I gave her the letter to take with her so she could re-read it after her anger subsided. She called me at around 11 last night and we talked and she doesn't want to throw the M away. She said that when she comes home (probably tonight) that she will not be clubbing and drinking, and that she will not seek other guys while she is living with me. I have to Plan A for awhile before I can bring up counseling. I am not going to bow out on the kids. I'm going to do as Pepper and others have said and change MY behavior, Plan A all the way through it. Give up my self and continue to validate and be her friend.

She acted very nice after her cruise. She told me all about it. Open about her text messages when she got home. She said her friend met a guy, I asked if she did and she giggled and said no. She also said she can't believe how many ugly guys were on the ship and there was a lot of families on it. Open about what they did, where they went, how late they were at the bars. All of this was volunteered and I didn't have to ask for any of it, and I didn't pry. I took what I was given and respected her as a friend.

So overall, things obviously got worse, but its not over, and I'm not done fighting. I believe I had to take this stand for my boundaries. Now I have to show her what I meant which is that there are ways to fix this, and avoiding each other with outside interests is not the way.

Even when she was yelling at me last night and telling me that I should have kept my pants zipped and that this is all my fault etc. etc. I didn't have any AO, DJs or anything. I continued to take responsibility for the hurt I've caused, and continued to display my dedication to saving our marriage.

Please God help me through this...

If you pray to Him, He will.

Just do your best plan A for six months with no expectations and re-evaluate your situation then. I did the same when I was trying to win my wife back, but I wasn't the one who cheated on her, so if I can do it, you can do it. Sacrifice your own needs for a few months, so that they can be repaid tenfold later on when your marriage is saved. Think of it as an investment that you will have to struggle through financially until it pays off in the future (like struggling through law school until you get your law degree).

Just a suggestion on that prayer...

Pray for GOD'S solution to all of this...not yours. Ask Him to reveal His will in this, and give you all the strength and courage and wisdom to see it through.

This was the prayer that got me through to our recovery. I gave it to God. I asked Him to make His will happen in our situation. I asked that if His will was to recover our marriage, that He give us the wisdom to see that, and the strength and courage to make it happen. And if His will was that our marriage was to end, that He give us that same wisdom and strength.

From the moment I started praying for that to happen, I could SEE His will happening in our situation.

very nice Owl <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/smile.gif" alt="" />

I need some advice...

I'm thinking of REQUESTING some of my W's time today. I'd like for us to spend some time together, half as friends and just us time, and half asking her where she stands and what she needs from me so I can respond appropriately.

Does this sound ok? Just a request and taking no for an answer with no LBs.

If she says yes, what should I avoid, make sure I do etc. etc.

Thanks,
B

No.

You are not her friend. You are her husband. So be her husband. And knock off the relationship talk for now. You are in Plan A. Relationship talk will come later.

And please stop thinking you can help this by being her "friend." She has friends. She's only got one husband. That's you. Isn't it?
Mulan

So I shouldn't ask her at all to spend time with me? I can't say, "I would like to spend the afternoon with you without the kids"

Without the 'outline' of how I want the afternoon to go? I can't offer to help her move her stuff home from her friends house?

So just do nothing?

What about asking her to do the EN questionaire with me, or for me?

These things are fine. Just don't do them as her "friend". No outline. Do them as her husband.
Mulan

PHEW! Thank you! Got it!

How about going for a nice long walk? Remember to stop and smell the flowers. <img src="/ubbt/images/graemlins/grin.gif" alt="" />

Remember how you were when you were just dating?

Make it a very pleasant experience.

Try and let her lead the conversations; It doesn't have to be about the R.

ABOVE all: NO AO's, DJ's, or LB's. EVEN is she's letting them fly.

Stay Strong!

Since my WW didn't want to spend time with me after her affair, I just scheduled fun things to do that I knew she would like or be interested in (like seeing a play, murder mystery dinner theater, going to the botanical gardens, etc.) and invited her along. At first she declined, and I would just go myself. After a while of hearing how great a time I had, she started taking me up on those offers. Don't force her to spend time with her, but plan activities she would like, and invite her. Eventually she will go along, and you need to make critical love bank deposits on those outings. She will start to hang out with you more and more.

Just wanted to encourage you, Brandon. Keep on manning-up....and asking questions and following through with the advice you're being given.

I'm praying for you.

Ace

Just to keep current, we talked some more yesterday. I was purely asking her for time with her and she agreed. When she got to the house she asked what I wanted to talk about. I told her I really just wanted to spend time with her, but we got into more talk about the letter.

In summary, she still misunderstood my intent and assumed that I was trying to call her an alcoholic so that if we did go to Plan D, I would have ammo against her. I continued to clarify that I was not saying her actions were mine to control, but that our problems simply cannot affect the kids. By the end, she clarified that she is still unwilling to work on it, and that she doesn't think there is any way this will work. She also said that we will just have to take it one day at a time. Confusing!

I realized one error I have been making is listening to her words, and not watching her actions. I believe she is truely confused and saying things about our future from I want a divorce now, to I don't want to throw away our past 14 years. So I have been responding to each by getting too hopeful or just the opposite with plans to protect myself, which has been wrong.

I now know that I need to do what God wants and treat her with love and kindness always, with no quick reactions to ANYTHING, and to watch her actions, not her words. She can't hate me that much if she is going to live with me for a undetermined time while the house sells. I need to continue Plan A, with no expectations.

It does give me some relief at least knowing that she is still confused. I think the anger from the letter will subside with time and we both agreed not to bring it up again. I told her the intent was to express my concerns to her, and that she was to tell me where I was wrong and that I had nothing to worry about. I told her this was what communication in a marriage was all about. Not being afraid of losing her over each word I say. And if I did cause her to leave me, that that was Gods will as long as my actions were in doing his will.

I'll keep you posted. It may take awhile between posts as I am prepared for a long uneventful process for awhile.

Thanks,
B

B,


Be careful in what you prepare for and what you expect to get. Nothing in "Betrayedville" is predictable.

Ace

How's it going, B?

Ace

It's going. She invited me out to dinner Wednesday night to talk about some 'stuff.' So I asked her if it was bad and she said that it always is because of our situtation. So, we go to dinner and we're both being friendly and pleasant and friendly so I finally asked her, "What did you need to talk to me about?"

She basically told me again all of the same stuff that she's already told me before. NOTHING new at all. She again said that she doesn't see how we will ever work out. She said that she doesn't trust me and doesn't respect me but that I'm still her best friend and she doesn't want to lose that. She also said that IF (I stress the words that show she still isn't sure about what she wants to do) she files for divorce, she wants to know if we can go through it peacefully without lawyers. She said that a friend of hers went through $25,000 of attorney fees, but there was no cheating, before they dedcided to work it out, and she doesn't want us to do that. She said she thinks we can go through the house and split everything up fairly. She said that IF she files for divorce in ONE OR TWO MONTHS (again, not committing to anything) that she doesn't want it to get ugly between us. She again said that she can't see how this is going to work but she doesn't want to loose me as a friend. I said that I'm planning on being her husband and her friend. She then asked if we couldn't be friends if we got a divorce. I told her I don't know, but I'm planning on that not happening.

Through the whole dinner I was AGAIN, who God wants me to be. I was empathetic, and validated her feelings, took responsibilty for my actions and acceptance of the consequences, while confirming my committment to her that I am here to work on the marriage and that it would be eaiser if we both were, but I understand that she doesn't feel that way right now and can't. I didn't get mad, angry, or disrespectful AT ALL! I'm so proud of me really!

At the end I told her that in a month, I was going to make her, through my actions, doubt her decision to seperate even more than she does now. She said "we'll see..."

I'm just going at PLAN A and loving her all the way. She want's no physical touch at all but I continue to compliment her and joke with her and make her laugh.

I have no idea what God has in his plan for us but he has us living together right now for a reason so if this is ending, I am going to go out fighting. And if there's a chance for us, I'm going to fight for that too.

Thanks Ace!

Talk to you soon,
B

You did a good job except for this. She's either your W and your best friend, or she's nothing to you. She can't have both. You wanted both (her and OW), and look how that turned out for you. Don't get angry or anything, but just sound firm but compassionate. Tell her that you won't go along with a divorce peacefully because that's not what you want, and you would fight something that you didn't want. Tell her that you can't be just her friend because you know how much you hurt her with your infidelity, and watching her date other men after a divorce while you still want to be with her would just hurt too bad. When she says that you have no right to fight because you cheated you say that you know you screwed up, but you have changed and will do your penance (her not wanting to be with you) until you finally make things right between you two again.

Part of you wife is now wayward, and she is holding up the fantasy that she can get divorced and see if someone will make her happier, all the while she still has you waiting at her side when she needs you. You need to pop that little fantasy bubble.

Struggling and need some advice/support...

This is what I want to say, but unsure if I have the right or if it is my place.

"W, I would like to talk to you about something I'm struggling with. I know you have said that you are not going to look for other guys to replace me when you go out while we are still married, and I appreciate that, however; you are my wife and I love you and do not want to share you with another man in any way that I feel threatens our marriage. I know you have male friends that meet up with you and your girlfriends while your out, and I do not want to stand in the way of those friendships at all, but it hurts me tremendously to think of you dancing with other guys when you go out. I feel that dancing is a form of intimacy that I would like you to reserve soley for your husband, and I would like it if you would not do that for me."

Do I need to be more assertive in my request? Remember, I am struggling with the control thing and don't want to stop or control her behavior, I just want her to respect my feelings where they are valid (and this is my struggle, do I deserve respect given my actions?) Maybe I frame it as her respecting the marriage, not so much me at this point?

I dunno... help PLEASE!

Thanks,
B

Is she willing to go out with you? If you are there she wouldn't have any reason to dance with other guys.