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#1873800 05/08/07 03:32 PM
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Something to think about when posting to WSs:

I happen to have a bit of training in working with victims of domestic violence. One of the things I've been told is never to bash or criticize the abuser.

Why?

Because the victim's knee-jerk reaction will be to defend him. After all, at one point she picked him. And if he's such a monster, how could she have been so stupid? (BTW, abuse victims have their own type of fog, brought on by the cycle of violence.)

But anyway... the more she defends him, the more she BELIEVES the defenses. ie: "he's not so bad... I provoked him... he's so sorry... he didn't mean to." etc... etc... etc.

So I'm thinking...

The same concept might be applied to the bashing and criticizing of an OP. The more you do it... the more the WS wants to defend the OP... whether in a post or just in his/her mind.

You call the OP a CAD, a ******, a POS -- the WS thinks you're jumping to conclusions when you've never even met the person.

You question the OP's character -- the WS starts listing in his/her mind all the admirable qualities of the OP (real or imagined, it doesn't much matter)... feeding the infatuation.

See how that works?

It doesn't matter one bit whether you're right or wrong in your assesmet of OP. It's totally counter-productive.

As I said, just some food for thought. Thanks for listening.

--SC


"I require more from my spouse than behaving well in order to avoid pain." (guess who)
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Actually, I know for a fact that most counselors tell the exact same thing to the BS's during the counseling...don't attack the other person in anyway...you'll just force your spouse to defend them and encourage them to view the OP as a martyr in their cause.

I never bashed OM in my case in front of my wife for exactly this same reason. I knew that she'd just look for reasons to defend him. Instead, I focused on fixing the things I had some influence on.

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I think you have a good point. It is hard to control emotions in what many may see as an open forum to vent, which may include bashing.


Hopeful4future


The character of a person is defined by their actions...not their intentions. Otherwise, the world would be full of Saints.

BS: 40 (Me)
xFWW: 50
Married: 9/97
PA: 3 months
D-Day: 6/30/2005 (she revealed to me)
Divorced: 10/2/2008
Happy that I've moved on
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I think I see what you are saying SC...I assume that you are talking about the BS doing this though, right? I do agree that it is counter productive for the BS to do this with their WS...It's pointless for the BS to try and "educate" their WS...

However, I do fully believe that when a WS comes here that they should be told in no uncertain terms the whole truth...Part of that truth is that the OP is NOT honorable nor were/are they when they chose/choose to cheat with said OP...This board can be a MAJOR fog clearer...That was EXACTLY my experience and I definitely needed all of the 2x4s that I received here...I'm eternally grateful to this board for just that reason...I needed to be called on my bullsh*t and the good folks here did that!

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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LOL

poor Mrs W (the newbie fresh FWW)

I told her not to bash the OM unless she was going to color herself with the same crayola .... she was shocked (and irritated) but d-a-y-u-m gurl she sho'nuf came out smellin' rite purdy in the end <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

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I DO bash the OP sometimes on purpose .... especially when the BETRAYED SPOUSE is feeling small and ugly and toad like ....

I understand the phase of the betrayed when they imagine that the OP is frighteningly perfect and far superior in every way possible .... when I see that I jump all over the OP can call the OP names (rat turd anyone?)

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What if you do know him and once considered him a friend?

I guess telling Wayzilla one day early on that a perfect afternoon would be spent scraping Gollum's face off with a butter knife was in retrospect a mistake.


Testosterone boys! Testosterone! It ain’t just for nose, ear and back hair anymore!
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Pep, did you mean when the WS or the BS is feeling small,etc?

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Pep, did you mean when the WS or the BS is feeling small,etc?

the BS

chrisner #1873809 05/08/07 04:23 PM
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What if you do know him and once considered him a friend?

I guess telling Wayzilla one day early on that a perfect afternoon would be spent scraping Gollum's face off with a butter knife was in retrospect a mistake.

LOL

sometimes namecalling the OP can be useful .....
but usually NOT useful when it comes to try and win the heart/mind of the wayward ... which is what Cookie's point was

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Pep,

You might want to change it in your post then - just to clarify

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I could leave it to be confusing <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

PS ... I changed it, thanks for pointing it out <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/cool.gif" alt="" />

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well, there is that <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

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sometimes namecalling the OP can be useful .....
but usually NOT useful when it comes to try and win the heart/mind of the wayward ... which is what Cookie's point was

Oh thank goodness! I was beginning to think the point was being missed entirely. Then again, once pep gets involved in a thread... you never know what direction it will take... usually a discussion about her undies or something.
<img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/blush.gif" alt="" /> <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

--SC


"I require more from my spouse than behaving well in order to avoid pain." (guess who)
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Smartcookie:

Are you refering to the responses posted to one BubbleBath?

Fairly typical around here.

Most WS's don't hang around long.

Wayward or foggy thinking is not tolerated, obviously. But it is where a WS poster is at.

The attempt to 2X4 them back to non-wayward or less foggy thinking is pronounced. Sometimes it works. Oftentimes, the poster just goes away.

Problem Solved.

It would be interesting to get them to stay around longer. Maybe we can make more of a difference. But the MB discussion board culture, in many respects works very well, but it is tough on the WS around here.

So, I just duck.

And play golf.

LG

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LOL Pep...I remember that very well! Thanks for doing it! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

Something Mr. W DID do was to post to me under another name-he could say anything that he wanted about the OM then-LOL...I had NO CLUE it was him until this past November in fact...The stuff that he said under his alias was SO good for me...Hilarious that I didn't get mad at that poster at all-I LOVED the way he said things...He made sense to me...In fact, I used to point out his posts to Mr. W and say things like "Wow, that guy really knows his stuff!" I find it hysterical that I was attracted to Mr. W even when I didn't know who he was! He's such a smarty pants! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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Well, this is something that is never recommended around here. The BS is never advised to bash the OP to the WS. It makes the WS DEFEND the OP.

However, all bets are OFF when WE discuss them around here. We have a contest to see who can come up with the best epitaphs and I usually WIN! <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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Ah LG, if they genuinely want help and want to change, they will stay...It's not supposed to be easy on a WS...Life surely won't be if they remain that way...I think it's best that they get a taste of that here, KWIM? <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/wink.gif" alt="" />

Mrs. W


FWW ~ 47 ~ Me
FBH ~ 50 ~ MrWondering
DD ~ 17
Dday ~ 2005 ~ Recovered

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... usually a discussion about her undies or something.

HERE I graduated to granny panties

You know, CookieMonster, 'da Pepster will be 58 years old this summer ... I plan on milking this age thingy to the hilt .... ideas?

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Most WS's don't hang around long.

Wayward or foggy thinking is not tolerated, obviously. But it is where a WS poster is at.

Of course its not tolerated. That would be ENABLING and that would be silly. This is not ENABLERS ANONYMOUS, but Marriage Builders. This is a NO [censored] ZONE. Check your crap at the door, we are here to save marriages, not to appease sick FOGHORNS. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" /> We are here to HELP people do RIGHT, not help them do wrong.

WS's that really want help have no problem getting the help they need around here. Its the foghorns who come here looking for AFFAIR SUPPORT and self delusion who have trouble. As well they should!


"It is not the critic who counts; not the man who points out how the strong man stumbles, or where the doer of deeds could have done them better. The credit belongs to the man who is actually in the arena.." Theodore Roosevelt

Exposure 101


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