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Alrey2 Offline OP
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Hi all,

Sorry I have been gone for a few days. Here is a quick update.

As you know, last Wed. I packed up my things and left for my mothers to start plan B. Many of you told me to go home. I felt as if I could no longer take living with my WW.

Well, Thursday I had several not so nice talks to the WW on the phone. I was upset at her for coming home after the kids bedtime the very first day I was gone, I was upset about the jewlery the Om got her and she continues to wear in front of me, I was upset about her cashing in our change jug that had 1500 in it. I found out my WW took off work early and I left her a message that instead of taking off early to go see her boy(OM), she should go spend some quality time with her kids and better yet she could have taken these times all along to work on her marriage and we might not be where we are now.

I can not stand being gone from my home and kids so I decided to go home. When I got there my WW and kids were gone. I did not know if she took them somewhere away from me or if just to dinner. I left several messages about me having the same right to the kids as her and I hoped she was not doing somthing to try to keep them away from me. They came home from dinner about 8:30 and I helped put them to bed. The night ended with not much conversation. Wehn asked about the night before and the kids bedtime she replied, "so you can come and go as you please and I have a set time to be home?" To which I told her I would gladly be the one to take care of the kids permanently and that I would not be honoring the custody agreement we made. I told her I would be going after primary custody to protect the kids from her and her A.

Friday, I tried to call her at work to talk. For some reason just having her on the phone and hearing her voice seems to calm me. She refused to answer all day. She was quite upset that I had come back home, I guess. That night, when we all got home, I told her that I did not want her wearing her affair trophies in front of me and the kids. When she argued that the OM did not buy the jewlery, I asked the kids what they thought of Mommy wearing her gifts from her boyfriend in front of us. WW tells me "go ahead show your AZZ, you might as well go ahead and break something and get it over with". Calmly and firmly I told her I would not be breaking anything and that she was the one showing her Azz by having and affair and wanting a DV.

I proceeded to ask our 14 year old, in front of WW and other kids, what she thought of Moms' desire to be with her boyfriend. I told them that Mommy had plans to move him in to live with them once she DV me. The kids did not say much and I did not really expect and comments from them. The night proceeded with me telling WW I did not approve of the A.

The night ended uneventfully. The next day, Saturday, my WW was off work and cleaned the house while I was at work. She has not cleaned in months. I did all of this in my plan A. I figure she only did this to show me she could do it all herself. She called me at work and asked me to bring somethings home with me as the Chiefs playoff game was going to be on. Saturday evening was quite but I still mentioned the jewlery and continued my disapproval of her A.

Sunday we were both off. She continued to clean the house as I did work outside. The kids had a birthday party at my mothers. My WW took them at 4:30 and was to go shopping during it and then pick them up. They get home at 9:00. So my WW had 3-4 hours to "shop", this word is a trigger for me because she has used this time to go see OM thoughout the A. She only came home with a few groceries. I told her I know she went to see him. She claimed not enough time etc. I am sure but not positive she did. She did buy items to make some of my favorite meals and said she would be cooking them the next few days.

Yesterday, Monday, I was off work and she was not. Since my WW had met some of my needs like cleaning and cooking, I went ahead and finished off the house cleaning. I know she is not intending to meet any of my needs other than to avoid me saying she is not thinking of her kids, but she did meet some of my needs. She worked a little late but came home and cooked a knockout dinner. I pigged out and told her how good it was. We put the kids to bed and talked about her work, my work, her sister that has 3 boys and dates many men and how the latest is being seen as so great by her and her mother because he played with her boys on the second date. I told my WW, "you know he is trying to bed your sister right? Why do you guys see him as so great? He palys with these kids like he knows them, it is not good for the kids, but this guy knows what he is doing to get in your sisters pants." My WW agreed that this guy had other motives and her sister and mother should not allow him to use the kids.

Later, on the porch, as I looked at my WW, I could not get over how beautiful she looks to me. I told her so and she only responded, "OK". I know she does not want to hear this stuff but I had to say it.

I do not really know if she is still seeing the OM, although all signs point to it. I also am not sure about her reactions to me packing up and leaving then coming back. She proceeded to meet a few of my needs and seemed to be affected in a good way when I told her how I felt about the A, even though most of it was pointing the finger squarely at her for the marital problems.

I think she is just doing what she thinks she needs to do to appease me and get to the final DV day. She thinks all will be better when we DV and I am forced to leave.

What she does not realize is my plan. I am going to fight for my kids and my home. I talked with my attorney and although he said I should stay gone to give her rope to hang herself in regards to the kids, he was very supportive of me fighting for the kids.

Anyway, a few eventful days, a few stearn talks with the WW, a decision to fight for what I want and moving back home. This is what I have been doing. How it will all turn out is very much a mystery. I need to know how to proceed with WW also. Do I plan A more? I can't just live there and ignore her. If she continues to meet needs for me my giver will want to reciprocate. I will still be firm on the A though.

What do you guys think of the situation?


Me- BS39
Kids- 5&9 yrs(bio)and16 yrs(step)
Married 8yrs
D-Day 06-02-06
A Started 12-15-05
Alrey2 #1801974 01/09/07 11:17 AM
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Do I plan A more?

What you did is not in plan A.

NEVER PUT THE KIDS IN THE MIDDLE AGAIN!!!


Plan A is not about pointing your finger at your wife and telling her these things. She knows you don't approve of the A. Stop telling her so.

I don't see too much of her meeting any of your needs. So she cooked a good dinner and cleaned the house. You will not get any real needs met until the A is over. You will see it in her eyes when it's over.

I think the A is still going on.

Sorry I sound so rude, but you need to wake up here.

Last edited by Maybe2late; 01/09/07 11:17 AM.

M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Alrey2 Offline OP
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M2L,

Exposure is what I did with my kids. I read on here from people all the time to expose to the kids. This is what I was doing. The kids are in the middle of a storm and I thought they needed to know why Mommy wants to DV Dad. I did put them in the middle of anything they are not already in.

As far as plan A goes. If I am to be at home I will need to have some sort of plan on how I interact with my WW. I can not just be there and ignore her.

I do believe it was you who told me last week to stand up and be heard to my WW about her actions. To man up as you put it. I feel that I did this very thing this past weekend.


Me- BS39
Kids- 5&9 yrs(bio)and16 yrs(step)
Married 8yrs
D-Day 06-02-06
A Started 12-15-05
Alrey2 #1801976 01/09/07 11:44 AM
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Yes you did man up. You moved back home. That is very good.

you worte: I can not just be there and ignore her.

You will have to ignore things like her fog talk, the jewelry and things like that. Everytime you LB on things like that she will add that to her list of why she is doing the right thing by wanting to D you. Don't add to the list.

The kids know that there is a problem, but don't say things like this:

"I asked the kids what they thought of Mommy wearing her gifts from her boyfriend in front of us."

"I proceeded to ask our 14 year old, in front of WW and other kids, what she thought of Moms' desire to be with her boyfriend. I told them that Mommy had plans to move him in to live with them once she DV me"

This puts them in the middle of not wanting to make mom or dad mad for saying the wrong thing. No matter what they say one parent will not like their answer.

You want to fight the A, but not by BLing. You will need to control that part better. It is HARD I know, but needs to be done.


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Alrey2 Offline OP
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This is one reason I wanted to go to Plan B. If I ignore her affair tokens and her actions during the A, I am enabling the A. If I stand up for myself and speak out, I am LBing. I can do no right it seems. At least in plan B I am removed from it all.


Me- BS39
Kids- 5&9 yrs(bio)and16 yrs(step)
Married 8yrs
D-Day 06-02-06
A Started 12-15-05
Alrey2 #1801978 01/09/07 12:17 PM
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Letting her wear jewelry is not enabling her. Paying for her cell phone and watching the kids so she can talk to and hang out with OM is enabling. Get this in your mind. I'll post more later.


Jim

BS - 32 (me)
FWW - 33
Married 8/31/03
No kids (but 3 cats)
D-Days - 8/25/06 (EA), 11/3/06 (PA)
NC agreed to - 11/8/06
NC broken - 11/28/06, 12/16/06, 1/18/07, 1/26/07, 1/27/07
Status - In Recovery
Jim's Story
jmwc95 #1801979 01/09/07 12:56 PM
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Have you considered that she could have cleaned the house because you said that you were going to fight for the kids?

I would bring a certain amount of reality to her regarding her A, but I agree that you should not include the kids in the future like you did.

I think that put your 14 yr old. in a horrible position of choosing b/t mommy and daddy. That must have been scary for her.


A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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Rinder,

Yes, I have no doubt that she did the cleaning because she learned of my decision to fight her for the kids.

As far as the kids, I guess I exposed them to the A in the wrong way, but it was exposure none the less. Now I can go back to keeping the dirty little secret for my WW and away from them, at least until OM moves in.

As far as my plans? The final divorce court is Feb 27. I am going to try and stay in the home until the courts kick me out. I am going to fight for what I want. I want my kids to live with me full time in our marital home. I would like my W to be with us but this is her decision and nothing I have done, including exposure and plan A, have done anything to change her A or DV plans. Staying home is going against what Jennifer and my lawyer suggest but I feel centered there so I will stay.

When this DV goes through, I will be at the end of my marathon. Hopefully, I will have primary custody, the home and support from WW. If not, then she will have the kids, the home and support from me. I will be able to say I tried to save me kids from her and her A. I will be finacially broke and in need of counseling but what the heck.


Me- BS39
Kids- 5&9 yrs(bio)and16 yrs(step)
Married 8yrs
D-Day 06-02-06
A Started 12-15-05
Alrey2 #1801981 01/09/07 01:42 PM
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What about talking to the "kids" OM mother? Show up at her home and talk to her about her little boy and how he is breaking up your kids home.


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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M2L,

I have actually talked with the OM's mom many months ago when I first discovered his phone number. I could be tempted to talk to her again. I am off again on Thurs and will consider this action.


Me- BS39
Kids- 5&9 yrs(bio)and16 yrs(step)
Married 8yrs
D-Day 06-02-06
A Started 12-15-05
Alrey2 #1801983 01/09/07 02:28 PM
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Heres a thought.

Why not pay her a visit and bring along pictures of your kids. Play on her being a mom herself.

Worth a shot


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
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Now I can go back to keeping the dirty little secret for my WW and away from them, at least until OM moves in.

I don't think that you should hide it...I mean if it comes out again, simply state the facts...don't ask the kids questions...say in front of your WW about what they think about mommie's behavior...this puts you in a bad light...not just in WW's eyes but in the kids...

No child wants their parents to talk bad about the other and being young they could see it in this light...regardless of your intentions not to...

Just trying to give you another POV...I would simply state the truth...if WW gets a call from OM and the kids are around tell WW that you don't appreciate her A affecting the kids and you. If you know that she's going to meet him or she's out with him and the kids ask where she is tell them...

Don't hide the truth, they are smart enough to figure things out on their own anyway...

YOU are doing good...

Quote
Staying home is going against what Jennifer and my lawyer suggest but I feel centered there so I will stay.

What did Jennifer suggest that you do? I must have missed that you spoke with her.

There was something else I wanted to ask but I forgot what it was...something in your other post...OH, did you tell WW that you didn't appreciate the fact that she DJed you on throwing something?

Have you thrown things in the past? I know my FWH has and I thought that he was trying to intimidate me in order to control me and therefore get what he wanted. Have you started taking responsible for your part of your M? The part that you are at fault for...your part of creating a problem...blowing the problem up...

I ask b/c this was hard for me and I'm sure others as well...it's diffucult to face the truth...my FWH said that I was trying to control him...had said it for years and I didn't want to hear it...I had to give some merit to his truth and open my eyes...

Then, I'm not saying that you should do this, just sharing what I did...I waited for the right time (in my eyes...LOL) and admitted to him that I thought he was right...

As time went on, I would see more, and admit more to him...Then, do my best to change that behavior...I remember you said that you have changed alot...I heard you and I think you are doing wonderful...

Still supporting you and blessed to share my stuff with you!

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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[quote]Staying home is going against what Jennifer and my lawyer suggest but I feel centered there so I will stay.

What did Jennifer suggest that you do? I must have missed that you spoke with her.

I think I missed this also. I would never go against what the Harleys say. They are the true pros.

Please fill us in on this.


M2L

ME BH 36 - FWW 33
2 kids
DDAY May 06


Sometimes waywards can be like Laxatives ..... They irritate the crap out of you.
Joined: Aug 2006
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Rinder and M2L,

Yes, I will tell my kids the truth when it is appropriate and refrain from asking them questions or otherwise making them think I am talking bad about their mother. I admit I handled it wrong this weekend.

It is so very frustating. I have been in plan A for 6 month and have made home a safe and comforting place, trying to be a lighthouse to guide my WW home. Sadly, she shows no real signs of coming back to the marriage and I feel less than strong as a lighthouse.

I have talked with Jennifer twice now. Once in the beginning, in which she instructed me on Plan A, she wanted me to call again before going to Plan B. Then after my WW was gone for 4 days during Thanksgiving (kids were at my mothers) I decided it was time to talk to her about plan B. She suggested I move to plan B during the holidays because they can be a big reality bringer. I could not bring myself to leave the kids 2 short weeks before Christmas, so I stayed.

I thought things got better and thought WW and OM had broken up, but then the mysterious jewlery came up and my WW spent more time away from home when the kids were at Grandma's again for Christmas.

This brought me here with this very thread. I had had enough and was preparing to go to plan B.

As far as my past in my marriage. Yes, I had a bad temper and may times during disagreements I would throw things or bash a phone as I hung up on her. This behaviour definetly contributed to the marriage problems. I have worked hard on controling my temper and now turn and walk away instead of letting her bait me and drag me into a loss of control.

I have owned up to many of the contributions I made to the down turn in my marriage. I talk with her about these things as they come up and tell her I now know how badly they affected her. I did not talk to her much, played comp games to often, did not always show her I loved her, did not work for a year after closing a business I opened 5 years earlier, I also blamed her back then for the business failure even though I was to blame and knew it. My WW had the right to divorce me long ago but choose to had 3 differant A's in 8 years.

I have owned up to my parts, most definetly. It would seem though that the damage was done long ago and she will not forgive me.

Thanks for sharing your stuff, this is some of mine.

Last edited by Alrey2; 01/09/07 06:58 PM.

Me- BS39
Kids- 5&9 yrs(bio)and16 yrs(step)
Married 8yrs
D-Day 06-02-06
A Started 12-15-05
Alrey2 #1801987 01/09/07 06:35 PM
Joined: Aug 2006
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I feel that I may have left a few of the last statements to open. So, here is a little more.

In 95' I opened a childerens play facility with slides, tubes, ball pits, games, inflated bouncers, bumper boats ect. My W and I were dating in the beginning, we married in 98'. My rent went up each year according to the lease and I could see by year 3 that we might not make it much longer. I fell into depression and did not work the business for the last year or so. My W tried to keep it a float but always came home to an angry, depressed, throwing blame around husband.

After the business closed my W went to work and I did not. I was truely dibilitated by my failure and the depression that came with it. I owed the Fed gov well over 30k in back taxes and I had to claim bankruptcy over the 250k I borrowed to open the business. I was a failure to myself, my W, my step child and my newly born baby.

It was during this time that my W found a guy at work that listened to her and sympothized. She became a WW. She did not tell me of any of this until this past June when she exposed all to me. This A lasted 1 year.

I got on antidepressents and started to try and rebuild my life. I knew though that something was wrong between my W and I. I became jeleous and controlling. I accused her of flirting and leading guys on. I complained of her makeup or clothes. She started her second A and it lasted 1 year until she says "we were doing much better".

I had a sense that she had done something but she made me feel like I was just crazy and had issues, for many years. Then this past June she told me of the past A's and of the current one and that she wanted a D.

Now, I have been better mentally for several years but still accused her and questioned her on nights out. As it turns out, I was right to feel that something had happened many years ago. I feel so stupid for my part in it and for allowing myself to be fooled for so many years.

Stupider still, besides the word stupider, I still feel in love with her and want to make this work. She does not feel this way towards me and is in an active A. She thinks she loves this one. I have made large strides in meeting her EN and being a better husband and father but as she says, "it is to late"

Last edited by Alrey2; 01/09/07 06:37 PM.

Me- BS39
Kids- 5&9 yrs(bio)and16 yrs(step)
Married 8yrs
D-Day 06-02-06
A Started 12-15-05
Alrey2 #1801988 01/09/07 11:23 PM
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(((((((A2)))))

I feel like with this new info that I have no words to share that would be benefical...the only thing I can think of is that you call Jennifer again and explain your present sitch...

Did you tell her that this is the third A for your WW?

I hope that with all of the advice that you have been given that you do what YOU feel is safe for you...What YOU need to move forward...

I'm so glad that you are feeling better...mentally...I see that You have done a lot of work...

Kudos! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


A loving heart is the beginning of all knowledge.
Thomas Carlyle
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I would flag down Mr W and learn how to do damage control on what you did to your children today - this will not go well in a custody hearing, I can promise you. It was cruel to them. Your wife doesn't deserve squat as far as respect goes - but your children need protection.

I have a foster sister who still calls my mother "Mom" and visits us every summer even though she lives two states away. (I'm out west where two states is a significant distance). Her father was the cheater - her mother reamed him in front of the children about how evil and wicked his choices were - all the while he was working the children telling them that they didn't love him if they chose to live with their mother... Guess why she chose to live with us instead? (my little sister was her best friend).

Don't ever put your children in that position again - ever!

You may want to strategize a sit down with the children to answer their questions but return permission and safety for them to love their mother unconditionally, even if they don't agree with her behavior. You made their authentic feelings of revulsion about their mother's actions a little less authentic because you bullied them today and put them in the intolerable position of "judging" their parents.

Damage control now!


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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