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#1835936 03/02/07 07:31 PM
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my ex and I are going to make 0ur first court appearance on Wednesday finally and he wants to file for full custody. He has also been bugging ot get in the house and driving me insane in the process. In the meantime my lawyer isnt sure where he is coming from-it probably coems down to dollars. He doesn't want to pay the hefty child support.
Anyway, I am jsut feeling really depressed because he is oging to put up a fight and be a you know what about it in court. He is lying completely and really playing games now and it is emotionally exhausting.
But we are okay...
I just dont know how to deal with this new information, considering he hit the kids. What is he thinking?
The stuff got let go, even though FACS has an open file on him. what does that mean?
I cannot imagine a day without my kids..I miss them when they go there for the night. And I get it-he probably misses them too, but we talked about this, and now he is pulling this?
I just dont get it... iguess I am just looknig for some Ra ra, its gonan be okay talk...or that even though the police charges get dropped, they wont give custody of the kids to him.

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He's delusional CD - but then I think you may have already sensed the man was mentally ill.

Make sure you go to court with the FACS documentation, the bruises, the secrecy - there is no chance that if the judge sees this he'll get anything but supervised visitation. Remember Topie?

It could be he's just trying to get to you too. make you worry... Don't give in.


Cafe Plan B link http://forum.marriagebuilders.com/ubbt/ubbthreads.php?ubb=showflat&Number=2182650&page=1

The ? that made recovery possible: "Which lovebuster do I do the most that hurts the worst"?

The statement that signaled my personal recovery and the turning point in our marriage recovery: "I don't need to be married that badly!"

If you're interested in saving your relationship, you'll work on it when it's convenient. If you're committed, you'll accept no excuses.
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Carina,

I live in the southeast. In my state, my attorny told me it's very hard for one parent to get full custody unless you can prove abuse of any kind or addictions. My exWH actually showed up drunk for a 10 AM hearing. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Drunk to the point the judge STOPPED the hearing, called both lawyers to the bench and discussed Ex's ability to proceed. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/frown.gif" alt="" /> It was actually quite hard to watch.

We share custody (if you can call him seeing the girls 2x a year shared custody), but I have full responsibility for all decisions (education, health, religion, etc). They told me it was the closest thing to full custody I'd get.

Good luck---thinking of ya.

UpandRunning

DD's 16 and 14
Divorced 11/05
Married 18 years


BS married 18 years in addition to 8 years dating since HS
'04 discovered his other life w/multiple A's
'05 divorced
2 wonderful girls, 19 and 17
Phil. 4:13

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Carina,

I believe you know that this is just another desperate attempt to control-control-control. Your STBX is not mentally healthy, and every move he makes is not for his gain, but so that he can make you lose or experience loss. Nothing else. He does not want the kids...he is not expressing desire to be with his children and develop a healthy relationship with them...none of that. It is ONLY to avoid child support. He earns it and he wants to keep it all. He truly does NOT see how his past actions will effect the current situation. Frankly, I believe your STBX is either Borderline Personality Disorder or Narcissistic in the worst degree.

Anyway, as you can tell from my sig line, my exH was/is mentally ill too. Every single thing out of his mouth was intended to generate a reaction from me. I can not begin to tell you how he bold-face LIED to the court, and they never once asked for any kind of proof. Sooooo...begin to wrap your mind around the fact now that HE IS GOING TO LIE. This is just going to happen...so prepare for it. He's going to say that YOU exaggerated the charges in an attempt to steal the kids from him. He's going to say that he has always been a model father and husband. He's going to say that he doesn't have a job because of YOU and he can't get a job in the future because of YOU. Can you see how those kinds of statements are going to make you want to just SCREAM and tear your hair out and defend yourself? That's what he wants...for you to have some sort of reaction in court so he can say, "See your honor? She's the one who is violent."

So this is VITAL--practice it until you can say it in your sleep to any vile lie or situation:

"That may be your view or opinion, but it is NOT MINE. I disagree. My view differs greatly." (Say that 1000 times...I'm serious).

Have your documentation in order. If you have given it to your attorney, ask to go through it with them and get it in order. If you still have your documentation, get it in order and bring it all (even if you have to bring a cart). Be prepared to calmly, factually offer EVIDENCE/DOCUMENTATION to support your opinion. Because here's what he is HOPING will happen. He is HOPING that he can lie through his teeth, create a reaction, accuse YOU of being the violent one, play the victim role, get joint custody, and have to pay less CS and pay no attention to the kids. Meanwhile, if he lies...and you are CALM and say, "You have the right to your opinion, but I disagree. My opinion differs GREATLY!! I believe X and Y, and here is documentation to support my opinion" then the court gets to decide based on EVIDENCE. And based on EVIDENCE you will appear mature, you will appear as a woman who fought to save her marriage, and you will appear as a woman who finally had to leave the marriage to protect her children. He will appear as a man who has no proof of his statements and is trying to create a reaction.

"That may be your view or opinion, but it is NOT MINE. I disagree. My view differs greatly. I believe X and Y and here is my evidence."

"That may be your view or opinion, but it is NOT MINE. I disagree. My view differs greatly. I believe X and Y and here is my evidence."

"That may be your view or opinion, but it is NOT MINE. I disagree. My view differs greatly. I believe X and Y and here is my evidence."

"That may be your view or opinion, but it is NOT MINE. I disagree. My view differs greatly. I believe X and Y and here is my evidence."

"That may be your view or opinion, but it is NOT MINE. I disagree. My view differs greatly. I believe X and Y and here is my evidence."

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Hi Kayla
Yes, the good news is that we spent a lot of time in and out of counselling and we can get those subpoenaed and it documents his lack of involvement in the marriage, the control, no sex etc.
He is not going to get help, because ppl see him as this nice guy. He worked so hard to maintain the facade of being the nice guy with the house and wife etc, that he left no energy to really be nice to US.
He said from the beginning that I am using the situation to get out of a bad one. I am sorery, but I would never make my kids go and talk in from of a hidden camera and discuss an ACTUAL FACT that occured for the fun of it.
The boys are indifferent to seeing him no-when they go he ignores them mostly and he doesnt call during the week or help. Last weekend he DID help with our sons project which is unusual but at least there he did try.
I am sure he IS trying to get to me.
He said he only hit the kids because he was mad with OUR situation. That was his awakening in counselling.
So when he said he wanted to move in, I said to him "Well, you said you hit the kids cause you were mad with our situation. Wouldnt moving in cause stress and cause you to possibly do that again? I have no proof you have changed--"----he has sworn and berated the kids SINCE he has left the houe and thats not hitting but its still showing he cannot control himself.---and he got quiet and didn't respond.
Thank you for posting to me...I wish my family lived closer.

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Usually full custody is awarded with open access or sometimes joint access, which is more popular now.
He is probably going at it with the I want full custody and maybe they will feel sorry for me and give me joint custody.

This is the time more than ever to put the guns at my side-i cannot forget my kdis and this is something I need to fight for them. Not me. Its not about me anymore and I let it go on too long and I need to defend them. They were sworn at, slapped, hit to the ground, pinched, chased after with stuff, and screamed at for hours on end.
Guess what? Their report cards are coming back in 2 days, and I am told they are better.
They are better-my oldest son is writing and more relaxed--he is writing poetry and my younger son got out of that bad crowd (the bully cord) he was with and is haanging around brainiacs now.
That is not circumstantial.
Even my daughter has lost a little weight--she was overweight. And I have been keeping her active.
I want to look into a lot of things--like finishing school and moving forward that I cant eve nthnik of going back now.
And I am not sure at his motives cause he says he wants to move back in the house to help ME..(ha ha ) but I dont need it. I got things under control totally. I reworked my schedule and have someone open the store. I work 9-4 6 days a week. That way, i cant get the kids off to school, and am home to make dinner.
My sitter picks up if she has to and drops off, I hired a friends maid service to come in and clean the house (deep clean) once a week so I am not stressed about showing the house on the weekend and cleaning on my day off.
I am really happy with my life and this well, I just need to get through it I guess.
I guess I thought he was going to be rational.
I was hoping.

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Control is right! When I asked him if that is what he really wanted, he said NO, but What kind of person would he be to not ask for it!
I think he has some sort of illness too and that makes it hard to gauge what he will do. You think he would realize he is lucky he is seeing the kids and accept a custody arrangement of open acess or joint (ack) but who knows.
I feel soooo uncomfortable leaving the kids alone with him and do not allow it. I dont trust him!

he is going to lie--ya, you are right-he will. He will try to make me a bad mom and I am sure he has ammo that doesnt make me look perfect. But its hear say, I have proof. And I dont even feel comfortable with him being alone with the kids beacuse he makes them lie and tells them not to say anything. He slaps them then hides it.
Anyway, I am practising what you wrote for Wednesday.
He is always trying to get a reaction out of me--you nailed it--he does that with other people too. He thinks its funny.
I need to remember that. Not panic.
But its still hurtful...

sigh...thanks so much for your advice and support <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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Carina--will the court have access to the records from your marriage counselor? At any point was the abuse of the children mentioned during those visits?

I think if you go to the hearing calmly and don't react emotionally to his BS in court, the court will side with you. I think any judge would be able to spot that your H is a controlling abuser from a mile off....


Married 6 years on July 23, 2011--no issues and deeply in love--thanks, MB!

I'm convinced that I'm married to the most wonderful man alive....

I hear and I forget. I see and I believe. I do and I understand. Confucius (B.C. 551-479)

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mine tried to pull the same stunt. he lied, he did everything. it was quite a process but long story short, we settled out of court because his lawyer finally convinced him there was no way in he** was going to get full custody. he was to take what he could get and shut up about it.

we share joint. he pays hefty child support. bottom line is, it kills him to have to pay that much, if he had the kids he would not have had to pay child support at all. it all boiled down to money. sad huh? and the fact he wanted to hurt me by trying to take away the 2 things that mean the most to me.. my kids.

you will do fine. if you want to email me you can, i will help you any way i can.

mlhb


God first, family second, and all else will fall into place.


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