Does your insurance just not covering out patient menatal health? Or does your provider not accept your insurance. If your insurance does not cover it... find a provider that accepts payment on a sliding scale.... based on your ability to pay.
You need to start developing the mindset that you will be okay no matter what. Read Lilsis' thread. Here is an example of BS going through hel@ and finding strength in herself to get through this. You need to tap into that strength that I know you have.
Suicide...it's a hard thing to talk about. You have been so down in the dumps at times. I want to just ask you the question as to whether you consider taking your own life as an option to deal with this. I don't mean the fleeting thoughts... I mean... planning on how, when and why to do it. It is important that we know the extent of what we are dealing with here. It could be that if you are in a deep enough depression and are seriously considering that... that an brief inpatient therapy course would be best for you. Please be honest with your loved ones.... those that are there for you right now... as to your true mental status. I know you will eventually get to a place of great strength... I just want to make sure that we cover the necessary bases in case the floor drops out from under you today.
So, how are you feeling?

I can't believe I just posted a very long message and it wouldn't post and it disappeared!!!!!!!!!!!! I can't handle this!

Okay, let me try and remember everything again. Last Sunday night is when my H told me he was moving out. We talked and he ended up falling asleep. The next morning he got ready for work and told me not to do anything for him that day. He told me not to do his laundry or cook him supper. I was devastated. I think I posted all of that.

Well, he came home Monday night around 8:15. I don't know if he came right from the office or not. He told me that a co-worker (male) was picking him up here at home at 7:30 the next morning to go out of town for work. So, he stayed here Monday night and didn't mention a word about moving out and acted completely normal. He was out of town Tuesday and Wednesday nights. He called me both nights. He was in a pretty good mood both nights and he didn't mention anything. He acted normal.

He got home on Thursday (yesterday) about 5:45 and he was acting normal all night. He unpacked his things. He put his toothbrush in the bathroom, etc...So, I was hoping he changed his mind. We watched our Thursday night shows together and then he stood up and asked me where the air mattress was. He said he was going to his apartment. We talked some more and then he stood up and went upstairs. I was expecting him to leave. He came down in comfortable pants that he sleeps in and laid down on the love seat and fell asleep.

This morning, he gets ready for work. He came down from upstairs and he was carrying the air mattress and he had a duffle bag packed. He didn't say anything about moving out, but he is obviously not staying here tonight or maybe the weekend?

He did say that he was going to come home tonight and change to play football and to take the garbage out???????!?!!?!? What the H*LL!!!?!!?!?!? Then, he said he was working on Saturday and that he was going to come and pick up our son and take him to the mall. I'm sorry, but what makes him think he's calling the shots?? But, he said nothing about him moving out. He told me everything he was doing except for that!!!!!

I don't know what to do. Either he moves out or he doesn't. He can't have it inbetween. I can't live here with his stuff and not him. He can't move out gradually - little by little. It cannot be a gradual process. He cannot drag this out on me. I have been tortured for 9 months and I cannot allow him to drag this out on me. It's too painful. I can't handle it for my own sanity. Well, what's left of it.

As you know, I have been blaming myself horribly for everything because he says it's all my fault. I thought about some things lately and he said that he started losing love for me in March (2006). Well, if everything was because of what I did 7 years ago, why would he only start losing love for me in March???? It's because he was in an affair!

Anyway, I brought that up last night. He said that he started losing love for me long before March. He said he started losing love for me when I cheated and everyday since then. I said well, when I asked you flat out "when did you start losing love for me?" (I asked him that just last week). You said "last March". I said why do your answers always seem to change when I ask you about things further? I said, your affair is what destroyed our marriage. I said you may have been unhappy, but if it wasn't for your affair and the OW, you would have continued on with our marriage. He said that it may seem like the affair did ruin the marriage to outsiders (or even to me). But, he said that he knew if he would ever have an affair that he would only do it because he would already know the marriage was over. (I know he's not a cheater by nature. That's not who he is.) He said that he only had an affair because the marriage was over already.

Well, I have some questions to that now. I didn't think of them last night when we were talking, but I thought of them later when I couldn't sleep. Why even have an affair then? Why not be a man and end your marriage the right way - get a divorce and move on? Why all the lies? Why all the secrets? Why torture me for 9 months? Why make me suffer? Why make our son suffer? Because if he thinks this didn't effect our son, he is SO wrong! Why string me along? Why continue living here and bringing the OW into my home and making me suffer that way? Why make me do things with the OW? Why have me sleep with you and do things with you sexually (when I didn't know the truth)? Why ask me "is there still hope for us" when I found out about the affair? Why ask me months later "is it too late for us?" Why tell me more than once you wanted to work on the marriage? It just doesn't make sense. I need answers!!!!!

So, what do I do tonight when he comes home? Do I ask him what he's doing? Do I ask him if he plans on moving out and when? Should I lay down the ground rules for this? Should I tell him he has the weekend to move out and that's it. That if he goes, his stuff goes? Do I let him know that he can't move out little by little - slowly? Almost all of his stuff is still here. He only took a duffle bag!

My friend told me to put all of his stuff in garbage bags and let him take it. She said it would really be great irony that he was coming home to take out the trash. Let him take his stuff in trash bags. I would love to do this. But, should I?

I also want to ask him if I need to contact my lawyer. I need to ask him what we are doing financially. I need to know some answers here. I need to know what he is planning on doing.

Please help me. I need advice. I need to know what the right thing to do is. I need answers. I need to know what step I should take next and how to handle this.

MEDC:

I am in a lot of pain. I'm a mess, but at the moment, I don't feel suicidal.

I'm crushed and wondering how in the world I am going to move on. I have been with my husband for 16 years. I can't even remember a time when he wasn't part of my life. I'm not sure how I'm going to handle this, but I think I know I can't commit suicide. I think I'm okay there. I think I realize I need to be here for my son. My son is the only thing that's going to keep me from doing anything to myself. I need to be here for him and I can't imagine him going through life without me. Suicide is not an option for me - at least it's safe to say that right now.

My insurance just doesn't cover my therapy. I'm going to have to look into other options. I think they may cover some mental health issues / depression with a psychologist. My counselor is just a LCSW. I looked into it once before - a couple of months ago - and the deductable is really high and then it only covers 50% of each visit after that. I think the 50% that I would have to pay each time with a phychologist is close to what my counselor is charging me anyway, so I didn't go that route. I'll have to look into it again though. Either way, it's still pretty expensive.

MEDC:

Did you read my last post? If you were to e-mail my husband, what would you say to him?

I think I'm going to call SH today and just put it on my credit card. I'm not sure what to do at this point.

Okay... you should see a licensed psychologist. That will take some of the finacial burden off of you. You should only wind up paying about $40 per visit. That is about 50% of UCR for Medicare which is the amount they would bill your insurance.... 1/2 you pay, 1/2 the insurance pays. Call your insurance to check about this.
As far as your email... I think it is time for you to implement a plan that says that you are not taking this anymore. His fence sitting and justifications are out of line. Let him know if he is willing to be there as your H... working on the M.... NC with the OW...counseling for the both of you, etc... then he can stay. But if he wishes to continue as he has been doing since March... it is time to go dark on him.
You SHOULD speak to an attorney to find out what your options are in the event of his leaving.
I have a distinct feeling that your H will continue with his behavior for as long as you allow it. If you sat down with him and expressed a willingness to work on his feelings as well as yours... that your M is worth this effort and he has still not come around... it is time for him to go.
I would spend today getting the insurance information resolved. Do not be shy in communicating the depth of your despair to the company rep. You need financial allies right now too.
Call SH if you want to today. But PLEASE remember... be honest with him about your emotional state. YOU are already past the point where you have invested more than you could afford to lose. You really have no more to give without some pay back from your H.
I would say IP, that the time has clearly come for your H to be given a clear choice. It is your M.... and all that comes with getting it inline... or it is the OW and all that comes with her.

You asked what I would say to your H. I would sincerely challenge his notions that he is justified in what he is doing. I would also question him about the type of man that he wants to be.... one who cheats, lies and abuses... or one, that faces his decisions head on and looks people in the eye and speaks from truth and integrity.

IP... Please take some time and read Amiok and Lilsis' threads. They will be very valuable to you.

I will try and read some of their posts today when my son takes a nap. I know where LilSis' thread is, but how do I find Amiok's thread?

I would love for you to e-mail my husband, but I don't know if it would help wake him up or not.

I feel like e-mailing my H that IM that he had with moveforward. On that, he was pretty convinced he was going to work on our marriage.

I want to e-mail him that and tell him that he only changed his mind because he talked to that HOMEWRECKING WH*RE!! He would rather listen to someone who thinks it's okay to sleep with a friend's husband and tear a family apart!!!! I'm so angry!!!!!!!!!!!! I don't know what to do with my anger!!

You need to find an outlet for your anger. I am surprised that excercise is not helping with this.
Under control anger is to your benefit. It will prompt you to act. Out of control anger only makes you weaker.
Do a search for Amiok's name... you will find her thread.
I hope you are working on the insurance stuff.
Stay focused.

If he truly means that he only had an affair because he felt the marriage was already over, then that is probably the lowest thing he could have said or done. How could he continue to hurt me for 9 months then? Does he not even have a heart? How could he do that to me? To our son? How could he make me see the OW and put me through what he put me through? Hou could he keep inviting that ho into our home and making me deal with it? How could he keep me on this emotional roller coaster? How could he make me suffer so much pain, so much mental and emotional abuse? He took valuable time away from me with my son. There were so many days this little boy sat and watched me cry all day. If that's true, he is such a cruel b**[censored]. It hurts so bad. I can't stand it. I'm getting worse as the day goes on. I don't know what I'm going to do. I can't believe this is happening to me. I can't stop crying.

They all say that they did it because the M was already over. That is how they justify the A in their own minds. "It wasn't an A because our M was already over, it just wasn't 'official' yet." After they repeat that to themselves about a thousand times they actually start believing it. Call up SH and ask him if plan B is the right move for you now. You can charge the $185 to your WH.

Ip... since we are only on the computer... all I can offer you are words.
You need to find some way of getting ahold of your emotions on a daily basis. Stop trying to figure him out and start worrying about you here. YOU right now are the main concern and frankly if you cannot begin to focus on YOU, I would suggest that you need to get in to see a doctor on an emergency basis.

IMHO... she does not need SH right now. She needs someone in person that can evaluate her and treat as necessary. The M is secondary to her health at this point. She cannot fight the battle of regaining her M until she heals herself.
IP... you need to do this now. For you and for your child. You come across as very desperate and borderline suicidal. Please consider you next move very carefully. We cannot help you here if you do not also help yourself.

In_pain - you are having an acute panic attack. You have them all the time. I know how it feels - I have them too. It often manifests as anger and rage but it is caused by severe anxiety.

Please call your health care provider - whoever prescribed you the antidepressants - TODAY and tell them what is happening. Tell them you need an appointment TODAY and see if they can give you something for the anxiety.

As I understand it, anti-D's don't do much for anxiety. You need something to stop the anxiety and panic attacks.

If you cannot get an appointment today, then do not hesitate to go to an urgent care center or emergency room. Hang the cost. This is your life we're talking about.

Whoever you see today, tell them you are suffering unrelenting panic attacks, tell them why, and let them help you. Some things we cannot do alone.

Please post back that you are going to pick up the phone NOW and get to a health care provider NOW who can help you with the panic attacks.

I understand what you are going there. I have been there many times. You're not crazy. You're having panic attacks. Let someone help you with the panic and then you will be better able to deal with the rest of it - I promise.
Mulan

IP, are you on AD's?

Are you seeing an IC?

You've got to seriously focus on yourself, right now.

You have no footing, no grounding...

~ Marsh

I am on anti-depressants. I have an appointment with my counselor on Tuesday. I have a call into my doctor about the panic attacks and anxiety.

I just don't know where to go from here. I guess I will start working on a new Plan B letter to give to him? I'll post it and hopefully get some feedback.

Set up a call with Steve Harley. I think you are ready for plan B, but I would talk to the expert first. Okay? You'll get through this.

If they don't call you back by 12:00 noon your time, then please get to an urgent care center or an emergency room. They will understand what you are going through and will be able to help you. Please keep posting and let us know how you are doing.
Mulan

IP... it is important that you are evaluated by a pstchiatrist. Based on your own words about not being suicidal... my experience would lend me to think that going to an ER will prove fruitless at this time. If you are feeling unsure as to what you will do to yourself... please seek care IMMEDIATELY. Otherwise... call your primary doctor or mental health provider repeatedly until you are put in touch with a psychitrist by days end!
We can only rely on your word here. If you feel suicidal... do something about it now. If not... please recognize that the words you are using to describe your feelings are cause for great concern. If it is not how you truly feel... please choose your words more carefully. Again, we can only go by what you SAY here. Plus, none of us are professionals... no matter what our training with suicidal people or medications.
Your doctor will be able to give you a better handle on what your symptoms dictate as the next course of action. THE VERY FIRST STEP THOUGH NEEDS TO BE YOU MAKING A CONSCIOUS DECISION TO DO SOMETHING ABOUT THIS! Now.

IP.. how are you today?