Welcome to the
Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum

This is a community where people come in search of marriage related support, answers, or encouragement. Also, information about the Marriage Builders principles can be found in the books available for sale in the Marriage Builders® Bookstore.
If you would like to join our discussion forum, please read the Announcement Forum for instructions, rules, & guidelines.
The members of this community are peers and not professionals. Professional coaching is available by clicking on the link titled Coaching Center at the top of this page.
We trust that you will find the Marriage Builders® Discussion Forum to be a helpful resource for you. We look forward to your participation.
Once you have reviewed all the FAQ, tech support and announcement information, if you still have problems that are not addressed, please e-mail the administrators at mbrestored@gmail.com
Previous Thread
Next Thread
Print Thread
Page 89 of 131 1 2 87 88 89 90 91 130 131
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871
Sis, you are doing great! Just keep swimming...


Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 3,834
LilSis:

Sorry about the VIBE!

Hopefully, It will be a great week....

LG

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,155
L
LilSis Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,155
Yeah, my poor little Vibe. I'm going by the collision place this afternoon so I can get the ball rolling to get it fixed up. I don't much like driving around with a big crunch in my car.

It will be another busy week work-wise...a good thing! And fun...I enjoy my job and I'm good at it.

And Friday afternoon, six of us (LK, T, et al) are going out for a Mother's Day spa...peds, facials, massages. Then out for dinner...how fun is that!

WH has the boys this weekend, so I won't have them for Mother's Day (until 6). I suppose I could go through LK to get them for the afternoon at least, but I don't want to ask WH for any favors. I'm playing it by the book. I'll spend the day with my mom.

Not like WH ever made a big deal out of Mother's Day. A few times I got cards, but NEVER a present, flowers, anything. Never once.

The ILs should be back very soon, if they are not back already. The postcard that the boys recieved was dated Weds.; they had just left. I imagine they will pretty much make a bee-line for home. So I guess the boys can be with their grandma on Mother's Day.

Anyway...looking forward to a productive week. Hope my attitude continues to be positive. Working outside, accomplishing those things that WH used to do (including removing windows so that I could wash them, arranging for the car to be fixed, pruning, preparing the veggie garden...) All that makes me feel confident, powerful and strong! I know I can function and be successful regardless of WH. I may be sad at times, and miss H...but I (here it comes again) know that I am a survivor.

Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: May 2006
Posts: 5,871
Sis, my husband said something about how hard it was for him to see the gardens in bloom and the lawn mowed and the life going on at HOME. He missed his HOME, not just his house, but his home.

Apparently, DS was laying it on pretty thick, too, saying such things as "I miss you daddy" and something about coming home so we can be a family again. I didn't teach him that--he just knows what he wants, DS of mine.

Hang in there!


Me-BS-38
Married 1997; son, 8yo
Divorced April 2009
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 6,986
As the theme song from "Reba" goes:

"A single mom who works 2 jobs
Who loves her kids and never stops

With gentle hands and the heart of a fighter.
I'm a survivor

I don't believe in self pity
it only brings you down

May be the queen of broken hearts
but I don't hide behind the crown

When the deck is stacked against me
I just play a different game

My roots are planted in the past
and though my life is changing fast

Who I am is who I wanna be
I'm a survivor."

You go Lil Sis!!!

Last edited by princessmeggy; 05/07/07 10:11 AM.
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703
you NEVER got a present from your H on mothers day??

the more i read about your H the more i think maybe he was a bigger jerk before he became WH than you gave him credit for.
if you do take him back, please don't accept the poor behavior he has demonstrated in the past.
maybe in some weird way that is something he will learn from RT.....how to treat you properly.


Please treat yourself this mothers day week-end.

Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,173
W
Member
Offline
Member
W
Joined: Sep 2003
Posts: 1,173
Quote
you NEVER got a present from your H on mothers day??

the more I read about your H the more i think maybe he was a bigger jerk before he became WH than you gave him credit for.


I share this suspicion as well. I am NOT saying that a lack of gifts is a sure sign that he was a jerk. But, it does tend to show a pattern of selfish behavior. Selfish behavior leads to entitlement issues. "I have every right to take up with OW because I work hard and I deserve this!"


Married 18 years
D Day June 25, 2003
Divorced December 17, 2003

Newly married to a wonderful man!
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
now , now ladies

Plan B is supposed to help Sis preserve her love

we are here to support reunification if that becomes possible

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,155
L
LilSis Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,155
nia, I think you are right. He had/has MANY jerky qualities, that I would no longer stand for. At the time I blew it off as "just not a gift-giver" but that is a load of cr*p. He was just too lazy, or it wasn't important to him, we were saving money for something big, or whatever. I always did something with the kids for his birthday and for Father's Day.

That is exactly how his dad treats his mom; like she should consider herself lucky that she has him, and not expect to be treated with PARTICULAR kindness or generosity. Never made to feel special, unique, loved.

What is interesting is that (unlike FIL) WH would give the shirt off his back to ANYONE...except me. He would go out of his way to help someone else, to do a good deed, to be generous, to be thoughtful. I think this genuinely made him feel good (admiration, anyone?) but I guess admiration from me wasn't enough. Because when he did do something for me (like flowers), I gushed all over the place.

I do not want that ever again, and I will not settle for crumbs...not now, not ever again. I deserve to be honored by my husband, if not every day then at LEAST on a few special days...birthday, anniversary, Mother's Day.

I remember RT telling me a couple of years ago that her (then)H had gotten her a big basket from Bath and Body Works from the kids for Mother's Day. I got nuthin'.

Anyway...I know that I deserve so much more than I am getting now, and more than I got when we were together.

Someday I'll get that. I know I will. I just don't know if it will be from WH or someone else. It just makes me sad to think that it has taken me half of my life to realize that I don't deserve crumbs.

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,155
L
LilSis Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,155
Preserve, yes, pep...but I think it is helpful for me to recognize that there are things that I wasn't getting either.

Doesn't mean I didn't still love him even though he didn't give me gifts. Honestly, I thought that he loved me enough...I didn't need gifts to reassure me...?? If that makes sense. But I see it slightly differently now...

Understand?

Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
L
Member
Offline
Member
L
Joined: Jul 2001
Posts: 5,247
well ironically it is RT who is getting the crumbs now....I doubt WH has suddenly gotten better at recognizing events or holidays.
If RT's expectation is grand gestures, then you can just KNOW that is causing conflict between the two. Either he's doing it and unhappy. Or he's not, and she's unhappy.
More crap in affairland! hehehee

Us women seem to get this idea in our head that if our men don't do it on their own it doesn't "mean" anything. And we end up disappointed.
Give your boys some cash and take them to the mall. Sit outside the store while they shop for you. It won't mean any less....and they will love doing it for you. I take mine to the garden store and tell them what kind of flowers I like....

Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Jan 2006
Posts: 3,093
Sis,

My H (I no longer refer to him as FWH) used to not be a gift-giver. That changed back about 20 years ago. His brother had been killed in a car accident two or three years prior to this incident happening:

I get the Visa bill and see that there is a charge on the bill for $52.00 (I still remember the amount!!!) for flowers. I ask H about the flowers, because - he NEVER EVER EVER EVER EVER sent me flowers in our 12-14 years of marriage at that point. What gives? I ask.

He said he had sent them to our SIL (the widow of his deceased Bro.). Why? I ask - he says, "She was having a bad day."

Ouch. I know this was really bad of me, but I let him know that *I* had many bad days, and not once did I EVER get flowers. Not for birthdays, anniversaries, NADA. His response????? "They die."

Needless to say, we had little to say to each other for a day or so. Then, FLOWERS SHOW UP ON MY DESK AT WORK.

I called him, and left this message on his answering machine at work:

"The flowers are beautiful. But I cannot be bought."

(I was terrible. I was just so angry, because I had asked SOOOOO many times for flowers. He refused to send them. But for her, anything! I just could not stand it. For any birthday or anniversary, he would ask what I wanted, I would say "flowers", he would say, "No, they die." Seriously.)

Anyway.

We had a long talk that night. About the flowers, and why I was so angry. He said he just couldn't understand why I wanted something that just died.

So I told him - I just didn't understand why when he went fishing, he threw the fish back (he practices catch and release).

He got it. Since then, I get flowers. Lots of times, for no reason at all.............just because. Got some about two weeks ago in fact. Just because.

They can change their spots. Hang in there.

SB

Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703
N
Member
Offline
Member
N
Joined: Dec 2005
Posts: 3,703
Quote
now , now ladies

Plan B is supposed to help Sis preserve her love

we are here to support reunification if that becomes possible

I apologize, LS.
he just makes me so mad. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/mad.gif" alt="" />
don't know why i let your H get under my skin so much. must remind me of someone. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/pfft.gif" alt="" />

Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,774
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Jun 2005
Posts: 2,774
i never got b'day gifts, mother's day gifts, xmas gifts, not even from the kids (where he would take them to get me something). never.

now all of a sudden that he lives with ow, this past year i got an xmas gift and my dd says he took them out to get me a bday gift. hmmm....

trying to look good to the ow i suspect. "see what a good guy i am. i take my kids to get gifts for their mom" i should probably email her and thank her that he is so concerned about impressing her. it is the first time in ten years i have gotten any gifts from my kids!

mlhb


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,155
L
LilSis Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,155
I don't even have to do that, Lex! Luckily the boys are still young enough that their teachers take care of Mother's Day! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

DS11 has a poetry book that he made in class (he told me but wouldn't let me see it), and I know DS8 will do something in his class, too. Which of course I will love and make a huge fuss over.

They get most excited about gifts they have made. I love that.

So whether it's the boys or WH, it's not about the grand gesture, it's about the sincerity, the feeling, the thought. It kind of got to a point (unbeknownst to me, it was mid-A) where WH would make a joke out of the fact that he didn't get me anything; that I didn't expect it. That's what hurt. Feeling taken for granted and unappreciated; like I was a joke.

Ugh. These are unhappy memories. I am right, aren't I, to expect more?

My new playlist includes "Settlin'" by Sugarland..."I've had enough so-so for the rest of my life, tired of shooting too low, so raise the bar high...I ain't settlin' for anything less than everything." Kinda twangy, but sort of my new Plan B anthem...reminding me that I deserve more and will not settle for less. No false recoveries, no being taken for granted, no wishy-washy-half-there-but-not-really husband. It's all or nothing now.

Even if I still struggle from day to day with sadness and longing, I AM going to live my life and be happy...if WH wants to join me, he has to totally and completely and unquestionably lose the W.

That's not something that I can do for him or even help him with. He has to WANT that for himself, want it more than the pain of withdrawal, the pain of having to face himself and his family and my family and friends, knowing that what he did was wrong.

So in the meantime, I guess it is good for me to have some perspective on the ways in which our marriage was NOT perfect...for me, either. Some things that *I* need to keep ME safe from falling into the same trap.

If we ever do get a chance for recovery, I won't hold the axe over his head, but I will have expectations, I will have standards that perhaps I didn't have before...one of which is a need for a certain level of...respect, maybe?...that I didn't feel before...which I didn't demand before.

Sorry...rambling. Do I sound like I am on the right path, or do I sound harsh or self-righteous?

Sometimes I get so confused. Help?

Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,155
L
LilSis Offline OP
Member
OP Offline
Member
L
Joined: Dec 2006
Posts: 2,155
Just gotta say....I'm feeling better somehow, just having processed that...coming to terms with it myself by writing it out...

(sb: "for her, anything!" is how I have felt about middle-aged waitresses or little old ladies that WH would help out or be super sweet to, so I know...grrrrr)

Again, it's not about the gifts, it's about feeling like I MATTER. A LOT.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

(is that seeking external validation?)

Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 154
R
Member
Offline
Member
R
Joined: Nov 2005
Posts: 154
I think you sound very strong. You sound like a woman who knows her worth and what she deserves. IMO, there is nothing wrong with wanting to be treated with the respect you deserve. You are figuring out what your needs are and that is key to understanding yourself. I just have to say, you have come a long way Lil Sis, you should be proud of yourself!

Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 362
S
Member
Offline
Member
S
Joined: Dec 2001
Posts: 362
I never use to give Father's Day presents to my H - does that make me a bad wife? Actually here is the reason for that, and things are different now.

Sometimes I feel like a broken record talking about this, but it is the thing for me that helped make sense of our whole relationship dynamic, so here is a copy for everyone of something I posted a while back. Hope it helps:

Have you ever read anything about the 5 love languages? It isn't anything that new, and ties in nicely with Harley's EN ideas. But I often recommend it because it was the information that led to my "aha" moment about the A and my H's feelings and attitudes about it. It was what I needed to tie all the loose ends together for me and allow me to finally make sense of it all.

Basically, the idea is we all have different ways of showing love and feeling cared for. The 5 love languages are Quality Time, Admiration, Touch, Acts of Service, and Gifts.

A quick example of how this works: my #1 love language is Time, #4 is Gifts. Let's say H sends me flowers for my birthday. Not a high scorer. Why? Because it means he picked up the phone, called a florist, told them how much he wanted to spend & what he wanted on the card, and charged them. How much time did that take? The florist does all the work and he doesn't have to do anything. I'm the one who pays all the bills, so he doesn't even have to handle that! Now lets say instead he makes plans to spend the evening with me. Even if it's at home & I cook the meal, if he spends time with me in the kitchen while I am cooking and gives me his undivided attention for the evening, I am thrilled. The effort isn't any greater on his part, but the results for me are like night and day. It isn't about effort for me, it's about time.

On the other hand, Gifts is #2 on H's love language list. So if he sends me flowers it is a thoughtful and meaningful gesture to him. If I don't appreciate them, he is hurt. We understand that now and have learned to tune into each other's language. His birthday present to me now is usually something like planning a dinner and movie out. He knows it doesn't have to be anything elaborate - little effort needed - as long as we spend time together.

And for his birthday my present to him isn't about planning something together as much as making an effort to find a meaningful gift. I use to blow off the gifts and plan something. Then I was hurt if H was disappointed.

Don't try to guess each others Love Language (or your own). We were both surprized at the order ours were in. There are tests online you can do.

(And BTW - I used to give "because they die" as the reason for not wanting flowers until I figured this out. Not wanting or appreciating flowers was putting it mildly - it actually caused deep resentment because of the reasons above. Most women love flowers, right? My H was confused. You know what they say about assumptions...)

Oh, and one more thing - "Acts of Service" is at the bottom of the list for both H & I, so you don't find us doing things for each other very often. It has little meaning for us, and that's the way we like it. It's nice to understand all of that now.


I put a dollar in a change machine, but nothing changed. - George Carlin
----------------------
Married 35 yrs, together 37
Way past the A
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 2,150
M
Member
Offline
Member
M
Joined: Nov 2004
Posts: 2,150
Excellent point, SHOL.

My husband's top Love Language is "Acts of Service", after I went back to school and continued to work, I didn't have time for doing the kinds of acts of service that make him feel cherished. I ASSUMED he understood it was temporary while I was so busy. On the emotional level though, he didn't understand, all he knew was that suddenly he felt terribly unloved and disregarded by me, at a time when he was also feeling particularly vulnerable, depressed, and apathetic.


[color:"#39395A"]***Well, it's sort of hard to still wonder if you were consolation prize in the midst of being cherished.***
- Noodle[/color]

Devastation Day: Aug 26, 2004
[color:"#2964d8"]"I think we have come out on the other side... meaning that we love each other more than we ever did when we loved each other most." [/color]
[color:"#7b9af7"]
~Archibald MacLeish[/color]

Very Happily Married
Me FBS - 44
Him FWS - 51
I married him all over again, May 07
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
P
Member
Offline
Member
P
Joined: Oct 2000
Posts: 35,996
both the above previous posts are excellent examples of what happends when couples recover correctly

Page 89 of 131 1 2 87 88 89 90 91 130 131

Moderated by  Fordude 

Link Copied to Clipboard
Forum Search
Who's Online Now
0 members (), 48 guests, and 51 robots.
Key: Admin, Global Mod, Mod
Newest Members
cbm800, Dodo M, Kingpin, MikaylaVaux, I.P.
71,728 Registered Users
Forum Statistics
Forums67
Topics133,546
Posts2,322,790
Members71,729
Most Online3,185
Jan 27th, 2020
Building Marriages That Last A Lifetime
Copyright © 1995-2020, Marriage Builders®. All Rights Reserved.  |  Web Development by SunStar Media.
Site Navigation
Powered by UBB.threads™ PHP Forum Software 7.7.5