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"" But I hate him too today for getting me in this mess and ""

Sorry to say this sweety,but you got your self in this mess!!

Your husband may not win the husband of the year award.But then again nither will you.

You really need to start taking ownersihp over your own situation...

Please read this carefully!!!



What to Do When You (or Your Spouse) Becomes
Pregnant with a Lover's Child
Letter #2

Dear Dr. Harley,

This afternoon my wife, Robin, gave me the most shocking revelation of my life. And she said she did it on your advice. So I am writing you for help. How should I handle this?

She told me that she had been unfaithful to me for about 3 years, and my 2 year old daughter is not mine. It is the daughter of her lover. I am devastated.

Robin has been the love of my life throughout our 12 year marriage, but has been very withdrawn from me these past five years. I did not understand what was happening to our marriage, but now I know. She says she broke off the relationship with him shortly after she became pregnant, and she wants us to work things out with me. But I don't sense any real remorse on her part. After she told me these horrifying details, she just walked out of the room. I need some reassurance that she really loves me and wants to be married to me.

I also need some advice regarding what we should eventually tell our daughter, and whether I should ever let her father see her. What are the chances that we can work this out? Please help!

M.G.

Dear M.G.,

It will take a few weeks for all of this to settle in, and during that time, your emotions will take you on a roller-coaster. I recommend that you see your doctor as soon as possible and tell him about your crisis. He may be willing to prescribe an anti-depressant medication for you to help you cope with the shock of these revelations. You need to be as intelligent as possible, and this is no time to let your emotions make decisions for you.

There are two rules that guide marriages to safety and enjoyment. They are the Policy of Radical Honesty and the Policy of Joint Agreement. The Rule of Honesty is radical. It requires couples to be completely honest with each other, and your wife has taken the first step in applying that rule to her marriage with you -- she has chosen to be honest with you about the affair and the paternity of her daughter. It may be the first time since you have been married that she has made herself so vulnerable. Use this information wisely, and don't hurt her, even though she has hurt you deeply. You have a very good chance of making the best of what could be a tragic situation. You can create a marriage that will not only survive this, but thrive.

But honesty takes you only so far in marriage. While it helps get the facts out on the table, you must make wise decisions once the facts are known. That's why the Policy of Joint Agreement is as important as honesty. I feel that a decision agreed upon enthusiastically by you and your wife is more likely to be wise than any decision that one of you finds troublesome. So as you and Robin wrestle with these difficult problems, don't make any decision until you have considered enough alternatives to find one that meets with your enthusiastic agreement.

The first decision you will face is whether or not to continue being married at all. Your wife's affair is bad enough, but now you are faced with the prospect of raising someone else's child. It may sound strange for you to apply the Policy of Joint Agreement to the issue of whether or not to be married. You may think that it is for you and you alone to decide. But you are not divorced yet, and your wife has valuable wisdom to inject into your thinking. Her perspective may contain some of the most important information you will need to help you make an enthusiastic decision, so don't ignore it.

You are wondering if Robin really loves you and wants to be married to you? And you wonder why she doesn't seem to feel any remorse? Those questions would be answered as you discuss your future together in an effort to find enthusiastic agreement. Once you reach a joint agreement, you will understand her in a way that you never have in the past. That's the way enthusiastic agreement works. It's only possible when you understand each other.

There are many important issues to consider in deciding your future together. If your daughter were your only child, and if your wife were still in love with her ex-lover, who happened to be single and wanted to marry her, I would lean toward encouraging you to divorce. But since she is the mother of your two children, no longer loves her ex-lover, and wants to save her marriage, I would encourage you to remain married and raise all three children together.

There are many considerations that tug at a decision to marry or divorce, and as you discuss them with your wife you will probably find a clear answer that gains your mutual and enthusiastic agreement.

If you decide to remain married and create a mutually enjoyable future together, then the next decision you will need to make is how to treat Robin's former lover. Should he become a part of your family, with visitation rights as well as financial responsibility for raising his daughter? Or should he be out of your lives entirely?

As with the issue of divorce, this one should also be decided by enthusiastic agreement. But if you want my advice, I usually encourage a couple in your situation to keep the ex-lover away from your family. It may be difficult to engineer, but it is very important for Robin to try to avoid seeing or talking to him ever again. Granted, the affair may be over, but I am always concerned about the possibility of it becoming rekindled. If, for some reason, it is impossible to keep him away from his daughter, I suggest that you act as an intermediary, so that whenever he visits, he does not see or talk to Robin.

Another very difficult issue is whether or not to tell your daughter who her real father is. Again, I suggest that you reach an enthusiastic agreement before you make a decision. The Policy of Radical Honesty applies only to a husband and wife, and not necessarily to children. While I tend to value honesty in all situations, if you and Robin can enthusiastically agree to deceive your child about her real father, it's up to you.

But if you want my advice, I would encourage you to be honest with Robin's daughter very early in life, so that there are no surprises later. I think it's more important for her to know she can trust what you say, than that she thinks you are her real father. Eventually, she is likely to know the truth anyway, and if she was consistently told that she was your daughter, the truth might undermine her trust of you. Regardless of who her genetic father may be, you will be the father that cares for her most for the rest of her life, and she will know that about you as you raise her into adulthood.

Once you make these decisions, you have many more decisions to make, but they can all strengthen your relationship with Robin if they follow the Policy of Joint Agreement. While your situation is tragic, if you make wise decisions regarding your future, you will minimize the damage. And your new way to make decisions will greatly improve your lifestyle and marriage, improvement you have needed very badly.



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KM,

Speak with your pastor about this. Also, consider telling your family. Often times people try to run, try to hide, bad things, when in fact the most effective but short term painful is telling the truth.

I believe you are correct, that even if you abort this child, your H will not change. If he does change it will be because HE decides to, not because you did something to make him.

What you need is support and guidance. Your minister, your family, and yes even his family could provide that if they well. What you have to do first is find out if they can and will offer you support and guidance. The only way to do that is tell them what is happening. Ask their forgiveness, and for their insights. If they pull away and don't support you, even if they surely will not approve your choices, then you know that support is not to be found there.

You are assuming that although these people will surely not approve of what you have done, they also will not offer you guidance and help. It may be true, but you may be very very wrong. You need to find out. Start with your minister. He cannot address what he does not know.

Please think about this.

God Bless,

JL

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Okay...I have had my chance to vent and I am feeling levelheaded again.

Marcus- You are correct I did get myself into this mess. Plain and simple. I was the one who chose to marry my H knowing he has never been attentative and I should have dealt with it better than having an affair. As a christian woman I knew better than having sex outside of marriage and now I face the consequences of my actions. As lovely as they may be. UGH.
I also agree that I will not be getting any wife of the year awards.


JL,
Would you say something in front of him (my husband) at the next session? I hate to call him from my work, as they have no clue what is going on and I don't want to tip them off.

My family will not understand. My own mother has never been there for me. My mom was emotionally abusive to me and I struggle to have a relationship with her even now. She was mad when she found out that I was pregnant with my daughter and I was married. She is a very very very negative person and she is not someone who I could go to. My dad lives with her and would not be of any help either. My grandmother would just scold me for being a "bad girl" and besides she is in her 80's and doesn't need to be worrying about this nonsense. I do not have anyone in my family to go to.

His family is NOT an option as a support system. You see my husband does no wrong. He is the baby of the family and he is perfect in their eyes. Even when he was in his early 20's and into drugs and alcohol...he was perfect. My MIL is like that with all of her "blood".

You may be right though, I may be wrong.

Well, my H is calling me now.

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Im sorry i a came a cross as harsh

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Marcus,
You weren't harsh. You were being honest and gave me your honest opinion. I need that.... I really do. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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KM, I have no family that understands why I would stay with my H after all this. People that have not walked in your shoes cannot understand. People here can help you, your pastor can help you and you would be wise to find an accountability partner to keep you on the straight and narrow.


Faith

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another test


me-59 ww-55
married 1979 - together since 1974
6 kids together 15,19,21,23,29,30
my oldest son 37
d-day (confession day) memorial day 2001
oc born 12/20/01
now 8 grandchildren
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whatever you choose to do.Dont assume your husband
will or can suck it up,to deal with OC.

There lot of guys on this site who has successfully managed
an OC,and live happy life.Am saying this because it feels that a few posters here is trying to give that impression to you,

That once the OC is born after a while everything going to be happy and dandy..That is rarely the case.Only a small portion of men has it with in them selfs do manage it..

Its doable,but as a say, its more likley to end up in a divorce. One thing you can do! Ask your brother if you have one.Or a really good male friend what they would do,and react to your husbands situation..That can help ,in the way

that it gives you an insight how somebody close to you would react...

Im not a big fan of abortions ,so if you are going to do it. do it because you wont it ,not because you DH wants it.

Last edited by Marcus33; 03/03/07 06:50 AM.

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Quote
whatever you choose to do.Dont assume your husband
will or can suck it up,to deal with OC.

There lot of guys on this site who has successfully managed
an OC,and live happy life.Am saying this because it feels that a few posters here is trying to give that impression to you,

That once the OC is born after a while everything going to be happy and dandy..That is rarely the case.Only a small portion of men has it with in them selfs do manage it..

Its doable,but as a say, its more likley to end up in a divorce. One thing you can do! Ask your brother if you have one.Or a really good male friend what they would do,and react to your husbands situation..That can help ,in the way

that it gives you an insight how somebody close to you would react...

Im not a big fan of abortions ,so if you are going to do it. do it because you wont it ,not because you DH wants it.

I beg to differ, Marcus. In MY offers of help, I am trying to help her to make a decision that I think she is being FORCED into. I told her of the OTHER OPTION of adoption, and I DO know how hard that choice is, but it's MUCH easier to deal with than what I truly believe she WILL go through if she does get an abortion! For goodness sake, she works at a place that counsels AGAINST abortion, and she's considering getting one! Look at what its doing to her just contemplating it! Go back and read where she talks about the fact that there is a HEART BEAT at 6 weeks gestation. I TRULY don't feel that she will be able to live with it if that is her choice.

I also don't think that getting an abortion would really make her H happy. I think her H has some issues of his own that have NOTHING to do with the A. I can understand loving a child but to the point where the child is MORE important than your spouse, there's something wrong there. I have issues with it whether the spouse is the H or the W. In a M, and if you are Christians, as is KM, the order of priority should be God first, H/W second, Children third.

I would also like to see where we have said that it would be all find and dandy down the road? I did the searches to show here where my H and I were when we first posted. I did the search to show where Pops was when he first posted. It's VERY important to see what other's have gone through. As I said, I don't think that and abortion is going to help this M, and that if her H doesn't wish to raise this child, it's NO excuse to wipe it from the face of the earth. This woman has very clearly stated that she is a Christian, and that she herself cousels other women about abortion. I THINK she is having great difficulty with what her H is, in essence, forcing her to do. He has not set a boundary, he has set an ultimatum.

So, yes, I did take offence that you said, "There lot of guys on this site who has successfully managed
an OC,and live happy life.Am saying this because it feels that a few posters here is trying to give that impression to you,

That once the OC is born after a while everything going to be happy and dandy..That is rarely the case.Only a small portion of men has it with in them selfs do manage it.."
Go back and read what my H went through! It wasn't all fine and dandy! BUT, before I go any further, I will go back and read YOUR experience with this.

KM,

Please, for your own sake, TALK TO THE PASTOR! Just because you did this does NOT forever make you a bad person. What would forever make you a bad person because of this is if you never change your ways and continue down that path. There are other avenues to take, other than abortion. I just really don't think THAT is the right one for you. Or your H, once he gets past his anger. He will see what he has done to you and blame himself for forcing you to go through with it. If your H is SO against raising this child, seriously consider adoption! Before you go on the, "But what will other's like those at church think", well, no matter which decision you choose, they are still going to be there, if they are what a church family should be. They should be supportive to those who have turned their lives in the direction they should be going. If you have asked forgiveness of this sin, you have received it, and THAT is what matters. Now, as I said above, if you continue down the wrong path, THAT is when the church should react the way that you think they will. AND, if you are so worried about what other's think if you have this child, regardless of whether you keep it or place it up for adoption, how do you think they would react if they find out you had an abortion. AND think what that secret, if you go through with the abortion, will do to you, trying to keep it from everyone! Wondering if it's going to come out, you won't feel right counseling other young women in similar situations, what if your other children find out about it, what if you D anyway, and out of anger, your H tells everyone that not only did you have the A, but you had an ABORTION as well!

You are really stuck between a rock and hard place here. Yes, it seems that you are d*&^d if you do and d*&^d if you don't. I stick to my original advice, NC with OM, with H helping you write the letter. Counseling AND the pastor HAS to know the full story. Your H doesn't want you to say anything to the pastor BECAUSE he KNOWS the pastor would frown on your H's ultimatum, and advise against it. I think you should talk to the pastor by yourself. Tell him of the P, because he CAN'T help you guys if he doesn't know the WHOLE truth! Secrets and hiding things is what got you where you are today! Work with your pastor to figure out HOW to get past this point and save your M. If your H tries the, "Have the abortion or I will D you and get full custody of our D" it's mostly angry words. He may still D you, but it is very rare, the cases that the H retains full custody just because of an A. It has to be proven that you are an unfit mother, in the light of abuse and neglect, or safety of the child. So, I say that you need to talk to an unbiased person(pastor) about what you can do here. I forget, have you gotten any of the books recommended here? Is your pastor familuar with the concepts? POJA is such a HUGE one, and if it can be learned and implamented the correct way, you will never be unsure about the choices made together and how they will affect your M.

I pray that your H comes around, and you can decide what to do together. I truly feel, from your previous posts, that having the abortion won't be a fix, or band aid to your situation, but another bullet wound, which will drain the life blood from your M! I don't think that you, yourself, will be able to live with that choice. Now, you need to see how you can work together and with the pastor to fix what's broken. You have 8 months to do so, and then more choices need to be made. 8 months to work to try to save your M. Yes, the P WILL show eventually, but hopefully by then, you guys will have gotten to a point where your H is either accepting of the child, or you have decided on adoption(whether the OM wants to retain full custody, or you can choose a couple who are unable to have ANY children), and just take the cues from that point on.

No one can predict HOW things will end up, BUT, it has been done. You also need to consider that you aren't giving your H an ultimatum that he raise this baby or else. It needs to be decided together, with POJA(policy of joint agreement, read up on it), what you will do from this point on. If you truly feel you CANNOT have an abortion, discuss it with your H. Use the POJA to decide what you will do. Maybe even print out the different concepts to share with your pastor and he can help you two implement them.

I got on a roll here, and I hope it has helped. I don't have time to proof read, as I need to go get myself ready for the busy day ahead. I will check in through out the day, but know that I'm here for you if you need me. The ONLY things I HAVEN'T been through is an abortion or divorce, so I'VE BEEN THERE!

{{{{{{{{{{{{{{{KM}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}}


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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KM
I don't know how to box your quotes so I'll just try to address them. I know that you are in a lot of pain right now. You have some very serious decisions to make.
YOU had the affair and didn't take precautions. YOU are pregnant, do you have any venereal diseases??? Your husbands behaviors prior to your affair do NOT justify your affair. YOU have caused the most painful event that can occur to someone. We all used to think an affair was the most painful. Guess what, an affair producing a B****** is. Those of us betrayed do not think protectively of this OC you carry. It is like the red A patch from history which screams, I'm not good enough for my spouse, see how much they hate me? how little they think of me? how little they think of our children?
How can the BS possibly be kind or supportive at this point? They are going through H***! And it feels like it will never end. This OC cements the fact that it will be visually in their life forever!
So, when your husbands is not kind in his description of YOUR OC, you need to understand that for me with NC it has taken 18 months to be able to view this child as innocent. (I am not an evil person, I'm the one everyone else turns to for support and help. I'm the thoughtful, intelligent giver.) I prayed that the OW and her child would die in a car accident constantly for over a year. I still would like to receive that news, but I also know now that I would have tremendous guilt for wishing it on the OC (None for OW).
Your H does not want the humiliation he would feel if any one found out. There are only eight people in my life who know about this OC. (3 Dr's, 1 lawyer, 3 friends, and my brother).
You have to decide if you can live with yourself if you abort. If you can't then don't do it. You must decide if you are going to fight for your M and your existing children's family life. If you cannot abort, then can you avoid humiliating your husband with your pregnancy until you could adopt? If you gave birth, could you adopt???
Your pregnancy requires you to think about you. However, D-day and the time afterward is NOT about you. It is about the BS and their needs, How can they heal? What do they need to heal? The marriage cannot heal if they can't. The BS, unfortunately is required by the WS to tread on eggs to save their marriage in the beginning because of the wonderful fog that WS wander around in, feeling that they have to jusitfy their inappropriate behavior by blaming the BS in the first place. (Not always the case, but frequently from the postings here).
Best of Luck with your decisions, they will be difficult and you will second guess them many times. Maintain NO CONTACT whatsoever with OM (he will just confuse you) and do what you must for you, the OC, your COM and your Marriage.

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Sorry I haven't posted. It was a long weekend for us, not necessarly a good one either.
Tigger,
Thank you for your post. I truly think that you are able to see and understand my situation having been there before. Planned parenthood called me back yesterday and I went ahead and scheduled the appt. I have until March 16 to make a decision on what to do. I don't think that this is going to fix anything, if anything it will just be the icing on the cake to crumble what is left apart. I'm not there anymore (emotionally). I am not wearing my ring and emotionally I'm not in the marriage anymore. As I have stated many times, I have to take responsibility for my actions and I'm willing to do that. However, there are reasons why I got into the situation that I did. It wasn't because I didn't try to work my marriage out, I did. I had exhausted all of my options. As far as the pregnancy it was obviously not something that I intended to happen. (I know, I know...I didn't do enought to prevent it though, huh) I almost emailed the pastor yesterday but then I chickened out. I am so afraid that everyone is going to turn against me for what I have done.
How did you deal with your inlaws, children and anyone else who knew the truth about the baby? I know that my MIL will flip out on me. She is the one who watches my daughter so this will be worse than ****** for me if she found out. In her eyes, her son is perfect so she will understand and she will hold this grudge against me for the rest of my natural life.
FTS,
I'm sorry for your situation. It really sounds like you are hurting a lot still.
No, we do not have any std's. I have only been with my husband in 5 years and was tested prior to getting married and trying to get pregnant "just in case". The guy that I had the affair with has only been with 2 people since me. (We lived together 10 years ago for almost 3 years). One was the girl he married after we broke up and the other was a girl that he dated for two years after he got divorced. (She had been married for a number of years). The risk was low but testing was a requirement for our relationship. So we were responsible about that one.
As far as my husband being hurt and humiliated. I appreciate that he probably is. Remember, he didn't want a marriage with me any longer..that is why I had the affair. Now that he is seeing I was serious about moving on and no longer begging for him to love me, now he is wanting to salvage the marriage. I don't think it has anything to do with loving me all of the sudden, maybe I am wrong but I think it has more to do with not losing some kind of game.

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"" maybe I am wrong but I think it has more to do with not losing some kind of game."" Well my friend if that is what you honestly belive, Whats left? if it is what you firmly belive

then its probably for the best to walk..

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Sorry I haven't posted. It was a long weekend for us, not necessarly a good one either.
Tigger,
Thank you for your post. I truly think that you are able to see and understand my situation having been there before. Planned parenthood called me back yesterday and I went ahead and scheduled the appt. I have until March 16 to make a decision on what to do. I don't think that this is going to fix anything, if anything it will just be the icing on the cake to crumble what is left apart. I'm not there anymore (emotionally).

What do you mean about the above? Are you or aren't you? I still don't think that regardless of how things end up, that going through with the abortion is what you need to do. UNLESS you have changed your stance.

I am not wearing my ring and emotionally I'm not in the marriage anymore. As I have stated many times, I have to take responsibility for my actions and I'm willing to do that. However, there are reasons why I got into the situation that I did. It wasn't because I didn't try to work my marriage out, I did. I had exhausted all of my options. As far as the pregnancy it was obviously not something that I intended to happen. (I know, I know...I didn't do enought to prevent it though, huh) I almost emailed the pastor yesterday but then I chickened out. I am so afraid that everyone is going to turn against me for what I have done.

Personally, I'm getting tired of your mantra of "what is everyone going to think of me?" Just to warn you, I'm going to be a bit tough on you. YOU did this! YOU didn't stop to think BEFORE, but you are now, seemingly MORE worried of what other's will think of you and less concerned of how to fix what you have done! YOU have to fix this, NOT your H! YOU, not your H, did this to your M! I don't care what was going on prior to your PA, YOU STILL CHOSE THE ACTIONS! WAKE UP, stop the poor me cycle! OWN YOUR ACTIONS AND SUBSIQUENT CONSEQUENCES!

How did you deal with your inlaws, children and anyone else who knew the truth about the baby? I know that my MIL will flip out on me. She is the one who watches my daughter so this will be worse than ****** for me if she found out. In her eyes, her son is perfect so she will understand and she will hold this grudge against me for the rest of my natural life.

Please see what I said above. Stop being so worried about what others think and worry about HOW you are going to fix this. I know you've been in counseling, but have been given little info on anything else you have been recommended to do here. I didn't deal directly with my MIL UNTIL she called shortly before Abbi was born and I told her that WE(my H and I) have chosen to raise this child as our own, and that I EXPECT she receive the same treatment as the other grandchildren. So far, it's been happening. BUT, unless you work things out with your H, EVERYONE IS GOING TO KNOW ANYWAY! Stop worrying about everything and everyone else, and concentrate on your H and your M!

FTS,
I'm sorry for your situation. It really sounds like you are hurting a lot still.
No, we do not have any std's. I have only been with my husband in 5 years and was tested prior to getting married and trying to get pregnant "just in case". The guy that I had the affair with has only been with 2 people since me. (We lived together 10 years ago for almost 3 years). One was the girl he married after we broke up and the other was a girl that he dated for two years after he got divorced. (She had been married for a number of years). The risk was low but testing was a requirement for our relationship. So we were responsible about that one.
As far as my husband being hurt and humiliated. I appreciate that he probably is. Remember, he didn't want a marriage with me any longer..that is why I had the affair. Now that he is seeing I was serious about moving on and no longer begging for him to love me, now he is wanting to salvage the marriage. I don't think it has anything to do with loving me all of the sudden, maybe I am wrong but I think it has more to do with not losing some kind of game.


So, does the above mean that your H now wishes to work on your M? Where does he stand in regards to the baby now? I ask this because if he is willing to at least let you continue the P, WHAT ARE YOUR PLANS AFTER THAT? Where do things stand right now? Think about this, you are SO new to the boards, and trying to figure if you can salvage your M or not. You haven't even said anything about the NC letter, what you have learned in regards to POJA or Plans A/B. WHAT ARE YOU DOING TO TRY TO SAVE YOUR M???? You are fence sitting and if there's one thing I can't stand, it's a fence sitter. You are trying to decide which side is better for YOU, and be d^*#d who you hurt in the process. If you truly don't want to remain with your H, then stop making excuses, and give him the D, otherwise, stop looking in the mirror of pitty and start repairing your M!

I am being harsh because you have YET to make a decision of whether you even want to stay M'd! One day you do, and the next, you've already given up! THAT is NOT the heart of someone who wishes to stay M'd, just to save her own face. Let me put it this way, no matter what your choice is, you WILL have to live with what you've done FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. And, you can pretty much know that other's will find out! Make up your mind, do you really wish to remain M'd to your H or not? Let me know so if you choose yes, I can help you as much as possible. If it's no, then good luck in life.


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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KM,

Your situation is heartbreaking and I feel so much for what you are going through. PLEASE listen to Tigger!!! She is very wise. You are in an extremely emotional state and that is not a good state to make permanent life decisions from. Tigger's is a "calmer head" right now. Lean on her, please.

You mention taking responsibility for your actions. Might I suggest that the responsibility of pregnancy is not abortion. The responsibility of pregnancy is parenthood. Abortion is paying money to get rid of the responsibility of parenthood. Sorry if that sounds harsh but I really believe that.

I too have worked in a crisis pregnancy center and I have seen the devastation that abortion can reak on people and relationships. I think we have at least a strong consensus here that abortion will not solve your problem. Please don't let any man (and I am one) pressure you into this. Abortion is not a choice it is a decision. A choice you can change your mind on after the fact. A decision is final and can never be retrieved.

My first child was an unintended pregnancy while unmarried. Everyone in my then girlfriend's circle of influence was pressuring her to have an abortion but I convinced her to have the baby and get married. We are now married 8 years with three beautiful children. Ours isn't a perfect marriage but everyone involved including those who pushed for an abortion are so glad for the three little ones now in their lives that would never have been if my now wife had aborted our first child.

Your situation is obviously much tougher than mine. Most women in crisis pregnancies don't want an abortion. They feel totally alone and just want someone to support them. To that end I really don't think you are giving your pastor or your pregnancy center co-workers enough respect as compassionate, caring people. They have chosen to do what they do because they are not judgemental and they are compassionate and caring. Please overcome your hesitations and fear and reach out to them. I think you will be very pleasantly surprised.

Have you heard of "The Nurturing Network"? It is a nationwide network of good people ready to help you with counseling, pre-natal and post-natal support, job/career counseling and placement. They will even go so far as to help you move and find a new job for you if it comes to that. Whatever you need to help you feel supported in a practical way, they are there for that purpose.

Please keep posting here. Listen to Tigger. Please consider having this baby. He or she may turn out to be the best thing to come out of this situation. Give your baby and yourself a chance. I will be in church this very day praying for you. Believe me there are people here and in your circle who really do care and want to help.

My thoughts and prayers are with you.

rj

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[color:"green"] It's hard to be in a marriage where you are being yelled at all the time. No, abortion is not what I want. It is what my husband wants and it is what I have to do to stay in my marriage. Isn't that what everyone wants me to do...stay in the marriage and do what he wants. I get conflicting advice on here....stay in the marriage, don't let him push me around. What in the world I am supposed to do?
No, I was not worried about what people were going to think about me when I was with the OM. My marriage was over. My husband didn't want a wife.

I have never said that my actions weren't my fault. I have said MANY times that I take responsibilty for my actions, they were mine and I have to. Again, to FIX the marriage I HAVE to have an abortion. Plain and simple. No if's ands or buts.... He is NOT going to change his mind. So what in the ****** I am supposed to do. Have the freaking thing to save the marriage or not? I'm so freaking confused and mad after coming here. Remember, you all got yourselves in the same "mess" I am in and if you didn't get yourself in the same mess you are living it on the other side. I came here for advice, not to be treated like crap. I can get that at home, thank you.
As far as the NC letter and everything else on here. He is NOT willing to do that at this point. It's hard to do it without him. It is in my best interest to shut my mouth at home and go with the flow of the moment.
As far as trying to decide what situation is better. It is between having my child or not to keep my marriage. Of course it also involves embarrassing my family. Not everyone understands that we are called to witness NOT to judge. It has nothing to do with anyone else. It is a hard decision to make.[/color]

Last edited by kaelinmom; 03/06/07 09:12 PM.
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Bad day, huh kaelinmom? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" />

Frustrated, angry, confused, life in turmoil,,yep. We've all been there. Not a fun place to be. Read your thread over again, from start to finish and I think you'll see alot more support, good suggestions and constructive advice than you realize. Yes, there's a couple of negative comments but those are usually from people that speak of what "they WOULD do IF they were faced with the same problems." And we all know the REALITY of the situation, when it's YOURS is a whole lot different than it was when you only IMAGINED how you'd feel.

Kaelinmom, no one is telling you that you HAVE to or even that you SHOULD save the marriage. That is a choice only you can make. It sounds as though there were some fairly serious problems prior to the affair. Not all marriages can be nor should be saved. That is your & your H's decision. All we are saying is don't make rash decisions while you are so confused without giving it some SERIOUS thought. And IF you DO WANT to save your marriage, it MAY be possible to do so using MB proven methods.If you want to try that, we are here to help.

That also includes the decision to have an abortion. DON'T do it to "save" your marriage, to "keep" your H, if it is not what YOU PERSONALLY want to do. It's a life. Can you live with YOURSELF if you choose to do that? It doesn't sound like it from your previous posts. We don't have the answer for you. You'll have to find that answer within yourself.

And the OM? Leave him out of this right now. You need to concentrate on YOU! What you want, your future for you, your children and your marriage.

Kaelinmom, stick around. Work through this making the wisest choices possible. Don't allow a few comments to run you away. This is your place for help and advice also. If a poster attacks you, notify the moderator. That shouldn't happen. This is your safe place too.

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"No, abortion is not what I want. It is what my husband wants and it is what I have to do to stay in my marriage."

I've been keeping up with your story, but haven't posted, because I haven't been in your situation, and it would be crazy to think I know what you are going through.

However, I HAVE had an abortion that my husband insisted on. The baby was his. I never believed in abortion and it was EXTREMELY hard. It was an abusive marriage, and I had two other children to consider.

My husband was out of work, and I had a job offer as a pipefitter. I didn't feel like I could show up at work pregnant. Husband wanted me to get the abortion, so I did.

This happened 21 years ago, and I have never forgiven myself for that choice. At the time, I felt like there was no other choice, and like I was ending one life to make a better life for my other children.

But it was a huge mistake for me. The marriage didn't last another year. I was very resentful toward my husband, and ended up divorcing him anyway. I am still working at the job I took, and it turned out that things COULD have worked out.

This is a hard decision, but I hope that you will not do something against your beliefs to try to save your marriage.

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KM,

The only reason it seems that everyone wants you to save your M is that when you first came here, that's what YOU wanted to do. As I said in my other post, you are flipping back and forth, showing "symptoms" of a "fence sitter". Basically either afraid to make a choice or waiting to see which side is better. Let me tell you, at this point, neither one is better. What concepts have you read here? Have you read about the Policy of Joint Agreement, Radical Honesty, LB(both love banks and love busters), Plan A/B? From all the info you've given us, you are NOT working with your H in POJA about the abortion. This is the one time I "believe" in the right to choose. In a situation like this, your H is only thinking of himself, not what it will do to you, not what happens to the child. Read, and re-read Believer's post to you. I truly feel that is how you will end up! Getting an abortion won't "fix" anything, if anything it will creat even MORE of a wound than is already there. It is just trying to cover up what is wrong in the first place.

I am sorry if you feel I was attacking, but I felt that you were beginning to have that pitty party that just keeps you in your depression! I see where you say you know that you did this, but then you go in the next sentence and say that you did this because your H was neglecting you. THAT is where I see you NOT owning your actions in all this. You are placing your bad actions at the feet of your H. In almost every paragraph you talk about how other's will see you, you also talk about how it's your H's way or the highway. I see here, that your H wishes to control you. THAT is NOT the way to be in a M either.

I think, and other's who know a little better than myself...feel free to correct me, that your H is displaying passive agressive behavior, and is being emotionally abusive towards you. He needs to stop that if he wishes to remain M'd to you. He is being demanding, unbending, and to me that is abusive. He refuses to listen to you for anything. This isn't just a child he wishes you to abort, but IMHO, your mental state as well! Everything YOU are about is AGAINST abortion, yet he is forcing you to do it. He refuses to talk about any other option so you think that's all you can do. It's YOUR body, and YOU have the right to say NO to the abortion. I personally feel, the more you open up here, that you will end up as Believer did, getting the abortion, and the M ends anyway, leaving you where?

I think you need to see what your options are, other than abortion. I know, if you don't have it, H will D you. Well, what are the state laws regarding all that? I know that in my state, there is a 1 year, yes 1 YEAR period between filing and finalizing a D! There are many rules regarding P before D is filed, check it out. You also NEED to read the concepts here. Work them to work with your situation. Your H's pain is still so raw, and from your other info of the relationship prior to this, you were treated in this way for at least the last 3 years, where your H has placed your D as more important than you or the M. THAT is where the healing needs to begin. What has the pastor said about how to deal with that issue? I STILL think you NEED to talk to the pastor about this P as well! BECAUSE, regardless of whether you get the abortion or not, if you don't deal with that, it will be a sore that festers and infects the rest of your life! You HAVE to deal with it, PERIOD! I just feel that you are laying down and becoming a doormat because you feel it's the only way to gain your H's trust back, but you will never get respect that way! Respect is a vital ingredient in any M! It's missing, IMHO, on BOTH sides of YOUR M.

I am not trying to "attack" you, I'm trying to get you to open your eyes to your situation and how it looks to others on the outside looking in. Regardless as to your final decision, DON'T go away because of me. I tend to be more "agressive" when I see someone laying down and taking it because they feel it is the only way. We were not created to be doormats, but help mates! That means equal in a M! Your H is treating you like a doormat, and you need to recognize that and either fix it, or get out of the M. Your pastor CAN'T help you if he doesn't know the whole story. I am trying to help, not hurt you. Please see it that way, and keep posting.


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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Tig,

I hope you didn't get the impression I was referring to YOUR posts as "attacks." I certainly wasn't!!

I am so glad to see you are helping kaelinmom by giving her suggestions and advice from all angles and alternatives.

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Nearly,

Don't worry, I didn't feel that way, but it did make me think that SHE might have felt that way. I was quite harsh in my help prior to your post. I just want her to see that she needs to just make a choice, and one that she can live with. I truly feel that if she chooses to abort, that it will destroy her life.

Thank you for your concern, but I've developed quite a thick skin of late, and if I don't appreciate someone's comments to me, well, if it continues to bug me, I "ignore" them.


Tigger
me~BS & WS~38~~h~BS & WS~37 my d-days~7/92, 1/96, 7/00, 9/07
h's d-days~7/11/00 & 2 weeks later 3 COM, 1 OC(mine)
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