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Glad to hear your good report, 1KW (default to shortest) and it's a good sign that your WH is willing to read posts. Mine will, too but I don't want him to feel pressured to post his side of our recovery until he's ready. Time will tell when that will happen.

I'm confusing thread sitches and yours does not mention if you've exposed to OPS. That really helped me start to rebuild my trust. If you haven't, consider it. If you have, you're still going to have to be very vigilent for many weeks, months and maybe years, hopefully not.

So glad you came back and asked specific questions and followed through. I wondered for many weeks about you and prayed for you, too. Gave me goose bumps to see your WH seems to have earned the "F" for 'former' as in "former wayward husband". When did he earn that?

Ace


FWH/BW (me)57+ M:36+ yr.
4 D-Days: Jun-Nov 06 E/PA~OW#2 (OW#1 2000)
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1000W ~

Quote
p.s. a soulmate type affair is a TEENAGER affair. That is not a grown up thing.


Mel's words here hit the nail right on the head ~ "soulmate" love is a very superficial, surface-y type of love ~ it is not the love of long-lasting relationships. It relies on the feelings of infatuation for the relationship to continue, and is based only on the "feelings" of love (which is really just infatuation / ego-stroking), rather than also taking into consideration that love must also be a decision, since we all know that feelings come and go.

I believe that it is a sign of immaturity, as well as a justification for the affair ~ "well, we're soulmates you know, we couldn't help it that we found each other after one (or both) of us were married!" (yeah ~I know, gagpukebarfvomit).

But it is the immaturity that LEADS to the justification, in claiming "soulmate" love, IMHO.

~MF


Me,BW - 42; FWH-46
4 kids
D-Day #s1 and 2~May 2006
D-Day #3~Feb.27, 2007 (we'd been in a FR)
Plan B~ March 3 ~ April 6, 2007

In Recovery and things are improving every day. MB rocks. smile
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Hmmm, funny, adding the F to WH wasn't conscious. Hadn't noticed til you pointed it out! Maybe that's a good sign subconsiously? In my heart of hearts, I believe that FWH won't contact OW again. He’d have to make a really big effort to contact her (it would have to be a very conscious decision). And I think he'd have to be a special breed of [censored] to do that, and that I truly don't have a clue about who he is or what his values are.
But don't misunderstand me; I am no longer naive enough after a false recovery to think that I can sit back and relax now. I have also read enough horror stories on MB to know that relapse is very common. Hence the constant knot in my stomach.
My hope is to be vigilant but at the same time to learn to trust again so that our marriage can move forward leaving this awful nightmare behind us.


BW 32
WH 32
2 cute kids
Together 15 years
DD #1 27/4/05
VERY FALSE RECOVERY
DD #2 28/1/07
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Just be careful not to drop your guard. Check out my recent post to Brokenincali regarding withdrawal. It sucks.

IMHO, "F" must be earned when WH demonstrates enough recovery signals that you can start to rebuild trust. It took several weeks for mine to earn it....even after we exposed late to OPS. He earned it when his withdrawal fog lifted and he began saying he 'would do anything to help me heal'.

Ace

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Mr. Onethousandwords...

Glad to hear that you are reading here...Hope you will feel comfortable enough to post soon...You would be very welcomed by this community...

Mrs. W

Last edited by MrsWondering; 04/14/07 08:37 PM.

FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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1KW,

Hope you're able to keep up the progress you're making. I'm learning right along with you and grateful for the opportunity.

Thanks,
Ace


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.

Last edited by MrsWondering; 04/14/07 08:38 PM.
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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/laugh.gif" alt="" />

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<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

Last edited by MrsWondering; 04/14/07 09:17 PM.
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* <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" />

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?


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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Big K.....

I got 2x4ed because Mrs. W. cares enough to help this newbie learn stuff that will be more helpful.

End of educational and questionable threadjack! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

*******

How are you guys doing, Mr. and Mrs. 1000words?

Ace

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May I just add my unequivocal "NO" to the original question.

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No you may not Jen.

<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
Joined: Feb 2004
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LOL, I reread my post to make sure the correct message had got across. I think it has. *confused*

It's the truth BigK. Thank God it's the truth.

I hope this isn't a t/j but in the last 6 months I have come a very, very, very, very long way. And it's all good!

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Jenny,

You will never be in a place where OM is not a threat to your marriage. I do understand you feel like that now but you probably also felt like that before Kiwigate last year.

I am not saying that to be mean.

It IS what Willard Harley himself says unambiguously in "His Needs, Her Needs". It isn't nice and it certainly isn't what a BS wants to here, much less a FWS wants to acknowledge.

But it is an incontrovertible fact that the OP will forever be a threat to your marriage. The sooner you recognise this unpleasant fact, the sooner I would start feeling safe if I was Rob.

Stop trying to convince yourself of your immunity, recognise the facts and you will react appropriately when OM comes calling again.


Me: 56 (FBS) Wife: 55 (FWW)
D-Day August 2005
Married 11/1982 3 Sons 27,25,23
Empty Nesters.
Fully Recovered.
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BigK, the point is I UNDERSTAND that now.

I know it's NC for life. But I'm also in a different place. I'm happy and strong but I'm certainly not convincing myself I'm immune.

You know how you said that your W would run a mile if she saw the OM. I'm IN that place now.

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I am a WW and the OM will always be on my mind. I do not
mean I will do something about it, but as said "the feelings and chemistry just don't go away". There are triggers that may stir up unwanted thoughts or feelings, but I do the best I can to avoid "fantasy thoughts". After all that is what an Affair is...an addictive fantasy. My affair was very emotional, lots of feelings involved. It is not easy to dismiss those feelings.I can't speak for the OM, because there is NC but I think EA are alot harder to forget abt. You just learn to move forward and do whats right.

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THAT IS THE FEAR THAT CONSUMES ME..!!!!!!!!
EVERY DAY, SINCE DDAY! I FEEL SO HELPLESS AND SOMETIMES, BESIDES DEPRESSED...I FEEL SO INSECURE!!


Me- BW 47 Him- WWH 49 2 daughters/ 21 & 15 D-DAY - 3/5/07 PLAN A ONGOING "ONLY TWO DEFINING FORCES HAVE OFFER TO DIE FOR YOU; JESUS CHRIST AND THE AMERICAN SOLDIER. ONE DIED FOR YOUR SOUL, THE OTHER FOR YOU FREEDOM!!"
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How ya doing onethousandwords and Mr. 1KW?

Time for an update if you can.

Ace

EDITED to add:

PS It's now Friday morning, 1KW, and I just read your post. Do NOT apologize for venting....that's how we can help and how you can help yourself. I posted a request for vets and pros to help, but I wanted to leave this message here instead of starting a new post. Keep venting, even if it takes awhile for someone to answer.

Last edited by Ace_in_bucket; 04/27/07 08:09 AM.
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