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Joined: Jan 2007
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He and I have been married for 7.5 years and have 2 children together. He was enrolled in an LPN program last year. His school that he chose was over 50 minutes away from home. Of course I knew there would be women in there, and I figured he'd make friends. I know he's a big flirt and I always thought he'd flirt with just the right person. Well he found her. He had an affair with her that lasted from about March-November. I kind of thought something was going on but never suspected it was as bad as that! He looked me straight in the eye repeatedly and swore he would NEVER do anything like that. He even accused me of cheating on him at different times during the year.

To get him to confess was like trying to sprint through chest deep water. I kept asking and kept asking and finally he answered yes. He said I should be glad he admitted it, that he could still be hiding it from me.

Im glad he doesn't want to leave me for that other woman, but I cant get it out of my head. I don't know if I ever will. I want things to work but I can't say for sure if I can stay with him. How do I know what he's doing? He works on-call at night and sometimes doesn't have to go in. He could very easily tell me he's going to work and go spend the night with her (she lives over an hour away, btw). There's just so much I could type here. I just feel so stupid. Stupid for ignoring what my gut was telling me all along...stupid for allowing myself to become friends with the woman (of course before I knew)...stupid for not kicking him out like everyone says I should do. I'm just so confused. And numb. I don't feel anything except stupid. Sometimes I feel mad or sad but all I can do is stare off into space muttering to myself. I take a few medications that could be causing my indifference, like Klonopin for instance.

I don't believe he's sincerely sorry about doing what he did. I think he is only sorry he got caught. I just wish I knew the right thing to do.

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Welcome to marriagebuilders. It is a good that you found us.

Being numb, muttering to yourself, and staring off into space is a normal reaction to finding out that the person you love has betrayed you. Most of us went through the same thing.

At first, none of the infidels are really sorry that they cheated. Like you say, they are sorry that they got caught. That is just the way they are. They would prefer to sweep things under the rug, and pretend it never happened. But that will not help your marriage.

It will take about 2 years to get over his betrayal, so be prepared for the long haul.

Is the other woman married?

How was your marriage before the affair?

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Yes the other woman is married. When I first confronted her with the fact that my DH confessed, she totally denied it. I guess that prompted her husband to grill her and she eventually called me back and said it was true and she never meant to hurt me. I said "you certainly weren't thinking that when you were banging my husband were you? did you expect me to be happy about it?"

Before the A, our marriage was okay. I can't say that it was bad, but it wasn't as fulfilling as I would have liked it to be. He was emotionally distant, with me and the kids, he accused me of cheating on him a lot. He said since he wasn't shown love as a child that he didn't know how to show it to his family. I think that's a lousy excuse, IMO.

Am I being too easy on him? By not kicking him out? I sincerely want him here with me and I want to work on things. But I am so scared that if I don't "teach him a lesson" that it will just happen again. How much can I take?

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crushed - Repost your original message on the General Questions II forum. You will get a ton of great information there as it always has more traffic. You have found a kind of Order of Knights Against Infidelity here. They can really help.

Read everything you can on this site. Learn quickly about Plan A, exposure and fulfilling emotional needs. You need to talk to the OWH. Read the other stories and you will find some nearly identical to your own.

Take care of yourself through these first cold, dark days. Sleep will be hard but you must try. Eat smart and healthy. Take long walks. You have a lot of work to do and you must stay in good mental and physical health.

You are not stupid for trusting in your marriage vows. You did not make the choice to have the A. If you still love your WH and want to build a new marriage you will find the tools here.

I will be sure to watch your story for updates. Repost at GQII.


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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I talked a little with OWH before finding out the whole truth. I don't know how to get ahold of him. He has my number but hasn't called me. He knows whats going on I think. I think he has left her.

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He probably needs to start working days so you know for sure where he is. Also he needs to be an open book to you, letting you know his whereabouts at all times. You will need to check up on him until he has proven that he is trustworthy.

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Hey Believer:

I hate to argue with one so wise (and I have read your posts and really to believe you to be wise), but I have to take exception to your statement "At first, none of the infidels are really sorry that they cheated. Like you say, they are sorry that they got caught. That is just the way they are. They would prefer to sweep things under the rug, and pretend it never happened."

I will agree with you that this is, without doubt, what happens in the vast majority of the cases, but don't apply it to us all. I was not so sorry that I got caught. In fact, I viewed it as a God thing to give me what I needed to break free from an addiction. I have seen one other guy say he was remorseful from the start too. So, while I agree that 99.99% of cheaters are at first only sorry they got caught, it's not "always" the case. There are some strange people like me.

God bless.


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I'm so angry at him. Some of the things he has told me about the A make me sick to my stomach. NOTHING is special between him and I anymore. Everything he does for me he did for her. That hurts really bad. He even told her he loved her, but claims he didn't mean it. Whatever.

I just don't know if I can do this or not. I know my situation is not unique in any way but no one I know closely has been through this.

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Hey Crushed:

I am so very sorry you are in such pain. I wish I could say I relate, but I was the wayward one. Just wanted you to know you are in my thoughts and prayers. I know with the help of those here who are far wiser than I that you will survive and ultimately flourish.

God bless.


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CD,
Welcome to MBs, a place where no one truly wants to be, but a source of great support and wisdom. What you are experiencing is normal. Let me say that again, what you are experiencing is normal. You have experienced the most devastating blow to a marriage. Most WS's want BS's to forgive and forget because they don't know how to deal with the emotions and feelings and pain that they have caused. My H made the comment 9 months post DDay that "I would have thought we would be back to normal by now". Truth is, he has been learning and trying to forgive himself. He doesn't know how to talk about what he is feeling, but he is learning. In that respect, we have learned to communicate better post A than pre.

That sick feeling and lack of trust is normal. Nothing was sacred in my marriage either. That sick feeling in your stomach will ease with time. Your heart will begin to mend as you continue on this long, rough road to recovery. You will have ups and downs. You will need to communicate with each other. The ENs (Emotional Needs) questionnaire on this website has been very helpful for us to understand one another and to frame our communication. Trust can be rebuilt with time. (Read up on Love Bank Account on the website.) You don't have to teach your H a lesson by kicking him out. If he is committed to this marriage and is doing all that he can to meet your ENs and you are doing the same for him, you can rebuild. But it is going to take time.

When was DDay? Any other details you can offer to help us understand your situation further? Pray for the strength to make it through this. I still pray daily for God's grace and strength to help me. Read SAA (Surviving An Affair) by Dr. Harley. Read all of the information on this website. And know that you are not alone. Eleven months post-DDay and things are better.

Take care and God bless,
SS


Me: 44
FWH: 51
Married: 15 years (second for both)
Children:
Mine: 25, 22, 21
His: 26, 20
D-Day: 3/13/06
Healing: Ongoing

May the grace of God comfort you and heal your pain.
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Jim, I agree with you that for some men (and also women which you didn't address) there is a real need for them to rid themselves of guilt because they cheated - not because they were caught. I think it is a much higher percentage than you suggest (probably much more than .1% as you stated). Without going into much detail, my WHS (wayward husband spouse?) provided evidence for me on numerous occassions, finally leaving a hallmark card with love letter and photos of the OW for me to literally trip over in his bedroom - the home away from home due to job. On another occasion, I found her business card on his refridgerator (he lives out of town due to work most of the time). Did I like it? NO! He has never admitted the transparency of it all - the fact that he REALLY WANTED me to know about it. But, I believe he wanted me to know because he felt so guilty. He wanted to bring it out into the open, but I just ignored it until he MADE me confront it. We are going to rebuild (I think... check back next week if you know what I mean).


"I am I said! But no one listened, not even the chair" Neil Diamond (not a fan, just stumbled on it and it resonated with me, maybe with you...) Me- 42 BW Him - 41 - WH EA and PA - 8/05 - 2/06 DDay - second time - 1/2/07; 1st time 1999 Married 13 yrs Son - 10; SS - 16, SD - 20
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First, I am in the same situation, for the second time. We share many feelings and circumstances. But, you said "There's just so much I could type here. I just feel so stupid. Stupid for ignoring what my gut was telling me all along...stupid for allowing myself to become friends with the woman (of course before I knew)...stupid for not kicking him out like everyone says I should do. I'm just so confused. And numb. "

You and I both feel stupid because we are strong, independent women who want to be considered as intelligent. But, are we stupid because of what our husbands did to us? How would this be our fault? I also struggle with others who say "kick him to the curb", but they do not and cannot know what is between you and your husband and your strength? Ok, I am numb, and want to stay numb. But, we have to get to the point where we can accept that we are not stupid, just betrayed, and then decide if it is worth the effort to reconcile. I would be happy to talk with you more about this via personal message. Check out all the materials on this site and share with your husband, they really have helped us. Like you, I am still struggling with these feelings of shame - yes shame - I am a smart woman - how could this happen to me????


"I am I said! But no one listened, not even the chair" Neil Diamond (not a fan, just stumbled on it and it resonated with me, maybe with you...) Me- 42 BW Him - 41 - WH EA and PA - 8/05 - 2/06 DDay - second time - 1/2/07; 1st time 1999 Married 13 yrs Son - 10; SS - 16, SD - 20
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hey diva. I'm sorry that you find yourself here. We're all sorry that we find ourselves here... anyway, it's been almost 2 and a half years since I found out, and I'm still struggling with it. Not sure it'll ever just "go away"... you just have to accept that it may never go away


screwed again...
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Check out this letter from the MB web site. It really helped me and us.

"Can't We Just Forgive and Forget?"

http://marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5042_qa.html

Let me know if this addresses your issues.

Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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Hi. It's been since 12/05 since I found out and I'm still struggling. It just hurts so badly sometimes. The thing is, I was tested just three months before his A, and I passed. It was a former boyfriend and I had no doubts, no problems telling him no. It would have been so easy, but there was no way I was going to do that my H. I always thought my H felt the same way, but I guess not. He tells me now that he would never do that again, but just the fact that he was able to do it makes me wonder if he is the man I thought he was.

I am trying, and so is my H. Why should it be so much easier for him? It's not fair.


Trying everyday

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