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Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 16
T
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T
Joined: Mar 2006
Posts: 16
Hey y'all, touching base with my oldies and those who successfully reached "recovery."

I'm engaged to a wonderful man who has put up with my insecurities more then I can give him credit for. But I think I really messed things up this time. As y'all knew about my situation with Mr."T" that I was blindsided when the OW called me about her and OC. Our marriage ended in divorce and he married OW#2 (I found out that he was seeing OW, OW#2) while married to me and sleeping with OW#2 while OW#1 and I were pregnant.

My problem is this....I've never had this problem before. I posted on the dating after divorce forum and didn't get alot of advice, but....

I'm a wreck. I'm treating my fiance' as if he is cheating on me and he is not. Nothing that has come up shows any indication that he was/is/or ever cheating on me, but I have this vague uneasy feeling and I'm scared. I'm scared of pushing him away, so in order for me to not be "blind-sided again" I was trying to see if there was "anything" going on. There isn't. He's understandable upset when I did confront/ask him about an old account. He feels that I don't love him and I do. I can't shake this irrational fear that I'm going to be hurt again and I know I'm not.

This is the repurcussion of what Mr."T" did to me and my family and affects my relationship with "B" now.

I love "B" with all my heart, the fact that he is still with me speaks volumes.

He says I don't trust him, I do to a point, but I understand why he doesn't believe me when I tell him I do.

He is questioning my love for him now because I 'went looking for something.' It's not that I don't love him, I want to make sure I'm not blind-sided again. I'm being irrational and don't want to push him away, but that's exactly what I'm doing.

I'm tired of this vicious cycle. I thought with the divorce, I'd be able to move on with my life. I never had this problem before. I always trusted and took people at their word.

It's amazing when something like this happens your world doesn't seem safe anymore. I love "B" with all my heart and want to spend my life with him forever, if he'll have me.

But I think I really messed it up this time.

my question is...has anyone else experienced this (those who ended up divorced and moved on.) or for those who successfully recovered and are still married to their spouse, how did you overcome this deep dis-trust and fear?

Did you do any stupid things thinking it was rational at the time?

Any help, advice or encouragement would be greatly appreciated and sorely needed. I think I might have ruined the best thing that ever happened to me now due to my stupidity and irrational fear.

Oh, I am in counseling, we are working on this. The counselor feels that what Mr. "T" did to me was the straw that broke the camel's back so to say. She thinks it will take time, but I will heal, but I hope it's not at the cost of my relationship with "B". I love him so much. That's why I'm posting this. I want to get rid of this crap once and for all so I can move on with my life.

Twiisty


Divorced COM:Three (7,6 and 3 years old) COPM:Two(13, 12 years old) D-day 05/01/01 Recovery 05/01-10/04 Divorce Finalized 04/2006 Oc is 7 and still NC on ex-h's part.
Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 104
W
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Joined: Apr 2006
Posts: 104
Quote
my question is...has anyone else experienced this (those who ended up divorced and moved on.) or for those who successfully recovered and are still married to their spouse, how did you overcome this deep dis-trust and fear?

I wish I could offer you some good advice but I have none.
I notice that you list your recovery as being from 5/01-10/04 but your d was not final until April of this year.

Perhaps, you are still in recovery,and may be in recovery for quite some time. The day after my 19th wedding anniversay I discover 2 alleged OC by the same OW (ages 15 & 9) and I have just now reached a point of knowing what it is that I want (to remain married) and what I am willing to accept and not accept (in order for me to stay in our marriage), and now I think I am just at the beginning of the road to recovery, whether I say in the marriage or not.

Is "B" open to going to counseling with you? For years I thought I could relate and understand when a friend's h was unfaithful to them, but it wasn't until I had my d-day that I actually now do understand. I don't really know how you can explain it to someone who hasn't lived it. Words just don't seem to be enough to express it.

If you find the answer to how to overcome the distrust, I think you could right a book and become a millionaire.

I am still trying and I dont know how long if ever it will be until I am able to overcome the distrust.

My counselor once told me I will never trust again unless I make the choice to trust. Well, good enough, I understand the concept and I want to trust but how do you do it. You can't blindly trust anymore or else you will go insane, literally insane, so you have to slowly calm your fears I think by verifying that you are able to trust the person's word. At least that is how I have been trying me best to overcome it.

And hopefully "B" will understand that your distrust is not a reflection on his trustworthiness but it is a wound within you that still needs to heal.

God Bless You
Ann

Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083
K
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Joined: Apr 2001
Posts: 4,083
I might recommend reading a book together - for both your sakes. He needs to understand that your reflexive reactions are not about anything he is doing. And you need to understand that your reflexive reactions have more to do with you buying into someone else's nightmare than who YOU are.

The Four Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz.

When you discover that you get to create your own beliefs is when marriage and relationships become wonderfully fulfilling!


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 785
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Joined: Dec 2000
Posts: 785
Twiisty Girl,
Z. here. Wow have I been gone a long time. I didn't even know you were divorced. I do hope and pray you find the healing you need to move past what happened in your relationship with Mr. T. You deserve happiness. I'll be thinking and praying for you.
Z.


Zebra Baby ... Lord, give me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, the courage to change the things I can, and the wisdom to know the difference.
Joined: Oct 2007
Posts: 1
R
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Joined: Oct 2007
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I have been divorced for almost 2 years now and I feel the same way twiisty...its aggravating to know that I'm the cause of my new relationship problems. All due to the fact that I can't remove that agonizing feeling that he's cheating on me, when I have no proof whatsoever!! I've never been very trusting of him and I snoop through his things without any regard to his privacy. Its so sickening, I hate myself for behaving like a jealous child. It seems so irrational to me, but yet I find myself in this perpetual cycle and I am so tired of it ruining my chance for happiness!! I love this man with all my heart and he doesn't deserve all the crap I have put him through, but he has given me so many chances to straighten up...this time I think its over. I want to change and I know you do too twiisty, so if ANYONE can help please let me know. I'm beginning to think I have some sort of mental disorder because of how irrational my behavior is in regard to my thought that he's cheating. Hugs and Blessings!!

Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 616
D
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D
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 616
I am not quit sure how you feel (I am still married to my WS, hopefully FWS, we are working on it)

I would say that you shouldn't give anyone 100% trust nor should H give you 100% trust

If you are doing everything together, the things you can anyway, H goes to no parties without you, you go to no nightclubs without H then that limits any possibilities.

I am suspecting that this is work maybe?(the old acct) Is there anyway you can go to his work and meet anyone? if you haven't already.
Set up lunches with the two of you during work hours?
Try and figure out what you can do to see each other during those work times.
If your H knows how crushed you were then he needs to understand what is happening, does H know the whole sorted story? leaving nothing out? even the pain? this way there is intimacy in you conversation.
Then you must figure out a healthy "trust" and also a healthy "mis-trust"
Are you going to counseling?
Can the two of you do any marriage retreats?
or some counseling together? even a few sessions to get through this?


Me-49 and staying there, course AARP sent me my card ugh
H-49
DD and SIL
GS the light of my life! 1 and a half, full of you know what
DS med school
always working on me
•The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Ghandi
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 616
D
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D
Joined: Mar 2007
Posts: 616
Red Fraggle,
its not snooping when its your S. Has your S shared anything and everything with you? leave no stone unturned. If you have to snoop then H is not sharing enough with you. There is no privacy in a marriage in that regard, everything needs to be shared.


Me-49 and staying there, course AARP sent me my card ugh
H-49
DD and SIL
GS the light of my life! 1 and a half, full of you know what
DS med school
always working on me
•The greatness of a nation and its moral progress can be judged by the way its animals are treated. Ghandi

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