stick!

Talk to SH, and get a plan. You can win this battle, but to do so, you can't give up.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 169
I
in_pain Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 169
Quote
call the Harleys

I'm not so sure the timing is right.... can you hold off just a little on Plan B?

Yes, I could. I don't feel ready for Plan B, but I don't think I have an option. I think he's going to leave tonight. Once he leaves, Plan A won't work with him. He sees the changes I've made and he acknowledges them as a good thing. He thinks living here is pleasant. I just don't know what more I could do in Plan A at this point.


BS (Me) - 31 WH - 31 DS - 2 in January Found Out About Affair - 10/6/06 Married - 10/10/98 Been Together Since - 10/27/90 H won't have NC with OW
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
In pain -

Most affairs end. Most men go back to their families. You need to calm down, keeping posting and reading here, and take your time, and get a plan. This stuff is miserable. But it ALWAYS gets much better.

You have a long term relationship, and chances are very good for you. But you need to settle down.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
You can still plan A with him moving out. Read LilSis's thread. Set up a session with SH today! The longer you wait the more difficult this will be. The biggest problem in my situation was sitting around doing nothing for fear of losing my WW. If I would have stood up earlier the A would not have gotten physical, the emotions would not have run so deep, withdrawal would have been much quicker and more painless, and we would most likely be recovered by now. DO NOT WAIT!


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 169
I
in_pain Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 169
Quote
majorly make the OW uncomfortable for continuing to pursue your WH. She needs to feel the consequences of her actions. Does she go to church? Expose to her pastor. Re-expose at your WH's employer. Let them know that he tried to break up with her and she sent some pretty awful text messages, but continues to pursue your WH. Talk to her parents again and let them know how your WH was going to try and work things out with you, but she wouldn't leave you two alone. Tell them about the texts. Get your WH's family and friends to put more pressure on him to cut this OW loose. Like I said, a little more carrot, and a ****** of a lot more stick!

I don't think anything in this world would make this B*TCH feel uncomfortable. She has platinum ba**s! She wants my husband and that's all there is to it. She went to his mom's house on New Year's Eve for goodness sake! She had dinner with them (my family!) on New Years Eve!

No, she doesn't go to church. Big surprise there! I can't go to their employer again. His boss and some of the partners think I'm crazy already. They aren't going to do anything about the affair and they made that clear.

His family is a lost cause. They will only support him. They made that clear as well. His mom doesn't agree with what he's doing, but she doesn't want to get involved. His brother and our SIL is staying out of it as well apparently. I sent them an e-mail explaining everything and they didn't look at me or talk to me once over Christmas.

I can go to her parents again, I guess. My H still hasn't forgiven me from the first time I went to them. He took that as me giving up on us. He doesn't understand why I would do it, etc...It would probably push him away further. I'm having doubts about that. I'm not sure what to do there.

I just don't know where to turn.

Her parents are the only ones to go to, I guess.


BS (Me) - 31 WH - 31 DS - 2 in January Found Out About Affair - 10/6/06 Married - 10/10/98 Been Together Since - 10/27/90 H won't have NC with OW
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 169
I
in_pain Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 169
Quote
The biggest problem in my situation was sitting around doing nothing for fear of losing my WW. If I would have stood up earlier the A would not have gotten physical, the emotions would not have run so deep,

Actually, I'm with you there. I wanted to confront things back in July, but my H insisted they were just friends and he forbade me to talk to anyone about it. He put the fear of God into me. He had me walking around on eggshells for months. I was so worried about making him angry. I was so worried about upsetting him and making him leave. He was good at saying, "you blew it".


BS (Me) - 31 WH - 31 DS - 2 in January Found Out About Affair - 10/6/06 Married - 10/10/98 Been Together Since - 10/27/90 H won't have NC with OW
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
Your WH is behaving like they all do. But your situation is very hopeful. Try to relax and get a plan.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 169
I
in_pain Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 169
I just don't understand why he can't see her for who she is. Anyone who is willing to go after someone else's husband has some major moral issues. Especially, since she was my friend. She went after a friend's husband. How could he not see that she's wrong?

He told me last night that he knows his affair was wrong. If he knows it's wrong, why won't he give us a chance? He's completely given up on me.

I'm sorry, it's so hard for me to calm down.

What should I do when he comes home tonight? He's going to pack and leave. Should I say anything to him?


BS (Me) - 31 WH - 31 DS - 2 in January Found Out About Affair - 10/6/06 Married - 10/10/98 Been Together Since - 10/27/90 H won't have NC with OW
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 169
I
in_pain Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 169
Quote
But your situation is very hopeful.

Believer:

Do you REALLY think so?


BS (Me) - 31 WH - 31 DS - 2 in January Found Out About Affair - 10/6/06 Married - 10/10/98 Been Together Since - 10/27/90 H won't have NC with OW
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
B
Member
Offline
Member
B
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 27,069
He can't see her for who she is, because he is just like every other WS here. He is ADDICTED. You are not. That is why YOU have to be the one with a plan.

Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 169
I
in_pain Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 169
Sadly, the OW knows what I did wrong in the marriage. He has talked to her and she knows that there were times that I took him for granted, etc...

She is playing on that. She is making him feel like he is the most important thing in the world to her. She is putting him on a pedestal and she is feeding on my mistakes.


BS (Me) - 31 WH - 31 DS - 2 in January Found Out About Affair - 10/6/06 Married - 10/10/98 Been Together Since - 10/27/90 H won't have NC with OW
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175
Post deleted by Hoping68


"If you want a good wife, then you have to be a good husband." BS-38 (me) WH-34 0 kids Together 3 1/2 years Married almost one year before DDay WH EA 9/06 DDay 11/06 Plan A 1/07 WH asked for LSA 2/07 Plan B 03/07 LSA effective 3/07 H moved out 3/07
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 169
I
in_pain Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
I
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 169
Thank you Hoping68. I may need to call.


BS (Me) - 31 WH - 31 DS - 2 in January Found Out About Affair - 10/6/06 Married - 10/10/98 Been Together Since - 10/27/90 H won't have NC with OW
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175
H
Member
Offline
Member
H
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 175
ok, please feel free...i am here....


"If you want a good wife, then you have to be a good husband." BS-38 (me) WH-34 0 kids Together 3 1/2 years Married almost one year before DDay WH EA 9/06 DDay 11/06 Plan A 1/07 WH asked for LSA 2/07 Plan B 03/07 LSA effective 3/07 H moved out 3/07
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
J
Member
Offline
Member
J
Joined: Nov 2006
Posts: 4,222
IP,

Yes, I do see a lot of hope for your situation. Your WH actually tried to recovery, but his recovery failed because he still was in contact with the OW. Go back to OW's parents let them know about his intentions after New Year's, how he broke it off with her, how she texted him, and how she keeps sucking him back in. Will your WH be pissed? Sure, he will. So? Your goal is to end the A, not avoid confrontation. When you WH comes back tell him that you know how he feels right now, but that you aren't giving up. You will fight like ****** for him and the family. I would get a legal separation in place before going to plan B. Get him on the hook for spousal support, child support, and push for full custody. Get with a lawyer and gather and document everything he tells you to so that you are in the best legal position. Let your WH know what it feels like to have a huge chunk sucked out of his paycheck and be a weekend dad. This fight may take a long time, but I am confident that it can be won. This is why you need to call of SH and get a plan. A plan will get this over with as quickly as possible.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
Page 24 of 26 1 2 22 23 24 25 26

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 894 guests, and 66 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
Mike69, petercgeelan, Zorya, Reyna98, Nofoguy
71,829 Registered Users
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2019, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5