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are you strong enough to take a little kick in the behind?

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I don't think I'm ever going to forgive myself. I absolutely HATE myself for what I did. The fact that he is leaving me because of it my destroy me forever.


this emotional outburst, althought colorful and no doubt heartfelt ... is just all about anti-recovery self-talk and is not authentic

if YOU can never forgive yourself
then how can anyone ( those who are not you) be forgiven for something they did in the past?

what makes YOU so special that YOUR sins are super-nova sins while the rest of us just do ordinary sin????

your affair is forgivable
your affair must be forgiven BY YOU

or
you condem yourself to a life time of selfish wallowing

in many ways
it is "easier" to wallow in self loathing than it is to get up
force a smile and get your "chit" together for Plan A or Plan B

either way
to say you can "never" forgive yourself sends a message that you are not a forgiving person to others as well ....

so
a little motherly advice

knock it off !!!!!!

it is a waste of time
it is not authentic
and it is a form of narcissism

OK hunny?

((( hug )))

Pep <~~~ big meanie

Last edited by Pepperband; 01/15/07 05:56 PM.
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I've been off the computer all day. I was only able to catch up on a bit of this right now.
I truly hope that you have made the decsion to call the Harley's immediately. You have been offered resources here that could help you...but the best one we can give you is hope right now. Hope that this will all work out. And also the hope that you will hear the words of those here that have found their strength when faced with what they felt were hopeless situations. KNOW that you are worth a lot... with or without your H. KNOW that your value comes from God... not a man that thinks he is above God at this point.
Listen to Pep and the others here. We all care about you in our own way. We have been there. Listen to the lyrics being sung here....they will ring true in your heart in the future... of this I am sure. I hope your H comes around... but YOU will come around.... no doubt. In months... not years, you will be in a much stronger place offering help to another person hanging by a string. I know it... I have seen it... I have lived it. There are two posters on this board that I believe literally helped save my life. Now I look back and think... for who, for what???? Abusive affairs... any affair... cna wreak havoc on your self esteem. Do not give your H more power than a man acting in such a dishonorable fashion deserves.
The offer to help is there. If you feel funny accepting... run up your H's credit card if you need to... just get the help you need. I would also STRONGLY suggest that you get in touch with an IC and discuss your feelings of worthlessness. Do NOT discuss a plan for your M with them until you have a blueprint from the Harley's as to how to proceed.
You remain in my prayers.

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Pepper...so how does one forgive themselves?

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Pepper...so how does one forgive themselves?

by deliberate corrective actions in spite of fear or embarrasment

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by deliberate corrective actions in spite of fear or embarrasment


Okay...what if you do this, but you still can not forgive yourself?

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why not?

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Pep:

I understand what you mean. I am in individual counseling and he have been discussing my self hatred issues. The main reason I am having trouble getting over this is because my H constantly drills it into my head that all of our problems are because of what I did. He said that I ruined his life and our lives. He said I had it all and I threw it away. He's right, in a way. I did have it all and I really screwed up. I don't understand why I did it. Why wasn't my H enough for me back then. I just don't understand. How could I not be strong enough to be faithful? A man threw himself at me and I gave in. I had a weak moment. In a sense, I let my guilt ruin things even further with my husband. I just feel so awful for huting him so badly. But, I am in counseling and I hope I can get past it. It's just so hard. As long as the one I love believes it's my fault, it's going to be really hard to stop believing it myself.

Last edited by in_pain; 01/17/07 12:17 PM.
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In Pain,

I haven't read all of your thread(s) so please forgive me if I don't get your facts straight. What jumps out at me is your intense pain so I feel compelled to respond.

First off, I'm taking it you had an affair 7 years ago? Okay, you are human, you made a mistake, you are truly sorry, and I think you are willing to do whatever it takes to rectify that. But you are not the all powerful Oz who is guiding your husband's behavior at this moment. You do not have that kind of power. Do you understand that? He is doing what he is doing now because HE is making those choices. And he is very clearly blaming you AND you are very clearly accepting that responsibility. You really need to stop that.

Right now you are choking your husband with neediness and that is pushing him away. Give the man some room to breathe and think and have a chance to miss you. It needs to be his choice to stop his actions. There is nothing you can say or do right now that is going to keep him home. The more you try and push him to do what you want (stay home) the more likely he is to RUN.

You need to start loving and respecting yourself, right here and right now dang it! Pep is right - your sins are still just sins, no better and no worse than the rest of us.


Slow down. Breathe. Do NOT make any rash decisions. Step back from the situation. Read as much as you can. Breathe some more. You are going to be okay.

Make a plan. I know it probably seems like you need to solve this NOW - tonight - but it doesn't really work that way. Work on yourself and please stop trying to control your WH's actions. You can't. Most wandering spouses try to return home at some point so hang onto that thought if that is all that will get you through the night right now.

Be strong - you can do this! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Me/BS 48
Married 16 yrs/together 23; 1 child
Dday 4/05; WH "needed space" and left 5/05
WH Filed D papers 6/05 - Divorce final 12/05
WH moved in with OW 11/05; moved out OW 1/06
12/06 His 3rd and strongest attempt at reconcilliation (I believe OW still in picture)
2/07 Affair over, begging me to take him back - it's too late.
WH has tried numerous times to reconcile.
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In Pain

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The main reason I am having trouble getting over this is because my H constantly drills it into my head that all of our problems are because of what I did. He said that I ruined his life and our lives. He said I had it all and I threw it away. He's right, in a way. I did have it all and I really screwed up. I don't understand why I did it. Why wasn't my H enough for me back then. I just don't understand. How could I not be strong enough to be faithful? I gorgeous man was throwing himself at me and I gave in. I had a weak moment. In a sense, I let my guilt ruin things even further with my husband. I just feel so awful for huting him so badly. But, I am in counseling and I hope I can get past it. It's just so hard. As long as the one I love believes it's my fault, it's going to be really hard to stop believing it myself


i'm very ashamed to say, that after i discovered my H's affair, i made him feel as though he had ruined our lived with his Affair. I really didn't know how to forgive and my H just wanted me to forget. i made him feel just like your H has made you feel...he has said the same or very similar things

my H told me over and over that i wasn't allowing us to heal because i couldn't just forget the A....he didn't understand about triggers and the reality of what the BS goes through and i didn't understand that i was making him hurt more and more

Neither one of us did things right to allow us to heal ourselves and our marraige. sadly, i will always fear that this is what drove my H back to the OW.....someone who he felt was no better than he was....

i didn't understand about emotional needs anymore than i did about surviving an A

when you have the chance, maybe a starting place for BOTH of you might be to talk about the reasons WHY BOTH of the A's started.....maybe your A happened because he wasn't meeting or didn't know your needs and then his anger and resentment built because he never understood why you had an A and this led to the beginning of his needs not being met...maybe the need for openess and honesty?

it would be so wonderful if the two of you could have a session with Steve Harley...i believe he could help you both heal....and your marraige also

i don't have a happy ending to tell you about because i found this site and the wonderful information here long after my H had left and was already living with OW

but i'm hoping that you have one to share with me someday

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As long as the one I love believes it's my fault, it's going to be really hard to stop believing it myself.


IP... you are strong. But read this statement. You don't have to not believe it was your fault 7 years ago... because it was. You screwed up big time. BUT ... and this is a big BUT here... you do not have to do a life sentence for your actions. If you did it again now... after knowing the damage it caused.... or if you were calous towards the your H in regards to the hurt you caused... then I would say you deserve everything that happens to you. YOU made a mistake. We all do. But YOU are making your best effort to fix what you have done and to grow into a much better person. You are taking the steps to bring your life in line with your heart. Your H is not doing that right now. And while your H is currently a WH... you have earned the "f" for former. You are the one that is the strength and righteous one hold your M together while your H and his HO try to rip it apart. YOU should be proud, not only of the changes that you have made in your life... but that you are now strong enough to FIGHT for your family. YOu may not win... that is always the risk here... but you can hold your head high at the end of the day knowing that TODAY you lived an honorable life. Today, I would be proud to call you friend. Your H... wounded as he may be... has no right to do what he is doing... he has no right to torture you this way. You may not be getting the reponse that you want right now... but keep loving him. Even if he NEVER comes back... you will have done yourself a great favor by never having to look back and say you didn't give it your best shot. You are living it.

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I @@@@ man was throwing himself at me and I gave in


In case your H ever decides to read here, I would ditch this line. NO BS ever needs to hear something like this about the OM/W. JMHO.

Last edited by mkeverydaycnt; 01/18/07 10:46 AM.
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NO BS ever needs to hear something like this about the OM/W. JMHO.

I changed it, good advice.


BS (Me) - 31 WH - 31 DS - 2 in January Found Out About Affair - 10/6/06 Married - 10/10/98 Been Together Since - 10/27/90 H won't have NC with OW
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it would be so wonderful if the two of you could have a session with Steve Harley...i believe he could help you both heal....and your marraige also

What does everyone else think of this? Would it be better for the two of us to talk to SH instead of just myself?


BS (Me) - 31 WH - 31 DS - 2 in January Found Out About Affair - 10/6/06 Married - 10/10/98 Been Together Since - 10/27/90 H won't have NC with OW
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yes... but if you can't mane it happen for the two of you... then you should do it by yourself.

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MEDC:

I just want to thank you for continuing to read my thread and follow my situation, especially after what happened before Christmas. I appreciate you posting to me and trying to help me. You have been very helpful. A lot of what you have been saying has been so true.

Thank you very much.


BS (Me) - 31 WH - 31 DS - 2 in January Found Out About Affair - 10/6/06 Married - 10/10/98 Been Together Since - 10/27/90 H won't have NC with OW
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IP, is he still at home? He didn't leave did he?


"If you want a good wife, then you have to be a good husband." BS-38 (me) WH-34 0 kids Together 3 1/2 years Married almost one year before DDay WH EA 9/06 DDay 11/06 Plan A 1/07 WH asked for LSA 2/07 Plan B 03/07 LSA effective 3/07 H moved out 3/07
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MEDC:

I just want to thank you for continuing to read my thread and follow my situation, especially after what happened before Christmas. I appreciate you posting to me and trying to help me. You have been very helpful. A lot of what you have been saying has been so true.

Thank you very much.


You are welcome. I don't scare off so easily and even though there are a group of people around here that think they are always right... I will always feel free to express what I think is right even if it is not popular on this board. I am glad that I have been of some help to you. I will continue keeping up with the thread and you have my email address should your H decide he wants to "talk" to someone.

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I have a question for you. What are you doing for yourself right now? Have you begun counseling for you? I ask that because you have been in a place of despair on several occasions and it would benefit your greatly to find a way to cope during these rough periods.... they will come. As I have emntioned to you before, it is so very important for you to find a way to KNOW that you will be okay no matter what life throughs your way.
So... are you doing anything specifically to address your emotions when things seem to be going very poorly?
I hope you are well today.

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IP, is he still at home? He didn't leave did he?

He is leaving. I may need to call you if that's okay?!


BS (Me) - 31 WH - 31 DS - 2 in January Found Out About Affair - 10/6/06 Married - 10/10/98 Been Together Since - 10/27/90 H won't have NC with OW
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What are you doing for yourself right now? Have you begun counseling for you?
So... are you doing anything specifically to address your emotions when things seem to be going very poorly?

Well, I am in counseling for myself, but I'm not sure it's helping me too much. But, I can't expect things to get better in a short time. I am on anti depressants as well. I could be doing more for myself, I'm sure.

The counseling may not be something that I can continue. I may not be able to afford it once my H is gone. It's very expensive and insurance doesn't cover it. I'm not sure what I'm going to do about many things once he leaves.


BS (Me) - 31 WH - 31 DS - 2 in January Found Out About Affair - 10/6/06 Married - 10/10/98 Been Together Since - 10/27/90 H won't have NC with OW
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