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Folks...I thought this quote was PERFECT for understanding what is going thru the heads of husbands and wives...and how we have no idea what the other is thinking (which is why we must communicate). Anyway...pretty funny...but very true! Two Sides Of The Story
* HER SIDE OF THE STORY
My husband was in an odd mood Saturday night. We planned to meet at a cafe for a drink
spent the afternoon shopping with the girls and I thought it might have been my
I was a bit later than I promised but he didn't say anything about it. I don't remember
doing anything to make him upset, but I could tell there was something wrong.
The conversation was quite slow going so I thought we should go off to someplace
intimate so we could talk more privately. We went to this restaurant and he was STILL
acting a bit funny. I was getting really worried, what did I do? What was bothering him?
Was he mad at me?
I tried to cheer him up, but started to wonder what was bothering him. Was it me or
something else? I asked him if he was upset with me, he said no. But I wasn't really sure.
In the car on the way back home, I said that I loved him deeply and he just put his arm
around me. I didn't know what the heck that meant because, you know, he didn't say it
back or anything. We finally got back home and I was wondering if he was going to
leave me! So I tried to get him to talk but he just switched on the TV.
Reluctantly, I said I was going to go to bed. Then after about 10 minutes, he joined
me and to my surprise, we made love. But, he still seemed really distracted, so afterwards
I wanted to confront him but didn't, so I just cried myself to sleep. I just don't know what
to do anymore. I mean, I really think he's seeing someone else.
* HIS SIDE OF THE STORY
Played badly today --- shot 97 - - -can't putt for crap! Felt kind of tired.
Got laid though.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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I remember thinking this was funny back when I was dating.
marriage?? mot acceptable!
Why is it so hard to let a woman (YOUR WIFE) know you were in a lousy mood because you can't put??
and honestly.. ....most womena re not that stupid.
i don't know too many women (especially married ones) who wouldn't confront him w/ questions about his sulkiness.
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MM, This is kinda funny...I remember a while back my DH told me that there really truly isn't a lot going on in his head...it always baffles him how I can take a simple innocuous behavior or comment from him and end up thinking he hates me! So it's true, then....men are really that simple? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" />
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It's not that men and women are stupid...we just look at things differently. Notice she had about twenty lines of thoughts there...and the guy had two.
We men are not that complicated...we really arent. We arent that deep!!
Thus, we dont say these things to our wives because we dont believe them to be important. But of course, what we learn later...especially after our marriage is almost destroyed...is that it is extremely important. Not necessarily for us...but for our spouse.
This is why the Harleys teach what they do. Because meeting needs is VERY important...but the needs MUST be met the way our spouse wants them met!
Pep had put up a thread last week asking why men dont cry with their wives, why they dont "emote" with them. The answer? We are not built that way! Sure, we do to a certain extent...and once we understand that our wives need this...we do it a lot more. But, at the end of the day, we really only require just basic things.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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MM, This is kinda funny...I remember a while back my DH told me that there really truly isn't a lot going on in his head...it always baffles him how I can take a simple innocuous behavior or comment from him and end up thinking he hates me! So it's true, then....men are really that simple? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/eek.gif" alt="" /> Yes. We are. That is why a man can say something to another man, and we accept the surface meaning of it. We dont go looking for hidden meanings or agendas. It is what it is!
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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Actually, Mortarman, there is only one line. The stuff about the golf game is just filler..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />
"You won't ever regret doing the right thing! Nobody ever does!" ~ Heartsore
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Actually, Mortarman, there is only one line. The stuff about the golf game is just filler..... <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" /> Ahhhhh...too true!
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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well, maybe yiu really ARE that simple.
my H really is NOT. he will tell you so.
I wonder how many men try to tell themselves they are simple and then they turn to OW or alchohol or some other addiction to avoid the truth.
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How to seduce a woman:
Wine her
Dine her
Bring her flowers and gifts
Bring her chocolate
Watch the sunset together
Discuss the nuances of your day with her
Tell her what's bothering you
Listen about how badly her day has gone and then say "You poor dear."
How to seduce a man:
Show up naked
Bring food
Even the abbreviation used on here says it...SF. Women seek the second word more than the first. Men only seek the first.
Yep, we ARE that simple.
When people were hunter gatherers, the men were the hunters and the women were the gatherers.
The men went into the field, picked an animal they wanted to have for dinner. They stalked it all day and killed it, then brought it home for their mate to prepare for supper. The thrill was in the hunt. The satisfaction was in the eating.
In the mean time, the women got together and wandered through the forest, seeking that which might be in season. (On sale?) They sampled different fruits and vegetables and gave each other opinions of the taste and texture. They discussed ways to prepare the foods they had found in order to show off the colors and combinations of flavors to the fullest. Some days there was an abundance of one food and the next day there was something different. The satisfaction was in the searching. The thrill was in the eating.
Send a man to the store for bread and he comes home with...bread...
Unless he has to pass the sporting goods or the tools on the way to or from the bread aisle.
Romantic evening:
Her Version: A loaf of bread, a jug of wine and thou.
His version: A loaf of bread, "Pour me some wine, would ya?"
Mark
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nia17,
I believe there are exceptions to every so-called rule....and I've always had a hard time BELIEVING men are that simple. I wish I knew for sure. Maybe some are, and some are not...so how can you tell?
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well, maybe yiu really ARE that simple.
my H really is NOT. he will tell you so.
I wonder how many men try to tell themselves they are simple and then they turn to OW or alchohol or some other addiction to avoid the truth. Of course, there is more to us than that. All of us in reality, have fears, etc. The issue is how we express ourselves and how we need others to express themselves to us. The typical male does not need, nor want, to go thru all of the details when it comes to feelings. Example? I come home from work and had a problem with a co-worker. My wife asks me "What's wrong?" I tell her "well, Jim was being a you-know-what today." My wife then would ask "well, what did he do?" And my response would be "nothing really. He just got on my nerves." Not, if a man was hearing what I just said, he would respond "hey...I know what you mean! Want a beer?" We would acknowledge whatever the issue is without delving too deep into it...and then move onto the next subject. But, my wife would persist in asking more questions. "So, what did he do? What did you do about it? What did the others in the office say about it?" And we men are getting annoyed! We really didnt want to go there...we really didnt want to dig into it. Same goes the other way. If my wife was having a problem like I said above, then in the old days, I might say "gee honey...that's terrible. Guess you probably need to just stay away from her." And then I would go make a sandwich! Well, that would anger my wife to no end! That I wasnt listening to her, letting her talk it thru...to emote! You see, we men dont understand why you all need to go thru all of that. Just solve the problem and move on. And the women dont understand why men just "push it under the rug" and dont "deal" with our problems...which means to talk them out. Two different people, men and women are. Where we do well is to understand the differences and provide for their needs the way they need them...and our spouse do the same for us.
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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My H is working very hard recently, with long hours.
He comes home grumpy ... the first week I thought "Why is he mad at me? What have I done?"
I asked him "What's wrong?"
He said ... "I'm just out of steam by the time I get home."
.... The old me .... skulk around pizza'ed off that he's not in a good mood ... in other words ~~~> join him in the dark place
the new me ... ask what he wants to eat or drink ... give him a kiss ( or whatever, depending on his response) ... and leave him be ...
and guess what happends .... !!!!!!
He comes OUT OF his GRUMP without my assistance
I used to think it was MY JOB to pull him out of the dark place ... it's not !
I just shine a light in there ... letting him know I'm out here, if he decides to join me
I put on teflon and his bad mood does not stick to me.... I am a visual thinker ... I need a picture.... this works for us
Pep
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Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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Pep,
Yep, that's me...though I'm working on it. When DH is in a grumpy mood, I assume he is mad at ME for some reason. And I think that heightened after the affair, at least for a while. But sometimes, it still pops up on me.
MM, have you ever tried to "fix" your wife's problems? There were a few times in our marriage (and once BEFORE we were married) that I would vent and vent about the same problem over and over, and DH got sick of hearing me complain so he took things into his own hands and tried to FIX it for me. He didn't understand I just wanted to vent. Of course, now I understand how frustrating it would be for him to have to listen to me complain about the same thing over and over. I still didn't want him to fix it!
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Oh yeah! That's how we are built...to fix things! In my link at the bottom of my posts, there is a section about this in the roles of husbands and wives. I took this extract out: 1st Peter 3:7, “Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with [them] according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”
The first part of this says to dwell with your wives in an understanding way. In a different translation, it says to know your wife. You cant meet needs you don’t understand. But here is the problem…understanding a woman. That is like going to a foreign country, with another language!! Men are told to study the Bible, and told here to study their wives.
Many times your wife speaks from how she feels, and you are answering what she should do. She may be sitting there sharing a problem that she has, and you sit there coming up with a solution to a problem she has not fully expressed yet. The reason we men want to come up with a solution for this problem that she hasn’t fully explained is that we don’t want to take the time to hear all of that. In our mind, she is taking two hours to explain something that really only takes 5 minutes. So what we offer to do is to cut out an hour and 55 minutes of conversation and get to the point. “Let me help you…this is how you fix that. Let me help you so we don’t have to spend 2 hours discussing it.”
But we men don’t understand. In men language, we say a word and we understand the surface meaning of the word…and we act on it. But she wants to describe that thing. You see, she doesn’t just want you to understand it intellectually…she wants you to feel it with her. She wants you to “emote” with her. That’s why this passage says to dwell with your wives, which in the Greek means to live with her. To spend time with her. It means be there long enough to understand…and that means time. That’s why when you offer a solution, she is getting mad. You are wondering why she is getting mad over a problem you are trying to fix? Well, it is because she wants to know that you are more concerned about her than her problem. She doesn’t just want you to fix the problem…she wants you to “fix” her while helping to fix the problem. That takes time, because part of her getting “fixed” is her ability to fully express. It takes time to learn a foreign language. We must dwell with her long enough in order to understand her needs. It takes that to not only understand what her needs are, but also how she feels about them. And that takes a servant. Even the Bible speaks to men about not being this way...to be with and emote with our wives. Could it be that God understands our weakness and provided some guidelines to help us? HHHhhhhhmmmm?!?!
Standing in His PresenceFBS (me) (48) FWW (41) Married April 1993... 4 kids (19(B), 17(G), 14(B), 4(B)) Blessed by God more than I deserve "If Jesus is your co-pilot...you need to change seats!"Link: The Roles of Husbands and Wives
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How to seduce a man:
Show up naked
Bring food
Even the abbreviation used on here says it...SF. Women seek the second word more than the first. Men only seek the first.
Mark,
This is part of what bothers me....can you see how women feel like they are only good for two things, based on this statement? I struggle with this a lot, feeling as though that is all I am to DH....that he could care less if I had feelings, that he doesn't want to have to listen to them, and I end up feeling like less than a whole person to him.
And I sit there thinking, Well gee, DH, you can get those two things ANYWHERE....so what exactly IS so special about me?
NOW
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I believe there are exceptions to every so-called rule....and I've always had a hard time BELIEVING men are that simple. I wish I knew for sure. Maybe some are, and some are not...so how can you tell? notonlywords* - Men are not that simple, they just want women to believe they are because it makes things "simpler." Men are not generally prone to long conversations, and certainly not conversations that get into how you "feel" about something. Men are basically "wired" for logic as the "governor" of conversations....as Joe Friday used to say, "Just the facts Maam." Women are basically "wired" emotionally and that carries over into their conversations. "I need all the details so I can 'see' myself there," and it doesn't matter if it's about the affair details or just some innocuous recounting of "their day." It is a "need," and a man would be well advised to "suck it up" and listen attentively to a "recounting of the day." It's one of the reasons women tend to have more female friends than men tend to have male friends. It's the old "women can talk all day" and men can't get past a few minutes of conversation before running out of "important" things to talk about. That's why women are God's "completers" of men. Together they make "one whole." Men are supposed to be the "providers" for women. To me, the single biggest problem in marriages today is the "confusion" about the roles of husbands and wives, because pride and "individuality" gets in the way of conversation and willingness to meet the spouse's needs, whatever those needs happen to be. What replaces loving submission to the other spouse's needs is a "what's in it for me?" attitude and the emotional differences that we tend to project onto our spouse (if it were ME, I would do it THIS way....). Ever wonder why most of the world's "great philosophers" have been men? It's not because men are "shallow" thinkers. Why does there seem to be a "problem" today? In my opinion it can be traced back to the "Women's Liberation" movement and the resulting "guilt trip" and "emasculation" of men ("get in touch with your feminine side," "women don't need men," "don't you dare think you are the head of the household, even in your own marriage, I AM WOMAN!"). Get the roles of husbands and wives out of kilter, and trouble is "just around the corner." Keep God out of the marriage, and "flawed humans" will produce "flawed results" in their relationships because everyone becomes a "lord" unto themselves. Just my humble opinions, for what they are worth.
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Pep,
Yep, that's me...though I'm working on it. When DH is in a grumpy mood, I assume he is mad at ME for some reason. And I think that heightened after the affair, at least for a while. But sometimes, it still pops up on me.
MM, have you ever tried to "fix" your wife's problems? There were a few times in our marriage (and once BEFORE we were married) that I would vent and vent about the same problem over and over, and DH got sick of hearing me complain so he took things into his own hands and tried to FIX it for me. He didn't understand I just wanted to vent. Of course, now I understand how frustrating it would be for him to have to listen to me complain about the same thing over and over. I still didn't want him to fix it! it's interesting...men and women may be different, MM...but, don't forget, we are all individuals w/ are own personalities and FOO issues.....my H was a fixer....i learned (from my parents) that i do not vent to an H...that's what friends are for.....well,it bothered HIM that i didn't. he thought that meant i didn't trust him as much as i did my sister or friends. and when i obliged...he wanted to fix it....fix me. he once tried to tell men very simple.....simple needs....he read it somewhere....food and sex.....yet, he'd break out in hives because he was trying to downplay all the stress and anxieties he felt from from trying to be so simple. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/crazy.gif" alt="" />
Last edited by nia17; 03/21/07 09:15 AM.
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Mortarman - as a brief "threadjack," you would have loved the Ligonier conference last week. Wonderful speakers!
Hope all is going well with you, your wife, and the pregnancy.
God bless.
P.S. If you get a chance, I'd appreciate your checking to a thread on Recovery for tj3. It's her "Christian advice" thread that I started for her.
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"To me, the single biggest problem in marriages today is the "confusion" about the roles of husbands and wives, because "pride and "individuality" gets in the way of conversation and willingness to meet the spouse's needs, whatever those needs happen to be. What replaces loving submission to the other spouse's needs is a "what's in it for me?" attitude and the emotional differences that we tend to project onto our spouse (if it were ME, I would do it THIS way....)."
FH, thanks for your input!
If I think about this statement, I would have to agree...when I was putting FH's needs above my own, I was ok. And when i started to think more about how MY needs weren't being met, that is when I got into trouble.
And here is where I hit a block with Marriage Builder's principles....ideally, they work....but what about in a situation where one spouse is NOT doing their "share", or to put it another way, not fulfilling their role as husband or wife? What does MB say to do? And what does God say to do? I'm not clear on that.
This is where I am stuck. Do I meet DH's needs without any thought to my own? And if I do that, won't I end up as before, looking elsewhere for them, if he fails to meet them? Or, am I supposed to get to a point where my needs are not important, even to me?
I hope you can understand what I'm asking...it's very hard to articulate!
Thanks for any input!
NOW
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