If I understand things correctly, according to UK divorce law (which covers my little community), I can apply for divorce under the following circumstances: (a) Adultery, (b) Unreasonable Behaviour, (c) Desertion, (d) Two year's separation (with spousal agreement) or (e) 5 years separation (no spousal agreement required).

In the case of (a) or (b), you cannot use these as grounds for divorce if you're still living with your S and there's been no adultery or incidents of unreasonable behaviour within the last six months.

I take this as meaning that, if D-Day arrives and you decide to try to recover the M rather than walk away, it seems you apparently have this six-month "window" to work with, after which getting the D will likely be a lot more difficult, and would actually require two to five years of separation first before it's granted. Is this correct?

If so, that's bad news for those of us who take longer than six months to give up and decide that it just isn't worth the pain to continue trying to recover the M because our (F)WS is apparently no longer interested in making the effort to do so with us. Those of us who were told that recovery from an A could take two years, if not longer, and hinged our hopes on that.

How many of you BS's felt within six months after D-Day that your M was actually going to make it and end up being something that you actually *wanted* to be in when recovered?

It seems like there are so many factors involved that only a UK lawyer can answer.....but in answer to your question about my feeling after 6 months vs. 2 years:

As a BS, the determining factors for me WANTING the M were 1) how long it took for plans A & B to work and 2) how tired I was after that procedure.

We just passed 6 months from our 1st (of 3) D-Days but I did not actually start plan B until Nov. 10.

Time will tell, but we're doing great so far. Now that we've discovered MB, I believe we will make it. At least now I WANT to make it.

I certainly knew well before 6 months

MIM, is you FWW still working with the OM?

Nope - they ceased working together in late 2005, though there was infrequent business-related contact until almost mid 2006. I get the impression that he wants nothing to do with her now. Either that or he's afraid of what continued contact might lead to.

MiM

I'm in the UK too, and as far as I know you're exactly right. The six-month window on applying for a adultery-based divorce was very pressuring, given that Plan A (I gathered) was supposed to last up to six months for a female BS.

I was aghast to realise that, if I didn't apply for divorce within six months (and I could barely function for much of that time), I'd have to wait five years if H opposed it. I think a one/two year timeframe for 'effects of infidelity', rather than six months for 'active affair', would be a fairer deal for the BS.

However, time is the only issue. As far I could tell, there were no repercussions - none at all - on the WS, for being divorced on grounds of adultery. It made no difference to child custody or the division of assets. I was quite surprised by this.


TA

It took me almost six months just to establish NC. Six months after that I finally had hope. One month later I ran WW off in a brief Plan B and wanted her out of my life forever. Now, five months after that, we may finally be looking at real hope. Six months is nothing. With all due respect to BigK, I don't think his case is typical.

On a side note, forcing WW to leave was the best thing that happened the entire time. Nothing like the cold slap of reality.

If I had an opportunity to go back and change what I did since D-Day, I think I might have started legal divorce proceedings immediately, while still plan A'ing. Yes it sounds quite contradictory, but here's how I see it:

1. The divorce proceedings might have just been the wake-up call my FWW needed to make a firm decision on staying and really working on the M, or leaving. What I got instead was well, what I am experiencing now.

2. The OM would have definitely lost his job in the process, as I would have named him in the proceedings and referred to his other activities. His company would have been too embarrassed to keep him on. Right now he's sitting pretty - got a promotion too.

3. I wouldn't feel like I might end up being punished by the law now because I decided to not give up so easily on my M.

Pio - I agree. I have never claimed my timeframe is typical. My wife never did break NC and has committed to our marriage and is an enthusiastic participant in recovery. That makes a world of difference.

Yes I agree. Unfortunately that is 20-20 hindsight which I also had. Most newly discovered BS's are in such a state of shock that they are incapable of this level of understanding. I think most would believe, at that time, that the act of filing would be the last nail in the coffin. It isn't until much later that they are capable of understanding that it isn't. It depends on how long the stages of denial and bargaining take as well. We all handle grief differently. I tend to do it with chocolate - seems to speed up the process.