Have been in recovery for a year and both wife and I are now seeing a marriage counsellor. My wife is still lacking affection after her A and the MC has thrown the following line to us. A possible reason for A was monotony in marriage and as a result of A wife now has too much power and is using her power (dominating) by not showing affection etc..The MC said that I needed to start to regain the balance of power so we were on an equal footing. Just wondered if this has been said to anyone else and what they did about this. The human psyche seems truly complex to me now!!!!! Anyway look forward to hearing your ideas about this balance of power thing.

Keep in mind why people have affairs:

"Entitlement fueled by resentment".

Do you understand what that means? It means any time someone holds a lot of resentment, they feel entitled to disregard significant others, in favor of doing what they "feel like".

I have spoken about this balance of power issue since some of my earliest posts. It was something that I kept foremost in my mind during our recovery.

What do you think your wife feels (***FEARS***) will happen if she gives up the level of power she now has?

The mutual need-meeting that Dr. Harley speaks so much about is one way to regain equilibrium. In conjunction with this you need to learn about and establish good boundaries.

In my opinion one of the most important boundaries in marriage is to establish what you will and will not put up with in the marriage. Seems to me mutual affection, and the four gifts of love which are CARE PROTECTION HONESTY & TIME should be prerequisite to continuing to participate in the relationship on any level.

Once you make your boundaries firm, the marriage will either become the marriage you want, or you will decide that it's better to leave the relationship.

Not every marriage should be saved. It's my very strong opinion that a marriage that doesn't have these traits I listed above, or is showing significant improvements toward those ends should be approached with Plan B, or Plan D.

Well, if he means by balance of power that you allow her to run over you, then I would agree. Women don't respect men they can run over and often our love is contingent upon the respect we feel. Do you allow her to run over you?

I believe that the first step to regain power in a marriage affected by infidelity..............is to feel good about yourself again. To feel love for yourself and to feel that you are "important" and special.

As long as I (BS) felt like a doormat, incapable, unloved, unspecial, I'd say that my xWS had more power than I did.

Once I started to love myself again and once I got it into my head that OW was NOT better than me, I was able to regain power.

Never again will I let "anyone" make me feel so low of myself. I am responsible for how I feel about myself and I know that I am special and lovable and and and........

Everyone can feel this way................talk to yourself!!! I know this might sound NUTS to you but if you tell yourself this enough, you'll believe it and if you are happy with yourself, this will reflect on to others.

If your wife feels that she can't/doesn't want to show you affection..............well that's her decision. You can't change that. But if you learn to concentrate on yourself and if you make yourself happy...............you are NOT wasting your time.

bb

i am not sure how to balance the power in a marriage since mine did not work out.

i will say however, that i definitely felt as though i had the upper hand due to his affairs and i still do feel that way.

i am not sure how that would have played out if our marriage would have worked out. i think i probably would have always held it over his head.

i can tolerate a lot, but NOT infidelity.
as long as he was living here before our marriage completely ended it was foremost in my mind.
i no longer wanted the marriage and neither did he and that is probably a good thing because after all of the infidelity that took place, i probably would not have been a very fun person to live with.

mlhb

Thanks for the replies.to Melodylane.. no I dont let her walk over me but I have not been strong enough or as blondblossom said was not confident in myself or the relationship and probably showed this weakness by trying too hard and doing too much for the W. As a result of this I, according to the counsellor, portrayed myself to be weak and needy of my wife. The wrong image. Needed to show less attention and do less for her so she would start realising she might lose me if she didnt pull her socks up. That is how the equilibrium of the marriage shifted. Anyway now working on putting that right and as blondblossom says that only comes from within.Mates4life, I certainly agree with you.. if after counselling my W still behaves like this then I can honestly say perhaps some things are just not meant to be saved. Thanks again everyone.