Thank you all for your responses. You don't know how much I appreciate your unbiased answers and support.
JL, I do appreciate your views as a male. It does make it easier to see from my husbands perspective. Thank you. However, I do want to clear up some things. I don't want you to have the impression that I'm some yucky slutty girl who just goes around making babies with everyone. I would probably still be with my oldest child's dad today if he had not walked away from his responsibilities. I became pregnant with him my senior year in high school and I continued to put MYSELF through school while I worked full time. I didn't live off of state aid or my parents. In fact, my parents made me do EVERYTHING myself and for that I am very thankful. I bought a house on my own shortly after graduating from college. I didn't get married until he was 7 years old. I didn't know that my husband would do a total 360 after I had our daughter. (He is admitting to this now.) I really did explore all of my resources prior to having an affair. I went to marriage counseling and he hated it, I talked to my pastor, I tried talking to my husband, I went so far as to write on paper all of the things that he did that hurt me and at the end (BEFORE the affair) I told him that if things did not change I would have to move on. I know that as a christian woman, I knew better than to sleep with anyone outside of marriage and for that I have to take responsibility. I am also beginning to realize that I had no business discussing my marital problems with ANYONE of the OPPOSITE sex. This has been a learning experience for us, we just have to learn the hard way I guess.
AD and TH, I sent a text message to the OM yesterday telling him that I no longer wanted any contact with him. Of course he sent me one million more messages and emails wanting to know what was going on. So today we talked on the phone and he stated that he respects my marriage enough to walk away from me, that he doesn't want to be in an affair with me but he still cares about us and will be there if I ever need anything. I do believe that he will walk away for now out of respect...I also know that he will be back after I have this baby if I choose that.

So for now, it will be NC with the X. Thank you everyone. Please continue to support me as I go through the next few weeks.

kaelinmom,

NC is the only way to go to save your marriage and the life your current children know. Change your phone numbers, Change your e-mail account names. Change whatever you can so he cannot contact you. If he gets through, do not converse and immediately tell your H. If you plan to maintain this pregnancy, then plan on raising the child yourself or with your H. Do not keep OM as a backup in case your marriage fails. Your H needs to know that you are quits with OM. That you are not keeping him in the wings if the M doesn't work. This is a very painful, long, uphill battle. If you have been reading any of the old posts you can see that two years, four years, etc. this continues to be a part of your lives forever. The good news is that they show you there is hope and joy down the road, but you have to fight for it.
Best Wishes
FTS

Thank you FTS. I know that my H is concerned that the OM is in the wings in case the M fails. I am pretty certain that that is in the back of his mind. I have told him that this situation would be the prime opportunity to leave him if I didn't want to work on the marriage but that I am committed to making this marriage work.
Since I came out about the affair I am spending all of my free time with him. Things that would normally be done alone (errands and running the kids from place to place) we are doing as a couple. I know that this helps him to know where I am and what I am doing. I also try to call him while I'm on my way to and from work so he knows that I am not chatting with anyone else.
I am sure that this will be a long hard uphill battle but I am pretty determined that we can make it and he is being very positive about it too.

KM, the transparent you are about your life the better your H will feel. I hope you have changed your email address and cell phone number so OM cannot contact you. You should also give your H complete access to everything.

KM,

You said:



Here is what you need to do, because what you have done is not good enough. OM won't go away quietly, because you have already broken NC! I don't care that he called you or however it happened, it still broke NC! You need to write a NC letter WITH your H. You need to make it known to OM that under no uncertain terms will there ever be contact again! If you are worried about hurting him, well, you've already done that to your H. HE is the one you should be worried about hurting further, not the OM. The OM has NO place in or outside your M. Your relationship with him MUST be totally OVER! No more of this, "I also know that he will be back after I have this baby if I choose that."!!!! THAT exact mentality is what will KILL your M, or what you have left.

I agree with the others, change your phone number, cell phone number, email account addresses, and anything else that OM uses to contact you! Little snips of contact here and there are just as harmful as full on contact. You need to stop it and stop it now. If OM was so worried about your M, he never would have carried on with you in the first place.

You say that you are spending all your free time with your H, well, when did you have time then to "chat" with OM? Does your H know about this contact? You need to re-evaluate your actions.

KM,

You said a few things that I thought I would comment on. First please listen to Tigger, she knows her stuff, as do others posting to you.

On the issue of abortion, if it is indeed still an issue. Let me quote your words and then ask you a question.


Two things come through. One you did not have a strong marriage. Two, you and for whatever reason your H did not thrive in the marriage once your daughter was born. And you pointed out he had a vasectomy, suggesting that both of you did not want another child. I am guessing it was he more than anyone who did not want another child.

Given this history do you think having an abortion will solve the problems in your marriage?? I don't!

I do however think you two should discuss the affect your daughter had on the marriage from BOTH of your points of view. How would you and he handle it differently? What have you learned?

Given what you have said and given that this is OM's child (AT THIS POINT), you can see why abortion would be your H's choice. However, I said AT THIS POINT for a reason. IF your H decides or has decided to be a true father to your daughter, AND your older child, he can become THE FATHER to the child you are carrying.

For this to happen, BOTH of you need to really review what you mean by commitment, what it means to be parents, adults, and most of all MARRIED.

I have no idea if this will work out, but I would make a sizable wager that having an abortion won't fix what is broken, and it will likely break it further. The child you are carrying is not the problem, the poor thing is just the symptom.

Finally, I mentioned the 3 children by 3 fathers not to put you down. It was mentioned because this situation was and is going to be hard on them no matter what you do. Your oldest needs to learn what is really means to be a man, and right now his role models are a little short of stellar. He also needs to know what marriage means and how to treat a woman and what to expect from a woman. How do you think he sees this?

I am not trying to lay a guilt trip on you. I want you to think from the perspective of your H, AND your children. With those added perspectives I believe you will be able to make the best of this situation no matter what your H decides.

I do like that you two are spending time together. Keep up the good work.

God Bless,

JL

Tigger- AHHHHH.... this is so hard. Ugh, I thought I was doing the right thing and I just flunked the very first day. No, he doesn't know that we chatted I was at work.

JL, I don't think that having the abortion will fix the things in the marriage. I also agree that if I am "pushed" to make that decision I will grow to regret it and my marriage will be worse. I think that my H thinks the same way that I do, "what will everyone think"? I think that he thinks it will be better if we just hide the fact that it ever happened.

We are working on communication and discipline in the marriage class that we are taking. We both recognize that we fail miserably at this one.

I am really concerned about my son also. His "real" dad also has 3 children by 3 different parents, two of which he was not ever married to. My husband is really a great role model to him overall...he is not mean or abusive to me by any means he is just not an affectionate or loving person to me. Now, the kids are a totally different story.

Ugh, this is where I start leaning back toward abortion to "fix" the mess that I have created. I start getting fearful of how my kids, family and friends will perceive me. I am also really worried that I will no longer be able to work at the Pregnancy Center that I'm involved at. I volunteer there 10-12 hours a week on top of my "regular" job. I help women NOT to have abortions. I really don't know that I would be able to scan them anymore knowing I had aborted my own child...I also worry that because of what I have done, the board will no longer see me as an asset to the organization and I love what I do there.

I'm just kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place right now.

JL,

Your last post cleared up what issue I had with your other post. (Abortion as a possable to solution to fix this M. I didn't think having an abortion would fix anything. I also got why her H would demand it, but minds can often change in these cases.)

BTW, I one of your fans :-)

Kaelinmom,

Please get with the NO-CONTACT letter as suggested. Do not feel guilty in the least for CUTTING out OM when it comes to the child. The child will have a father who appears to be a good man. If he is given a chance to think of this child as his own he just might start to act that way.

Don't be guilty of thinking OM is your backup plan. Please get it out of your head if it is, it will only further seperate you and your H. Count on your H. Even if you have to take it on faith at the moment. Your H will pick up on this wether he will tell you or not.

Learn the skills needed to fill your H EN's, I am sure this is a wake up call for him too! I suspect after seeing effort on your part, he will want to get on the EN filling bandwagon as well. At least that is what has happened in my M.

I had a lot to prove when I spilled the beans. Were not perfect, but I can't think of anywhere else I would rather be either! :-)

TH

KM,

You said a few things that I thought I would comment on.

You said
Isn't that a little late to worry what everyone will think?
Consider this carefully. Who is the one person you never wanted to see you pregnant by another man? Your H. You cannot hide this fact. Further, you KNOW what you did, and you cannot hide from that.

Let's assume that you do not have the abortion. Even if you two divorce EVERYONE WILL KNOW, because everyone can do basic arithematic. So your H will be known as the man you cheated on and had a baby by another man. If everyone doesn't know he had a vasectomy, then they will assume he is the father unless there are some very telling physical signs, such as different race or such.

So the reality is the important people know, that would by YOU and YOUR H. The next thing is for you to consider why your daughter changed your marriage. Was it you focusing on her, your other activities, and then finally your H? Was it that you got better feed back elsewhere, daughter, friends, etc. because he is not very demonstrative to you? What was the reason your daughter's presence caused such problems? I ask this because you can change this with this next child.

Your H can be part of this, and he can enjoy many things, other than the morning feedings <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />, and the diapers <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> .

So what would others think is something as important as you might think.

But, here is one for you, what would YOU think of your H if he stayed and help you raise another man's baby, and made that baby his own child? You really need to think about this. You really need to understand your thinking and be very very honest.

Here is why I say that. Many women claim they want a "sensitive" man, but if a man comes to these same women with their problems, their hurt feelings, their neediness, these same woman start looking for MEN, or a REAL MAN. They just wanted the good stuff, "sensitive" husband is code word for someone that is just like my girl friends, listens to my problems, "gets it" when I complain, etc. but pays the mortgage. What they don't want is to have to work and address HIS problems.

My point is what do you REALLY want and why? You see what your H wants very very clearly is RESPECT. His feeling is if he stays and you have this child everyone will be laughing at him, and/or have no respect for him as a man. The question to start with is "will you?" Why? or Why Not?

Next you said:


And the problem with this picture is??????


So is this voluteer work more important to your children?
Is this volunteer work more important than the child you are carrying?
Is this volunteer work more important than your marriage?
Is this volunteer work more important than your H?

You really need to consider this. You work full time, you have two children right now. You are married and have a husband AND you volunteer at a clinic. Have you read Harley's 4 rules for a good marriage? If not go to the articles and read it. The rule of time is in play here.

Oh, by the way, an abortion will NOT fix this mess either will it. Your H already knows about the affair, and the child. You already know about the affair and the child. Yes, you are in a difficult and very embarrassing situation. However, people survive embarrassment, they don't survive abortions do they? Your marriage can survive embarrassment, IF your marriage is something you both WANT to survive. Your H is ambivalent, not surprising right? But, what does he get if he stays except more lost sleep, more financial responsibility, loss of respect from friends and family? You see it is up to you to figure out what he gets if he stays and it is not you on your knees at his beck and call.

Please think about this. You need a plan young lady, and you need to start making that plan today. Please read the r rules that Harley has posted. Please read about needs. Please read about the policies of "radical honesty" and "joint agreement". And then read about the love bank.

I think a plan will form and the people here will help you. Your H needs to be able to see a win and right now he is having a hard time. Your job is to help him see the win. Your other job is to see the light at the end of the tunnel. The tunnel is not what you dreamed but it is what you have created.

So read, think, and ask questions.

God Bless,

JL

I'm just kind of stuck between a rock and a hard place right now. [/quote]

JL,


After I took the positive pregnancy test it only seemed logical to me to immediately tell my H the truth. We were in the process of trying to work on our marriage and I truly felt like he needed to know what I had done. I had prayed about what to do and that was the only thing that came to mind. I knew that he would be really mad but I had hope that he would be able to help me through the situation.




Things changed after we had her because he spent ALL of his time with her. His whole life revolved around her. I think a lot of it had to do with the fact that we had her on the day that his brother died and she acts a lot like he did. Anyway, he refused to let anyone outside of his family watch her for the longest time, I was not allowed to discipline her because if I did she would yell, "daddy save me" and he would scoop her up and basically give her the impression that what I told her to do did not matter, we didn't go anywhere anymore and he quit having sex with me. It was like she was his wife and I was no one. He is able to recognize these things hurt me now.

I will refer to those articles thank you. I have a lot of hope for my marriage. I really do. I truly believe that things will work out in our favor. I think that I have a long hard road ahead of me but I believe that he will be there beside me to help me.

I have realized through this situation that I really do love and appreciate what he does for me and our children. You are right, we do need a plan. However I am afraid to approach him about that right now. I am still against having an abortion and I am really afraid to bring that up to him right now. I don't know when to bring this up.

KM,

First YOU have to have a plan. It is a plan to save this marriage, weather the embarrassment, and deal with your H's issues. His actions around the daughter are a bit over the top, usually it is the female that really focuses on the child. I will tell you he is doing her no real good not including you in decisions about her, and shielding her from you.

But, consider a plan for you action first. He may not stay if you decide against an abortion. He may change his mind and come back. He may stay.

So many things YOU really cannot control, but you can make a positive influence.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

KM,

Even though you may have "flunked" on the first day, you still have the rest of the "class"(rebuilding/recovery) to make the rest straight A's! JL also has some very awesome advice! He's been around these boards a long time, observing everyone and everything. He know's what he's saying when he says that your H might leave, might leave and come back, or might just stay anyway. Think about it.

I say the same thing he does. Do NOT abort. From your previous post, you KNOW how they are done! You KNOW what happens to women who go through with them! My H also had a V, and we still only told(other than what MIL did on her own) only those we felt needed to know.

Do your NC letter and get it done TODAY! Have your H read it, sign it WITH you, and send it today or tomorrow! Your first and main priority should be to repair your M, THEN, comes your children. The only thing more important is your relationship with God.

Please encourage our H to come here, if only to post a couple times, or just to read. I know and my H knows how difficult it is to deal with a situation such as yours. PLEASE, if he won't post, at least encourage him to read. You can go do a search for the username Sailorman59. That is my H's log in name. You can have your H read all that we went through, during and after our Abbi's birth. One of the biggest differences in our situations is that xOM never knew in our situation, so there was not that fear, at least after he left the state that we were in at that time. BUT, you can both get through this and intact too! Your H would NEVER be laughed at here, in fact would receive TONS of support! We won't push him to decide one way or the other, but WILL provide him with all the info to get through this.

Keep posting, keep loving your H, keep NC at NC! You slipped, but just don't let it happen again! You can make it through this one way or the other, but your best chances at saving your M are to put the M and your H FIRST.

Alas, I'm not sure that I have anything valuable to add to all of this but I was compelled to post. I'm not a success story or poster child but what I do have to offer is a possible view of where your husband could be in a year. At the time my wife had her affair we had been married 10 years and had 2 young children. I remember going to dinner on our 10 year anniversary as part of Plan A. Unfortunately, soon after she became pregnant. Where our situation is different is that I didn't have a vasectomy and there was a possibility that the child was mine. Ultimately, I was focused on saving our marriage not out of love for her (Can you really be in love with someone when they are having an affair?) but out of love for my family. I owed it to my boys. But enough about me, let's get to what made me want to type this.

Our decision was to have the baby. I don't need any applause from the anti-abortion crowd as the decision was not that I'm against abortion. In fact, there are bad days when I wonder if that may had been a better option. Please don't persecute me for that statement. It's just a statement of a random thought. I conceded to not abort because I was focused on saving our marriage and felt that our marriage wouldn't survive an abortion. I don't believe my wife would have gotten past it. Another difference is that we have always said that the OC was mine. We had agreed prior to going through with the pregnancy that I would control whether or not to find out. Unfortunately, that didn't play out and it was reasonably well confirmed that this child was not mine withing hours of the birth. Again, not one of my favorite moments in life. This child is now almost 8 months old and on the surface our lives are pretty normal. The world would believe that this child is ours just like our other two. I know that he's not but I don't treat him differently. I know we are part nature and part nurture. When people say how beautiful or smart he is I'm not sure that my chest puffs up quite the same as it would when I hear it about my other two. I am bonding with him. What I struggle with and may be this is where I can help is that so much of the work really falls on me. Affairs are nasty business because the one least hurt is the one most at fault. Perhaps that is where I can offer some advice. Yes it is possible to love another man's child as your own. I will but it will take time. Yes it is possible for a marriage to work after what I believe to be the ultimate sin has been commited against you. I believe in our marriage. My concern is that beyond just the external struggles of being emasculated are you confident in your husbands ability to handle more than either of you can fathom? It's a hard road. I'm a year down it and it still is an effort.

just testing

sorry to see this happening again. will we never learn?

first let me chime in on the abortion issue and for the record i am pro choice. i do however have a problem with abortion used as a form of birth control.

that said i believe that in these cases it is only the quick fix if BOTH h & w are not committed to rebuilding the marriage.

if you abort the baby and DON"T GO NO CONTACT w/ om it will most likely still lead to the disolvement of your M.

if you abort the baby and GO NO CONTACT w/ om your marriage may have a fighting chance IF BOTH YOU AND YOUR H work on and do the things neccesary to rebuild it. (ex: following the principles of this site)

if you keep the baby and DON"T GO NO CONTACT w/ om then your marriage in my opinionfrom what you have said of your h's attitude is doomed.

if you keep the baby and GO NO CONTACT, RIGHT AWAY< AND I MEAN NOW, TO ****** W/ OM, your marriage still has a good chance of survival depending on whether YOU are willing to follow the priciples of this site.

so as you can see and know there are many roads to tarvel and YOU are the one who has to take the 1st step.

now let me give you a quick background on my situation. i don't want to give you any false hope tho. tis is only what happened and is working for us. there are many facts that played into my decision such as age, # of com, health, financial future, w's attitude, and even whether the oc was a boy or girl.

i am raising a now 5yog oc. i like your h felt that abortion was the only answer. my w was in the typical big time fog of the 3 of us being one happy family. she didn't understand that i litterly wanted om dead.

she was intent on keeping the baby and i saw no way out other then divorce.

her A was with a coworker and lasted approx 2- 3 months.

what kept us together was that she changed jobs and went no contact and stayed that way for almost 2 1/2 years giving us a chance to heal from the initial shock and hurt that comes w/ tis situation.

it also gave me a chamce to bond w/ the baby which i honestly thought was going to be impossible.

now i want to tell you that there were and still are some huge bumps in teh road. they aren't nearly as frequent but they are still there.

i am not very computer savy so i can't tell you ho wto find them but i am sure that somewhere in the archives of tis site you can find my story and/or old posts. it may give you some insight as to what your h is feeling. my w also posted for awhile under the name of "fullhouse", she probably felt very similar to yourself. theose are most likely somewhere in the archives also.

KM,

I'm going to try to get a few links to my story and possibly Pops story as well. They are 2 sides of the coin, with a little more than a few years of wear and tear on them <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Tigger4jdt and Sailorman's beginnings

A little more indepth

Pops first post

So, there are 3 links to my H's first post, my first thread, and Pops first post. Pops W is fullhouse, so you can see her replies as well. I honestly don't know if going back and reading all that will help, as far as helping you make decisions and stuff, but it will help you see how the recovery trend goes from two different angles/situations. Most of the time, you can do searches for usernames, but sometimes they don't work. I tried to look up fullhouse, and it didn't work, but sailorman59 worked just fine. As for mine and pops, well, we have over 250, and that's usually as far back as the search will take you, is the latest 250 posts.

If you read the different threads, you will see that pops and sailormam59 aren't the only BH's who posted "way back in the day", that there were others who no longer post. I believe that if you click on their name in the thread, it will bring up that user's profile, where you can then click on the "most recent posts" which will then bring up up to 250 post for that users last posts.

Again, I urge you to see if your H will at least read here or the threads that I've linked for you. It will show him that he's not alone, and it is survivable.

Pops posts made me cry. Thank you all for taking the time to help me and being so supportive. You are the only people who are there for me right now.

My husband reminded me this morning after seeing an HPT commercial on TV that I HAVE to have the abortion or he will be moving out and he WILL be telling everyone what a w#(*e I am. He stated that he will put it on his van windows if he has to. I became livid with him and stated that I would do it if that would save him from the embarassment but that I will HATE him forever if this is what he makes me do and I that I can see this marriage falling apart in the next year because he knows how strongly I feel about NOT having an abortion.

Regardless of what I say, he is unwilling to change his mind, he is unwilling to try to raise this child as his own
(he has went so far as to call it names), he is also threatening to fight for custody of my daughter. He is unwilling to tell the pastor that we are taking marriage counseling with about the true situation so the man could fix the REAL problem. He is unwilling to believe that his actions for 3 years are what led to me having the damn affair in the first place.

Basically, I have to do what he wants or the marriage is over and he is going to make me look terrible to everyone including my children and family (who are very religious and will side with him anyway.)

I did call planned parenthood today to schedule an appt and they only return calls there. She did not anticipate that i would get a return call until Monday since today is the day that they run "that clinic". I am only 4w3d so I could not even get in until Friday 3-16-07 so I must endure 2 more weeks of ****** at home I guess.

Mood right now..... I HATE my husband, I hate my life and I feel like a prisoner stuck in this stupid marriage. I don't care if the last few weeks were good, I don't care if the next few years are good....right now I just HATE him. He spent the last 2 1/2 years ignoring me, not paying any attention to me...I told him 500 thousand times what I needed and he still didn't care. I even went so far as to tell the stupid man that I was going to give up on the marriage before I ever had the affair. Now all he does is cry and say I'm sorry but you have to have an abortion because you are going to ruin my life and embarrass my family and our kids because of what you have done. He doesn't give a flying hoot how I feel...it is all about him. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Why not speak to the pastor yourself about the pregnancy and affair? You need spiritual guidance on this. Have you told anyone at the pregnancy center about this situation?

As for blaming your H for the A, sweetie that has to stop! Yes he contributed to the state of your marriage but until you stop blaming him for your choices there will be no healing in your M.

How is NC going? One day, one moment at a time ok?

My best friend suggested that I tell the pastor about the baby also, he already knows about the affair. No, I have not said a word to anyone at the center. They will look so negatively at me and I will not be able to volunteer there anymore if I do. Besides we are getting ready for a benefit tomorrow and now is not the time to tell them my problems. Of course I live in a small town and that is the only center I could go to anyway. UGH.

I didn't blame him for the affair until today. Today I blame him and I want him to know that I do. I want him to hurt like he has hurt me forever. I cannot possibly see where this marriage is going to go anywhere. I can't. I have hated being in it for so long and when I finally end the affair and try to be with my husband and things are going well, this pregnancy pops up. I seriously think that it's doomed. If I had a crystal ball I would say that I'll have the abortion and I will hate him for it, he's going to go back to being himself in a few weeks (because that is what he always does) and I will be right back where I started, hating my marriage and being alone again.

NC is not going at all today. But I hate him too today for getting me in this mess and going along with his merrily life. Who knows, maybe I am meant to get a divorce and just be with him. I'm not too sure of anything today.

Do you not think he IS hurting as much or MORE than you are? Look you have time to decide about the abortion. Do not make a hasty decision and please do not go speak to the PP people yet. Take this time to talk to your pastor. Pray..be on your knees in prayer for yourself, your marriage for your baby.