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Joined: Jan 2007
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Im not sure where to begin, so Ill just go for it. Me and my husband have been married for six years, and have three kidds, who are 6, 3, and a week old. Three days after I delivered the new baby, my husband told me he wants to seperate, move to montana (we live in NM at the moment) and then get a divorce.

The last couple of years have been rough, and we both have done a lot of dammage to this relationship, but I still am very much deeply in love with my husband, and if he leaves in may for montana, I think I might die of a broken heart. (He is only staying till may so that our oldest can finish the shcool year)

I know it will take work, and I am willing to change my habits, and rebuild our relationship, but he has completly distanced himself now, and will not talk with me about trying to fix things. He keeps saying "I love you, but im not in love with you any more" and "Iv made my desision, I dont want to talk about it"

What can I do??? How can I get him to change his mind and start working twards fixing this befor we destroy our family?

I cant accecpt that we are over. No matter what we have been through, we have always stood strong together. I wish I could go back and prevent myself from making the mistakes I made, but I cant just walk away... I love him. I have always loved him... How can I get him to love me again???

Joined: Feb 2002
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This is a great site for you. The tools are here, you will just need to implement them.
I don't know what damage you both have done, but in order to draw him back in, you will need to be prepared to work hard, with no immediate rewards and be ready to meet his needs, without having your own met. This is called Plan A.
I believe the MB principles can repair marriages and make them better than ever before. Please read the concepts on the site. You will likely need to determine his top Emotional needs on your own, without his input.
Then search for Plan A, which is to be the best spouse you can be to draw your spouse back into the marriage. Once you begin meeting their needs, they may begin to meet yours. This is a short term phase which could lead to marital recovery.
This may be hard to implement with a newborn, but you do have a few months. It will go against the grain, but it can be worth it to keep your family intact. You will need to let go of any expectations of him and show him the spouse he loved and married.
Good Luck.


It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
Joined: Jan 2007
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Thanks... I am trying to figure out what to do, trying to stay strong.

I want things to be better between us... But I have serous doubts that he wants us to work out.

Ill keep trying though.

I love him, and Im not one to give up.

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Not giving up and doing what it will take to draw him back are very different. If you keep doing the same things, nothing will change.
If you use the tools on the site and can draw him back in, you could have a better marriage than you ever imagined.
It's a choice. There are many people who have used the tools and the result was a great marriage. Others used the tools and were not able to recover the marriage. By using the tools, they knew they did all they could to recover the marriage, and that piece of mind is valuable.
And, the MB tools can help in your general life, not just in a marriage.
Good Luck.


It was a marriage that never really started.
H: Conflict Avoider, NPD No communication skills (Confirmed by MC) Me: Enabler
Sep'd 12/01, D'd 08/03.
My joys and the light of my life: DD 11, DD 9
*Approach life and situations from the point of love - not from fear.*
Joined: Apr 2000
Posts: 2,863
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Joined: Apr 2000
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I'm so sorry you are here. But this is a good place for you.
WARNING> Do not tell your husband about MB. This is your secret weapon.

Don't talk to him about saving your marriage, don't talk to him about the Relationship. Read Plan A and follow it. Read Love Busters section.

It's highly likely he is having an affair. Do not ask him about this. He will deny and go underground. Take your time. You have a few months to snoop with great caution.

Never confront him with what you have found. When a straying spouse finds out that you have been checking on him, they take care to hide their tracks. From where I've been, the ILYBNILWY speech means they are infatuated with someone new.

There are textbooks of a sort, scripts, for cheating spouses. They all say and do the same things. Come here, post, vent, there are many wise people willing to support you.

Joined: Sep 2003
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"What can I do??? How can I get him to change his mind and start working twards fixing this befor we destroy our family?"

Be sure to secure your finances. I suggest you see an attorney to establish child support and alimony, and money for living.

Then you can work on Plan A, and making changes.

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I have read through the site and am trying to put the advice to work. Its just so hard when I feel like he has no need for me.

Im going back and forth between being hurt and really pi$$ed off.

I am working on implementing the tools here, bu how can I figure out his most important needs without his imput?

Joined: Jan 2000
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The first thing to do is stop any lovebusting behavior...meeting ENs only works if you are not LBing. As for figuring out his ENs...think back, what things drew him to you to begin with? When you were getting along well, what things did you do that made him smile?

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We use to just have a lot of fun talking, goofing around, and sitting over coffee.

We never had any of the Sexual issues that I am reading a lot on here... But now that he is so distnt, Im wondering if that is going to start. He is completly withdrawn, and shows NO interest in having anything to do with me. (He actualy lookes for excuses to not be here with me and the kidds, so its hard to have a nice time with an absent person)

I don't know any more. I am running myself into the ground trying to do things to make him happy, and not gitting so much as a nod from his direction.

I have cut my LB's completly, and am trying like ****** to meet all of his needs.

It is gitting me NOWHERE.

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I'm in the same boat. If you find the answer tell me.

Joined: Feb 2007
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I am in the same boat. My husband wants to leave and I still want to make things work. I just found this site so I'm going to try everything that others have suggested.

I've started to focus on the good things that came from this relationship and not on the negative stuff. I started to write down 1 thing a day that I appreciate about my husband and it started making me appreciate him more. I think he's noticed a change in me, how I'm not sad anymore. I guess you can say I put the focus on me and trying to make me happy.


I think it will take time for but I think it's worth it. Good luck with working it out with your DH.


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