I listed these in a post to the recovery forum yesterday - they might be of interest to those FWS's who have difficulty understanding why their BS doesn't seem to be recovering: if you're a FWS, try to answer them as honestly as possible to yourself

1. Are you open and honest to your BS in a way that your BS perceives to be open and honest? This is not just about telling your BS what you're doing and where you're going, but also sharing with your BS what's on your mind.

2. Do you actively take part in marriage building techniques, or do you grudgingly take part, then give up a week later because you saw no immediate improvement?

3. When your BS is affected by a trigger or anything to do with your A, do you offer your apology and try to comfort your BS, or do you avoid apologizing and say things like "how many times do I have to apologize for this?"

4. Do you try to turn discussions about your BS's feelings and what your BS is going through into discussions about your feelings and what you want to do?

5. Do you look for opportunities to show that your BS that they are the one that you want to be with for the rest of your life?

6. Do you show your BS that you want to try to recover your M together, whether or not they're feeling sure?


I suppose that WSs that are experiencing difficulty recovering their Ms have a similar list of questions for their BS. If so, I'd sure like to hear them...

I have some questions!

1. Why won't you take my passwords and other information I give you since I am giving them in good faith and a spirit of O&H and wanting you to feel secure?

2. Why won't you read SAA and HNHN with me so we can work on our marriage?

3. Why do you throw my EA in my face in every fight? Even and including, "why don't you call OM and talk to him about it?"

4. Why do you just want to never talk about it and just hope that it goes away?

5. Why, when I am "caught" being trustworthy (ie, accused of erasing the computer history, only to find that it was not erased) does that not help build trust?

6. Why do you tell me that you are "so angry and it hasn't been dealt with" and then not take any steps to deal with it??

I am in the interesting position of being the FWW who wants to work on the marriage with a BH who is still here, just not actively working on things.....I am 99% sure we will stay married, just not sure what that marriage will look like...

Feeling kinda like Comfortably Numb sometimes..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />