Please help I need some advice and direction. I have never been so confused and lost, I feel so empty inside right now and want to sry but just can't.

Here is my story.
I met my wife 4 years ago when she was 20 and I was 28. She was pregnant after 6 months and we got married because we were madly in love. We have now been married 3 yrs and have a 3 and 1 yr old child. We've had numerous problems over the years and have discussed divorce 5 times but this time it is for real. We have been separated for 2 weeks now and are working on a divorce.I still love my wife very much and wanted to work things out but she just gave up trying. She said she has been unhappy for years now and didn't want to be unhappy the rest of her life.

She has always had this really close girlfriend which was her maid of honor at our wedding. The have had their ups and downs but it always seemed to me that there was more to it than just friends. I find out now my wife is and has been in love with her even before we were married. My wife said she fell in love with me had 2 children and for a long time didn't think about her but she could not forget her in the long run. Her friend is also married and has a child but has had recent marital problems and they have been speaking over the phone and internet for 2 months now. I feel as if my wife still loves me but is confused about her sexuality, We have had intimacy problems over the last year and she said she was not attracted to men anymore and was just having sex with me to appease my needs. She said she thought she was a lesbian for a long time but her love for me made her feel differently. I did always sense she was somewhere else and longed for a different life. She wasn't 100% into our marriage and it seemed as if whenever her friend would have problems and call her she would pull any from me even more. When she wasn't talking to her for whatever reason she was the best wife and lover and 100% dedicated to us.

She has told me I am and will be the only man she will ever love but she just can't go on being married when she thinks she is also in love with her best friend. I told her I was glad she finally told me so I can now understand why she has been pulling any from me little by little over the past 2 years. She said she thought see could live with it but the thought of being married 20+ years and then finding out she really is in love with her best friend would be devastating. I am glad to find now rather than later.

Please help I need some advice. Is this normal to still love someone when you know they are in love with someone else?

I'm sorry that you are here for the reason you just stated. My heart and prayers go out to you. Finding this site is a great step in the right direction, and I would say that your love for your W is genuine as you still love her despite her being "in love" w/ someone else. Your feelings are definitely okay.

Unfortunately, I don't know if Dr. Harley addresses homosexual infidelity, which I can only imagine complicates things tremendously.

Read and study this site, but I would suggest seeking further help on your W's issues of homosexuality, as that must be dealt with first.

Hang in there, your love for your W sounds strong enough to give it your all to try to save your marriage. As a lot of the experienced people here say, give it your all so that if it doesn't work out, you can look back w/ no regrets, confident that you truly did everything you could to save your marriage.

If you commit to saving it, be prepared for a long and crazy rollercoaster ride.

God Bless.

Thanks for they reply!

This situation is so complicated I don't even know where to begin. I knew we had problems but until this week I did not know the extent of my wifes emotional issues. She said she was in love with her best girl friend even before we were married and didn't know if she would ever love a man. They went to high school together and my wife had some pretty bad experiences with men which drove her closer to her girlfriend and a hatred for men in general. She also grew up in a household where her mother was always ridiculing her and gave her very bad self-esteem and anxiety. When we met and fell in love she felt as if she could forget about her girlfriend, but it was making her miserable suppressing those feelings. She said at first she was so in love and viewed me as the one person in her life which could actually make her happy (her knight in shining armor), but as the years went on she realized this is not a fairy tale and the bumps along the road started to make her depressed and a longing for her girlfriend who she still loved. I am not sure anymore if there is a chance for our marriage to survive the last thing I want to do is try and change how my wife feels. If she really does love this other woman than that is a reality that I cannot change. I also can not accept this fact and go on married so I am not sure what can really be done.

Is it possible that she, like all other WSs, is rewriting history of your relationship??? to justify her affair??

One of my mental attitudes that helps me is that I accept I cannot change my WW, that she is ultimately responsible for her own actions. All I can do is guide her, show her by MY actions how much I truly do love her, and hope that she'll see that I'm worth coming back to & that our marriage shouldn't be thrown away. No one should carry the burden of trying to change someone else, only they can, with God's help.

Thanks everyone I am starting to feel better already. I just can't believe she married me when she knew there was a chance she was homosexual. We even had 2 kids for gods sake.

I know I cannot change her and especially influence her sexual preference. The hard part is we are still friends and I can tell she still loves me. It would be much easier if we hated each other, but that is just not the case.

I'm glad you're feeling better. Prepare yourself though for good days like today, and bad days. The experts here aren't kidding when they describe the BS experience as a rollercoaster ride! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

in my opinion there is nothing you can really do. She entered the marriage not sure of her sexuality and she should of been honest with you from the beginning. But her feelings wont change she will always love you but not the way she loves her friend. I really don't think someones childhood can turn them gay in my opinion people are born gay they just have a hard time figuring it out, because of the way society looks at them. What you need to focus on now is your children. they are going to be effected by this the most. most likely when they half-way understand that their mom is gay they will ask a lot of questions and it might be hard to answer them. but your kids will always love you and you can always count on that.i hope you find the answers your looking for.

Also, I know what you mean by the fact that you even have 2 kids.

In my sitch, my wife agreed to having our 2nd child after my confession of my past infidelity, so I wrongly assumed she was over it.

Sad thing is, I was a bloody idiot for thinking adultery is something people can "get over" quickly.

So, your WW solution is divorce?

Or is she asking for a temporary separatios so she can figure out if she'll be ok with OW?

And how about the kids? What does she want to do about them?

She might very well be very confused... and Married life with two babies is not that easy... So maybe some of the usual WS "justifications" might be here as well.