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Joined: Jan 2007
Posts: 532
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was married once before... divorced for 5 years now with 2 children (boys) from that marriage ages 14 and 10. I met someone a year after my divorce and we were together for 3 years marrying last July. My marriage has been a wreck since our honeymoon, so much so that I contemplated annulment on our return. I took her to Italy, and she lost her main bag. She was understandably upset, but essentially, the entire 2 weeks in Italy was lost because of her not having clothes. I have the finances to get more, but she was so fixated on the ones she lost, that she couldn't even see that she had me. I even told her I felt she cared more for her luggage than the fact that I... her new husband... was standing right in front of her, trying to fix the problem rather than just be crushed by it.

She also has 2 children, girls ages 4 and 8. I absolutely love them dearly. I have tried to be a consistent dad between my boys and the girls. I have failed at this in her eyes. She believes that I take sides and am more loving towards my own boys than the girls. I have told her that I try to be consistent, and I really do... but all she can see is when I correct one of the girls, that I am being mean. And if I fail to correct the boys, in her eyes, I am being unfair.

We have been going to marriage counseling since 4 months after being married. She is an angry woman, and I had no idea just how angry she was until we became married and I saw her on a daily basis. Her mother and she have had a very poor relationship, but they never acknowledge problems, they fight about them, then pretend like they never happened when around each other. But she holds on to the anger. I don't ignore the problem, and so when I want to discuss an issue.. she just doesn't want to at all, and we usually end up in an argument.I can say nothing which will help her to talk, but she will yell and just become severely MEAN. There is no other way to describe it... just flat out mean.

Our sex life has been non-existent since we were married. Before we were married, it was pretty good, and I had explained to her that it was an important part of what I needed and wanted in marriage. When I told her this, she actually became angry with me for saying it. Yes.... red flag number 1 gazzilion... I know. But I really didn't think that she could be so crass as to just turn sex off in the way she did. We were in Italy for 2 weeks, and did not consumate our marriage for 4 days. And then made love ONLY at my behest 3 other times. We have made love 22 times since we have been married. I guess it might seem like alot to some, but it has been no where fulfilling to me. I have tried in every way possible to explain this to her, but she ignores me completely. She is an absolutely beautiful woman, which makes it all the more difficult to deal with on a daily basis.

I really do love her, and would work to change the issues we have, but she just won't do anything. She just says that I believe it is all her... but that it is really all me. I tell her that is fine, what about me is the problem? What can I be that would make me the perfect man for her? What does she expect our marriage should be like? What does she think a husband is supposed to be like? She can never tell me anything when I ask her these questions. She says be nicer... I brought up counseling, and she went, but she was always upset about going. And wanted to switch it to less and less often. I asked her to go to the May Marriage Builders Workshop... but she said that she felt that it wouldn't be good, and that perhaps just a weekend away alone would be what she needed. She didn't think that intense work would be good. I have asked her to read Harley's books... or ANY books. She absolutely refuses.

We have been getting worse and worse lately... actually I think I have just been less and less accomodating of her poor behaviors toward me. I just can't continue to be so sad and upset over everything that occurs in my marriage. It was as if, I had finally hit zero balance on my tolerance bank. NOT my love bank, I love her dearly. But My tolerance bank was all dried up. Finally, yesterday, she went off on me once again. I was wrong about the issue, and I told her I understood that fact. Last night, I tried to speak with her about it, and she was just hateful. She screamed at me, and even though I tried to bring the situation down a few levels, she just became more and more furious. At one point however, I was ready to chuck all the bad feelings and just wanted to hold her, the caretaker in me I guess... or just my desire to remain married and because of my love I absolutely feel. I could see how hurt and scared she was... I said something to that effect, and she said that she didn't WANT a hug and that she WANTED to be mad. She then did the last thing I ever thought she would do... she said "does this conversation bring back memorys of how you and your ex wife used to talk?" The hateful nature that I saw burning in her eyes as she said it was more than I could stand. I just walked away and went up stairs. After thinking about it for about half an hour, I went back downstairs, and told her I am done. I didn't use the word divorce, but she immediately knew what I was saying.

I wish that there was a way to fix everything... but I really don't believe there is and possiblity. The issues go far deeper than me and my part in our marriage. And although I am absolutely sure that I have a major part in the problems... I really feel that I am a pretty good guy. No one has ever accused me of being mean or selfish before. Everyone in her family openly states that she was alway both.

I feel horrible... for so many reasons. Because I don't want divorced... because I don't want to be divorced AGAIN (last one ended because my wife was repeatedly unfaithful), because I don't want to hurt our children... Because I don't want to hurt her... Because I don't want to be alone...


If there was some way to change it I would. But I think it would require her saying, I am sorry... I love you. And I just don't believe that will ever happen. I have heard her say she was sorry only one time. I have been the mender of all problems... and it has worn me through...

I just don't know what to do... I feel strangely relaxed and horribly sad all at the same time. I feel freed and hopelessly lost. I believe in God, and didn't ask for my first divorce, infact coming here trying to seek help. But now, it seems so different... I love her, and would do anything for her, but the thing is she doesn't feel the same way, and isn't willing to let down and just say I love you.

I can't believe that I am getting another divorce... it just breaks my heart.

Joined: Apr 2007
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I can think of three questions you might want to figure out.

1) Was she abused as a child? Her relationship with her mother seems unhealthy and could be where her anger comes from. Maybe you need to suggest anger management, rather than marriage counseling.

2) Could she have depression or another mood disorder? (BTW, depression is more common in people who were abused as kids so it could be both! Depression can also lower sex drive. So can some anti-depressants, though, but not all of them.)

3) That comment about your ex-wife might be more than just something hurtful to use. Have you been inappropriate with your ex-wife in any way since you got involved with your current wife? Have you saved any pics of or letters from your first wife that she may have come across accidentally?

And the conflict over the kids (and the sex problems) might be easier to solve once you solve the other problems (if you can) and the relationship improves. Maybe in the meantime when you are all together you agree that she will parent the girls, and you will parent the boys. It's definitely not a solution I would recommend longterm, but it may be necessary in the short-term.

Joined: Oct 2006
Posts: 192
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Would you be a "people pleaser"? You said your first wife was unfaithful, this current one is just the same (fidelity is much more just sex). Also, both of you are playing the blame game. That is a fast track to nowhere. When people get into hurtful relationships time and again the problem might be in the person not the partners. Making marriage work with blended families take one heck amount of maturity on all sides. Not for the faint hearted.

Joined: Sep 2005
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Sheesh, beautiful (and not so beautiful) women get bored once they get the commitment. Do you want her or just what you see with your eyes. The lady doesn't want to own her own stuff - and blames men (you) for her problems.

It ain't gonna change. She is what she is. You can be a doormat and put up with it, or you can tell her to get her act together by whatever means or face another divorce. It is that people kiss with their eyes closed and get married the same way. Except in you case, you bought what you could see instead of what you could feel.

She needs help and resists getting that help. If you go to MC or IC, she will blame you in ways subtle or blatant. The truth is that she is clueless about the source of how she feels and acts toward others. She is no more ready for intimacy in a relationship than a cat chasing a mouse.

Larry

Joined: Jun 2006
Posts: 243
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I just read this post and though it is months later it is heart breaking. The insane cruelty we are capable of with those we pledged to love and cherish. I agree with the two fellows ( I am assuming they are fellows ) above. After sixteen years with a woman very similar in nature to his wife,I believe he is destined to breakup on the rocky shore. This is an oil and water union.

This is a great forum. Much to be learned; evidently many troubled marriages are set on course which were adrift and seemingly without hope of reaching the shore. I am done with marriage. Second one to a woman every bit as troubled as this man's. Marriage should not be h**l on earth from the beginning as my second was. There were some warning flags which I chose to think were not cause for serious consideration. My folly. I don't care to reengage in the marital arena another time. Subsequent marriages are not easier but harder. That's not to say they can't be good. They just take more work to be good. I have many female friends-probably because I am a patient listener-and this is enough for me. It is lonely sometimes but I have been lonely in marriage too. And my recent dissolution was excruciating and it would be many moons before I could again reach the level of trust necessary to go beyond friendship. Besides, how many times can you recite the vows of matrimony without cynicism.

Joined: Dec 2007
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I feel for your pain. It seems you have done all you can to try and work with her to fix problems but it takes two people. You can't fix it by yourself.

One thing I see in you that I do not see in her, from what you wrote, is you still love her enough to have compassion during these fights. You said at one point you wanted to just hold her and that you saw the hurt in her. She on the other hand is too caught up in what appears to be displaced aggression and anger to be able to get past it and resolve marital issues in a loving adult fashion.

Perhaps she doesn't know how to love or be loved. Does she share her past experiences regarding family and relationships freely with you? It just sounds like this woman has been through something that has never been resolved. You will be her personal whipping boy until she solves it or destroys the marriage. This is very common behavior for self destructive people. I hope she finds her way free of it and can get some help before it is too late.

Meanwhile, be good to yourself. Everyone deserves peace and happiness.


Live well, laugh often, love much! - unkown

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